Tag Archives: Online Dating

When It’s Okay To Walk Out Of A Date

Walking into the new, chic bar in Harlem, I had the usual jitters that arrive when you’re about to meet someone you’ve been talking to online. I was nervous — but also excited — to learn more about J.R., the guy I’d been chatting and texting with for a few weeks.

From the moment I saw him (sitting, hunched over his phone, texting), I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I approached him in spite of it. We introduced ourselves, but instead of getting up and heading to the bar with me, he stayed fixated on his phone. After about 20 minutes of this — his phone getting way more attention than me — he excused himself to take a call. You can probably predict what happened next: He never came back. I sat alone in the bar, fighting back angry tears.

CeCe Olisa When It's Okay To Walk Out Of A Date

And yet, from the moment I’d laid eyes on J.R., my instincts had told me I wasn’t walking into a good situation. My Jerk-O-Meter had gone off, and I’d ignored it. Why had I stayed when my gut was telling me to leave? Why had I made feeble attempts at small talk when his body language was clearly telling me he wanted nothing to do with me? Well, I did it because it was the polite thing to do. I let manners trump my instincts. And, I realized with some dismay, it wasn’t the first time I’d allowed my inclination to be considerate overrule my need to stand up for myself.

Related: How to Deal with Rejection

I don’t think I’m alone in this. Women are practically trained to “be nice.” We want to be liked, and so we often act politely — even in the face of someone’s rudeness. Being nice to guys I dated, including ones I knew didn’t deserve it, was something I’d just always done. When J.R. defended his phone fixation with a sarcastic remark and still wouldn’t give me the time of day, I could have — and obviously should have — turned and walked out. But, I kept fighting to be polite. I’m not to blame for J.R.’s bad behavior, but my sitting down and continuing to engage with him indicated that I was okay with how he was treating me, which probably only made him think he could disrespect his future dates, too.

It was this horrible date with J.R. that gave me the impetus to throw my good manners out the window when I deemed it necessary. From now on, I was going to put myself first — even if it meant I had to be a little rude. Enough with the niceness all the time! I was quickly learning that it was not always the best policy. Now, if a date makes me feel disrespected, I have the right — and the obligation — to leave. And, I’m proud to say that’s just what I did the last time a guy I went out with turned out to be a jerk.

Related: Is Online Dating Different for Plus Size Women?

I’d met Pete online, and after some nice email exchanges, we decided to meet in person. Pete picked a coffee shop downtown, which fit my rule about meeting in neutral, safe locations. When I walked in, Pete waved at me, with a smile, from a table in the corner. “What’s up, CeCe!” he said, giving me one of those cool-guy chin nods. I hesitantly sat down. We’d barely said hello when Pete began to talk about himself, non-stop, while also checking out other girls right in front of my face. I looked at my watch (never a good sign during a date), which confirmed that the date had been going on for exactly six minutes. I waited for Pete to ask me something — anything — about myself. But, that never happened.

If this was Pete putting his best foot forward, I’d seen all I needed to. “Actually, I’m going to head out,” I said. “It was nice meeting you!” I picked up my purse and went to get a manicure.

Sometimes, being nice is overrated.

Have you ever walked out on a date? …ever wish you had?

What Happened When I Used A Full-Body Pic On A Dating Site

It took months for me to finally upload a full-body photo to my online-dating profile. Because I’m plus-sized, I figured that a head-to-toe picture would prevent men from messaging me; I assumed cute, up-close selfies would work in my favor — but, boy, did I misjudge that one.

I had heard people say I have a pretty face (the classic “big girl” compliment), so in the beginning, my dating profile pictures highlighted my face — and cut off my body. I usually made sure to include my chest, since, well, that was another area that usually got attention. You know the photo I’m talking about: the selfie taken from a perfect, slightly raised, double-chin-hiding angle — cropped just below the chest.

Putting those assets proudly out there felt like I was presenting the best version of myself — not unlike the way we put our best foot forward when interviewing for a job, right? Could what I was doing really be considered lying if my (innocent) goal was to give a strong first impression?

At first, this approach seemed fine. Many guys messaged me, and while we were flirting I’d always send over a head-to-toe photo of me in a cute outfit — so I wouldn’t shock them when we met in person. That’s when things would get awkward. Some guys would stop texting me; the others made it obvious that they only wanted to hook up. I’d been chatting with one guy regularly, but after I sent the full-body photo, he went from calling me every night (to ask how my day was) to sending messages at 1 a.m. (to ask whether I was dominant in bed).

Related: Is Dating As A Plus-Size Princess A Blessing Or A Curse?

What Happened When I Used A Full-Body Pic On A Dating Site

I was frustrated beyond belief. It became exhausting to sense chemistry with someone and then have to wonder if everything would change once he saw my body. It almost made me want to stop dating online altogether. But, that was before I stopped to consider: Was I doing this right?

To find out, I decided to re-do my profile. I was still eager to present my best self, but this time with honesty and integrity. So, I added five full-body photos to my dating profile, and the results were somewhat surprising: Continue reading

I’m Single… What am I Doing Wrong?! | Plus Size Dating | Love & Relationships

Dear CeCe,

For some reason I have the worst luck dating. For some reason, EVERY guy that makes a pass at me only wants me a “pillow buddy” or his friend on the side. I feel like I deserve to be the main chick. I dress conservatively, am well educated, am active in my community, work out regularly, have my own money, & keep myself up. Could there be something I have been doing for the past 10 years that has me screwing up my dating life?

P.S. Tried dating online… yea, same deal. All the guys just wanted me as a random hook up. I assure you the pictures I posted werent suggestive. Please help me! -DN

Hi DN,

Thanks for being patient while I gathered my thoughts on your letter. Hopefully some of the other PSP’s will chime in with their advice too!

I really wish I had a magic trick to sift through all the troll-ish men out there, but for me it was really time, staying in the dating game and keeping a diverse social roster that got me dating quality men.

 I do have some thoughts on what to do while you are single/navigating the dating game, so I made you a video response. Do you ever notice that many women who have been married for a while speak wistfully about their single life. Wishing they had done more while they had time/freedom?

Being single was really hard for me. I spent the first few years of my twenties, frustrated because I didn’t have a guy to spend time with. Then when I was like 25, I shifted my thinking and became grateful that I had extra time, love and talents that I could share with others in a variety of ways.

I think I’ve been trying to rush through being single instead of making the most of this portion of my life when my time/money/responsibilities are mine to work with.

Questions that are coming up for me during my single/unmarried time are:

  1. Are there people around me who could use my time/gifts/talent?
  2. What can I do now that I might not be able to do when I’m married or a mom?
  3. Is there something specific I’m supposed to be doing before I meet someone?

I’ve been doing my best to answer those questions and live my life accordingly. From there, my life has taken me to many unexpected places and in a lot of ways, me tapping into that is what attracts Robert to me.

I think you’re on the right track and I definitely don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. My main advice is to not let any of the love in your heart go to waste, there’s someone out there who needs it.

xoxo,

CeCe

p.s. Ladies, do you have any additional advice for DN?

 

Single What Should I do

The ONE Time I Decided to Settle… a Cautionary Tale | Plus Size Dating | Relationships

A few weeks ago I posted an email on my instagram from a guy I used to date.

I was trying to see if you are free. Nowadays you look HOT. Do you want to hang out tomorrow?

Plus Size Dating Low Self Esteem

Wait– did this guy really say “nowadays”??

I swear to you, if I could erase one guy from my dating history it would be Elliott.

I dated Elliott when I was in a very bad place regarding my body image and self esteem. For a few months I convinced myself that maybe as a fat girl I should just “take what I could get” dating-wise. Elliott is what happened to me when I subscribed to that thinking. He was rude, had an awkward kissing style personality and said hurtful things to me constantly.

Like the time he whispered “You know, if you lost weight you’d be REALLY hot” right before he tried to stab me in the mouth with his pointy tongue…

*blank stare*

I went on four painful dates with Elliott until the day I decided that if he was the best I could get, I’d rather be alone.

Unfortunately, my biggest dating mistake is like a cockroach that won’t die. Although I dated him years ago, Elliott reaches out to me every 4-6 months to see “what’s up”. I’ve done everything I could to block him from my life, including lying and telling him that I was engaged and moving out of the country, which seemed to have worked until… he discovered my blog (thanks, internet!).

Hearing from Elliott last month reminded me of what the universe handed me when I decided I would take anything.

#NoThankYou

Its Valentines week and whether we have a boyfriend, a girlfriend or we’re flying solo, this is a good time for us to start thinking about the love we have for ourselves and how that affects our relationships.

Do me a favor: take a moment and think about your worst dating situation… how did you feel about yourself when that relationship came to be?

When I’m in a good place, I attract good people… when I’m in a bad place? I get the “nowadays” dude who couldn’t even kiss me properly. Looking back, I can trace my dating steps and see that as I went back to loving myself and embracing my value as a person (at any size) the quality of guys that I dated began to improve again. It wasn’t immediate… there was a lot of “single CeCe” time in there too, but as I’ve said before the single time made me into the independent girl that Robert loves.

Have you ever dated someone who was just whack? Do you think it was connected to how you felt about yourself at the time?

p.s. my favorite valentines post is called “I Haven’t Changed” if you/you’re girlfriends are feeling frustrated this Vday, you might want to check that post out too

p.p.s. Don’t forget I’m hosting an event this Saturday, hope to see you there… you can register here

Dear CeCe: Should I Let my Boyfriend Sleep With Someone Else?

Hi CeCe!

I’m in a loving relationship with my man for about 4 years now. But now and then, we get a little bored so we’ve decided to do a controlled “experiment.” He and I can both sleep with one person off Tinder (the dating app!) with the caveat that we need to sign off on each other’s person. 

Tinder is interesting actually. Have you ever tried the app? What do you think? Is this a recipe for disaster? I already feel a little guilty when I attempt to contact men off Tinder.  

-Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Here are some things to ask yourself:

1.) Should I look for excitement inside of my relationship or outside of it?

2.) What if I don’t like this “experiment” and my boyfriend loves it?

3.) Why am I trying to save my relationship by doing things that make me feel guilty?

4.) Am I happy? Am I fulfilled? Is this the relationship for me?

5.) Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t mind me sleeping with someone else?

I’ve elaborated a bit more in this video response, I hope its helpful to you!

Side Note– for single girls looking for new dating apps to try: Yes, I have heard good things about Tinder and the other swipe-quickly app, TryHotorNot which is a new take on the old time-killing site that people were obsessed with a few years back. Robert would kill me if I signed up, so if you’re on either of these new sites let me know how it goes for you 😉

…thoughts? What advice do you have for our girl?

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

curvy convo cece olisa cheating

My Online Dating Mistakes… (Video)

When I first started online dating I made so many rookie mistakes. I chose the wrong site, put up the wrong pics and said the wrong things. If you’re trying to get boo’d up in 2014 and online dating is part of your plan, these are the things not to do! Feel free to share your online dating mis-steps below… each one, teach one!

The Tumbnail on this video looks wonky but the video works, press play!

Mistake #1 I paid for online dating sites – in the end I had the most fun meeting guys on free sites. I was able to cast a wide net and I didn’t see every connection as something I had paid for which made things feel a bit more organic.

Mistake #2 I only put up one perfectly cropped, high angle, boobs and face only picture – Once I learned to put multiple pictures on my profile, the guys I met in person were never surprised by my size. This made my in person dates much more relaxed. We are the size we are… the guys who skip us because they see our full body pics aren’t the guys who we need to be dating anyway… Don’t forget, guys do photo trickery too… remember the guy who had no teeth? Well, his photos hid that very well!

Mistake #3 I was so confused by the online dating “lingo” and I said things on my profile that made me seem… um… fast – When my profile made it seem like I only wanted to hook up, guys definitely treated me that way. Oops!

What online dating mistakes have you made?

Dating Pet Peeve: Guys Who Can’t Make Decisions

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Since iPhones archive everything, its easy to scroll through my texts and see what guys I was talking to at different points in my dating life. I did a search for “thanksgiving” in my texts and came across this conversation that illustrates something guys do that drives me nuts: Forcing me to make alllllll the decisions.

I understand that no one wants to date the “she’ll have the steak” type of guy, but there’s got to be a happy medium between overbearing and no effort at all.

The texts in white are him, the texts in green are me, this is our first conversation after I gave him my number:

photo 1 crop

 

Alright, mister I’m giving you major points for trying to arrange a date during our first text conversation, because dudes out here love to text “good morning”, “wyd”, and “happy thanksgiving” for months without setting up an actual date. But why ask me when I’m free if you already know you’re only available on Tuesdays and Wednesdays?

A simple “Hey, CeCe are you free on Tuesday or Wednesday? Maybe we can grab a drink…” would have been perfect. But you’re trying, so I’ll meet you halfway:

photo 2a crop

 

Hmmm as a girl, “what would you like to do?” is such a hard question to answer. I never want to choose a dating activity that’s out of your price range. I mean, my favorite first dates have always been activities (i.e. bowling, arcades, scavenger hunts), but for some guys that’s too much. Again, why not throw out some ideas and let me choose my favorite instead of making me come up with everything.

Side note: what’s with all the commas “,,,,,,,” from this guy?

photo 2b crop

 

Sir, do you realize that I have planned this entire first date so far? I’ve set the day, the activity and now the time. But before I get myself worked up, let me just be honest with you, you’re not a mind reader. So maybe I should just tell you that I’d like you participate in the decision making, duh…

photo 2c crop

*Drops phone and slides to the floor*

photo 3 crop

I’m going to make this hard? Okay…

Have you ever had a guy plan a date for the two of you where every detail was taken care of? I have and its such an awesome feeling to know that he took the time to think through a fun night for both of us… even if the date isn’t perfect, that type of investment and planning speaks volumes!

Am I asking for cinderella treatment from day one? No… I have no problem making decisions together– but when a guy can’t seem to make any decisions at all it comes off as kind of, I dunno… lazy.

What do you think? How do you deal with guys that refuse to make decisions?

***Due to a site glitch, some of your comments were deleted, I’m copy/pasting them below, you can add additional comments in the comment box***

  • AroundHarlem

    my only response would have been any thing but sea food. You pick the time and place. I don’t pay for first dates so I don’t plan them.

  • Avatar
    doofla

    oh man, my boyfriend still does this! I try to give him a break because it really is just part of his easy-going personality, but he knows when I say “I WANT YOU TO PLAN THIS TIME” he actually has to plan it instead of being “nice” by asking a million times what I want to do. I might’ve had to send him the link to the wikipedia “decision fatigue” entry a few times before he got it though. 🙂

  • Avatar
    Lona nods

    i had an ex that did this and it was aggravating and exhausting. what was even more aggravating was to get to a resturant and he not eat anything because he didn’t like that particular cuisine. it was like that with movies and anything else that happened outside of the house. glad he’s an ex.

  • Avatar
    nicthommi

    One nice thing though is their failure to make a decision makes it easy for you to make a decision…
    to not speak with this person ever again. That guy was just demonstrating that he was not boyfriend material and never would be .
    Also do not know what is up with people that try to send random texts or even have multiple conversations without making a plan to meet. If you aren’t asking me out the first time (or second, depending on whether we met in real life on online) I hear your voice, we aren’t going to speak again. It’s pretty simple.

  • Avatar
    Curvily NYC

    When I was dating, I was happy to give suggestions if they had something in mind, but I was not trying to plan the entire first date. So annoying!

  • Avatar
    AroundHarlem

    I’m a big believer of how a relationship starts is how it will be so if you start a relationship with someone who can’t be responsible for decisions, all future decisions will fall on you as well.

  • Avatar
    BlueIris

    This happens to me all the time and it’s so incredibly annoying. To me, it doesn’t just seem lazy, but it also seems like he doesn’t care about the date at all. I feel like I’m forcing him into going out with me.

  • Avatar
    Sonya Mann

    this would annoy the heck out of me =P

Smelly Men I’ve Dated (Part One)

As I climbed the steps in the semi-packed movie theater, the first seats I saw were in the middle on the end. I was on my first date with Benjamin, a Grad Student I’d met online.

To be honest, I was pretty sure the love story of Benjamin and CeCe would be short. Our texts and phone conversations had been kind of plain (borderline boring), and there were no sparks. But Benjamin was polite, respectful and he called me more than he texted me which always earns points in my book. So I agreed to go out with him just in case there was a chance that our chemistry in person was better than our chemistry on the phone.

I live in Harlem and Benjamin lived over the bridge in the Bronx, so we agreed to see a movie in my neighborhood instead of trekking all the way downtown. When I walked into the theater, Benjamin was waiting for me with a big hug, a smile and a movie ticket.

“It’s such a nice night, I actually walked here,” he said as we rode the escalators up to the concession stand.

“You walked to Harlem from the Bronx?”

“Yeah, it’s not that bad… I just walked over the bridge and then its like another 15 blocks!”

I nodded and smiled.

Benjamin asked if I wanted snacks, I declined so we walked right into the theater.

As we settled into our seats, the movie previews began.

“That looks like a good one,” Benjamin leaned over to whisper into my ear… and that’s when the musty smell first hit my nostrils.

At first I thought it was the seats in the theater, but every time Benjamin shifted, the odor intensified. What is that? I thought to myself… then it hit me: oh my gosh, it smells like… sweat… but its sweat mixed with something else… something like…

and before I could finish my thought, Benjamin causally crossed his legs and my eyes zeroed in on his shoes… LOAFERS. WITH. NO. SOCKS.

oh my gosh… I was smelling a delicate mixture of body sweat and foot funk because this dude really decided to walk 30 blocks with no socks for a first date!

I put my wrist to my nose, trying to inhale my own perfume so I could focus on the movie, but the steamy smells wafting into my nostrils were the ultimate distraction and to make things worse: Benjamin was trying to put the moves on me.

He was nudging my leg with his.

He was leaning over to whisper to me and lingering near my neck.

He was raising his arm up to stretch and… put his arm around my shoulder?

I saw the arm around the shoulder move coming and before I knew what I was doing I slowly flopped over the arm of my chair away from him like a rag doll.

So there I was with the bottom half of my body in the chair and the top half hanging over the arm of my seat into the aisle. I stayed like that for half of the movie until my ribcage began to cramp from the awkward position. I didn’t know what to do…

I finally understood what people meant when they said smells were “offensive” I was definitely offended. Offended that I was forced to watch a movie folded in half, offended that this guy thought it was okay to get some cardio in before seeing me, offended that he doesn’t understand his own body chemistry when I work so hard to understand mine and most of all I was offended by Benjamin’s Eau de Funk.

In what I can only describe as an angelic intervention, the couple in front of us walked out of the movie leaving two open seats. “I’m going to sit over here” I whispered, and with no further explanation I moved seats, enjoyed my movie and gulped in breaths of sweet funk-free air.

The sad thing is… this isn’t the only smelly date I’ve had. Stay tuned for “Smelly Men I’ve Dated (Part Two)”

Note: I am still happily dating Robert, this date happened before I met him.

HELP! The Guys That Hit me up, are NOT my type! #PSPlove

Before we jump into today’s question, I’ll be appearing on AriseTV today at 1pm discussing plus size dating. It live streams at 1pm you can tweet questions to @OurTakeAriseTV and follow along via the #ourtakearise hashtag. 

Today’s question comes from Twitter:

Oh, @Prime_Bee… I know how you feel.

Mutual attraction is one of the hardest parts about dating as a Plus Size Princess, in my opinion. I go through phases where I swear I’m just a magnet for weirdos and when I started dating online, it was all laid out in my inbox.

The first time I opened an online dating account, I was so hopeful. All of my girlfriends were going on dates with cool guys they had met online. These guys were taking them on creative dates, putting in effort to get to know them, you know… actually courting them! So when I opened my account and the messages started pouring in, I was almost giddy– until I read the messages:

50% of them were blatant sex propositions

25% of them were from men who lived in third world countries

Then there’s the other 25% who were actually interested in dating me, the problem was I was 100% NOT interested in dating them. Some were too old, some were too obsessed with my body size and some were too unfamiliar with the English language (If your message says “wassup sxy u look gud” I will delete it).

Let’s face it, for whatever reasons dating a big girl is still considered a big deal to many people and because of that, there are men who aren’t secure enough to holler at a Plus Size Princess, no matter how attracted he is to her. As I mentioned in “Plus Size Dating: A Blessing or a Curse?”, we have to be honest with ourselves and just accept the fact that there are men who are totally into PSPs, but will NEVER admit it *shrugs*

On one hand that’s an awful thought… on the other hand, if something like our weight makes a guy punk out, that’s not the guy we want anyway!

Okay, so you’re online and you’re not having much luck… here are my thoughts on shaking up your luck:

  1. Get offline – No, I don’t mean delete your account. I mean get up, walk away from your computer, get dressed and go out! Online dating is a great way to meet people, but it shouldn’t be the only way. Before I met Robert, online dating was a subsidy for my dating life, so if I only met one guy online in a month it was okay, because I was also meeting guys around the city and dating them too. If you put pressure on your online dating accounts to find dates, its too much… mix things up.
  2. Send Messages – I will often send a simple “Hi, How are you?” to guys I think are attractive. If they message me back, we chat a bit and sometimes they’ve said they were glad I hit them up because they didn’t think they were my type. You never know!
  3. Remember You – What do you like to do? What are you interested in? Go do those things… I always say that dry spells are the best time to get in touch with who we are. That sense of self, shifts our focus away from the “man hunt” and then we relax and hopefully become content/confident with our lives… which is always attractive.
  4. Date Outside of Your Type – If a man approaches you online and he’s not what you think you’re looking for physically, but he’s respectful… I’d go out with him. I’ve had great dates with guys I didn’t think I’d be “into”. Take a look at your non-negotiables, if your list of things a man must have/be is really outrageous, reassess your needs vs. your wants. (My list of non-negotiables is: Taller than me, Smart, Christian… that’s it!)
  5. Don’t take it personal – For a long time I internalized the weirdo’s that were approaching me. I wrote about it in “Are the Men I Attract a Reflection of Me?” and the answer is, NO!

Ladies, do you find you’re approached by guys you’re not interested in? How do you meet guys you’re actually into?

Chime in below…

Match.com Sheds Light on The Single Life

Singles in America Match

This weekend I hung out with Match.com and took a look at their Singles in America study with data from Dr. Helen Fisher. There was a lot of interesting information about how single people operate these days. Here are some of the facts that surprised me:

  • 45% of people had a friends with benefits relationship turn into a long-term partnership Dr. Helen Fisher says that “Friends with Benefits” is emerging as the new pre-relationship status. Maybe that’s the true definition of  “Its Complicated” on facebook! I’m not a big promoter of the whole FWB situation if you really want more from the person than the physical, but apparently its working for someone!
  • 40% of people have fallen in love with someone they weren’t initially attracted to I found this to be fascinating as a Plus Size Princess because it might explain all the guys I’ve dated who never dated a PSP before. Some men are drawn to big women exclusively, some men would “never date a fat chick”… then there are those men who are attracted to all different types of women, depending on chemistry. We spend so much time as PSPs worrying that our looks take us out of the game, maybe it doesn’t matter as much as we think.
  • 42% of men have shared the sext they received from a partner with others think twice before you hit send, there’s a good chance his friends will end up seeing your goodies!

What about you guys:

Ever had a friend with benefits turn into a boyfriend?

Ever fallen for someone who wasn’t “your type”?

(and if you care to share) Ever had a sext end up in the wrong hands?

For more on the Match.com study, watch the video below!