Tag Archives: Dating

No, My Boyfriend Isn’t “Settling” For A Plus-Size Girl

So, my boyfriend is skinny and I’m definitely not. But, one of the hardest things about being in a “mixed weight” relationship is other people and their opinions (and projections). While I don’t often hear comments about my weight when I’m alone, I do get a very strong message about my weight in the context of my dating life. The message comes in many forms, but it’s always the same: “You do not deserve to be with him.”

Sometimes, the message is delivered via a flirty waitress at a restaurant who smiles at him while scribbling my order — it’s straight out of a movie. Other times, the message comes from a smiling face that says, “You’re a VERY lucky girl…” Is that a backhanded compliment?

Before I met him, people warned me — both implicitly and outright — that because I opted to only date the men I found attractive (novel idea, right?), that I was a “superficial fat chick.” They said if a guy was attracted to me, I should be grateful! But, I didn’t listen. I kept my standards high started dating a Dwyane Wade look-a-like.

No, My Boyfriend Isn't Settling For A Plus-Size Girl

Body politics and dating are very tricky because people have opinions on who should be dating whom, but most of these opinions are often built on myths and judgments they subscribe to — even though they’d be too embarrassed to say them out loud. One myth is that only thin people are attractive. For some people, “fat” is synonymous with “ugly,” — I’ve been called “fatandugly” before, almost as if it was one word.

Another one? That a woman must be smaller than the man she’s with. If he’s dating a big girl, he’s settling. Why don’t we ever give big men a hard time for dating slender women? Or vice-versa? What if he’s head-over-heels attracted to her? What if their emotional connection and understanding of each other is breathtaking? Should he pass that all up because she’s fat?

These crazy myths will have us thinking we don’t “match” with certain people even if they’re interested in us — what does that even mean? As a big girl, I work so hard to manage my body image issues and I work even harder not to let those issues ruin my relationships. 

I’ve seen too many of my Plus-Size Princesses convince themselves that they’re not worthy of certain types of guys, when that’s just not true. I don’t care what you look like, if Channing Tatum is interested in you, there is something attractive about you, so please grab a dress that hugs your curves and do what you need to do. 

Most of us are sitting here with so much love and positivity to give, but instead of focusing on our beauty, wherever it lies, we absorb all the snide remarks and snickers from insecure people and let that dictate our dating decisions. When a girl tries to hit on my boyfriend right in front of my face, I can internalize it and say it’s because I’m too fat for him. Or, I can understand that women who go after other peoples boyfriend’s — right in front of them, no less — might be insecure that they don’t have someone of their own.

As I mentioned in this post, some of us have a bad habit of embracing the negative things we hear about ourselves. It’s easy to listen to the single people yapping about who we shouldn’t be dating because of how we look, but when we find someone who embraces us as we are, we owe it to ourselves to embrace them back.

I brought this topic up to my Dwyane Wade doppleganger the other day — in the context of us as a couple. “You know some people think we… don’t match,” I said. “Yeah,” he replied, “they’re probably wondering how I convinced you to date me.”

no, my boyfriend isnt settling for a plus size girl PLUSSIZEPRINCESS.COM

My original post can be found on Refinery29.com

Why Do we Love Getting Dating Advice from Single Men?

Question: Why do we love to get dating advice from single men?

Why Do we Love Getting Dating Advice from Single Men.jpg

I feel like we’ve all seen too many episodes of The Bachelor because somehow, we’ve put guys who can’t commit on a pedestal. Suddenly it feels like the dating scene is full of this 25 to 1 ratio of women are clamoring to unlock the hearts of the nearest man and when these men decide they’d rather keep sewing wild oats, we walk around like its our fault. We weren’t “something” enough to make them commit.

In general, it seems like we blame women for being single but we never blame men for not growing up/settling down– why?

A lot of this is happening on the internet, where there is a trend of random single men who love to dish harsh dating advice to women. Mostly saying what women are doing wrong in their dating life. These men say things like “How a woman dresses determines how I’ll treat her!”, “Don’t expect a man to pay for your dates!”, “Only loose women carry condoms!” and then there are those who reminisce publicly about their cheating. Its often posed as a cautionary tale, but I think they just enjoy reliving past conquests.

From what I observe, women eat this advice up. Its constantly being shared and retweeted and I’m not sure why.

I see dating panels and advice columns from of single men, “reformed players”, men who have never been married, men who have caused the break up of their families and then found love agan, etc. and for some reason we have a laundry list of questions for them as if what they have to say is the holy grail of dating advice.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking– aren’t these the very same types of men we’ve all been hurt by?

Men who can’t commit have somehow set things up so that women feel we’re not good enough to lock them down. Instead of thinking, hmmm maybe he needs to grow up and get it together. I refuse to believe that these men have never met a woman who was relationship/marriage material, but for some reason they keep letting those girls get away. But that’s shouldn’t be our problem!

Maybe listening to single men and reformed players makes us feel like we’re getting inside the heads of the men who we couldn’t make it work with in the past, but I’m wondering why we want to figure those men out in the first place.

To me this is like taking a class on how to befriend a bully. If someone is a bully, I have no interest in seeing what makes them tick or what I did to make them treat me badly. Instead, I’d go in search of kind hearted people and befriend them.

When a woman is single and has an opinion on dating we’re quick to shut her down, but some of my best dating advice has come from single women who have been hurt before. I’ve listened to some of the mistakes/missteps they’ve made and have been able to avoid the same heartaches that they endured.

When it comes to relationships, I tend to listen to married women more, but I don’t think we should discount the advice of single women when we’re dating… especially if we’re going to hang on every word that single men say.

…Thoughts???

I’m Single… What am I Doing Wrong?! | Plus Size Dating | Love & Relationships

Dear CeCe,

For some reason I have the worst luck dating. For some reason, EVERY guy that makes a pass at me only wants me a “pillow buddy” or his friend on the side. I feel like I deserve to be the main chick. I dress conservatively, am well educated, am active in my community, work out regularly, have my own money, & keep myself up. Could there be something I have been doing for the past 10 years that has me screwing up my dating life?

P.S. Tried dating online… yea, same deal. All the guys just wanted me as a random hook up. I assure you the pictures I posted werent suggestive. Please help me! -DN

Hi DN,

Thanks for being patient while I gathered my thoughts on your letter. Hopefully some of the other PSP’s will chime in with their advice too!

I really wish I had a magic trick to sift through all the troll-ish men out there, but for me it was really time, staying in the dating game and keeping a diverse social roster that got me dating quality men.

 I do have some thoughts on what to do while you are single/navigating the dating game, so I made you a video response. Do you ever notice that many women who have been married for a while speak wistfully about their single life. Wishing they had done more while they had time/freedom?

Being single was really hard for me. I spent the first few years of my twenties, frustrated because I didn’t have a guy to spend time with. Then when I was like 25, I shifted my thinking and became grateful that I had extra time, love and talents that I could share with others in a variety of ways.

I think I’ve been trying to rush through being single instead of making the most of this portion of my life when my time/money/responsibilities are mine to work with.

Questions that are coming up for me during my single/unmarried time are:

  1. Are there people around me who could use my time/gifts/talent?
  2. What can I do now that I might not be able to do when I’m married or a mom?
  3. Is there something specific I’m supposed to be doing before I meet someone?

I’ve been doing my best to answer those questions and live my life accordingly. From there, my life has taken me to many unexpected places and in a lot of ways, me tapping into that is what attracts Robert to me.

I think you’re on the right track and I definitely don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. My main advice is to not let any of the love in your heart go to waste, there’s someone out there who needs it.

xoxo,

CeCe

p.s. Ladies, do you have any additional advice for DN?

 

Single What Should I do

Plus Size Dating: Words from Maya Angelou…

I want to be as beautiful as I can be—to MYSELF first. THEN to whomever has the SENSE to see me. -Maya Angelou

When the news of Auntie Maya’s passing hit yesterday, so many quotes swirled around the internet… but this is the one that spoke directly to my heart.

Loving myself is hard and never ending work. I never get it 100% right, but I’m getting better at it. I’m getting better at bouncing back from failure. I’m getting better at seeing a number on the scale and moving on with my day no matter what it says. I’m getting better at not defining myself by my relationship status… I’m getting better, but I’m still a work in progress, we all are.

The exciting thing is that as I love myself better, the people around me love me better too.

What if seeing ourselves as beautiful is the key to being beautiful? What if how we see ourselves is reflected in the eyes of those we love? What if we stopped faulting ourselves for not attracting certain people, but instead understood that they had no sense!

I think I’m going to write this quote on the mirror in my apartment… lets read it again… Rest in Peace Auntie Maya. xo

Maya Angelou Plus Size Dating

The Time I Accidentally Catfished Someone…

I was standing in the parking lot of Target when my phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but I was 17 so that was more thrilling than it is now.

“Hello?”

“CeCe?” the phone cracked in my ear “its me… Daniel!” He spoke again, “DBoone81?” I knew exactly who we was… my jaw dropped.

I Accidentally Catfished Someone PlusSizePrincess.com.jpg

I met Daniel in a chat room on AIM one night with my best friend, Holly. Somehow, Daniel and I had formed a tight friendship. We lived in different cities, but we’d spoken weekly via instant messenger and sometimes on the phone since my Sophomore year of high school.

Based on the crackled phone connection, I knew where he was but I asked anyway.

“I’m in Iraq,” Daniel said. When Daniel enlisted, I was one of the first people he called. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot, I miss our chats…”

Suddenly I was a ball of nerves. Even though I was 17, I knew what it meant when I guy used a precious phone call from Iraq to call you and tell you he missed talking to you. This was a big deal, an honor even… and a gesture that could transition our relationship into something more.

I liked Daniel, but he and I had never exchanged photos. I knew that he was 6’1 with blond hair, he knew that I was 5’10 and Nigerian, but I never mentioned my size during our talks. “plus size”, “fat”, “big girl”, I wasn’t comfortable with those words yet and it always seemed like they would ruin the moment, so had I never uttered/typed them.

But as I stood in the Target parking lot, chatting with Daniel, my size was all I could think about. Did he know he was using his international minutes on a big girl? I could see the romantic moves he was working to create… but I knew that the 5’10 Nigerian girl he was imagining at the other end of the line didn’t look like me.

Standing on the axis of “my size shouldn’t matter” and “but I know it does” was too much for my 17 year old self esteem to handle. I toyed with the idea that maybe I could lose a whole bunch of weight before he got back from Iraq and actually BE the fantasy in Daniel’s head, but I knew better…

I made an excuse to rush off the phone. I started letting days/weeks pass before I’d reply to his emails. Eventually, we stopped speaking. I had let Daniel down gently, “saved” him from falling in love with a fat girl, stayed true to myself and kept the fantasy he had of me squarely in tact.

Fast forward a few years, I’m 23. I log into my newly acquired facebook account and there’s Daniel name in my friend requests tab. I guess the pull of fantasy CeCe was too strong and he had looked me up. I was 5’10, Nigerian and plus size… turns out he was 6’1, blond and lanky/awkward.

He ruined it… I thought to myself, as I clicked “accept”.

I get so frustrated with the constant parade of plus size people misrepresenting themselves with skinny photos online, but in some ways I understand it. “My size shouldn’t matter, but I know it does” is a hard pill to swallow. “What if they see me and they’re disappointed?” is a tough question to ask. For me, it was better to find someone who liked me for the totality of who I was are than to let someone project their idea of a physical perfection onto my personality.

Other than the friend request, Daniel and I never communicated on facebook. No messages, no “liked” statuses. The lack of communication was a subtle version of the rejection I was trying to avoid. When Daniel saw what I looked like, he didn’t even want to rekindle our friendship, but that’s more of a reflection of him than me.

I’ll be live tweeting Catfish this week, follow me on twitter @CeCeOlisa!

When Insecure Men Make Us Insecure: My Response to LOUIE on FX “So did the Fat Lady” Episode 3 Season 4

When I was a sophomore in high school, I developed a crush on a nerdy freshman, with big teeth and braces who everyone called “Hee-Haw”.

I should start of by saying that I was a big girl who managed to defy all teen movie stereotypes: I was popular at my California high school, invited to my share of exclusive parties and I was asked to every prom.

I don’t know about you, but my high school was a funny place where the social “hierarchy” was quietly established and then followed without question. So when the crush I had on my little “Hee-Haw” became public, it shook up the status quo and two things happened.

1.) A popular upper classman who I was friends with, pulled me to the side after seeing me holding hands with Hee-Haw. “So, are you telling me you want to become… a ‘She-Haw’?!” he asked, running his hands through his hair. It felt like he was warning me that people would see me differently if I decided to date someone like him. I just laughed and explained that my crush was cute and funny and if that made me a ‘She-Haw’, oh well.

2.) A few unpopular (but skinny) freshman intercepted my little Hee-Haw as he made his way towards me and my crew during lunch. They pulled him into a corner, whispered and giggled while looking at me. It felt like they were warning him that people would see him differently if I decided to date someone like me. He broke up with me the next day.

I was secure enough in my popularity to date a guy that all of my friends made fun of, but my Hee-Haw was too insecure in who he was to date a fat girl. Oddly enough, being liked by a popular Plus Size Princess put Hee-Haw on the map and within a week he was dating a skinny girl who had never given him the time of day before.

I, on the other hand was emotionally bruised. He liked me until people found out… he liked me until people told him he shouldn’t. Better to date a skinny girl who used to ignore you than a fat girl who liked you when no one else did. That lesson stuck with me for a very long time… and it wasn’t until seeing this scene below from LOUIE on FX that I began to understand why I never became a She-Haw.

Before we look down our noses at my Hee-Haw for not being a strong enough teenager to publicly date a fat girl, I must examine where my crush came from in the first place. I actually had three senior boys who were interested in me (or maybe it was the DD boobies that came with my plus size body), I liked them too, but would never admit it. Instead I chose to pluck a Hee-Haw out of high school obscurity… why would I do that?

High school can be a fascinating social experiment. If physical appearance is social currency, then being overweight can put you into social debt.

 

Did I feel that my popularity and status was enough to get me invited to parties, but not enough to get me the boyfriend of my choice? Did I choose a Hee-Haw because deep down I thought my social status made me an upgrade for him even though my weight was a social liability?

Did I choose an insecure guy… out of insecurity?

The Hee-Haw was the last guy that I expressed interest in, his rejection stayed with me for a long time. When I moved to NYC for college and guys began approaching me, they were always very attractive, which was the last thing I expected (more on that in these posts: “Can a Big Girl Date a Hot Guy?” and “Superficial Fat Chicks and other Myths“).

As Sarah Baker states in her honest monologue, hot guys have nothing to lose if they date a big girl, they’re still hot. Its the insecure men who can’t handle it… its the men who are unsure of themselves that wonder if dating a big girl confirms that they aren’t as attractive as the next guy.

Unfortunately I spent too long letting insecure men make me feel insecure.

But here’s the deal: My job is to work on me, ditch the high school social games and place value on who I am at any size.

I can play the insecurity blame game, or I can keep it simple and know that when I’m confident in who I am I attract men who are confident in who they are… and that’s hot.

When Insecure Men Make Us Insecure My Response to LOUIE on FX

Dear Closet Chubby Chasers… Go Away!

This weekend I logged onto my facebook page and I was like…

Beyonce-Knowles-Offended-Reaction-Gif

Some dude had liked my page, left a whole bunch of comments and then started sending me private flirtatious messages asking me to call him. He even left his phone number! One of the awkward parts about being a plus size blogger, is that the pages I create to keep in touch with my PSP’s sometimes get infiltrated by creepy men. As I went to click the “block” button, I realized something. This guy was carefully perusing my photos and posts, but his facebook profile was locked down like Fort Knox. He had no photos and his name was listed as “Jamal Jamal”.

Isn’t it fascinating how men love to divulge their attraction to big women when hidden behind the veil anonymity?

The same thing used to happen to me when I was doing online dating. I’d have messages from men telling me how hot I was, but they had no photos, no profile info, nothing! Of course these men expected me to fall all over myself because they were giving me attention, but when I’d ask them to reveal their identities and send me a photo… Chubby Chaser HidingChubby Chaser HidingChubby Chaser Hiding

I am so sick and tired of men who are passionate about their “love for big women” but ashamed for anyone to know about it. The closet chubby chasers… the bbw fetish guys… the “come hook up with me in my dorm room but don’t talk to me in public” dudes… What is your problem?! Its hard enough maintaining confidence as a big girl without having to deal with your insecurities about your attraction to me. Telling a girl she’s pretty while refusing to be seen with her in public is a form of body shaming. Get out of here with that nonsense, please!

But here’s the deal… as much as I want all closet chubby chasers to go away, I can’t ignore the role that Plus Size Princesses play in making the “Jamal Jamal’s” of the world think its okay to keep us as a dirty little secret.

It’s up to us as big women not to settle for the guy who only wants to sleep with us but wont introduce us to his friends.

It’s our job not to let ourselves get sucked in by flattery from blank/anonymous profiles.

It’s our responsibility to think highly of ourselves and hold ourselves to a higher standard.

These closet chubby chasers do hurtful/shameful things to big girls because we let them. If we all banded together and said, no… we refuse to be your midnight girlfriend/pillow buddy/anonymous pen pal, then maybe… just maybe guys would cut it out. I know sometimes its hard and it feels good to have male attention, but if a guy can’t even show me his face as he tells me how beautiful I am, his words mean nothing to me. I’m going to block all closet chubby chasers and I encourage all of you to do the same…

clueless_hairflip

My Weight Makes me Uncomfortable on Dates | Curvy Conversations | Plus Size Dating

Hey Cece!  

I am one of your biggest fans, I’m from Nairobi Kenya not sure if that rings a bell but anyhoo, I LOOOOVEEE you, your work i.e. your writing, and your #PSPfit….basically everything about you!
My question was kinda personal which is why I decided to email you directly. I’ve always felt self conscious about how much ‘wider’ I was compared to the dudes I liked and even went out with! Much like you, I also want to feel like a little bird with a guy or at the very least have him tower over me…I remember once I was on a movie date and I felt sooo awful because my ‘sides’ spilled over into his seat as well..and I remember being so sad and tense that I could hardly enjoy the movie!
 
Have you ever had this issue i.e. feeling self conscious in particular scenarios e.g. car rides, movie dates etc, where suddenly you were confronted with your size in comparison? Sigh I dont want this to ruin the next and final relationship…how does one ‘feel’ small or just get over this kind of reality? Hope I’m making sense….
 
Thanks loads for your time CeCe..you’re one of my imaginary mentors in my head! Lol
Hey Miss,
You are too sweet… I decided to answer your letter in a YouTube video. We all know that plus size dating can be frustrating, so even though you’re wrestling with some things I think its great that you’re putting yourself out there.

My main suggestion to you is to try and look at yourself as a total package. Guys are asking you out because they see something in you that’s special. We all have flaws, some more visible than others, but its up to us not to get so hung up on our flaws that we block the good things/people coming our way.

With Robert I feel more and more like a “little bird” with him because I let my guard down and open up. But it doesn’t come easy, but I have a feeling from your vivacious email that you can do it!

xoxo,

CeCe

p.s. Does anyone else have advice for our friend from Nairobi?

p.p.s Registration for the #PSPfit Pre-Summer Clean Eating/Fitness Bootcamp opens on April 10th. Registration closes April 20th, pre register at www.PSPfit.com for registration info, discount codes and membership giveaways! Questions? Email fitness@thebiggirlblog.com

My Office Romance: He Got a New Job… | Dating | Relationships

OMG, I forgot to tell you guys that Robert gave his two weeks notice at our company, so we will no longer be co-workers… eek! We’ve been the “Jim and Pam” of our office since the beginning of our friendship-turned-courtship…

CeCe Robert Jim Pam Gif

I started as the receptionist at my company in August of 2008 and Robert started on the finance team in December of that same year. By the Fall of 2009, he was coming upstairs to my desk to visit me every day at 3pm, sharp. At first we were definitely just friends. I was dating lots of other people (remember Jeremy??) but the more we spoke at work, the more things felt… different…

cece robert jim pam one

I literally spent 2009-2011 blogging my way through the Friend Zone/Grey Area with Robert (those posts are tagged “Um… Are we Dating?“). Looking back, that long Friend Zone-ish period was a blessing. It takes so much for me to be vulnerable which is a relationship necessity and our friendship gave me a foundation of comfort to open up to Robert (especially about my insecurities as a plus size girlfriend). By the time Robert and I had this conversation he was one of my best friends…

cece robert jim pam bff

Once we were officially dating, Robert was ready to tell people but I was determined to keep our relationship under wraps, which was a total waste of time because everyone assumed we were together since 2008 when we met. People in our office politely pretended not to know. Until one holiday party in 2012 when I got “tipsy and frisky” with Robert in front of everyone.

Does red wine have that affect on anyone else???

cece robert jim and pam awkward

So, now we’ve been an open couple in the office for a while which means that Robert giving his two weeks notice sent a lot of curious coworkers my way with their questions. They wanted to know if I’m happy for him (duh!), if I think the change will be good for us (yup!) and if I will miss him…

At first my answer was a pretty dismissive; I would laugh and say “he knows where to find me, we’ll be fine!” but as our time as coworkers draws to a close I’m starting to realize how spoiled I’ve been. Robert walks me for coffee every morning when I get into work. If I start to feel sick during the day, he’ll run to the drug store to get me medicine. Last week I had a shoulder cramp and he was there to massage it… I’ve had emotional days where he’s met me in a conference room to keep me from crying…

This new job is an amazing opportunity for him and a great time for us to approach our relationship from a different angle. I’m not worried about “us”, but I think I’m underestimating how much I depend on him being there for me 40 hours a week. Everyone says office romances are a bad idea, but for the past few years I’ve been given a salary to be in the same building as the guy in my life and as far as I can see, that’s a pretty sweet deal.

So this week, when people ask “Are you going to miss him?” I’ll have to think twice before I answer…

cece robert jim and pam question

 

The-Office-Jim-Pam_ jp

Dating & Van Gogh Vodka with Perez Hilton & Patti Stanger

One of the first lessons I learned when moving to NYC is that you don’t gush over celebs when you see them, so I kept my composure when I walked into Toshi’s livingroom and saw Perez Hilton and Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker. Dating is one of my favorite subjects and I loved sitting back and listening to them dish about dating and go over the results of the Singles in America study. Some interesting things I learned from the event are:

1.) Women like to text during the day/at work, men don’t

2.) The issues/red flags you see by date three will not go away as the relationship progresses

3.) Men tend to imagine a future with their date faster than women d0

Now that I have a proper camera, I can take you guys with me to events like this:

I think the vodka cocktails definitely freed people up to ask questions and air their dating dirty laundry which made for a hilarious afternoon. The giftbags from this event included bottles of Van Gogh Vodka and a cocktail recipe book. I’m not going to lie, I tested alllllll the cocktails. Now that I have a couple of bottles at home, the recipe I’ll probably try tonight is the “My Honey Valentine”

My Honey Valentine

1-1/2 oz. Van Gogh Pomegranate Vodka

3/4 oz. pomegranate juice

1/2 oz. fresh lemon juice

1/4 oz. honey syrup (equal parts honey and hot water stirred until the honey dissolves)

Shake ingredients very well with ice and strain into martini glass or over ice into a rocks glass. Garnish with a lime wheel.

Yum!!

CeCe Olisa Perez Hilton Millionaire Matchmaker

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