Tag Archives: Relationships

My Office Romance: He Got a New Job… | Dating | Relationships

OMG, I forgot to tell you guys that Robert gave his two weeks notice at our company, so we will no longer be co-workers… eek! We’ve been the “Jim and Pam” of our office since the beginning of our friendship-turned-courtship…

CeCe Robert Jim Pam Gif

I started as the receptionist at my company in August of 2008 and Robert started on the finance team in December of that same year. By the Fall of 2009, he was coming upstairs to my desk to visit me every day at 3pm, sharp. At first we were definitely just friends. I was dating lots of other people (remember Jeremy??) but the more we spoke at work, the more things felt… different…

cece robert jim pam one

I literally spent 2009-2011 blogging my way through the Friend Zone/Grey Area with Robert (those posts are tagged “Um… Are we Dating?“). Looking back, that long Friend Zone-ish period was a blessing. It takes so much for me to be vulnerable which is a relationship necessity and our friendship gave me a foundation of comfort to open up to Robert (especially about my insecurities as a plus size girlfriend). By the time Robert and I had this conversation he was one of my best friends…

cece robert jim pam bff

Once we were officially dating, Robert was ready to tell people but I was determined to keep our relationship under wraps, which was a total waste of time because everyone assumed we were together since 2008 when we met. People in our office politely pretended not to know. Until one holiday party in 2012 when I got “tipsy and frisky” with Robert in front of everyone.

Does red wine have that affect on anyone else???

cece robert jim and pam awkward

So, now we’ve been an open couple in the office for a while which means that Robert giving his two weeks notice sent a lot of curious coworkers my way with their questions. They wanted to know if I’m happy for him (duh!), if I think the change will be good for us (yup!) and if I will miss him…

At first my answer was a pretty dismissive; I would laugh and say “he knows where to find me, we’ll be fine!” but as our time as coworkers draws to a close I’m starting to realize how spoiled I’ve been. Robert walks me for coffee every morning when I get into work. If I start to feel sick during the day, he’ll run to the drug store to get me medicine. Last week I had a shoulder cramp and he was there to massage it… I’ve had emotional days where he’s met me in a conference room to keep me from crying…

This new job is an amazing opportunity for him and a great time for us to approach our relationship from a different angle. I’m not worried about “us”, but I think I’m underestimating how much I depend on him being there for me 40 hours a week. Everyone says office romances are a bad idea, but for the past few years I’ve been given a salary to be in the same building as the guy in my life and as far as I can see, that’s a pretty sweet deal.

So this week, when people ask “Are you going to miss him?” I’ll have to think twice before I answer…

cece robert jim and pam question

 

The-Office-Jim-Pam_ jp

The ONE Time I Decided to Settle… a Cautionary Tale | Plus Size Dating | Relationships

A few weeks ago I posted an email on my instagram from a guy I used to date.

I was trying to see if you are free. Nowadays you look HOT. Do you want to hang out tomorrow?

Plus Size Dating Low Self Esteem

Wait– did this guy really say “nowadays”??

I swear to you, if I could erase one guy from my dating history it would be Elliott.

I dated Elliott when I was in a very bad place regarding my body image and self esteem. For a few months I convinced myself that maybe as a fat girl I should just “take what I could get” dating-wise. Elliott is what happened to me when I subscribed to that thinking. He was rude, had an awkward kissing style personality and said hurtful things to me constantly.

Like the time he whispered “You know, if you lost weight you’d be REALLY hot” right before he tried to stab me in the mouth with his pointy tongue…

*blank stare*

I went on four painful dates with Elliott until the day I decided that if he was the best I could get, I’d rather be alone.

Unfortunately, my biggest dating mistake is like a cockroach that won’t die. Although I dated him years ago, Elliott reaches out to me every 4-6 months to see “what’s up”. I’ve done everything I could to block him from my life, including lying and telling him that I was engaged and moving out of the country, which seemed to have worked until… he discovered my blog (thanks, internet!).

Hearing from Elliott last month reminded me of what the universe handed me when I decided I would take anything.

#NoThankYou

Its Valentines week and whether we have a boyfriend, a girlfriend or we’re flying solo, this is a good time for us to start thinking about the love we have for ourselves and how that affects our relationships.

Do me a favor: take a moment and think about your worst dating situation… how did you feel about yourself when that relationship came to be?

When I’m in a good place, I attract good people… when I’m in a bad place? I get the “nowadays” dude who couldn’t even kiss me properly. Looking back, I can trace my dating steps and see that as I went back to loving myself and embracing my value as a person (at any size) the quality of guys that I dated began to improve again. It wasn’t immediate… there was a lot of “single CeCe” time in there too, but as I’ve said before the single time made me into the independent girl that Robert loves.

Have you ever dated someone who was just whack? Do you think it was connected to how you felt about yourself at the time?

p.s. my favorite valentines post is called “I Haven’t Changed” if you/you’re girlfriends are feeling frustrated this Vday, you might want to check that post out too

p.p.s. Don’t forget I’m hosting an event this Saturday, hope to see you there… you can register here

Dear CeCe: Should I Let my Boyfriend Sleep With Someone Else?

Hi CeCe!

I’m in a loving relationship with my man for about 4 years now. But now and then, we get a little bored so we’ve decided to do a controlled “experiment.” He and I can both sleep with one person off Tinder (the dating app!) with the caveat that we need to sign off on each other’s person. 

Tinder is interesting actually. Have you ever tried the app? What do you think? Is this a recipe for disaster? I already feel a little guilty when I attempt to contact men off Tinder.  

-Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Here are some things to ask yourself:

1.) Should I look for excitement inside of my relationship or outside of it?

2.) What if I don’t like this “experiment” and my boyfriend loves it?

3.) Why am I trying to save my relationship by doing things that make me feel guilty?

4.) Am I happy? Am I fulfilled? Is this the relationship for me?

5.) Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t mind me sleeping with someone else?

I’ve elaborated a bit more in this video response, I hope its helpful to you!

Side Note– for single girls looking for new dating apps to try: Yes, I have heard good things about Tinder and the other swipe-quickly app, TryHotorNot which is a new take on the old time-killing site that people were obsessed with a few years back. Robert would kill me if I signed up, so if you’re on either of these new sites let me know how it goes for you 😉

…thoughts? What advice do you have for our girl?

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

curvy convo cece olisa cheating

“What Does Your Boyfriend Look Like?” | Plus Size Dating

There I sat in my living room, gushing about Kevin to my room mate Jose. Jose and I weren’t that close, but was on a high from a whirlwind Christmas Vacation where I found out that my middle school crush liked me back in the day… and still did! (To read the Kevin chronicles, click here) Basically, I was ready to talk about Kevin to anyone who would listen…

“So, what does Kevin look like?” Jose asked as he scrolled through the Grindr app on his phone.

“Um… he’s cute. He’s just really sweet and super smart, he actu–”

“Do you have a picture of him?” Jose said, squinting and cocking his head to the side.

Eager to keep talking about Kevin, I scrolled through my phone and pulled up a photo of Kevin and I from our last night together. “Wow, he’s really cute,” Jose said, then he looked at me “Hmm” he grunted to himself, “well good for you”.

There are a few things I hear all the time as a Plus Size Princess who dates one of them is the constant request for pictures of him. Fast forward to now, I’m dating Robert and the photo requests have not stopped.

I’ve even shown people a photo of Robert by himself only to be asked for a photo of us together…Do they they think I’m doing some sort of relationship catfish trick and lying about having a boyfriend?

Maybe they just want to size up what type of guy I’m pulling… I don’t really understand it, but I don’t notice my skinny friends being asked to show pictures of their boyfriends/girlfriends all the time.

Do any of you get asked to show pictures of your significant others? Does it make you feel awkward?

p.s. I’m collaborating on a #BigGirlLoveStories YouTube series with the fabulous Amanda Allison where we talk about dating as a big girl. We cover lots of topics including, BBW dating sites and dating “skinny” or “hot” guys:

What Dies Your Bf Look Like Plus Size Dating CeCe Olisa

My Online Dating Mistakes… (Video)

When I first started online dating I made so many rookie mistakes. I chose the wrong site, put up the wrong pics and said the wrong things. If you’re trying to get boo’d up in 2014 and online dating is part of your plan, these are the things not to do! Feel free to share your online dating mis-steps below… each one, teach one!

The Tumbnail on this video looks wonky but the video works, press play!

Mistake #1 I paid for online dating sites – in the end I had the most fun meeting guys on free sites. I was able to cast a wide net and I didn’t see every connection as something I had paid for which made things feel a bit more organic.

Mistake #2 I only put up one perfectly cropped, high angle, boobs and face only picture – Once I learned to put multiple pictures on my profile, the guys I met in person were never surprised by my size. This made my in person dates much more relaxed. We are the size we are… the guys who skip us because they see our full body pics aren’t the guys who we need to be dating anyway… Don’t forget, guys do photo trickery too… remember the guy who had no teeth? Well, his photos hid that very well!

Mistake #3 I was so confused by the online dating “lingo” and I said things on my profile that made me seem… um… fast – When my profile made it seem like I only wanted to hook up, guys definitely treated me that way. Oops!

What online dating mistakes have you made?

Confidence Is… Complicated: Public Displays of Affection

Friday night, Robert and I were out having drinks with our co-workers after our company holiday party.

I pulled away from the crowd for a few minutes to check my phone. I guess I got lost on twitter or something, because after about 10 minutes I heard Robert calling me from across the bar.

I looked up and he waved me over to where he was sitting on a bar stool. I put my phone away and walked over to where he and a few others were listening to someone from our legal team telling a story about a deal he just closed.

“What’s up, honey?” I whispered.

“Nothing, you were just over there for a while…” he said, touching my hair.

Although we spent the night socializing separately, we had some sort of physical contact anytime we were within arms reach of each other. Me touching his arm or him kissing me as he walked by.

I’m big on PDA (hand holding and a quick kiss here and there works for me, nothing too crazy, I promise!). When we first started dating Robert was not very touchy-feely and it bothered me. Other guys I’d dated had reeled with the perfect PDA (remember Adrian?) so I had to have an awkward conversation with Robert where I told him that our lack of PDA sometimes made me feel disconnected and unwanted. He had never dated someone who saw physical touch as an important relation element outside of the bedroom, so for him this was new but he makes adjustments and that makes me feel better.

At first, I just thought that physical affection was my Love Language but the more I think about it. I’m pretty sure, its also a confidence thing for me too.

Dating as a Plus Size Princess, I always hear the stories about guys who are afraid to be with big girls in public. I think somewhere along the line, PDA became the way I gained confidence that a man wasn’t ashamed of our relationship. Meaning, if he’ll hug/kiss/hold my hand in public then he’s fine with people knowing he’s with me.

If I’m honest with myself 80% of my need for PDA is just how I am… but 20% of it is because I’m a big girl who needs reassurance.

I know for a fact that Robert is happy for people to know we’re together and we’re definitely not a secret at work. But the feeling I got when he initiated PDA in front of our coworkers, was a mix of love, happiness… and validation.

As I work on my own confidence levels, I try to take stock of what confidence boosters are coming from within and which ones are external. PDA is definitely an external confidence booster for me.

How does PDA make YOU feel?

Dating Big Men… Thoughts??? (Part One)

“You’re such a cute little thing,” James said, as he draped his arms around me in line at the movies.

A week later we were walking across 23rd street holding hands. When we stopped at a red light, he tugged me until I was nestled against his side, his hand wrapped tightly around my waist he leaned down and kissed me behind the ear. “You’re a sexy little thing, aren’t you?”

Dating James was the first time in life I’d ever been called “little”. I’m a 5’10 Plus Size Princess who weighs *mumbles* pounds and I’ve been this way since I was 12, so when James would constantly refer to me as little, I thought he being sarcastic or making a joke about me. But then I realized, I was dating a semi-professional football player who was 6’3 and 345 pounds. I’d dated tall/skinny guys before, but James was larger than me in every way and when he pulled me close I did feel somewhat small… tiny, even!

…and I loved every minute of it!

Unfortunately James didn’t have his life together, so he never seemed worth blogging about, until last night when I started thinking about the ongoing conversation that happens every time a Plus Size Princess says that she prefers a certain “type” of man.

I’ve mentioned here that I usually date guys with a basketball or baseball players build. I’ve written posts about dating a big man and feeling guilty because I wasn’t attracted to him. I often get comments/emails/tweets from people chastising me for not dating big men, so I thought I’d open up the conversation here… feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, I’ll share a few of mine:

1.) I’m always fascinated when PSP’s are forced to justify who they are attracted to. It just perpetuates the myth that +size women don’t “deserve” to be with certain types of people. (see: “Superficial Fat Chicks & Other Myths” for my detailed thoughts on this).

2.) The simple fact is, I date who approaches me– and big men rarely approach me. Most of the time, its big men who aren’t checking for a Plus Size Princess, but for some reason that seems to be okay with everyone. Just wondering: why aren’t male dating preferences scrutinized as women’s?

3.) Thinking back on my time dating James, I actually was a hypocrite. I was a hypocrite because I knew on our first date that I wasn’t interested in him, but I kept dating him for three weeks. I continued dating James because he was a big handsome man and he made me feel tiny. Dating a huge buff man made me feel like I had lost 75 pounds over night. I liked the way I felt standing next to him (and I’m not going to lie, I liked that he called me “little”). How could I write posts complaining about men who only date me for my size… and then date a man only for his size. I was being selfish and heading down the road to fetish-town which was not cool at all.

I’m going to stop there and revisit this topic in another post after hearing what you guys think.

Dating Big Men… Thoughts???

When a Guy Takes His Time…

“You can come in…” I said, resting my hand on my dresser while I took off my shoes.

Robert smiled nervously leaning against the doorway to my bedroom, mumbling something about my room being so clean he didn’t want to mess anything up. Then he casually wandered back into the living room and waited for me to come out.

We had been hanging out for months and he hadn’t made a single move. I thought he was shy so I created a cute and flirty kicking-off-my-heels-in-my-bedroom moment, complete with a fresh pink pedicure and yet he seemed… uninterested.

If you were visiting this site during the “Um… Are We Dating???” phase of my relationship with Robert, you might remember posts like “He Never Touches Me” and the comments where women expertly told me that if he wasn’t making physical advances, I was delusional for thinking I was anything more than a friend.

During this time I had two girl friends giving me advice (one was married one was single):

Married Friend: He’s taking you out all the time and he hasn’t tried anything yet??? He must REALLY like you!

Single Friend: He’s taking you out all the time and he hasn’t TRIED anything yet??? CeCe, I think you’re in the Friend Zone

When did sexual attraction/desire become synonymous with romantic interest?

Somewhere along the line a guy “making a move” became the only way I knew if he liked me. Then because it was the only way I knew if he liked me, it was the main thing I looked for. Even though I hated that guys were “only after one thing” I was measuring their interest by whether or not they tried to hook up with me.

Then came Robert with his quality time, respect and wanting to get to know me as a person swag. Who would have guessed that his willingness to take his time with our relationship would leave me confused with a bruised ego.

Guys can hook up with anyone… so if you come across a man who doesn’t want to rush things with you, take a minute and open yourself up to courtship (vintage, I know!) instead of asking if maybe he’s gay or has some kind of problem consider the fact that he may be treating you differently because he sees you differently.

Looking back, Robert taking his time with me was a huge compliment and exercise in self control on his part… I’m glad I realized it before writing him off for moving too slow.

Ever had a guy move “too slow”? How did you handle it?

Do You Date like a Wife?

Reminder, #PSPfit Fitness & Clean Eating Boot Camp registration is open now. Join Virtually here Join in NYC here.

Now, for todays post:

A close family friend of ours has sadly gone through a divorce and now she’s back in the dating game. She came into the city to meet me for lunch and during our conversation about relationships she said something very interesting,

“I’ve spent the last few months dating like a wife.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I was doing too much for men who weren’t anything to me yet. There are allowances you make for your husband that you don’t make for someone you’re dating…”

She continued to give me examples of situations where she was supportive of her husband and how she did the same things with guys she was dating. She explained that there’s a big difference between supporting your husband when he gets laid off and supporting someone you’re dating when he gets laid off.

“It’s a no-brainer to support your spouse financially when they lose a job, but I was taking that same mentality into dating and that was a bad move on my part…”

I can’t imagine what its like to have to take yourself out of “wife mode” after being in that role for years. As I listened to her talk I started thinking about the times I gave a little too much.

I’ve given too much of my time. When I first started online dating, I spent hours on the phone with a guy named Ricky who lived 20 minutes away from me. I thought spending hours on the phone would help to see if we connected, and we did! He called me every night for long phone calls. But he never made the 20 minute trip to meet me, he never suggested a date and ultimately he had an on/off girlfriend. That situation, is why I keep phone calls with guys short in the beginning, its important to get to know someone in person and if a guy isn’t willing to make that effort then I know he’s not that interested anyway (or that he has a sometimes-girlfriend, augh)

I’ve given too much of my heart. In college I had a major crush on a guy who was very “emo”. As an oldest child and a Cancer, my instincts are super maternal, so I would sit with him in his dorm and talk through all of his problems. I’d listen to him lament about life and how bad things were. I thought that if I was there for him he’d see how much I cared and how that would make me a good girlfriend. Yeah… that never happened.

I’ve given too much money. I’ve only given money to a guy once. My parents taught me that you only lend out money if you can afford never to see it again. The amount he asked for was doable, but the moment I gave it to him our chemistry shifted in a way I can’t explain. Looking back, him asking me for money showed that he wasn’t really trying to put his best foot forward with me. I found myself becoming more irritable with him and of course when he was supposed to pay me back on the 15th… and I didn’t hear from him until I hit him up on the 25th, our whole relationship was dunzo.

Dating for girls in my generation can be so confusing. We’re being told to be “Miss. Independent” but also charged with proving to men that we can be “Wifey”. I swear there was a time when men had to prove themselves to us, but maybe I just read about that in a book.

If marriage is something you want, its tempting to show you’ve got the goods but sometimes I wonder if some things should really be reserved for people who are on track to be our spouses. Of course, that looks different for everyone and its up to us to decide what our dating style is. For example because I’m a Plus Size Princess, men always ask me to cook for them (read my rant on that here) *eye roll* Anyway, I decided that I only cook for guys I’m serious about. Because for me cooking is a “wifey” expression of care and not every guy deserves that. Its a silly rule, but it helps me keep relationships in perspective.

When we know the value of something, we’re prone to be selective about who gets to see/touch/experience it– why don’t we apply that same logic to ourselves?

We are valuable individuals with so much to offer, maybe we should be more selective about who gets access to every part of us…

Have you ever dated like a wife? How did it turn out?

I Refuse to Let a Man Make Me Crazy… (I Gave Him My Number Part 4)

A few months after Brian’s girlfriend called me and I ended things, I ran into him in the 72nd street train station near the store where we met. He kind of cornered me as I got onto the 2 train. Our conversation was a lot of pleading from him and eye rolling from me, but here are some interesting tidbits. Brian told his girlfriend that my number “actually belonged to the girlfriend of one of his male coworkers and the male coworker had been calling/texting from his girlfriends phone because his phone had died” that’s why a girls number was in his phone. *blank stare* but get this… she accepted his story and they stayed together! Even though our texts were very flirtatious and we were on the phone for hours at a ti– you know what nevermind. If she accepted his dumb lie, there’s no need for me to dissect how silly it all is.

Brian leaned in close and whispered, “I’m sorry that she called you. She’s crazy, you know?”

I pulled back, “She’s not crazy, she’s right. She thought you were cheating and you were. How does that make her crazy?” I waited a good minute for him to give an answer, which he couldn’t.

Have you ever noticed that lots of men have a “crazy girlfriend” or a “crazy ex”? Women are easily written off as crazy and everyone just accepts it, but our “crazy” doesn’t just come out of nowhere. If we were possessive/snooping/didn’t trust from the beginning, guys wouldn’t enter relationships with us.

My philosophy is that I refuse to let a man drive me crazy, what’s the point in having a boyfriend that I don’t trust? That’s no fun. Being the crazy girlfriend is time consuming and that snooping/distrustful behavior often makes men break up with us, which is so annoying when they’re the reason we got to that level of cuckoo in the first place.

*sigh* Here’s a few things for us to think about:

1.) Womans intuition is a real thing… like very real. But because intuition is intangible, nuanced and basically impossible to pin down, people who don’t have it (*ahem* men) will convince women that our intuition is just us being “crazy”, that we’re just paranoid. But, the truth is we can feel/pick up on things and there’s nothing wrong with that. Brian’s girlfriends intuition told her something was up, she listened to it, found information that validated it and then let her boyfriend convince her that she was wrong.

2.) Is having a boyfriend worth your sanity/peace of mind? I would not do well with a boyfriend that always had me “wondering”. I’m just not wired to get over something like inappropriate contact with other girls, I’m the type that believes that emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones and I don’t really believe in meaningless intimacy. So, that said– if my boyfriend jeopardized our trust, there’s no coming back from that for me. No matter how much I love him, my sanity is worth too much to me and wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, etc. would put me on an express train to crazytown. If you find yourself checking phones, feeling uneasy about other women and doing other “crazy” things, ask yourself if its worth it. Ask yourself if this is the type of girlfriend you want to be. The answer just might liberate you from the drama.

3.) If you meet a guy who says he has a “crazy ex” don’t just nod and accept that statement. Guys make that statement to exonerate themselves and also to make you think twice before listening to your own intuition. Cause if you do, they’ll hit you with the “you’re acting like my ex!” line and make you feel bad (but maybe they’re treating you like they treated their ex *shrugs*). Ask questions: What did she do that was crazy? What made her do that? Was she always like that? You might learn a lot about his past behaviors and avoid dating someone who can’t be a good boyfriend. I always like to remind men that THEY are the variable that made a girl suddenly nuts.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one… Any of you dated someone with a crazy ex? Any of you BECOME the crazy girlfriend or ex? Chime in below!