Size & Race: Who Has it “Easier”?

*hitting my catching the holy ghost dance* preach! this is so true. as we go through life, we learn to ove our curves, while some times white women arent. but it definitely isnt something we come out of our mothers knowing. as for the dating situation, it really depends. I had an easier time when i was in college because i was in the south, but being at home in Jersey its not the same. but what ive noticed at the end of the day is you confidence in yourself, men respond to that!

I 100% agree with your assessment CeCe. I am black and have been been overweight my entire life and even thought I stand at 5’8″ I have been virtually invisible (despite my fantastic fashion sense;] lol). Now that I’ve started this weight loss journey and I am 48lbs down….I cannot tell you how much more attention I am getting from men…ESPECIALLY black men. I recognize that there may be other factors involved (i.e: confidence, being more sociable) but at my core, I recognize that my weight has made 90% of the difference. I’m still not really sure how to wrap my head around all of this but it is definitely not easier being fat just because I’m black.
Kudos to you for bringing the conversation to the forefront!

As a white woman, I’m going to step in from another side and state that as a PSP, I get hit on 5x more by a black or latino guy then I do a white man. I’m not sure if culturally it’s more acceptable or even adored in the black/latino community then it is in the white community, but I’ve definitely noticed the difference. My last boyfriend even commented on it once how he didn’t like all the tough guys (who happened to muscular black men in this instance) hitting on me at an event we were at. Does this happen to anyone else? That being said…I’ve put on about 15-20 more lbs since most of those times occurred and the getting hit-on by any guy is becoming far and fewer in between – so I also agree with what ShoeJunkie stated in her comment….there’s a limit to overweightness that attracts men, no matter the race.

As a white plus gal who lives in NYC (Harlem specifically) I get hit on constantly by black/latino men. I basically date exclusively through online dating and on average I get more black men messaging me, followed by latinos, and white men coming in last. My first boyfriend was white and now the second guy I’m seeing is half Puerto Rican/ half Sicilian (a great mix if you ask me! 😉 ). I’m about 5 foot, and depending on where I shop range in size between 16-18. So I’m bigger, but the weight is pretty evenly distributed (boobs/butt are ample) and I’m active. Someone my height who was a size 22-24 probably wouldn’t fair as well, no matter what race their trying to impress.

But either way, I would say that black/latino men have an easier time with a girl who is bigger than white men. I would say it is a cultural acceptance that is not found in the white community, especially in metropolitan areas. You go to the South and I feel that plus size women are more accepted across all races.

Hi CeCe I think it does matter I’m Black and it hasn’t been easy for me at all I have been a bigger size girl since I was at least 7. I always end up dating guy friends who I have to really get to know, or guys that I meet online who say they don’t care about weight. I tend to find that being black, and over weight there is a huge misconception by other people that were sloppy or ghetto. I am neither, and I have self confidence. The second I read this blog post, I remembered that post you did last month http://www.thebiggirlblog.com/2012/03/plus-size-dating-race-does-matter/ about what was over heard on the train. I am really into white guys but most of them wont touch me with a ten foot pole I always end up friend zoned but I tend to find that my friends who are plus size and white always tend to find a guy reguardless of race. It’s just one of those things I come to expect now.

Another good post – I like that you deal thoughfully with subjects that are often ignored. I think that black women are raised to be more confident about everything because the world regards us as so little. So parents try to combat that by trying to teach their daughters to love and accept themselves and to ignore what the world thinks. It’s often not successful though – so many times that confidence is a fragile mask that covers up alot of pain and confusion and Black women feel that they HAVE to act confident and strong and invincible when really, we just want what every woman wants. We just have a somewhat tougher world to deal with than many of our sisters of different cultures. However, I do think that Black and Latino communities have a slightly larger “acceptable” standard of a positive body type. Your discussion of race and dating last month covered the topic pretty well though – many Black men do not see large Black women as attractive – in fact, do not see Black women as attractive at all. Dating for everyone is kind of hard right now. Too bad.

Try being plus sized AND asian. We’re SUPPOSED to be the skinny and petite people. I’ve been sticking out in society since I was a kid, but oh well.

I’m a size 16 from NYC and I’ve been this size since I was 16. I’ve only dated black men (by default, I’m attracted to other races but I guess they’re not all that attracted to me *shrug*) and they’ve all had varying degrees of love for my figure.

I’m jamaican and when I go to visit my family I am constantly reminded of how big I am and how fat I’ve gotten since the last visit. So no, being black is not some automatic acceptance by the body police. We still get harassed. In Jamaica I was every type of fatty, fluffy, big gyal, whatever phrase they could think of off the top of their heads. When I said something against it I was “being too sensitive”. I even had strangers on the street giving me weight loss advice. Hot mess.

Wow..I have so many thoughts on this topic. I’m a white woman (currently a size 22-24) who typically dates men who don’t generally date plus-size women. I’m currently in New Orleans, but I still spend almost half of my time in NY since moving last year.

I had a serious boyfriend in NY for a few years, but in my experience dating has been much more difficult over the last year (probably because of what’s going on inside my own head.) This makes no sense in my mind because I’ve dropped 10 clothing sizes, and I go on a lot of first dates. I went on 3 in NY a few weeks ago.

When I weighed 400 pounds, I met guys who wore expensive suits to work everyday, and they seemed to want me in spite of my size. I pretended to be confident, and it must have worked. But lately I’ve been lacking confidence, and I tend to look for reasons that a guy won’t like me even when it seems as though he absolutely does. The last date in NY told me a few days later that he wasn’t just in it to “get some” and that he liked my body how it was even though I needed to learn to. Whoa.

I say all of this to say that it wasn’t hard to get a date at my heaviest, and I think that’s largely because of the confidence (almost verging on smug) that I projected. It’s much harder for me to love myself than it should be, and I think that’s a big turn-off to the guys who would ask me on a third or fourth date.

Does it matter that I’m plus-size and white? Generally speaking, of course it matters, and it’s definitely detrimental in dating. is it easier for a black or latina woman? To me, it would seem so, but I’m quite aware that my Colombian BFF categorically disagree with me on that.

I do know that confidence is sexy. Self-love is hot, and I’m trying….That’s all……

Ahhh! Thank you for discussing this. You totally wrote it in a way that provoked thought and was honest! Thank you. And yes, you hit the nail on the head oft times women of color are expected to be more “ok” or confident when in fact we do just want love, and relationships, and honesty. We really are all the same when you get down to it. Stupid social constructions. I actually get more white guys (i’m black) and now that I’ve lost weight have notice more black men around. But most (men) are still scared off by my savvy, witty nature which has nothing to do with weight ;). Keep this convo going!

Ah, race is such a sensitive subject. I have similar thoughts, but I’ve been wary of voicing them because I don’t want to come of as offensive.

In my life, I have never met a black woman who wasn’t (or, at least didn’t *seem to be*) self-assured and completely confident in her skin. I think this is a MAJOR difference. Black women as a whole seem to be more proud of who they are and more comfortable at any size, while white women will feel shame because of their weight.

I think that because of this self-confidence, black women at least appear to have it easier in many cases. But, I can’t say for sure. I know at times I’ve put on a self-confident facade. No one is there at the end of the day to know for sure.

Not really. Indians face the same problem. We have to be super skinny to be desirable and date-worthy. Even having fat in the right places also doesn’t count here, you have to be skinny.

Regarding the ideal body type, I believe that the girl should always have the ‘just right’ and healthy body type, which is neither super skinny or very fat, simply slim and thin. At the end of the day, the ideal goal is to remain healthy.

I don’t think that any particular race has it easier if you’re plus size and dating. But many black men find plus size white women to be attractive due to their own notions about race and status, even though they would never go for a black woman who looked similarly. The word confidence has been thrown around a lot, but for black American women, I think many of us grew up being surrounded by larger women so we learned how to work with what we had. The other thing is the media is very comfortable portraying fat black women as the happy-go-lucky mule who is perfectly content to tend to everyone else’s needs, so people are more comfortable seeing fat black women as opposed to women of other races who aren’t portrayed that way.

Some years ago I lost 100lbs and kept it off for about 3 years until I was in an accident and gained it all back. I won’t lie to you, I found myself having more options, but what was more interesting was that my thin, non-black friends who were always so supportive of my “confidence” as a big girl all of sudden saw me as competition and our relationship drastically changed. See, things change when you no longer fit into the role people have assigned you. So, I think dating as a plus size woman can be more challenging in terms of initial options, but there are lots of men who love big girls and all it takes is one.

I absolutely think it is easier as a black woman. While you may not be celebrated as having the perfect body, our culture generally gives way more leeway as to what size can be attractive. It’s more about shape than size. I have been in a lot of situations where white friends or coworkers were surprised at the amount of attention I got.

Obviously that doesnt mean that every black PSP has a life that’s a bed of roses, but I think trendwise they are less likely to be depressed. The data speaks for itself. Honestly I think if I was competing for white men’s attention at my size I would probably struggle with confidence.

hmmmm this is a very interesting topic… as a PSP that happens to be latina and black living in NYC i can say in my experience it hasn’t been harder than what i see the average woman go through, sometimes you like a guy that doesn’t like you back and sometimes a guy likes you that you don’t like…

in reality i think what it really comes down to is three major things:

1) confidence and style (do you seem happy and comfortable w/yourself, how do you carry yourself and do you dress to accentuate your best features?)

2) being attractive (having a pretty face trumps everything)

3) height and proportion (hourglass shapes come first, no ifs, ands or buts about it)

i do know that black and latin communities have a wider range -in terms of size- of what is considered attractive and that must have an effect on dating & as for being born loving our bodies, i honestly think its that we are not born hating them… from television and the white girls i do know, it appears that they hate they way they look all the damn time, too fat, too tall, i hate my knees or other things that most likely effect how much or little confidence you display…

Sorry, CeCe but here in Detroit, when I go out, I see fat and thin white women with a man, but not necessarily black women. As much as I love your blog, I believe that even fat, white women are privileged. I’ve seen numerous instances where I’ve been out in public and seen fat white women with black men. 70% of black women are single, so yes, we have it different. Also, considering that you are on a diet, and trying to lose weight, I wasn’t surprised about your indifference. When you truly love yourself, you will realize that you either want to lose weight because you don’t love yourself, or you love yourself just the way you are. You can’t have it both ways!

It has been my experience that guys only wanna date (read: sex) me because I am big they think I have low self-esteem and therefore I would be just happy with some of anything in the way of dating.
I this k if “skinny ain’t where it’s at” then why are we bigger girls getting shunned at almost every turn. Why is it that the men are happy to see us but only in private (for the most part)? Why is everyone so CONCERNED about OUR heart, blood pressure, diabetes, etc? I know PLENTY of size-acceptable women who are one Frito away from stroke/heart-attack of one soft peppermint away from a sugar induced diabetic coma….but no one really points them out.
I think it’s misleading to make it seem like Black women have it easier when dating. Bigger women may not have an IMPOSSIBLE time dating, but im pretty sure we are no threats to the smaller community of women in the dating ocean….not at first anyway.

Well CeCe, I’m going to have to agree with the female from the fashion show. Being “thick” in the Black/Latina community is definitely easier, from my perspective. 1st of all, in the “white” community, “thick” doesn’t really exist. That word is not a part of their culture. They dont really comprehend it. Either you have a nice body or you’re fat to them. Most “White” men go for the model-y, cheerleader-y, super thin, fit women. I’m from Louisiana and currently live in Atlanta, Ga……& I’ve definitely seen my white “heavier” friends, college roommates, co-workers, etc. get looked over plenty of times by White Men. I’ve also seen my super skinny black friends get skipped over by Black/Latina Men. Black/Latina men that I’ve encountered like hips, breasts, thighs, butt….a little jiggle. I’m 5’9, 240, Sz.16 w/ DDs. I’m pretty proportionate but of course I have areas of my body that I’m not comfy with. My mid-section and thighs mostly. But Black & Latina men love me! I do aerobics 4-5 times a week and am pretty conscious about what I eat. My dates will always say “Why do you workout so much or why are you dieting, you look great?!” White guys NEVER look twice at me. EVER! EVER! EVER! Lol. I’m invisible to them. But if I walk into a room of black/latina men, 90% of them will look at me. So it’s just a difference of culture….especially down south. IDK about New York, but here…..”thick”, “healthy”, “chunky” even “fat” women are embraced like Goddesses by MOST Black/Latina men.

CeCe honey! you have spoke on this one. I have been told by so many people that I know you got a man and married with kids because the men down South like their women big like you. Ha! All I can do is laugh. I have had a harder time dating here in the South than I ever had anywhere else. It could because the ones here have been raised thinking that the “big girl” is going to take care of you like Big Momma. She isn’t going to be worried about other things to distract her from you. so when they meet a successful confident PSP like myself that’s not accepting nothing but the best, you become all kinds inappropiate name. So yes we might get a tad more attention but it’s not always for the right reasons.

I think the media, television and movies in particular, have thrown out the stereotype of the “Big Mama”. Black women are many times portrayed as endowed with curves and we as a society have come to accept this. Do I think race makes it easier to be plus size? Not at all. I think how you feel about your size has to do with your personal attitude about the way you look, and with the way you are treated by those around you. I don’t believe race is a factor when it comes to self-acceptance.

Cece, I’m half white and half asian. Yup, thats me!! Probably the only PSP asain ever……is what I was going to write exactly until I just scrolled down and there was another one!! LOL!

You really just have to learn to love your body and who you are. If you want to change things for better due to health wise, more power to you no matter who you are!!

I really don’t think it makes it easier. I am half native american and half white, but most people think I am hispanic. I still have the same insecurities and face the same problems that I read about on your blog (which I love by the way!) I think it has more to do with how confident a woman is with herself and her body as to whether she has an easier time dealing with being a psp.

As a white girl, when I was single I got more attention from Latinos and African Americans. I ended up marrying a white man, but I dated the “spectrum” and found that men of color were more attracted to me.

CeCe, I think it depends on the type of men the PSP is interested in. I have it the worst! I’m a black PSP that’s mostly attracted to white guys. *Always single*

I can only speak for white women. White men do not seem to go for bigger white women. I thank god I’m married because I don;t think another man would look my way now that I am bigger.

I think it’s the culture itself that makes it easier in some regards. Being latina, growing up I was always ashamed of my big “booty” and thighs, always trying to hide it until I realized that latin men loved it and I learned to embrace it. I think in general latin women or black women are more comfortable with themselves and therefore exude more confidence appearing to be happier. Latin men have a lot to do with this too because they just make you feel sexy and wanted. I have to say in Puerto Rico or Miami, I have had much better luck with men than in Oregon which is predominantly “white”. Don’t know if this can be attributed to the culture or region where you live. but I think there is some truth to it. Trust me, if any of the Plus Size Princesses you polled take a trip to Puerto Rico, I can guarantee they will be treated like Goddesses.

OMG CeCe,
This is a sore subject for me. I’m a PSP of color (black) but… I prefer to date interracialy. Men within my own racial background tend to find me attractive and have no problem with my size but I have been told by guys outside of my background to lose weight. It hurts to hear that especially when it took me so long to accept myself !!! I did a speed dating thing a few weeks ago and the feedback on the card was that I had a pretty face and a wonderful persona but my weight was an issue. It seems that I just can’t win!

I’m white and I think that I’m probably a good deal older than most of you but I do recall many of my friends commenting on how black men were always attracted to me when I was younger and heavier. Some were but I don’t think that it was out of proportion at all to the number of white men that were interested – I think that my mostly white friends just noticed it more when I dated non-white men. IIRC black men didn’t seem to mind as much as often liked my big butt where as white men were probably more embarrassed by it.

I am probably much older than all of you here. Years ago, I lost over 90 lbs, I was still a PSP as I wore anywhere from a 14 to a 22 depending on the type and cut of clothing. I’ve always been told I have a pretty face, but with that weight loss came the most confidence. I started meeting men online and going on many dates. In the beginning, what I came to realize, I was so concerned that they wouldn’t be attracted to me, that I realized I wasn’t even attracted to them. I went out because they asked. Didn’t take me long to get rid of that thinking, and with that came so much confidence. One of my good friends has told me more than once, I “oozed” confidence back then. I was proud of my accomplishment, proud of the way I looked, and of how good I felt. I never got below 200 lbs, and I met so many amazing people. I met the love of my life, where I know if h had met me at another time, he wouldn’t have looked twice at me, not because of my size, but because of my own perspective of myself. It truly made me realize, how can anyone ever love you, let alone like you, if you don’t even like yourself. It’s so cliche, but it is oh so very true

Hmmmmm….. see this is an interesting topic because I have seen difficulty in dating from all areas. I do not think it makes a difference in dating to be honest. Being fat and any race makes things interesting. Also, I think it is being “accepted” is all about geography and social groups. Who you are around, the beliefs of the culture around you, things like that. I am finding in the online plus size community, there is more diversity when it comes to modeling and beauty. There is still a clear separation between commercial plus size models and the ones big outside of it. In there you can start to see some separation based on race and size. In the regular world, I think we all suffer the same.

I look forward to your post about shape and size! I have always felt that your shape makes all the difference.

As an Afro Caribbean Plus Sized Princess I’m often frustrated by one person making statements as if they could speak for an entire community. I can only tell you that in my experience I have often been ridiculed because of my weight. In my extended family, everyone is skinny. I tend to favor my father’s side of the family where the women are bigger. Since I was eight years old I have been made to feel, by my mother and her family, that I was fat. I can look back at pictures now and realize that I was nowhere near fat, but that was what I was told at the time. My cousin, Joan, has been derided as the fat cousin for as long as I can remember. People attribute all of her issues to her weight. I am from Barbados. When I went there for a visit in 1998 I was over 300 lbs. I have never heard so many nasty comments about my weight. It was a sad and frustrating experience.

This is my first visit to your blog. I’m totally head over heels with what you have to say! As a plus sized gal I’ve struggeled my whole life with weight and what OTHER people find of value in my appearance. I finally found my voice! I write BBW erotic romance and people are buying it!! Yup! There are more of us than there are of you…so to speak. We want to be confident and beautiful. WE want to do the horizonal mambo with the hot guy at the end of the book. 😉 I’m so proud of what you are doing here and will frequent your comments often. Keep up the great work!

Yeah, that woman was overreaching. be careful what you listen to. Not all black people speak for each other.

While being a woman of color gives you a little more leeway in terms of pounds, you are right that being straight up “fat” (as opposed to “thick” or “curvy” like, say, Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce’) is not acceptable or desirable. In fact, once you get up the economic ladder, men of color seem to prefer the same slim build as you find to be of the highest premium as in the “mainstream” . . . I actually blogged about this for Valentine’s Day – http://www.curvyceo.com/2012/02/13/real-talk-weight-success-and-dating-part-1. Check it out and tell me what you think!

Wow! I love this post! thank you so much for writing this! As an African American female on the West Coast (San Francisco + Portland, OR) I really think acceptance of “thick” is all about culture + who you’re surrounded by and what the ideal is. Living in Portland, and San Francisco I always feel overlooked. Yes, black + latino men constantly love me, but they’re not exactly men I would invest any time in. Most men I’m attracted to are attracted to petite hipster girls who have the enviable gap in between their thighs. It’s all relative, I think. I’m a size 12 now after losing 25 pounds, but even in college, when I was at my thinnest (5″9, size 6), I rarely attracted White men or the college educated Black men in San Francisco. The culture here is a bit different. However, when I was in the East Coast (NYC, Philadelphia, DC), men of all colors loved me 🙂 at a size 14. I’m learning that it’s all about confidence really, and how you see yourself is how others are going to see. But is it easier for Black women to be thick- yes, socially its more accepted and EXPECTED, in comparison to White women. But I think its difficult individually, depending on a quality of life or culture/subculture you belong to. For me, being “thick” isn’t my ideal weight, though its where my body is naturally comfortable. But every women is different, and I think my weight and acceptance of it is something I struggle with everyday, especially when I’m actively dating.

If you are a sized larger than size 2 then society things you are to big? Color of skin, accent, or the shape of you eyes doesn’t matter if you are overweight people dismiss you, give you a hard time ignore. It is univeral.

Hi everyone. This is the first time I’m posting but I’ve been reading your AWESOME blog for a while now.
I’m half french half greek and people always ask me what my ethnicity is (hispanic? middle-eastern?…).
I always have had a lot of success with black and middle-eastern men, hispanic not so much (maybe because I live in a country where there are not so much south american people).
I’ve nearly never been hit on by a white man!!! Ever! I’ve never dated any! Always been told that I have a pretty face (I hate when people say that ! I have a nice body too even if it doesn’t match your standards, a*hole!)
In France, being plus size is really hard especially if you’re an educated, confident young women… You’re considered lazy, and don’t make me start about finding clothes, seats at the movie theater and so on…
About the “race” thing :maybe it’s easier for black PSP because, as I read in comments, oddly it’s nearly expected for a black women to be curvy or plus size. But at the end of the day, it’s hard for all of us.
Anyway, I love your blog and will try to comment some more in the future, please be soft on my english typos… 😉

A black girl who is “thick” in the right places as you would say, does seem to have an easy time getting guys. (But I would say the same for a thick white girl too. Lol) But in my mind that is a far cry from a Plus Size Princess. I have been a big girl my whole life (I’m 22 btw) it has NEVER been easy with men. 99% of my girlfriends are skinny-thick and I can see how easy it is for them to pick up men. Of course I know self esteem plays a huge role. “There are lies, there are Damn Lies, and there’s statistics”. Where are they getting these facts from?

” I know if h had met me at another time, he wouldn’t have looked twice at me, not because of my size, but because of my own perspective of myself.”

How do you know, though? How can you be sure which factor it is …?

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