Tag Archives: Love

Um… are we dating? (Part One)

It was a bright winter Sunday in New York City. My sister Denise was in town for the weekend and we were on our way to church. Church is something I look forward to, my faith is an important part of my life and its always lovely to worship with others.

But this Sunday I was nervous…

This Sunday, Robert was meeting me at church. Who is Robert? (Good question) Robert and I work for the same company and this would be our first time seeing each other outside of the office. Although Robert had been working at my company for a few months, it wasn’t until a work sponsored happy hour, two weeks ago, that he and I actually had a conversation. Since then his trips past my desk have gone from waves and smiles… to “hello’s”… to small talk… to him asking to come to church with me and me happily saying yes.

When I told Denise that a guy from my job would be worshipping with us, she raised an eyebrow. “Okay… that’s random– is this like, a ‘thing’?” she asked. And the truth was, I had no idea! I couldn’t tell if he was just nice or if he was interested in me. It wasn’t even worth thinking about because, after all of the mixed signals and false starts with Jeremy I was definitely gun shy.

Service was wonderful, as usual, and afterward Robert offered to walk my sister and me home. We were chatting casually when I heard my name being called from across the street. I looked over and it was Jeremy, he was exiting a cafe with a some friends. He waved them on and made his way across the street. I know he lives in the neighborhood, but of all the people for us to run into, why Jeremy?

“Hey Denise, I didn’t know you were in town this weekend,” he asked, giving my sister a hug. Then he turned to me. “Hey.”

My heart skipped a beat, “Hey, Jeremy– this is Robert.”

“Hey man,” Jeremy said shaking Roberts hand. We kept walking and Jeremy fell into step with us. I could not believe this was happening. “So do you two know each other from work or something?” Jeremy asked, rudely.

“Yup,” I could have killed him. His apartment wasn’t even in the direction we were going… this was crazy. I was trying to think of something to say when Jeremy chimed in with:

“Denise, did your sister tell you we had a hot date last week and she stood me up? We were supposed to have dinner.”

I could not believe it, Jeremy had asked to meet me for dinner and when I said I would be an hour late because of work, he claimed he was too tired and hungry to wait for me. But here he was making it sound like… like… it was something else completely. My face was hot, I didn’t want to over react in front of Robert, so I just said nothing.

“CeCe left me, sitting at the restaurant with a bowl of chips and guacamole– it was horrible…”

“Oh my gosh, Jeremy– You are so fired! That’s not what happened and you know it.” I said with a forced smile and left it at that. Fighting with Jeremy in front of Robert was not a good look.

“I’m fired, huh?” Jeremy said jokingly.

Then Robert chimed in, “Well if you’re firing people, that must mean your company has openings now, right?”

“Whoa! Listen dude,” Jeremy interrupted “Let me tell you about working for Celeste. You put in a lot of effort and you get a minimal return.”

It was said as a joke, so we all laughed. But the weight of that statement was so heavy I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until the moment was over. Finally we reached a major intersection where it was appropriate to part ways. Jeremy took off with a hand shake for Robert, a hug for Denise and an (unwelcome) kiss on the cheek for me. Robert thanked me for letting him come to church with me and quickly ran down into the subway station.

I stood on the street looking at Denise. Before I could speak she read my mind when she said:

“That… was a lot.”

A New Years Kiss Gone Wrong (Instant Message Edition)

It was Monday morning and I was exhausted. I went to get some coffee and when I came back to my desk an Instant Message was blinking on the screen.

Jeremy: hey

It was 9:30am and I hadn’t spoken to Jeremy since Saturday… I was not ready for this!

CeCe: good morning
Jeremy: hows work?
CeCe: everythings fine
Jeremy: Lets talk
CeCe: okay… what about?
Jeremy: The other night…

Okay, I really was not ready for this! I had so many questions for him… but I was afraid to ask them. Plus I hate IMing… I need to see a persons face when we’re talking… or at least hear their voice! Augh… I’d have to play this cool and let him lead the conversation.

CeCe: Okay, what’s up?
Jeremy: Everyone’s saying that I was really out of it on Sat. but I cant remember anything! What’s your take?
CeCe: I dunno… one minute you were fine and the next minute you were passed out in Charlotte’s car
Jeremy: Man… I haven’t done that since college

I wasn’t sure what to say next! Are you dating Maya? Why did you avoid me half the night? Do you remember kissing me? Did you mean it when you said you were in love with me? Instead I settled on:

CeCe: I felt like I wasn’t allowed to talk to you that night
Jeremy: Really? Why?
CeCe: I dunno… I just did
Jeremy: Ok
CeCe: You don’t have anything to say?
Jeremy: Not really… you don’t know why you felt like that and neither do I.

(A few minutes passed… which in IM-land is an eternity)

CeCe: Is there anything you want to tell me?


(A minute more…)

Jeremy: Nope. Nothing. Enough about Saturday though, What’s up? How are you?
CeCe: I’m fine
Jeremy: No… really. How are you?

I wanted to say…. What do you want me to say, Dude?? I’m confused because I think you like me but it looks like you are involved with someone else! I’m frustrated because you keep doing things to make me think its okay to like you back and then you constantly let me down! I’m tired of this drama and I really think I need to take a step back from you!!!

Instead I settled on:

CeCe: I’m fine… silly
Jeremy: I’m just trying to break down that wall that you hold up so well. Even though you want everyone else to break down theirs.
CeCe: That’s sweet
Jeremy: That’s all I get, huh?

I sat there staring at my computer screen… I wanted to explain that there was so much he could get from me, if only he would make up his mind! Instead I settled on:

CeCe: Maybe when you’re done breaking down everyone else’s walls, you just might have enough time/energy for mine.
Jeremy: That wasn’t a double entendre was it?
CeCe: You can take it how you like
Jeremy: Whoa! Damn, girl that was kinda sexy 😉
CeCe: TTYL

A New Years Kiss Gone Wrong (Part Four)

If Jeremy was going to play dumb, I really couldn’t push things much further, so I planned to take Mayas party as my opportunity to make a final assessment of everything and then I would move forward… or move on.

The ensemble for the evening was: a magenta mini-skirt with a black halter. I opted for black tights (because it was like, 2 degrees in New York City) black heels and I carried every else I needed in a sparkly black clutch.

I arrived more than fashionably late, so by the time I checked my coat and made my way into the venue everyone was already there; including Jeremy. I made my way to Maya’s table and she handed me a flute of champagne. We toasted, posed for a few pictures and then I made my way around to greet everyone else.

The DJ was awesome and I jumped right onto the main dance floor with some friends that were there. As the night went on I danced with everyone, everyone… except Jeremy. Either I was crazy or he was avoiding me. But why was Jeremy avoiding me? This was the same Jeremy who, on many occasions would sweep me up in my kitchen and slow dance with me for no reason. Or who would play songs on my computer and sing them to me in my bedroom. So for us, dancing together was nothing new… but maybe since Maya was there, things were new, or at least different? I started to get an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I had some more champagne and spent the rest of the night on the dance floor.

The night was drawing to a close and I had danced until my hair fell flat and I had to put it in a ponytail. This was it… he had avoided me, given all his attention to her and that was more than I could handle. Who cares if Maya was the birthday girl… if he had a real interest in me he would not have felt the need to be by her side the majority of the night. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize I had stopped dancing until bodies began to bump and push me. I took a few steps to the side and leaned against the wall.

Suddenly Jeremy was standing in front of me. He placed his palms on the wall behind me just over each of my shoulders… as if by instinct I hooked my hands onto his arms. His face was inches from mine.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

Why did this feel so wrong?

I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until his lips touched mine. The kiss was quick but it kick-started my breathing again. He kissed me again (what is with him and the double kiss??) Anyway, I couldn’t even enjoy the moment because I kept wondering if Maya could see us. I pushed him away.

“This is crazy,” I said.

I ducked under his arms, made my way off the dance floor, collected my coat and left. There was a 24 hour grocery store across the street and I decided to go inside. 20 minutes later I emerged with everything I’d need for the pity party breakfast I was planning to have the next morning.

I had been on the corner stomping my feet for warmth and trying to hail a taxi for a few minutes when a car pulled up beside me. It was Charlotte, Jeremy’s friend.

“Girl, get in… its freezing!”

I jumped in the car with a million thanks.

“No problem,” Charlotte replied. “I was just getting my car from the parking garage… I’m going to swing back to the club and pick up my boyfriend and Jeremy. Then I can drop you off at your place… Jeremy is really drunk!”

Jeremy? Seriously? Before I could protest, Charlotte’s boyfriend swung the car door open and began to push Jeremy’s limp body into the back seat.

CeCe!” Jeremy slurred.

I turned to Charlotte, “I just left like, 45 minutes ago and he was fine… how did he get this wasted?”

Charlotte just shrugged.

The ride home was pretty quiet, until Charlotte pulled up to my apartment. That’s when Jeremy mumbled “You knoooow… I’m in love with CeCeeee! Buut… she… doesn’t like me anymoooore!”

I didn’t even bother responding. I just thanked Charlotte for the ride and made my way into my apartment. I got inside, put away my groceries and took a long, hot shower. As I climbed into bed, Jeremy’s drunken words were still echoing in my head.

I’m in love with CeCe… She doesn’t like me anymore…

I didn’t know how much of what he said was true and that went for both statements.

I wasn’t sure if he was in love with me.

And honestly, I wasn’t sure if I liked him anymore.

A New Year’s Kiss Gone Wrong (Part Three)

I ignored his text message.

I didn’t know how to answer such a simple, yet overwhelming question. The way Maya acted, the intensity of her anger, it all had me quite convinced that there was something between her and Jeremy. So, No– I wasn’t okay.

I had let my guard down and now I was hurting. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t eat and I developed a habit of bursting into tears at random times. I went through my days consumed with the situation. Why couldn’t anything be easy? Why cant things just fall into place? I also began to have a lot of body anxiety because Maya is skinny. I started feeling like I was crazy to think Jeremy would choose me over her, despite my previous discoveries about what he’s attracted to. This went on for three days, until I slowly began to snap out of it. I went to my favorite yoga class, I started putting together extra-cute outfits for work… anything to make me feel better.

Then I got a text message from Jeremy:

“Are you going to Maya’s party on Sat?”

I completely forgot! Maya’s birthday was in two days… this was going to be tough because, despite all the recent confusion surrounding Jeremy, Maya and I are friends! I don’t dislike her at all, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to face a potential repeat of the last time the three of us were together. Somehow between me sending him a text saying I wasn’t sure if I was going, and Jeremy trying to convince me that “we should go”, we ended up making plans for him to come over to my apartment later that night.

My plan was to let him have the floor in the hopes that he would explain what was going on with him and Maya (and him and me for that matter). But that didn’t happen. He talked about everything and nothing… I could feel the frustration brewing inside of me until I blurted out:

“What happened the other night?”

He looked at me blankly.

“Why was Maya so upset?” I continued.

“I don’t know,” he said. “…I was just trying to talk to you.”

I wanted to punch him, but I pressed on.

“She seemed really upset, though…”

“Yeah– I don’t know what her problem was. I was trying to be nice to her, but she seemed like she was in a mood.” And with that, he shrugged and changed the subject.

I didn’t have the energy to steer the conversation back, and doing so would only make me look like a jealous brat, so I let it die. I was sure that my instincts were correct, but since he was going to pretend that he wasn’t involved with her, I’d just have to go along with it.

I was going to have to take things one step at a time and step one would be to toss my body anxiety aside, pull it together and go to Maya’s birthday….

A New Years Kiss Gone Wrong (Part Two)

On January 1st, I woke up at 1:30pm in a champagne induced fog.

I stretched my legs under my down comforter, fully prepared to curl up for a few more minutes, when suddenly the events of the night before came flooding back. Instinctively I touched my fingertips to my mouth– wow, Jeremy kissed me last night.

I was lying in bed replaying everything that happened when my phone chimed. I had a text message… from Jeremy:

“I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.”

I smiled to myself and rolled out of bed. We had New Years Day dinner plans with some friends and I had only a few hours to pull myself together….

I was running late for dinner and Maya offered to give me a ride to the restaurant. Since the kiss happened while she was in the room, it was nice to know that nothing was going on between her and Jeremy. As we pulled up to the restaurant we realized there were no open parking spaces so we’d have to drive around for a while. Jeremy came up to the car, leaned through the passenger side window and gave me a long kiss on the cheek. Of course, his affection in front of Maya reassured me that nothing was going on between them.

“I’ll ride with you guys to look for a space” he said, jumping into the back seat.

As we chatted about our day, he leaned forward and wrapped himself around my car seat until his hands were around my waist… his fingers slipped into mine.

He’s doing all of this in front of Maya, I thought to myself. This really means they’re just friends! I was so silly to think anything else!

We found a parking space and it was at that moment that I realized something was wrong. Maya hadn’t said anything the whole time we were in the car. She jerked the car into park, jumped out of the car and slammed the door. Before I knew it, she was bolting down the street toward the restaurant.

Then the unthinkable happened:

Jeremy swung his car door open, “MAYA!!”, he yelled and ran down the street after her.

He yelled her name.

He chased her down the street.

He left me by the car.

My mind was racing; How could Maya get that upset during a five minute car ride?? The only thing noteworthy that happened was Jeremy’s affection towards me… But why would his actions towards me make her upset like that unless… there was something going on between them!

It took me a few seconds to recover, but I composed myself and casually walked into the restaurant. By this time our party was being seated. My face was so hot… I knew I had to get out of there.

I sent an SOS text message to my friend Andrew who immediately called my phone giving me an excuse to leave.

“Listen– Um my friend needs me,” I lied. “I have to go”.

As I rushed out of the restaurant, Jeremy grabbed my hand– “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “I- I can’t be here right now.”

I walked out into the cold without any real destination. As I walked along Central Park West, I saw a bus that I knew would take me home. I hopped on it, and by the time I walked into my apartment and slipped out of my coat, I had a text message from Jeremy:

“Are you Okay?”

A New Years Kiss Gone Wrong (Part One)

Its been established that Jeremy and I have chemistry, but I still wasn’t sure if he had legitimate interest in me. He’s the type of guy who is nice to everyone, loving and kind without hesitation. So when he texts me things like “I miss you!” or “I love you…” I often assume that they are mass texts sent to multiple people… perhaps multiple females.

I’ve been doing a decent job of keeping him at arms length, even when he is saying and doing things that could be interpreted as him expressing interest in me. I just haven’t been able to let my guard down for a two reasons:

1.) I’m afraid he’s just being nice and doesn’t see me “that way”.
2.) I’m afraid he’s having similar interactions with other girls.

I guess the running theme here is… I’m afraid.

All that began to change the Tuesday before New Years when I got a poetic/cryptic text message from him basically telling me that he wants to love me but I have to receive it… trust him and love him back.

Half of me honestly thought he was joking around… as he often says he loves me and then we both laugh. But the other half wondered if I should be taking him seriously.

We both had plans to attend a New Years Eve church service that ended around 12:30am and from there to go to a party at a friends house. Since we were in church for the countdown I knew there wouldn’t be any fantastic New Years kiss, but he did sweep me up in a big hug, anyway– Fast Forward to this party…

I get there and see a lot of people I know, including a friend of ours named Maya. Maya is really nice, I like her a lot and we’ve been becoming good friends. She’s also been getting closer to Jeremy and although he never talks about her, sometimes I wonder if he’s interested in her (See fear #2 above). When I saw her there, I figured the way he handled both of us being at the same event might give me some insight on how he felt about her.

So as I leaned against a wall, observing the party and Jeremy came over to me I didn’t think much of it. We talked about the night and how we were glad we were together. Then mid-conversation, he kissed me. It was simple, quick and unexpected. He looked at me and said “You finally let me kiss you…” I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything… we just went back to talking. Then he kissed me again, same as the first.

This was good, Maya was in the room when the kiss happened so I took that to mean there’s nothing between them. Also, I don’t know any guys who just kiss their friends, so I suppose the kiss means he sees me as more than a friend.

So I could erase my fears, let my guard down and go for it with Jeremy, right?

Wrong.

A Big Girl Rant: Why do I Attract Closeted Gay Men???

I think it was Rosanne Barr who said “If it weren’t for gay men, fat chicks would never have anyone to dance with”. To a certain extent, I agree… I can remember a few awkward moments on New York City dance floors when a random “gay in shinning armor” would come to my rescue and dance with me, saving me from the sadness of feeling invisible.

I feel like there is an unspoken bond between gay men and PSP’s (Plus Size Princesses). Its a natural pairing of two groups who are often on the outside looking in. As a PSP it can also provide regular male companionship (and a stand-by date, if needed). I love my gay male friends, they are all so different some are very professional, some are more creative and they all bring different things to my life… but as a PSP there is one type of gay man that I have to warn you about:

The gay man who thinks he’s straight.

Call it what you will “Closet Case”, “Suspect” or “Down Low” it is my observation that, these men often date big women. Its almost as if the gay man inside of them recognizes the connection they could have with a PSP, but somewhere things get confused and suddenly they are seeing her romantically even though they are sexually attracted to men.

I’ve had it explained to me that a woman with lower self esteem (as PSP’s often have) may excuse or ignore the signs that the man in her life might be gay.

I see how this can be easy to do, if you take a woman who often gets little to no attention from men, and suddenly a man (perhaps a well dressed, attractive, polite, put together man) is interested in her. This man knows how to make her feel special and isn’t afraid to tell her how important she is. Her choice then becomes: ignore how quickly he pulls up the online bingo tab to cover up the Britney Spears video, and all the other signs that put his sexuality in question, or face them and risk being alone… again.

I don’t want to be that girl, and so far I’ve dodged the bullet (Remember James?).

I found out recently that this is something I’ve been dodging since high school. When I was a Sophomore, John Tomsonni, who was like, “The Senior” told Andrew, my Best Friend (who at the time wasn’t out of the closet) that he wanted to take me to the winter formal. I could not believe that of all the girls he could choose from, he wanted to take me. Unfortunately I was 15 and my parents would not let me go on dates until I was 16. He went off to college that year and I always had hopes of rekindling what could have been. I sort of lost track of John, but found out recently that he’s living in Colorado with his longtime boyfriend.

I even have my doubts about Jeremy! I didn’t want to bring it up, but I sent my sister a link to his facebook page the other day. She called me a few hours later and the first question she asked me was “do you think he might be….”

“OH EM GEE… YES!” I screamed, “What made you ask?”

“I dunno… some of his photos” she replied. “there’s nothing wrong with them, but…”

I threw myself face first into my pillow to muffle the screams coming out of my mouth because I knew what she meant. I had spent a good amount of time studying his photos and there was just something about them; and my sister saw it too (who knew gaydar was genetic?).

Now, good gaydar doesn’t go off because a man is wearing a pink sequin shirt, it goes off on an x-factor, something you often can’t pinpoint. Its the kind of thing where even if a guy is wearing a football jersey, chugging beer and screaming at the TV set, you can still pick up that he’s Suspect. You just see something in him that makes you question.

But not all men are like that! Most men are just point blank, no questions asked, heterosexual males. So, why is it that every potential guy I come across has me with my head cocked to the side like Scooby Doo?!?!

The really frustrating part is that I think my friends are so eager to see me with someone that they compromise and don’t tell me what they really think. I introduced James to a few people and all of them kept beating around the bush. Even Andrew, who I trust, routinely avoided telling me that he thought James was a closet case. It took someone brazen like Dean to speak the truth and instruct me to move on. Of course, once Dean said “he’s gay” everyone chimed in to back him up, but if he hadn’t spoken up and I was just the tiniest bit desperate… then what?

I’ve seen this happen routinely to other big women out there and I refuse to fall into the trap… I refuse to have people sitting at my wedding wondering “is she blind?” or wondering “with all the gay friends that girl has… why didn’t someone didn’t say something”….

At the end of the day I can’t control the fact that gay men are attracted to me, I guess I just have to make sure I don’t start becoming attracted to them.