Tag Archives: Dating

The ONE Time I Decided to Settle… a Cautionary Tale | Plus Size Dating | Relationships

A few weeks ago I posted an email on my instagram from a guy I used to date.

I was trying to see if you are free. Nowadays you look HOT. Do you want to hang out tomorrow?

Plus Size Dating Low Self Esteem

Wait– did this guy really say “nowadays”??

I swear to you, if I could erase one guy from my dating history it would be Elliott.

I dated Elliott when I was in a very bad place regarding my body image and self esteem. For a few months I convinced myself that maybe as a fat girl I should just “take what I could get” dating-wise. Elliott is what happened to me when I subscribed to that thinking. He was rude, had an awkward kissing style personality and said hurtful things to me constantly.

Like the time he whispered “You know, if you lost weight you’d be REALLY hot” right before he tried to stab me in the mouth with his pointy tongue…

*blank stare*

I went on four painful dates with Elliott until the day I decided that if he was the best I could get, I’d rather be alone.

Unfortunately, my biggest dating mistake is like a cockroach that won’t die. Although I dated him years ago, Elliott reaches out to me every 4-6 months to see “what’s up”. I’ve done everything I could to block him from my life, including lying and telling him that I was engaged and moving out of the country, which seemed to have worked until… he discovered my blog (thanks, internet!).

Hearing from Elliott last month reminded me of what the universe handed me when I decided I would take anything.

#NoThankYou

Its Valentines week and whether we have a boyfriend, a girlfriend or we’re flying solo, this is a good time for us to start thinking about the love we have for ourselves and how that affects our relationships.

Do me a favor: take a moment and think about your worst dating situation… how did you feel about yourself when that relationship came to be?

When I’m in a good place, I attract good people… when I’m in a bad place? I get the “nowadays” dude who couldn’t even kiss me properly. Looking back, I can trace my dating steps and see that as I went back to loving myself and embracing my value as a person (at any size) the quality of guys that I dated began to improve again. It wasn’t immediate… there was a lot of “single CeCe” time in there too, but as I’ve said before the single time made me into the independent girl that Robert loves.

Have you ever dated someone who was just whack? Do you think it was connected to how you felt about yourself at the time?

p.s. my favorite valentines post is called “I Haven’t Changed” if you/you’re girlfriends are feeling frustrated this Vday, you might want to check that post out too

p.p.s. Don’t forget I’m hosting an event this Saturday, hope to see you there… you can register here

Valentines Gifts Under $20… for your Friends, your Boo (or You!)

You guys are going to think I’m crazy, but when I figured out that Valentines Day falls on 1.) a Friday 2.) a long weekend and 3.) Pay Day… I got so excited *throws heart shaped glitter in the air*

I think its important to celebrate the people you love (romantic or not). Friday I’ll be with Robert, Saturday I’ll be at the Curvy Yoga Party and Sunday I’m hanging out with my close friends. I think that covers romantic love, loving me and the love I have for my friends/family. I’ve also come up with some cute gift ideas for the weekend.

Here are some ways that I’m celebrating Valentines Day on a budget… I’ve got “I love you” gift ideas for my boo, gift ideas for myself and a fun idea for my friends:

To say “I love you” to myself, I scooped up this sterling silver “LOVE” ring from Amazon for $12. I ordered the ring in a size 10 and it fits. I’ve been wearing the ring in some of my YouTube videos, so you can take a look at it there.

Love Ring Plus Size 10 Fingers

I’m not sure if my $12 soy massage candles qualify as another gift for me, a gift for my boo… or both. Soy massage candles smell delish and burn at a comfortable heat that allows the wax to be used as a skin softening massage oil. You can burn them while you take a bath and then use them when you get out to moisturize. Or you can use them as a massage oil for your valentine, its up to you! *wiggles eyebrows*

Massage Candle

At $24.95, a PantyGram is a *slightly* over $20 but with code “save5now” you can get $5 off, bringing it back into budget! I like this idea because its kind of fun and daring. Ordering a PantyGram means your Valentine will get a black envelope with a pair of red heart-shaped chonies inside. The panties are for setting the tone for your evening, so they’re “one size fits all” and you can customize a flirty little note to go with them when you send them.

pantygram

On Sunday, I’m going to have Alex, Cody and some of my other close friends over to my apartment for brunch and cocktails because I love them! I’ve got some fun vodka recipes on deck, but I’ll also have red wine on hand because you can’t have a Vday party without it! Its too cold to carry a bunch of bottles home in the snow, so I’ll be taking advantage of Amazons 1Cent shipping. One bottle is $18!

Wine

Happy Valentines Day!!

Dear CeCe: Should I Let my Boyfriend Sleep With Someone Else?

Hi CeCe!

I’m in a loving relationship with my man for about 4 years now. But now and then, we get a little bored so we’ve decided to do a controlled “experiment.” He and I can both sleep with one person off Tinder (the dating app!) with the caveat that we need to sign off on each other’s person. 

Tinder is interesting actually. Have you ever tried the app? What do you think? Is this a recipe for disaster? I already feel a little guilty when I attempt to contact men off Tinder.  

-Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Here are some things to ask yourself:

1.) Should I look for excitement inside of my relationship or outside of it?

2.) What if I don’t like this “experiment” and my boyfriend loves it?

3.) Why am I trying to save my relationship by doing things that make me feel guilty?

4.) Am I happy? Am I fulfilled? Is this the relationship for me?

5.) Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t mind me sleeping with someone else?

I’ve elaborated a bit more in this video response, I hope its helpful to you!

Side Note– for single girls looking for new dating apps to try: Yes, I have heard good things about Tinder and the other swipe-quickly app, TryHotorNot which is a new take on the old time-killing site that people were obsessed with a few years back. Robert would kill me if I signed up, so if you’re on either of these new sites let me know how it goes for you 😉

…thoughts? What advice do you have for our girl?

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

curvy convo cece olisa cheating

Getting Out of Our Comfort Zones | Thank You

Can we talk a little bit about comfort zones today?

On the way home last night, I began thinking about what it takes to get out of your comfort zone. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ve seen me push myself out of my comfort zone a few times.

1.) Starting this blog and putting all of my insecurities on the table. Being plus size in NYC can be frustrating and painful. But this site gave me a safe space to talk about plus size night clubs, my thighs rubbing together and online dating horror stories with people who “get it”.

2.) When I finally took the plunge and asked Robert if he liked me. I know some of you were like “FINALLY!” when that happened *blush*

3.) When I stopped being anonymous and started sharing my plus size fashion photos/videos on the blog. I know that seems like an easy task, but being anonymous was a very safe space for me and I had to learn how to continue to be vulnerable with you guys once my photo was attached.

4.) When I lost 55 pounds and started our #PSPfit virtual clean eating/fitness boot camps

None of the moments were easy for me, in fact I spent lots of time with that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. But, I swear I’ve never regretted pushing past my comfort zone. Even if things didn’t go my way, pushing past my comfort zone gives me clarity and/or closure on things in my life so that I can keep holding on or let them go as needed.

As I grow up, I can look back and see that many of the things I hold dear today are because somewhere along the line I took a chance. Even in something as simple as yesterdays post, many of the comments were about the “side plank” photo I used at the end– if I had stayed comfortably anonymous, that part of the post would have never happened.

I know for a fact that life and growth sits just beyond my comfort zone and doing the things that scare me are what propels me forward. The tricky part is getting over the discomfort and taking those leaps. I know its a little late for new years resolutions, but I wonder if I need to put “Get Out of Your Comfort Zone” at the top of my to-do list. I’m sure there are many moments big and small that I let pass me by because I’m uncomfortable… thoughts?

Have you had a chance to push past your comfort zone? or are you considering pushing past it?

P.S. I am so grateful to everyone who tweeted and shared my plus size yoga story… because of you the post was picked up by the Huffington Post, BlogHer and Refinery29… THANK YOU!! xoxo

wherethemagichappens

“What Does Your Boyfriend Look Like?” | Plus Size Dating

There I sat in my living room, gushing about Kevin to my room mate Jose. Jose and I weren’t that close, but was on a high from a whirlwind Christmas Vacation where I found out that my middle school crush liked me back in the day… and still did! (To read the Kevin chronicles, click here) Basically, I was ready to talk about Kevin to anyone who would listen…

“So, what does Kevin look like?” Jose asked as he scrolled through the Grindr app on his phone.

“Um… he’s cute. He’s just really sweet and super smart, he actu–”

“Do you have a picture of him?” Jose said, squinting and cocking his head to the side.

Eager to keep talking about Kevin, I scrolled through my phone and pulled up a photo of Kevin and I from our last night together. “Wow, he’s really cute,” Jose said, then he looked at me “Hmm” he grunted to himself, “well good for you”.

There are a few things I hear all the time as a Plus Size Princess who dates one of them is the constant request for pictures of him. Fast forward to now, I’m dating Robert and the photo requests have not stopped.

I’ve even shown people a photo of Robert by himself only to be asked for a photo of us together…Do they they think I’m doing some sort of relationship catfish trick and lying about having a boyfriend?

Maybe they just want to size up what type of guy I’m pulling… I don’t really understand it, but I don’t notice my skinny friends being asked to show pictures of their boyfriends/girlfriends all the time.

Do any of you get asked to show pictures of your significant others? Does it make you feel awkward?

p.s. I’m collaborating on a #BigGirlLoveStories YouTube series with the fabulous Amanda Allison where we talk about dating as a big girl. We cover lots of topics including, BBW dating sites and dating “skinny” or “hot” guys:

What Dies Your Bf Look Like Plus Size Dating CeCe Olisa

My Online Dating Mistakes… (Video)

When I first started online dating I made so many rookie mistakes. I chose the wrong site, put up the wrong pics and said the wrong things. If you’re trying to get boo’d up in 2014 and online dating is part of your plan, these are the things not to do! Feel free to share your online dating mis-steps below… each one, teach one!

The Tumbnail on this video looks wonky but the video works, press play!

Mistake #1 I paid for online dating sites – in the end I had the most fun meeting guys on free sites. I was able to cast a wide net and I didn’t see every connection as something I had paid for which made things feel a bit more organic.

Mistake #2 I only put up one perfectly cropped, high angle, boobs and face only picture – Once I learned to put multiple pictures on my profile, the guys I met in person were never surprised by my size. This made my in person dates much more relaxed. We are the size we are… the guys who skip us because they see our full body pics aren’t the guys who we need to be dating anyway… Don’t forget, guys do photo trickery too… remember the guy who had no teeth? Well, his photos hid that very well!

Mistake #3 I was so confused by the online dating “lingo” and I said things on my profile that made me seem… um… fast – When my profile made it seem like I only wanted to hook up, guys definitely treated me that way. Oops!

What online dating mistakes have you made?

I’ve Lost Weight and Still Feel Like a “Big Girl” (Curvy Convo)

Hey CeCe,

I’ve been reading your blog for quite awhile now. I recently made a decision to lose weight earlier this year. I did a complete diet change, and I have been working out constantly. As of now I have lost over a total of 60lbs.

I am fine with not being skinny. I am more concerned about being healthy. My problem is, I can’t adapt to the “new me.” I guess I shouldn’t say new me because I’ve always been the same person.  Family and Friends constantly compliment me over this major transformation.
Of course, I say thank you and tell them what I’ve been doing to lose the weight. However, In my mind I’m still that “big girl”. I can’t seem to shake her out my life. She’s like a shadow I can’t hide from. I can shop at new places, and my body is more womanly than ever.
How do I learn to let her go? What makes it so hard to say goodbye to the old you?
 
Signed- CL
Hi CL,
I know there are some girls reading this who have lost significant amounts of weight… I’m really hoping they’ll leave comments for you down below because they probably have some great advice for us.
You and I have been emailing a bit over the past week, thanks so much for being patient while I  learned how to work my camera and filmed a video response for you… The video is blurry (augh!) but I’m still learning…so, here you go!

From the emails you’ve sent, you seem like a cool and confident girl. Please remember that you haven’t changed and from one size to the next, who you are wont change. We often ask people to look past appearances and see the person inside… I think we have to remember to do the same for ourselves.
Like I said in the video, treating our former/heavier self like a horrible person discounts all of the amazing things we’ve accomplished at a larger size. Life doesn’t begin when we lose weight, so we have to remember to honor all the different stages of our lives that help us to become who we are.
You’re a valuable person at your current size and you were a valuable person 60 pounds ago.
Hope that helps (…anyone else have thoughts for CL?)
xoxo,
CeCe
CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Confidence Is… Complicated: Public Displays of Affection

Friday night, Robert and I were out having drinks with our co-workers after our company holiday party.

I pulled away from the crowd for a few minutes to check my phone. I guess I got lost on twitter or something, because after about 10 minutes I heard Robert calling me from across the bar.

I looked up and he waved me over to where he was sitting on a bar stool. I put my phone away and walked over to where he and a few others were listening to someone from our legal team telling a story about a deal he just closed.

“What’s up, honey?” I whispered.

“Nothing, you were just over there for a while…” he said, touching my hair.

Although we spent the night socializing separately, we had some sort of physical contact anytime we were within arms reach of each other. Me touching his arm or him kissing me as he walked by.

I’m big on PDA (hand holding and a quick kiss here and there works for me, nothing too crazy, I promise!). When we first started dating Robert was not very touchy-feely and it bothered me. Other guys I’d dated had reeled with the perfect PDA (remember Adrian?) so I had to have an awkward conversation with Robert where I told him that our lack of PDA sometimes made me feel disconnected and unwanted. He had never dated someone who saw physical touch as an important relation element outside of the bedroom, so for him this was new but he makes adjustments and that makes me feel better.

At first, I just thought that physical affection was my Love Language but the more I think about it. I’m pretty sure, its also a confidence thing for me too.

Dating as a Plus Size Princess, I always hear the stories about guys who are afraid to be with big girls in public. I think somewhere along the line, PDA became the way I gained confidence that a man wasn’t ashamed of our relationship. Meaning, if he’ll hug/kiss/hold my hand in public then he’s fine with people knowing he’s with me.

If I’m honest with myself 80% of my need for PDA is just how I am… but 20% of it is because I’m a big girl who needs reassurance.

I know for a fact that Robert is happy for people to know we’re together and we’re definitely not a secret at work. But the feeling I got when he initiated PDA in front of our coworkers, was a mix of love, happiness… and validation.

As I work on my own confidence levels, I try to take stock of what confidence boosters are coming from within and which ones are external. PDA is definitely an external confidence booster for me.

How does PDA make YOU feel?

Dating Pet Peeve: Guys Who Can’t Make Decisions

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Since iPhones archive everything, its easy to scroll through my texts and see what guys I was talking to at different points in my dating life. I did a search for “thanksgiving” in my texts and came across this conversation that illustrates something guys do that drives me nuts: Forcing me to make alllllll the decisions.

I understand that no one wants to date the “she’ll have the steak” type of guy, but there’s got to be a happy medium between overbearing and no effort at all.

The texts in white are him, the texts in green are me, this is our first conversation after I gave him my number:

photo 1 crop

 

Alright, mister I’m giving you major points for trying to arrange a date during our first text conversation, because dudes out here love to text “good morning”, “wyd”, and “happy thanksgiving” for months without setting up an actual date. But why ask me when I’m free if you already know you’re only available on Tuesdays and Wednesdays?

A simple “Hey, CeCe are you free on Tuesday or Wednesday? Maybe we can grab a drink…” would have been perfect. But you’re trying, so I’ll meet you halfway:

photo 2a crop

 

Hmmm as a girl, “what would you like to do?” is such a hard question to answer. I never want to choose a dating activity that’s out of your price range. I mean, my favorite first dates have always been activities (i.e. bowling, arcades, scavenger hunts), but for some guys that’s too much. Again, why not throw out some ideas and let me choose my favorite instead of making me come up with everything.

Side note: what’s with all the commas “,,,,,,,” from this guy?

photo 2b crop

 

Sir, do you realize that I have planned this entire first date so far? I’ve set the day, the activity and now the time. But before I get myself worked up, let me just be honest with you, you’re not a mind reader. So maybe I should just tell you that I’d like you participate in the decision making, duh…

photo 2c crop

*Drops phone and slides to the floor*

photo 3 crop

I’m going to make this hard? Okay…

Have you ever had a guy plan a date for the two of you where every detail was taken care of? I have and its such an awesome feeling to know that he took the time to think through a fun night for both of us… even if the date isn’t perfect, that type of investment and planning speaks volumes!

Am I asking for cinderella treatment from day one? No… I have no problem making decisions together– but when a guy can’t seem to make any decisions at all it comes off as kind of, I dunno… lazy.

What do you think? How do you deal with guys that refuse to make decisions?

***Due to a site glitch, some of your comments were deleted, I’m copy/pasting them below, you can add additional comments in the comment box***

  • AroundHarlem

    my only response would have been any thing but sea food. You pick the time and place. I don’t pay for first dates so I don’t plan them.

  • Avatar
    doofla

    oh man, my boyfriend still does this! I try to give him a break because it really is just part of his easy-going personality, but he knows when I say “I WANT YOU TO PLAN THIS TIME” he actually has to plan it instead of being “nice” by asking a million times what I want to do. I might’ve had to send him the link to the wikipedia “decision fatigue” entry a few times before he got it though. 🙂

  • Avatar
    Lona nods

    i had an ex that did this and it was aggravating and exhausting. what was even more aggravating was to get to a resturant and he not eat anything because he didn’t like that particular cuisine. it was like that with movies and anything else that happened outside of the house. glad he’s an ex.

  • Avatar
    nicthommi

    One nice thing though is their failure to make a decision makes it easy for you to make a decision…
    to not speak with this person ever again. That guy was just demonstrating that he was not boyfriend material and never would be .
    Also do not know what is up with people that try to send random texts or even have multiple conversations without making a plan to meet. If you aren’t asking me out the first time (or second, depending on whether we met in real life on online) I hear your voice, we aren’t going to speak again. It’s pretty simple.

  • Avatar
    Curvily NYC

    When I was dating, I was happy to give suggestions if they had something in mind, but I was not trying to plan the entire first date. So annoying!

  • Avatar
    AroundHarlem

    I’m a big believer of how a relationship starts is how it will be so if you start a relationship with someone who can’t be responsible for decisions, all future decisions will fall on you as well.

  • Avatar
    BlueIris

    This happens to me all the time and it’s so incredibly annoying. To me, it doesn’t just seem lazy, but it also seems like he doesn’t care about the date at all. I feel like I’m forcing him into going out with me.

  • Avatar
    Sonya Mann

    this would annoy the heck out of me =P

Dating Big Men… Thoughts??? (Part One)

“You’re such a cute little thing,” James said, as he draped his arms around me in line at the movies.

A week later we were walking across 23rd street holding hands. When we stopped at a red light, he tugged me until I was nestled against his side, his hand wrapped tightly around my waist he leaned down and kissed me behind the ear. “You’re a sexy little thing, aren’t you?”

Dating James was the first time in life I’d ever been called “little”. I’m a 5’10 Plus Size Princess who weighs *mumbles* pounds and I’ve been this way since I was 12, so when James would constantly refer to me as little, I thought he being sarcastic or making a joke about me. But then I realized, I was dating a semi-professional football player who was 6’3 and 345 pounds. I’d dated tall/skinny guys before, but James was larger than me in every way and when he pulled me close I did feel somewhat small… tiny, even!

…and I loved every minute of it!

Unfortunately James didn’t have his life together, so he never seemed worth blogging about, until last night when I started thinking about the ongoing conversation that happens every time a Plus Size Princess says that she prefers a certain “type” of man.

I’ve mentioned here that I usually date guys with a basketball or baseball players build. I’ve written posts about dating a big man and feeling guilty because I wasn’t attracted to him. I often get comments/emails/tweets from people chastising me for not dating big men, so I thought I’d open up the conversation here… feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, I’ll share a few of mine:

1.) I’m always fascinated when PSP’s are forced to justify who they are attracted to. It just perpetuates the myth that +size women don’t “deserve” to be with certain types of people. (see: “Superficial Fat Chicks & Other Myths” for my detailed thoughts on this).

2.) The simple fact is, I date who approaches me– and big men rarely approach me. Most of the time, its big men who aren’t checking for a Plus Size Princess, but for some reason that seems to be okay with everyone. Just wondering: why aren’t male dating preferences scrutinized as women’s?

3.) Thinking back on my time dating James, I actually was a hypocrite. I was a hypocrite because I knew on our first date that I wasn’t interested in him, but I kept dating him for three weeks. I continued dating James because he was a big handsome man and he made me feel tiny. Dating a huge buff man made me feel like I had lost 75 pounds over night. I liked the way I felt standing next to him (and I’m not going to lie, I liked that he called me “little”). How could I write posts complaining about men who only date me for my size… and then date a man only for his size. I was being selfish and heading down the road to fetish-town which was not cool at all.

I’m going to stop there and revisit this topic in another post after hearing what you guys think.

Dating Big Men… Thoughts???