Tag Archives: Love

I Love My Boyfriend…Thoughts???

“Do you say you love each other?” Dean asked, while taking a long sip of his Tequilla Sunrise.

“Um… we’ve kind of said it. I dunno…” Jay seemed a little uncomfortable with the question as he looked to his friend Omar for a rescue. Omar quickly chimed in, “well, they haven’t been boyfriends for very long… only a few months, right?”

It was Sunday Brunch at Papasito, a restaurant I discovered on the Upper West Side. Papasito does an all you can eat/drink brunch buffet featuring unlimited mimosa, Bellini, tequilla sunrise etc. and an endless supply of traditional Spanish food, an omlette station and the best french toast I’ve ever had… not weight loss friendly, but DELISH! Oh, and its only $20!

5 Gay men + 1 Plus Size Princess + Unlimited cocktails = lots of girl talk… or as we like to call it “gurl talk”.

Dean motioned for another round of drinks for the table, “but if they’re boyfriends, doesnt that mean they love each other?”

“Not necessarily,” Adam chimed in.

“I don’t make someone my boyfriend unless I love them,” Dean said. “I date them and once I know that I love them, we make it official… exclusive… or whatever.”

The table was quiet for a moment while everyone pondered that statement.

“I feel like, having a boyfriend means exclusivity more than anything else,” I said through bites of my juevos rancheros. “If I decide to date someone exclusively it’s because I like them the best out of everyone I’m seeing, so I want to devote 100% of my dating energy to figuring out if I could love them and see a future with them.”

“Right,” Adam continued, “you make someone your boyfriend and then hopefully you grow to love each other.”

“Interesting,” Dean said. “I didn’t know people did that.”

Once I got home and the alcohol wore off, Dean’s theory was still in the forefront of my mind. I’ve had girl friends who felt that after ___ months it was time to say “I love you”. I’ve always felt that love was something that grew with time, but based on what Dean was saying, every boyfriend he’s ever had has been a time he was in love.

Robert and I were such close friends when we started dating, that I already loved him. With Robert its been more about watching that love change/grow/evolve. But in general, I’m guarded and very slow to say “I love you” so the idea of having a boyfriend that I don’t love is fine with me.

I’m wondering if that’s not normal, though… do most girls automatically love their boyfriends?

Thoughts???

 

In Relationships: Does Closure Exist? (Exhibit B)

Lately I’ve been exploring the subject of closure. Everyone talks about closure; needing it, wanting it, looking for it, etc.

I don’t know how many times I’ve had a girl friend go to see an ex that “did her dirty” using the closure excuse. They all say the same thing, “I know I shouldn’t give him the time of day but– I really need closure.” I just always assumed that I was missing something because closure didn’t make sense to me, but when I tried to find closure with a guy from my past it was a HUGE disappointment.

In sharing that story last week, I said “…the truth may be that people hurt people… and then they move on! Maybe we should move on too.” One reader (@missmeandi) responded to that statement: As you said, people hurt people and then they move on. Sometimes, an apology is just an excuse for bad behavior that had no real meaning in the first place. I’d rather not be placated with an empty apology. In the end the why of a break-up isn’t even really important, once you’ve moved on. The way one handles the break-up is the only thing that matters. At least, that’s how I feel about it. (Now, my answer is completely different if the break-up DOESN’T REALLY HAPPEN but the couple kinda just stopped talking to one another. LOL Somebody got some ‘splaining’ to do!)

Oh @MissMeandi, I think you may have just called me out! As much as I try to analyze myself, I almost started to research if this was one of the topics of study in online psychology classes.There are two sides to every search for closure and a few months ago, I found someone looking for closure… from me. Let me explain:

Rewind to 2 years ago, I was in California for Christmas talking to Grant, who I affectionately referred to as my “gay husband”. The title was more than applicable in many ways. Grant took care of me during bad times, visited me at my thankless job with a funny joke or a soy-mocha, was my +1 for everything and I truly loved him. One year when all of my friends bailed on me during a move, I called Grant in tears and he left his summer class at Columbia to come and schlep boxes with me. He was the perfect boyfriend (except for the whole gay part). The only negative thing about my relationship with Grant was that we fought. Often.

Anyway, Grant had just returned from a summer abroad and for some reason things were tense between us. Grant was staying in my apartment for a few weeks while I was away and I felt like he was mad at me but I didn’t know why. Our communication styles were very different (one of us direct, the other passive aggressive) which caused a lot of confusion. That particular day, during that particular phone conversation we were both on edge. Things were said, words were misconstrued and while this had happened with us a thousand times before, on that day I decided I was done.

Although, Grant was easily one of the best friends I’d ever had, I didn’t think it was healthy to have someone in my life that made me so angry.

The only problem is, I never told Grant how I felt. I just cut him off.

Looking back, I think I just didn’t know how to “break up” with someone who I wasn’t actually dating. So I just stopped the routine of our friendship.

Overtime, we made our way back into each others lives on a “birthday’s and holidays” basis. I’d attend his birthday, he’d attend mine– we’d even meet for a quick drink now and again, but we never discussed how/why we “broke up”.

A few months ago, Grant decided to move to LA, he emailed me asking for, you guessed it… closure. We agreed to meet for breakfast and talk about that tense time and how it translated into the end of our friendship. We rehashed it all including that fateful phone call when I was in California. Grant looked at me and said, “I hung up that day and told myself I’d wait for you to call me back… and you never did.” My heart broke.

Hearing it from his perspective made me regret the way I handled things. I could have done things in a more caring way. I could have respected the history of what we had and what we’d been through. Although we both agreed that our friendship ended due to missteps and mis-communication on both parts, I feel like I was the “bad guy” because of how I chose to end things.

Since sitting down with Grant to give him closure, we’ve been in touch a lot more. He’s still one of the best people I know and I’m glad he’s in my life.

In this case, I feel like closure was achieved, but only because both of us were interested in finding it. A situation like this, from what I’ve observed is still pretty rare, which still leaves me wondering whether in romantic relationships closure is a viable option.

I’ll take one more look at closure next week… in the meantime, share your thoughts below! Have YOU ever been the one to give closure? Ever had an ex or friend where you BOTH needed closure?

In Relationships: Does Closure Exist? (Exhibit A)

As I pulled myself out of the pool, my heart skipped a beat.

Standing near the stairs, holding out a towel for me was Vin, a guy I dated heavily for a few months. “Towel?” he said extending his arm so that the towel was inches from my body. Although he was talking to me his eyes were planted firmly on my breasts in my bathing suit. I snatched the towel from his hands and quickly covered up. “You always were modest,” he said with a chuckle.

I said nothing. The anger I felt had me stunned silent.

“CeCe, it’s really good to see you, how have you been?”

“Fine.”

“Is it good to see me?” he teased.

“Not really,” I said eyeing the door to the ladies locker room.

“Ouch!” he laughed, clutching his heart.

I don’t want to get into the details of how things ended with Vin, but I will say that within a month of our breakup he was married to someone else and the only one who was surprised by that was me. Once I found out that Vin was married I deleted him from my life no facebook, email or phone numbers were kept. Although I was hurt and had many questions, I didn’t see the point in going down that road with a married man.

“Well, take care…” I said, sidestepping to get around him. Then I stopped myself. In a flash the idea of closure came to mind. I don’t know where it came from, but it seemed logical to take advantage of this moment and get answers to the questions I had about why this guy had hurt me/deceived me/made selfish choices. “Actually, wait– I have a question…”

I took a deep breath, “when we broke up you made me feel like everything was my fault, when the reality was that you were about to get married! Why did you do that?”

I was so proud of myself!  I had nailed Vin to the wall for the way he treated me and I couldn’t wait for him to feel the guilt of what he had done. I waited for him to squirm and apologize, maybe even ask for forgiveness. He looked at me for a while and then said, “CeCe, lets not dwell on the past. Life’s too short.”

And with a patronizing smile, he patted my arm. “It really is good to see you– you look good!” he said, and then he made his way to into the pool to swim laps.

That was it?!

I’ve heard so many people talk about needing closure, seeking out exes and past loves to get closure. Is this what they’re looking for?

Part of me understands the search for closure but a part of me is starting to think it doesn’t exist. People hurt us, and knowing why they did it wont help anything. Knowing that they feel awful wont lessen our pain. Even if Vin had confessed that he made a mistake by treating me the way he did– it really doesn’t matter. He’s married, I’m happily involved with someone else so apologies won’t change anything.

I’m starting to wonder if the search for closure has more to do with pride than anything else… we walk around wondering how could HE hurt ME like that? When the truth may be that people hurt people… and then they move on! Maybe we should move on too.

I’ve got two more “closure” experiences that I’ll write about in the next week or so but I’d love to hear your thoughts as I mull things over… Do YOU believe in closure?

Curvy Conversations: Getting Back at An Ex

Dear CeCe,

Hi, I am seventeen and a plus size princess. Recently I made a decision to lose my virginity to a boy who I wasn’t even dating but I was upset from a breakup and not really thinking. After we did the deed he said that after we hung out some more that maybe we could become more. I know this is backwards and not how things should go, but I wanted to be more with him even if it was backwards. We’ve texted some but it’s not really a conversation and we try to hang out. Recently though I saw a status online about how the girl he loves he’ll never get back and if she’s reading this he’s so sorry. I don’t know if I should keep wanting to hang out with him and trying to be more or if I should stop talking to him and move on. (If you can’t reply I understand :))
M
Hey M,
Thanks so much for writing to me, it seems like you’re going through a rough time. Something in your letter stuck out to me– it’s not necessarily what you were asking about, but I think its important to discuss.
In your letter you said that you gave up your virginity because you were “upset from a breakup and not really thinking.”
As women, sometimes when a man upsets us we decide to do outrageous things to punish them. We go out and get drunk… we hook up with a random guy… we pour our hearts out on facebook… all in the hopes that we can hurt him as much as he’s hurt us.
Guess what? It doesn’t work.
If a guy has gone as far as to hurt you, break up with you, or make you feel bad about yourself he’s already moved towards not caring about you. So you making a rash decision will only hurt one person– you.
Using your story, it sounds like your ex-boyfriend really broke your heart. So, you slept with another guy (lost your virginity to him and understandably got attached) but neither of these guys were as invested in your actions as you were. Guy #1 probably isn’t in a corner crying because you slept with guy #2 and guy #2’s heart seems to belong to someone else. Instead of feeling better, it seems to me that you feel worse and all because you let the way a guy treated you dictate your actions.
You’re not the only girl who has ever done this, I know I’ve done this plenty of times. But every single time, the pain I intended for someone else ended up in my own heart.
Should you move on from the guy who you slept with? Probably… but the bigger lesson is to value yourself, your body and as painful as it is when a guy hurts you, remember that it’s better to sit with that pain (and that pain will subside) than to try to do something crazy to get back at him. It NEVER works and you only end up feeling worse.
Any one else have advice for our little PSP?
xoxo,
CeCe
CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Can You Really Find Love in a Bar or Club?

Ever notice how songs always promote the same story?

“I spotted you from across the bar… took your hand and led you to the dance floor … and as we danced we fell in love.”

I’ve been getting a lot of emails asking me about the BBW Club scene in New York City and before I tell people where they can go, I always feel the need to tell them not to expect anything. Maybe I’m trying to save them from the rude awakening I had….

Moving to NYC, where the night life is pretty major, I could not wait to start going to clubs so that I could fall in love. When my friends and I scored fake ID’s I knew that it would be a matter of time until I found love in the club. (Gosh, I was so naive!)

After a few weekends partying with the 21+ crowds in Manhattan, reality hit as I watched my skinny girl friends get picked up over and over by different guys while I stood awkwardly watching and trying not to feel uncomfortable. I was so jealous when guys would ask for their numbers. In my mind, they were living the music video dream! Meeting guys in clubs and bars…

I can remember going with Kenzie to a country bar where the girls were encouraged to dance on the bar for free shots. Kenzie and I were moving our hips to “you can leave your hat on” when a gorgeous blue-eyed, curly haired man raised his glass to me from down on the floor. When I jumped down and took my shot, he bought me a drink. Then we danced to country songs and I let him kiss me in the middle of the dance floor. Soon we weren’t even dancing… we were just making out in the middle of the dance floor. “You’re so beautiful”, “I’m so glad I met you,” he would whisper in between kisses. He asked for my number and I stared at my phone for weeks waiting for Heath (that was his name) to call, but he never did.

Two months later, Kenzie and I went back and Heath was there, he barely remembered me and I felt like an idiot.

Fast forward to my time at the BBW clubs. Once I started hitting up the places where my size didn’t matter, I was sure that I would start living my own music video dream. Guys would spot me from across the room… pull me onto the dance floor… I would start to think “this is it”… I would feel the guys warm breath on my neck as he held me close. I would wonder if this would be the moment we would start to feel something for each other, but the only thing I would “feel” would be in the guys pants. Awkward!

The guys who did ask for my number rarely wanted anything more than to “come to my apartment and hang out”. Or to text me randomly at 2am. The guys I met in the club weren’t looking for love, they were looking to fulfill their lust.

Eventually I grew up a little, I stopped looking at bars and clubs as a place to meet men and started seeing them as a place to let loose and have fun. I have a few friends that met their boyfriends/husbands in bars, but from what I can see those girls are the exception, not the rule.

All of the substantial men I’ve dated have been from the internet, at work or through friends… not at clubs. But that’s me!

Have YOU ever found love in the club?

Tales of a Plus Size Bridesmaid: My Best Friend’s Wedding

A girlfriend of mine warned me that there’s something magical about weddings. She gave me a heads up that weddings create a very romantic mood.

I had no idea what she was talking about… Until my best friend married his boyfriend. Watching two people commit to each other is so powerful that that love and romance behind it is almost contagious.

I was honored to stand next to Adam, a boy I had grown up with, as his Best Girl. I surprised myself by crying through the entire ceremony but it was such a moving event, I couldn’t help it!

After a pow-wow with the wedding party in the pastors office (with more tears of joy and the signing of the marriage certificate) we made our way into the churches garden where the reception was being held. I couldn’t stop smiling while watching Adams family and friends applaud him and his new husband. Amid the sea of happy faces, my eyes met Roberts, he smiled and opened his arms as I walked towards him.

“You look so pretty,” he said, kissing me on the cheek.

Immediately all of the doubt and anxiety I had about inviting him to the wedding melted away. I was glad he was there. Maybe it was the magic of the wedding, but I could feel happiness radiating from my body.

Over the course of the night my friends pulled me to the side with comments like, “you guys are sooo cute together, oh my God!” and “CeCe, you’re next!” I laughed them off and just kept dancing.

At one point Robert and I struck up a conversation with one of the wedding guests. A young guy who didn’t seem to be there with anyone. We’d all had a few drinks, but I was still surprised when the random guest looked at us and said “so, are you two… together?”

I paused.

“Yeah– we are,” Robert said without hesitation. Then he gave my hand a little squeeze.

I casually took a sip of champagne to toast the moment (and hide the smile that was spreading across my face). There’s something about hearing a guy tell another guy that you’re with him. It just feels good.

The random guest raised his glass, “good for you man… she’s a beautiful girl.” (I didn’t know who this guy was, but I really liked him.)

Later, when I saw some of the photos of us on facebook I could see it– we were both grinning, laughing, dancing, cuddling each other, holding hands and you could see the happiness that I was feeling that night in each photo. It was radiating from both of us.

Maybe that’s the magic of weddings!

Curvy Conversations: A Plus Size Princess in Love!

I’ve been having a rough couple of months.

As most of you know, I date a lot but I rarely date one person for an extended period of time like I’m doing with Robert. Things with Robert are a work in progress and while its not horrible, I wouldn’t say I’m anywhere near my “happy ending”. I think what I’m feeling is pretty normal since you all let me know that dating/relationships are hard work, but these emotions are brand new for me.

Because of these new emotions, I’ve been doubting myself. I’m usually pretty solid on how I feel about dating and have no problem sharing my thoughts in the Curvy Conversations section of TBGB but right now I’m struggling to navigate through my own dating situation. Because of this, I’ve been wondering if maybe I should wait until I’ve figured things out with Robert before I share my thoughts with you guys.

During this low period, I’ve had a few emails come in from girls asking for dating advice. I love emailing with PSP’s but I just wasn’t in a good place to answer these emails. I felt awful about it, but every time I tried to reply to emails nothing came out right.

Last week I got an email from Diane, a PSP who had written to me before. Here is what she said:

Hey CeCe!

About a year ago I wrote in asking what you thought about friends with benefits situations. I ended up taking your advice and asking whether a friend wanted to date officially. As I wrote before, he said yes and we began a relationship!

I wanted to give you an update: Yesterday, we celebrated our one year anniversary and have been living together for about a month now. Our relationship has been comfortable and trusting from the start because we began as close friends. We are still very happy and both very glad that I took your advice and made the move on him. Thanks again for being available to all us plus size gals for wonderful insight!
With his permission, I am attaching a picture of us. Thanks again, CeCe. I’ll keep reading as long as you keep writing!
– Diane

Wow Diane,

Thank YOU for the update. First of all, you look so happy! Secondly, I’m a sucker for guys with glasses so hooray for you!!

Your letter gave me a bit of my confidence back and reminded me what Curvy Conversations on TBGB are all about. *sigh* None of us have all the answers, all the time. Sometimes TBGB readers reach out to me for advice and sometimes I reach out to you guys! Hopefully we can all continue to help each other and support each other as we work towards living life to the fullest as Plus Size Princesses.

A year ago I was able to help you and today you’ve returned the favor… your email couldn’t have come at a better time.

All the best to you and your boy, keep me updated! 😉

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

P.S. I will be responding to all emails this week. Thanks for your patience!

I Haven’t Changed

This weekend I had an epiphany: I am no different now than I was before I started dating Robert.

Being with Robert is so much fun, I find that even strangers enjoy us as a couple and its an incredible feeling. It’s also a feeling I’ve been waiting for since I was a little Plus Size Princess trying to find her way with boys.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been obsessing over having a boyfriend. I have old diaries filled with pages of me longing for a boyfriend. I’ve imagined how every birthday, holiday and special occasion would have been sooo much better if I had someone to share it with. I’ve also been super hard on myself, making a list of a million things that I needed to do or change so that I could get a boyfriend.

I can honestly say that between then and now I’m not prettier, smarter, cooler, or funnier (and I’m definitely not skinner) but I have him.

The truth is, I’m as much of a mess as I always was. I still struggle with things and work hard for things. I still have triumphs, successes and/or failures and the list of things I need to do or change gets longer every day! When it comes to my life, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I have a long way to go and having a boyfriend won’t change any of that.

I used to think a boyfriend would validate me, but Robert doesn’t make me prettier, smarter, cooler or funnier.

Sometimes we have to wait for someone who “gets us”, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with who we are. A diamond is beautiful and precious long before someone discovers it. Which means there’s a good chance I’ve been this pretty, smart, cool and funny all along.

Happy Valentines Day!

Curvy Conversations: My Skinny Boyfriend and Those Three Little Words

My very skinny live-in boyfriend loves “large women” with “meat on their bones”. He makes “hubba hubba” noises as he’s grabbing the flab on the back of my arms or kneading my belly dough. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my image issues and how his compliments manage to make me feel exactly like shit when he’s obviously not trying to be rude. The trouble is that I love to cook and adore good food. As a PSP, I tend to joke about my weight, claiming that I didn’t get this figure by looking at the pictures in the cooking magazines. My suburb can support a few chain restaurants, but there’s not much demand for anything too exotic. I was very happy to have found a French restaurant featuring daily lunch specials of simply grilled fish, chicken braised in wine, and pan roasted salmon filets – interesting but healthy options without the temptation of hollandaise, Mornay, bechamel, and Bernaise. I have been really depressed that I haven’t lost much weight despite an increase in activity and decrease in calories, so it was nice to look forward to something. As I’m chattering away and making plans for brunch and some shopping, he leans over me, kisses me on the back of the neck, and whispers those three little words in my ear.
Remember your diet.

I couldn’t have been more surprised than if he’d thrown a bucket of cold water in my face. As if I don’t struggle to make sensible and healthy choices every waking moment of every single day. He has no idea what it’s like to have just eaten and to start thinking about the next meal, or to be stuffed but still wonder if there is anything interesting on the dessert menu. He has no idea how hard it is to reach for steamed vegetables while he’s having another serving of mashed potatoes and gravy. He doesn’t help me remember my diet when he asks me to make French toast and sausage every weekend, or requests his burritos fried in butter. When he doesn’t want “a heavy dinner” of chicken, rice, and vegetables he eats an entire bag of potato chips, beef jerky, and a box of hot tamales in front of the TV. He can’t watch a movie without a tub of popcorn in his lap, preferably not that “low fat stuff that tastes like cardboard.” It’s odd of him to remember my diet when he ate three enormous helpings of tortellini Alfredo with ham at the pot luck last night.


I’m not sure why I’m writing other than my feelings were really hurt, and I was hoping for some sympathy from my fellow PSP.

Hello Lovely,

Three helpings of Tortellini Alfredo and Ham… Oh My! I do sympathize with you! I know first hand what its like to struggle with the effects of every bite while everyone else shovels food in their mouths and somehow manages to stay slim. But lets look at things from a different angle for a moment… maybe if we turn the tables we’ll be able to see things with fresh eyes:


Lets pretend that your boyfriend was balding. He had a receding hairline when you met him and it never bothered you. Actually, you find the “Mr. Clean” look to be very sexy and maybe you’ve even suggested that he shave it all off. But he refuses and instead continues to come up with inventive hairstyles to cover up what genetics are doing to him. One day you’re flipping through a magazine and you run across an advertisement for a hair restoration program. You rip it out of the paper and casually leave it on the kitchen counter with the mail in case he wants to check it out. Does this mean that your view and preference for his bald head has changed? No. Does it mean that you think he needs hair restoration? No. Does it mean you saw something that might make him happy and wanted to share it? Probably.


When we love someone, we often take up causes that aren’t necessarily our own. To me, “remember your diet” sounds like a boyfriend trying to show his support for his girlfriends cause. Its not a warning, or a scolding because he obviously adores you and your body, even to the point of annoyance (i.e.”hubba hubba”). But he’s realizing that weight loss is important to you and so, he’s making it important to him.


Anyone who gets involved with a PSP develops a relationship with her weight as well. I’ve had people who liked me except for my weight… in spite of my weight… because of my weight and all of these people had different reactions whenever I’d express a desire to change my body.


I could be wrong, but it sounds like your boyfriend just wants you to be happy… whatever that looks like.

xoxo,
CeCe

Send your letters to nycece@gmail.com

There’s Nothing Like Moving To Remind a Girl She’s Single

After two years in my current apartment, I decided it was time to move.
For my move, I enlisted the help of my Adam (my BFF), Colin (Adam’s BF), Jake (a close acquaintance), Jeremy (no intro needed) and I asked my friend Zora to come watch the truck. Four guys and two girls should be more than enough to easily pack up a truck and move me across Manhattan, right?
Right.
  • Thursday I get a text from Colin saying that he misread his schedule and doesn’t have the day off of work after all. Although it seemed a little odd that Colin couldn’t read his schedule properly, I wasn’t too surprised because the last time I had to move to a new apartment, Adam and Colin cancelled at the last minute because they “forgot they had to work”.
  • 8:20 am the day of the move I get a text message from Adam, who plays the piano: So, last night I got a call for a gig and I want to do it. are we still meeting 9? Because I need to leave at 10:30…. I totally understand and support Adam seizing an opportunity to make some extra money, but Adam and I had been together the night before until 2am, painting my new apartment. Why didn’t he say something then? Instead he waits until the last minute leaving me little chance of finding a replacement. 
  • 9:10 am I get a text from Jake: I’m on my way
  • 9:15 Jeremy shows up and lets me know that he too has to leave early.
  • 10:00 am I get another text from Jake: Sorry something came up, I’m in the Bronx….
  • 12:30 pm The truck is packed but Jeremy has to leave, he promises to return by 2:30
  • 1:00 pm Zora consoles me as I try not to have a breakdown
  • 1:15 pm Zora and I park the truck and grab a quick lunch
  • 2:00 pm Zora and I get to my new apartment and begin unpacking the truck as best we can
  • 3:00 pm Jeremy comes back, carries full dressers up the stairs on his own, I remind myself that I am not in love with him.
The whole experience made me feel incredibly… single. To have five friends agree to help me, and to end up with a truck full of things and only one other person was awful. Then to make matters worse, as I was hauling boxes up my steps, this song popped into my head:
[youtube=http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbbPl-7Ed6U]
A girlfriend of mine recently moved into a new apartment with the help of one boy (her boyfriend) and one supportive female friend. I on the other hand had to ask five boys to help me just so that one would show up. 
I have supportive female friends galore, but where is my one boy?