Tag Archives: Relationships

When Someone Tells You Who They Are…

Last week after our office Holiday party, I found myself being cursed out by a drunken coworker. Without getting into too much detail, this coworker can be really hurtful. Yet, somehow every time he causes drama with someone in the office, he manages to get back into our good graces with long heartfelt apologies, explaining that he only acts the way he does because he’s insecure. When this happens, you feel so bad for him, that you let him back in… only for him to do it again.

You know when Puss from Shrek makes that face that melts your heart and then attacks you? He’s kind of like that.

Anyway, after cursing me out on Friday night he spent all of Saturday trying to apologize. I woke up to multiple text messages that said things like I don’t know why I yelled at you like that… I got mad at you for no reason at all… I’m so sorry… please forgive me. I ignored them. A few hours later he called and left me a voicemail: CeCe, I don’t know what happened last night. I’ve spoken to a few people and they said I yelled at you for no reason at all. I never want to disrespect anyone, you didn’t deserve that. Please call me back so I can hear you say that you forgive me. I didn’t call him back.

There is a quote that says “When someone tells you who they are… believe them.” Its simple, but so hard to do. I am always looking for the best in people, assuming (or hoping) that their intentions are good and anything that they do to hurt me is an accident, but that’s not always the case.

After I didn’t return his phone call/voice mail, my coworker called Robert. He told Robert that his insecurities had surfaced after having too much wine and for reasons he didn’t understand, he tried to make me look bad by cursing me out and saying awful things to me in front of our office friends.

This guy has taken his insecurities out on me (and others) for as long as I’ve known him. Its happened in different ways, ranging from a snide remark in the lunch room to emailing someone’s boss to “report” things about them that weren’t true. A few of my friends have speculated that his motives to “play me” stem from his attraction to Robert (yes, my crazy coworker is gay and Robert is definitely his type). Countless times, I’ve told myself to cut this coworker off, to keep it strictly business with him in order to avoid getting burned. But over time, he wears me down with a witty joke, a compliment or a funny story, his own versions of the “Puss face”. Then I think to myself it’s so much easier to be nice… I’m sure he won’t do anything THAT crazy every again…

But the next time he hurts me or tries to make me look bad, it’s always worse than the last.

Since I’ve known him, my coworker has been telling me (and everyone else in the office) that he’s an insecure person who deals with his insecurities by hurting people. He’s shown me that he tries to make himself look good by making others look bad. But it wasn’t until he embarrassed me in front of a group of coworkers that I finally opened my eyes and believed him.

When someone tells you who they are… believe them– This is a lesson I plan to take into ALL of my relationships moving forward.

-If a guy has three kids by three different women and he hasn’t married any of them, he won’t marry me if he gets me pregnant. I Believe!

-If a girl says “I can’t be friends with females”, she won’t be a good friend to me. I Believe!

-If a guy says he’s not looking for a relationship, he won’t change his mind after I hook up with him. I Believe!

I could go on and on, but I think you get my point….

Have YOU ever chosen to ignore the warning signs from a friend/coworker/lover? How do you deal with people once they’ve shown their true colors?

Should I Date Someone From My Job?

Dear Cece,

I found your blog about 6 months ago and always look forward to reading about your adventures in life, love, and style!

A question for you: do you and Robert still work together?

I’ve been hanging out a bit with a man from work (we actually went out last Saturday with 2 of his friends and we’ve done other things together as well) and am just not sure if it’s such a wise idea for me to become involved romantically with someone at the office.

I really like seeing him throughout the week and our interactions at work are pretty much the best part of my day.We IM all day (half for work purposes), he’s in my cubicle constantly, we have lunch together most days–we’re basically inseparable during working hours. But I worry about saying something that I can’t take back and then having to face him and work with him every day.

Is it smart to get attached to a work mate? I’m just not sure….PSP in MKE

Dear PSP in MKE,

Yes, Robert and I still work together and my interactions with him are the best part of my day, so I know how you feel!

This is my first office romance, so… although I’m not an expert, I’ll give you a few things to consider:

  1. Do you work in the same department? If so, the first thing you should do is (discreetly) find out what your companies policy is on these things. From what I understand, its usually not a problem unless one of you reports directly to the other. While Robert and I work for the same company, we work in different departments, so we’re in the clear!
  2. Can you handle it? I know it seems like a silly question, but dating someone at your job means there is ZERO separation. When I’m frustrated with Robert for something that happened on Tuesday night, I don’t get to go to work on Wednesday morning and forget about him for a while, because… he’s there!
  3. Can your coworkers handle it? As much as you try to hide it, people will find out that you’re dating a coworker. Even if your company doesn’t have a problem with it, people love juicy gossip and an office romance is the juiciest of the juicy. My coworkers can be quite obnoxious with their interest in Robert and me. Although we’ve never confirmed that we’re dating, they love to do everything short of making “kissy faces” when they see us together. Robert never cared, but it used to really bother me. Eventually I had to accept the fact that people are nosy by nature and that will never change. Now I just take it in stride and keep my focus on Robert and what we have.
  4. Is he/she worth it? When things get messy at work it makes it uncomfortable for everyone involved. This might sound blunt, but if you feel things turning into a sex thing, or a fling I’d advise that you look somewhere else for a booty call. But if you feel like this could really “be something”, go for it!
  5. What will you do if it ends? We all enter every relationship hoping that it will last forever, but when dating coworkers, you really need to ask yourself if you could handle seeing your ex for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. If Robert and I stopped seeing each other, the hardest part for me would be our “habits”. He waits for me everyday after work, we have lunch together 3-4 days a week. If those things stopped happening, my work days would be pretty gloomy! But hopefully, I’ll never know what that’s like *fingers crossed*
Anyway, I hope that helps. It sounds to me like you and your work friend are taking things slow and that’s the best way to enter a relationship in my opinion. Keep your eyes open and continue to build your friendship. Everything else will fall into place… it did for me!
xoxo,
CeCe
CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com
P.S. Has anyone else done an office romance? If so, leave your advice for our PSP in MKE below!

I Haven’t Changed

This weekend I had an epiphany: I am no different now than I was before I started dating Robert.

Being with Robert is so much fun, I find that even strangers enjoy us as a couple and its an incredible feeling. It’s also a feeling I’ve been waiting for since I was a little Plus Size Princess trying to find her way with boys.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been obsessing over having a boyfriend. I have old diaries filled with pages of me longing for a boyfriend. I’ve imagined how every birthday, holiday and special occasion would have been sooo much better if I had someone to share it with. I’ve also been super hard on myself, making a list of a million things that I needed to do or change so that I could get a boyfriend.

I can honestly say that between then and now I’m not prettier, smarter, cooler, or funnier (and I’m definitely not skinner) but I have him.

The truth is, I’m as much of a mess as I always was. I still struggle with things and work hard for things. I still have triumphs, successes and/or failures and the list of things I need to do or change gets longer every day! When it comes to my life, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I have a long way to go and having a boyfriend won’t change any of that.

I used to think a boyfriend would validate me, but Robert doesn’t make me prettier, smarter, cooler or funnier.

Sometimes we have to wait for someone who “gets us”, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with who we are. A diamond is beautiful and precious long before someone discovers it. Which means there’s a good chance I’ve been this pretty, smart, cool and funny all along.

Happy Valentines Day!

A Single Girl Rant: Stop Telling Your Boyfriend My Secrets!

As Robert and I continue to date, I’ve started thinking about the type of girlfriend I want to be. Not to him, but to my female friends. There are so many annoying things my friends do when they’re in relationships, but I don’t think they notice it because they’re not single. So in the spirit of last months Big Girl Rant, today I give you: A Single Girl Rant.

Because TBGB is such a personal blog, I didn’t tell very many people about it when I first started. As time went by, I decided to share it with three close friends. All three of these friends were in serious relationships and although I was very specific about not wanting everyone to know about and/or read my blog… all three of them told their boyfriends.

Of course, they told their boyfriends about TBGB because they were excited about it, proud of my writing and wanted to be the bearer of good news; but it wasn’t their news to tell. If I wanted their boyfriends to know what I was doing, I would have told them myself!

Sometimes I feel like people in relationships need to be reminded of a few things:

  • You are an individual!
  • You are my friend/confidant, your boyfriend is not
  • You are in a relationship with your boyfriend, but I am not
  • You may feel the need to tell your boyfriend everything, but I don’t
  • You may trust your boyfriend, but I don’t (I barely know him!)

It takes a lot to build a friendship. Trust, vulnerability and sharing aren’t things that happen over night. Those are things you earn, and sleeping with my friends isn’t a quick pass into my personal life.

Its frustrating because once I figured out that my friends were sharing things I asked them not to with their boyfriends, I suddenly had to reevaluate what I decided to share with them moving forward and that was awful. I had to accept the fact that things that used to be sacred, weren’t anymore.

The crazy part is, now that Robert and I are dating I find myself wanting to update him on my friends lives. I feel like such a hypocrite, but he knows a lot of them, has met their boyfriends and sometimes I want to mention things that are going on, but then I remind myself what it feels like. I know when my friends confide in me, they don’t expect things to go farther than me, and if course… I know how it feels.

I don’t know… maybe my expectations are too high and this is just what happens when people are in relationships.

Has this happened to you? What do you think?

Its Summer & I’m Single

Ever since the thermometer rose above 55 degrees I have been annoyed. I like warm weather, I like wearing little dresses and hanging out in the park. What’s annoying me is that when the weather gets warm, all of the couples in New York City decide to come out of hiding.

When the summer comes, suddenly the city is flooded with pairs of people holding hands on the street, cuddling in the subway and dry humping in the park (no, seriously… I’ve seen it and its not cute). I had to wonder where these couples were during the coldest parts of the year. I mean, when I slip on a cute outfit and then cover it up with three layers of clothing just so I can trudge through the snow to meet my friends for a drink, the train is full of small clusters of single people doing the same thing.

Then I realized that couples don’t go out in the winter because they don’t have to! They stay home. Alone. Together.

Maybe that’s why, when they make their warm weather debut, they are beyond excited to rub it in my face show their coupledom to the world. I guess anyone who’s been inside their apartment since November would be a little overzealous to take their love to the streets and in theory I understand that, but as a single girl in New York City, it makes me sick!

The other day I rode the 2 train from 14th to 72nd street sitting across from a couple who was happy just to play with each others fingers and a fit of rage (and maybe jealousy) took over me. I found their simple affection nauseating and unnecessary even though I love love! I’m happy when my friends find someone and when I see people making each other happy. But these first few weeks of warm weather have been brutal for a girl who isn’t in a relationship.

I had to ask myself if it was the couples that were annoying me or the fact that I’m not in a relationship that’s driving me nuts. I have to be honest, I think its the latter. If given the chance, I would probably be one half of an obnoxious summer couple in a heart beat (minus the dry-humping, ’cause that’s just weird). After all, I shave my legs every other day during the summer and it would be nice to know that at some point someone was going to touch them.

It Was Over Before it Began….

Saturday morning at 10:22, my phone chimed with a text message…

Hi! Its me Alan I don’t know if you remember me

I don’t… How do I know you?

We met a few weeks back outside of H&M;

Oh, yes… I remember

So what’s up? Don’t tell me the sky

Nothing, I’m at the hair salon, you?

R we going to meet?

You tell me

Where do you live?

Why did it matter where I lived? I had not invited him over and we didn’t have plans for him to pick me up or anything. It seemed as if he was one of those guys who thought they could just meet me, come over and hook up. I didn’t want to assume anything though, so I wrote:

If you’d like to grab a drink or coffee, we can do that.

…I never heard from him again.

Curvy Conversations: When Weight Makes Us Wait.

This weeks Curvy Conversation comes from an anonymous reader:

Hi Cece,

I love your blog and your refreshing honesty. You remind me of Carrie from Sex in the City but don’t worry you aren’t anywhere near as neurotic as she was…LOL.

I see that you battle the same issues with weight and dating that I have. I have always had a battle of the bulge, but I’ve never been as obese as I am right now. I am currently a size 26 which is down from a size 28. Prior to all of this weight gain, I was never higher than a size 14. I put on all of this weight due to some changes I made in my life some years back when I moved out of state. Since then it is as if my life came to a screeching halt. I always felt as if I couldn’t go to a particular place, wear certain clothing etc., unless I lost weight.

Well…some years have gone by and each year I put on even more weight. I have finally come to the sad conclusion that I am fat and may always be fat. But I have resigned myself to at least become fat, healthy, to develop my own plus size style and build my self esteem. I ordered a brand new wardrobe and I am trying to build up the courage to wear my new clothes. I have dressed frumpy for so long now that it has become very comfortable.

The men that approach me these days seem to look downright homeless or they are really old. When I meet a cute guy in my age group, I can’t even bring myself to look him in the eyes. Because I am so used to averting my eyes from the men that I don’t want attention from. I am suspicious if a man seems like he is attracted to me because I feel like I am reading into the situation wrong. I am so downtrodden from bad relationships that I prefer to sit at home on the weekends and eat tasty food while watching my favorite movies. As you can see, this is doing nothing for me.

I don’t expect you to have the answers for me. But please if you can….give me a little assistance so that I can overcome all of this. I would love to get married and have children and while I want to believe that I can find someone who would love me for me….I haven’t convinced myself that I will find someone who will love me at this weight.

Thanks

Hello Lovely,

There’s so much I want to say– I don’t know where to begin!

First of all… congrats on dropping a size, obviously its not your ideal size, but you’re on the way down which is great! Of course, I love that you are making a change in your wardrobe. Getting dressed in the morning should be fun! Of course as PSP’s sometimes it takes a little more effort/research/trial and error for us to develop a signature style, but when we look good, we feel good! And the more you feel good about your size 26, 22 or 18 self the more you are going to draw people to you. Its all about being the best possible version of us, no matter what that looks like!

Also, might I suggest that you donate your old, frumpy clothes to the Goodwill? This way your new wardrobe will be your only choice! I say this because it makes me nervous that you think you need courage in order to debut the new you… It sounds like you have a closet full of fashionable, well fitting clothes… so why are you waiting to put them on?

As a matter of fact– I think “Why Wait?” might be my theme for you.

There are so many things I’ve put on hold, telling myself that they could happen “next year” once I’ve lost weight. But then “next year” comes and I weigh more than I did the year before. There are opportunities and events I’ve passed up due to my size; Now if I said I was going to take that time and go to the gym instead that would make sense, but is that what I’d do? No! I would sit at home and (like you) I would eat. If I really think about it, how many happy moments have I passed up in favor of unhappy ones at home with Ben & Jerry? And how many more unhappy moments have I caused due to the calories consumed during my time spent with Ben & Jerry?

I know for me it was a defense mechanism. I would tell myself “why go out and dance with your girlfriends, no one is going to talk to you anyway…” but I would totally forget that I love to dance! I would rob myself of things I enjoyed because of how other people might react to me. Its a vicious cycle, but its one that can be broken!

The next time an opportunity comes for you to be social throw on one of your cute new outfits and go! Of course you may face rejection or awkward moments (who doesn’t?) but you also may have the time of your life, so… Why wait?

Now, lets say that you find it in you to get dolled up and get social. What we can’t have you doing is averting your eyes every time a man comes near. This sounds crazy, but you have to force yourself to make eye contact, because the funny thing is– while you’re looking away out of shyness/insecurity, men are looking at you thinking you’re unapproachable, snobby etc. Practice in the grocery store, on the bus… wherever. The more you do it, the easier it gets… kinda. To be honest, this is something I need to work on as well (the other night, Robert and I went out dancing and I realized I barely looked him in the face the whole night– eek!).

Of course the more confidence you have, the more you will attract the type of men that you’re looking for. But I have to say, unless you love yourself… love from a man will still leave a void. As hard as this may be to hear; the work begins with you. As you begin to pour love into your own heart– the man who is meant to love you, at whatever size you happen to be, will come. (this is a lesson I am STILL learning).

Again, the love you’re looking for starts inside of you. Take care of you… treat yourself as something precious and any man who meets you will have no choice but to do the same.

xoxo,
CeCe

P.S. I try to keep my neurotic side under wraps, but I’ll be a “Curvy Carrie” any day!

Keep the letters coming: nycece@gmail.com

Does he like big girls?

There are a two main reasons why I would never make the “first move”:

1.) I feel like if a guy is interested in a girl he will let her know.

2.) I feel like guys are never interested in big girls.

Of course if #1 never happens, to me it just proves #2 to be true.

So when all signs pointed to Jeremy being interested in me, I just could not wrap my head around it. I met Jeremy through a friend, he and I know a lot of the same people and from the moment we met, it was a flirt-fest. Because we run in similar circles, we ended up spending a lot of time together. I’d say we went from being “friendly” to “friends” rather quickly. We call, email and text, and when we’re together there’s a lot of unnecessary hugging, random hand holding and uncontrollable giggling (the giggling–um, that would be me).

A few weeks ago we were curled up together on a friends couch watching movies and out of the blue, he kissed me on the forehead… I’m not sure about anyone else, but that’s kind of an intimate thing to do and it really threw me off. I was confused, so I decided it was time to run the situation by a few friends. They all came to the same conclusion:

He likes you.

But I still wasn’t convinced! My friend Keisha was confused to the point of frustration when I continued to deny his interest in me and Andrew called my assumption that he wasn’t interested “weird”. But neither of them had a clue what its like to be a PSP (Plus Size Princess), so I didn’t even bother to explain to them why, even though all signs pointed to yes, I still couldn’t see it.

Of course with Dana, who is also a PSP, it was different. After listening to me, she was able to put my insecurities into words.

“Forgive me for projecting myself on to you,” she began. “But for me being a ‘bbw’… gosh I hate using that term! Anyway, being… um, plus size… I always assume men wont be interested in me. I assume men don’t like big women and unless I am in a setting like DIVAS or REWIND that caters to women like me… I’m like a fish outta water with men.”

Wow, she was totally right, that’s how I felt….

About a week later, Dana called me. “So I was looking at your Facebook page,” she said. “And I saw a cute photo of you and Jeremy… I clicked on his name and was looking at his Facebook page. What’s the deal with him being in a BBW group?”

“Huh?”

“Like, he’s a member of a group for BBW’s around the world!”

I immediately went to his Facebook page… sure enough, there was a list of the online groups he was a part of. Nestled in between groups for Kanye West fans, Martial Arts enthusiasts and a million other things was a group called “BBW’s and BHM’S Worldwide”. Jeremy wasn’t a BBW or a BHM (which according to google means: Big Handsome Male). As I scrolled through the membership, it seemed to be mostly BBW’s and the smaller men who were into them.

Why was he a part of this group? What did this mean? What should I do? My head was spinning…. I didn’t even know if I wanted anything to happen with Jeremy. I wasn’t sure if I liked him, or if I just liked the attention he gave me. At the end of the day it was pretty clear that I probably hadn’t been imagining things… there was an attraction there.

But that opened up the question of why he hadn’t made any efforts to take things beyond flirting. I mean, even if rule #2 wasn’t applicable in this case because Jeremy did like bigger girls, rule #1 was still in effect, if Jeremy liked me he should have made a move by now, right? Why wouldn’t he? I mean, we like being around each other and we have chemistry….

I started to wonder if I should just lump him in with the majority of the men I see in the BBW scene. The men who have a fetish for bigger girls but would never consider actually being in a relationship with one.

I hope that isn’t the case with Jeremy… but only time will tell.