Computer Love

I can remember being a young girl and wishing I could send out a mass message across the United States to any and all boys who liked (or didn’t mind) big girls. In my fantasy, I would line all the boys up, walk up and down the line and pick one (or two) so I could finally have a boyfriend.

I knew there were boys out there who would like a girl like me, but it was just a matter of finding them.
Fast Forward to my adulthood and that long line of males who’d like a plus size princess of their own has become a reality, with the help of the Internet.
When I moved to New York City, online dating was NOT an option, I mean isn’t that where ax-murderers find their victims? But after a long time passed and I realized that I was mostly being approached by homeless men with missing teeth, I started to look into it.
A quick look here proved my point, there were men looking for big girls.
So I began my search for the man of my dreams, I took time and wrote out an ad detailing what I was looking for, the major criteria being:
1.) Height (6’+)
2.) Intelligence
3.) Religion (Christian please)
Note: Race NOT important
I published my post online and in minutes my inbox was full of responses! To my dismay many were written in poor or broken English with spelling errors, so those emails were quickly deleted (please see criteria #2).
Then I got a beautifully written note with a photo attached, from an Asian man. At the end he mentioned that he was 5’5 and he hoped that wouldn’t be a problem once we got to know each other. (please see criteria #1!)
I was just about to lose hope when, I got a charming email from a man who said he liked that I knew what he wanted and that he fit all of my criteria, he even pointed out that he was 6’1!
We exchanged witty emails for a few days and then we decided that we should exchange photos. I went to work sending him a gorgeous black and white photo of myself that a friend had taken of me a few weeks prior.
I was a bit nervous that after all of our talking and chemistry, he wouldn’t find me attractive and that would be the end of it. I waited nervously until finally I received an email from him saying:
“Wow, I didn’t expect such a sexy young woman, you are beautiful and I cannot wait to spend time with you! I have attached a pic too, let me know what you think.”
My heart soared! Finally, after all my searching I had found someone that I clicked with and that found me attractive. Unless this guy was missing an eye, I just knew I would be attracted to him.
I clicked on the attachment and happily waited for it to load, when the photo opened on my computer screen I couldn’t believe my eyes.
It was a big white penis.

The Morning After

Even though DIVAS stays open till 4am, after all the drama we left early. Paige and Reese dropped me off and I walked into my apartment at 3:30 am ready to wash my face and crawl into bed.

Just as I was turning down the covers, my phone began to ring. It was a number I didn’t recognize, so I ignored it. As I was drifting off to sleep it rang again, same number. I answered:
“Hey sexy, where are you?” said a deep voice on the other end.
“I think you have the wrong number” I replied groggily.
“Is this Celeste?”
“Yeah, who is this?”
“It’s Darren, from the club… what, you forgot about me already?”
“Um, no but its almost 4am!”
“Oh… I’m sorry baby, are you in bed?” He asked.
I sighed, “Yes. I’m in bed.”
“Mmmmm” he said, “Can I join you?”
“C’mon, I’m in my car and I just left the club, tell me where you live and I can be there in 20 minutes. Baby, by the way you dance I know you are a freak!”
At the club Darren had asked questions about what I wanted out of life and complimented me on having goals and aspirations. We even talked about grabbing dinner sometime, and now I was just a “freak”? It was like he had turned into a pumpkin once the clock struck 4:00am.
“Mmmm baby, just tell me where you live so I can come over there and–“
I hung up the phone.

A Plus Size Piercing

A while ago, I decided to get a nose ring.

I grabbed two friends for moral support and went down to The Village to put a hole in my face.

We walked into the tattoo parlor where a man named Ahmed was working. I was so excited that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that Ahmed had no tattoos or piercings of his own. He stood there wearing khaki’s and a white button down shirt while I happily picked out a pink rhinestone.

I laid back, but my nose in Ahmed’s hands and in a few moments I felt the sting and burn… I had done it!

“Good…Breathe” Ahmed chanted over and over as he sterilized the “L” shaped post of my pink rhinestone stud.

Then he began to insert it into my nose.

Now, I have had my ears pierced since I was a kid and I know that it takes little effort to put earrings on in the morning. So, when five minutes passed and Ahmed was still wriggling the stud in and out of my nose, I knew something wasn’t right.

“Is there a problem?” I asked, with my eyes closed.

What Ahmed should have explained was that nose rings are “L” shaped so to put one in, you must slide it in and turn it so that the little part of the “L” hugs the inside of your nostril. Unfortunately the post of my nose ring was getting lost in my nose cartilage. Ahmed was having trouble getting it all the way through my nose.

But he didn’t say all of that. Instead he said:


I hadn’t cried from the pain but that statement made tears well up in my eyes. Was it even possible to have a “FAT NOSE”???

I didn’t know what to do, so I allowed him to insert a small hoop into my nose, the circle shape of the hoop would be easier to get it through since it required no “turning”.

“MUCH BETTER.” He said.

But I was miserable… a hoop???
I wanted a pink rhinestone stud. This was not the look I was going for!

The next morning I marched myself back down to the village and found the scariest tattoo parlor on Christopher Street. I was greeted by Jim, a man with an eyebrow ring, two hoops in his nose and he was covered in tattoos. He looked like he knew his stuff.

I explained my situation and sheepishly asked if my nose cartilage was “too (ahem) fat for a stud”.

“Not at all,” he replied his eyes softening. “All we have to do is adjust the curve of the “L” post and it will fit just fine.”

He took a pair of pliers made a quick adjustment and in 10 minutes I had a pink stud sparkling in my nose. I sat admiring my new nose ring in the mirror when Jim said,

“You know, I don’t think its possible to have a ‘fat’ nose.”

I wanted to kiss his tattooed face!

A BBW…Party?!?! (Part Two)

It was a strange feeling to be in a club and not feel invisible.

At DIVAS there were chubby chicks, curvy girls, fat ladies and everything in between and there was someone for everyone.

Paige and Reese knew everyone there and everyone there wanted to know me. Droves of men would come over and kiss Paige and Reese hello, and then wink at me, kiss my hand or ask “Who’s your friend?”

It felt nice.

“C’mon, lets dance” Reese said, grabbing my arm.

Now, when I hang out with my model friends Kenzie, Annie and Emilie, we hit the dance floor and inevitably they partner off with different guys, leaving me alone on the dance floor.

When Reese and I stepped onto the floor it was totally different.

Reese was a good dancer and I was working it too, Reese took my hand and twirled me around as we moved and swayed laughing, I felt all eyes on us. Two men made their way across the floor towards us.

With no words, one of the men slipped his hand around my waist and before I knew it, our legs were intertwined, my arms were around his shoulders and he was sliding his hands over my hips. I looked over at Reese, she caught my eye and winked.

His name was Darren, he was from New Jersey and he drove out to DIVAS whenever he could. He wore a little too much cologne, but he was a good dancer. We danced a few songs when I realized I hadn’t seen Paige in a while.

I caught a glimpse of her on one of the couches and made my way over.

“What’s up?” I asked. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just… waiting”


“I’m supposed to meet this guy Tony Lake, tonight.” she replied looking over my shoulder.

According to Paige, she met Tony Lake at one of the DIVAS parties a few weeks back and earlier in the week, they went on their first date. He invited her to a party, introduced her to some friends of his and at the end of the night told her about how he wanted to eventually settle down and have a family.

It was at that point that she slept with him.

“Anyway, we promised to meet here and I’m going home with him again tonight… There he is!” Paige shrieked.

She quickly downed the rest of her drink and smoothing her hair, she jumped up and pushed her way through the crowd, leaving me alone on the couch. Reese and I spent the rest of the night dancing with guys and enjoying the drinks some of them bought us. I was dancing with Darren again when Reese rushed over and grabbed my arm.

“Paige is outside. I need your help,” she said.

I was confused but before I could ask questions Reese was pulling me off the dance floor.

I followed Reese out of the club. As we turned the corner, I heard the sound of tires screeching as a red car sped past us. Paige was in the middle of the street running after the car and screaming at the top of her lungs.


I stood frozen as Reese ran over and took Paige by the shoulders, leading her out of the street and onto the sidewalk. Paige was sobbing, and Reese sat her down on a nearby bench. I reached into my purse for a tissue and handed it to Paige.

“I didn’t mean to make a scene,” Paige said “but he… he LIED! We were supposed to go home together tonight and he just left with another girl!”

“This is what happens when you hook up on the first date” Reese muttered.

Paige looked up at me, her wide eyes filled with tears “He introduced me to his friends! He said he was getting ready to start settling down!”

“I’m so sorry” I said, not knowing what else to say.

Reese stood up and pulled out her car keys “Tony Lake is a player,” she said. “There’s nothing we can really do about it now, Paige. Its late, so lets get the hell out of here.”

A BBW… Party?!?! (Part One)

I don’t have any plus size friends.

So, when my friend Ken brought his friend Paige to the movies one night I was surprised to see that she too was a Plus Size Princess. We hit it off and exchanged contact information.

A few days later she called and asked what I was doing that weekend. I didn’t have any plans.

“Have you ever been to a BBW party?”

“A what?”

I had no idea what she was talking about, so she explained that there are clubs dedicated to Big Beautiful Women (and men) and the guys (or girls) who love them.

I was speechless.

I flashed back to all the times I had gone out with my girlfriends and watched as they danced with guy after guy, while I was usually ignored. If there was a club that celebrated girls like me, that would change everything.

Paige said that she and her friend Reese would pick me up on Saturday night and we would all go out to “DIVAS”.

I spent the rest of the week deciding what I should wear. I finally decided on a knee length black halter dress with bright pink heels.

Paige and Reese pulled up to my apartment at 10pm and by 10:45 I was entering a night-club where I was the rule and not the exception.

We walked straight to the bar for a round of martinis. As I fished through my pink snakeskin clutch for cash, I felt a hand on the small of my back. I turned around and was face to face with a tall, Spanish looking man with curly hair and gorgeous light brown eyes.

He smiled and said, “Can I buy your drink?”

“Um, sure” I replied tossing my hair over my shoulder.

Reese and Paige exchanged knowing glances… this was going to be good!

Read Part Two Here

A Big Girl Rant: “You Have Such a Pretty Face!”

My straight guy friends (yes I have a few of those) mentioned a “Butterface” the other day.

Butterface: A girl who has a bangin’ body… but her face…is a mess.

Now, I’ve always heard “You have such a pretty face!” which I eventually realized is what people say to Plus size Princesses.

Why not just say “You’re pretty”?

Why is it necessary to specify that I am only attractive from the neck up?

Does this make me a Butterbody???

And don’t even get me started on people saying “You have a pretty smile” which excludes everything but a Big Girls teeth!

Thank God teeth can’t gain weight.

If it were possible to have fat teeth, some Big Girls would never get compliments at all!

A Big Girl and her Gays (Part 2)

I had a voicemail from James.

“Hey Celeste… its James. I miss you. I want to see you. Call me.”

I was getting tired of this homo/hetero limbo!

I had been avoiding him since Kenzie and I saw him at the beach. But I had to figure this out, if my gaydar and Kenzie’s gaydar had both been stumped, there was only one thing left to do.

I had to call in reinforcements… The Gays themselves.

I called Adam, explained everything and before I knew it he had arranged a cocktail party at his apartment for a few people, including Colin and Dean.

Adam has been my best friend since high school, Colin is his long time boyfriend and Dean is their friend who likes to call himself my “Big sister”.

“Bring James,” Adam said “If he’s a ‘Mo… we’ll let you know!”

The night of the cocktail party came quickly. I slipped on a pink off the shoulder dress and a pair of white espadrilles and went over to Adam’s apartment early to help them set up and have a pre-party drink to kill my nerves.

The doorbell rang and there was James in khaki’s and a blue polo shirt holding a bottle of wine and some flowers, he kissed me on the cheek and whispered “You look great”.

The night was a blast. We chatted and played games, James got along great with everyone who was there and stayed by my side the entire night. As we sat on the couch together James slipped his arm around me and began to casually play with my hair. It felt nice. Maybe he was straight… I could get used to this….

Suddenly, I could feel “Big Sister” Dean’s gaze from across the room, as he sat quietly sipping red wine.

Dean was never quiet.

I excused myself and when Dean saw me coming he jumped out of his chair and headed down the hall. I pushed him into the bathroom.

“Tell me NOW!” I hissed.

Dean sat on the ledge of the bathtub and crossed his legs “Girl, what are you talking about?”

“Dean! You know James is here for a gay appraisal!”

“Oh, is that what this is?” He began to laugh.

“Shhhh! Dean come on,” I whispered “What do you think about JAMES? Be honest!” I leaned against the sink waiting for an answer.

Dean stood up and walked over to me, he put a loving hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eyes and said

“James? hmph. She seems nice.”

“Skinny Bitches”

I walked into the gym the other day and was surprised to find a camera man filming on the cardio floor.
I found an elliptical machine behind him, so I wouldn’t be filmed during my session. As I began pedaling in place, a woman in a suit walked up to me with an index card in her hand.
“Hi, my name is Stacy. I’m with CBS news”
“Um… hi”
“We’re doing a story based on a recent study that was released saying that some women are less likely to work out as hard when they are working out next to ‘skinny bitches’. You know, those model types that don’t need to be here,” she said. “So could I ask you a few questions on camera?”
“I dont really fit that profile,” I replied.
“Oh,” she said.
There was a slight pause, “Does working out next to skinny people make you work out harder?” she asked with a big smile.
“No, I just don’t think about anyone else while I’m working out.”
“Oh… okay… well… that’s okay too. Thanks!” She replied and walked away.

A Glitch in the Gaydar

It had been a few weeks since I met James. We had been hanging out regularly, and he had invited me to a party at his friends beach house. I liked him and he seemed he liked me, so I agreed to go, but I still couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was gay.

I don’t know what it is but closeted gays are drawn to plus size princesses. My first love was a guy that chased me all through high school, spent the summer after our senior year telling me that we should be married, only to come out to me six months later.
During college I spent all my time with Dan, holding hands, kissing and spooning in my bed, until I found him spooning with our friend Greg.
Because of my experiences, I have honed an impeccable Gaydar; I use it, I trust it, I swear by it.
But James was throwing my Gaydar way off. I mean, every drink and dinner he bought me showed he was straight, but when I stalked him on facebook and found that his interests were “Dolce & Gabbana”, “Cooking” and “Architecture” I was sure he was gay.
My only girlfriend with a Gaydar that rivaled mine was Kenzie, so I called her.
“Hello?” she answered.
I took a deep breath and said, “You’re coming with me to a beach house this weekend to find out if the guy I’m dating is gay”
There was a slight pause.
“What time are we leaving?”
We rented a car and drove out to the Jersey Shore in record time, as we got to the house the aroma of meat on the grill greeted us and before we got to the porch James was jogging down the steps to greet us.
I introduced him to Kenzie and he insisted on taking our bags in for us. Kenzie raised an impressed eyebrow. After we got situated James took us around to meet his friends, the hosts were a newlywed couple James knew in college.
As I made conversation with the wife, I watched happily as Kenzie cornered James. We would have a gay/straight verdict before lunch!
I went out on the sand with a bottle of water and a magazine. An hour later, Kenzie plopped down beside me, I looked up from my magazine.
“Well? Is he gay? Straight?”
Then Kenzie said the worst thing she could say.
“I have no idea.”

Walk of Shame

It was a Friday night when my friend Kenzie called to announce that drinks were in order. Our other friends Annie and Kelsi both had dates, so Kenzie and I decided to venture out on our own.

I slipped on a black pencil skirt, with a wide leather belt and tucked in a fuschia cap-sleeved top that showed just the right amount of clevage. Pulling my hair into low side ponytail, I slipped into a pair of leather and wood wedges.
Then I grabbed my favorite clutch; threw in my cell phone, MetroCard, a credit card, License, and MAC lip-glass in pink poodle and I was on my way.
I already had a voicemail from Kenzie when I got off the subway saying she was outside of a bar called “Burbon Street” waiting for me.
Burbon Street is the kind of bar where you begin your night, the drinks are cheap and there’s a tiny dance floor, but you dont spend your whole evening there.
As I crossed the street towards the bar I could see Kenzie standing outside wearing a pair of skinny jeans must have been new because I had never seen them before, and a low cut black top. Her thin, 5’9 frame was extended to 5’11 in the black leather ankle boots she was wearing. She tossed her bone straight blonde hair over her shoulder as she talked to one of the bouncers.
“CeCe!” she called out to me as I approached. Then she turned to the bouncer, “This is my friend CeCe.”
“Hi,” I said cautiously.
I hate moments like this.
Seeing Kenzie, people automatically assume that her friends are just like her; model types with small variations like hair and eye color, but they dont ever imagine that Kenzie, who could give Heidi Klum a run for her money has a plus-size model type friend… me. Don’t get me wrong I know I am pretty, but in New York City, a pretty face doesn’t always cut it.
I watch as the bouncer looks me over and gives me a nod. “Go on in ladies” He says. We enter the bar and order drinks, a Vodka Tonic for Kenzie, a French Martini for me and we sit at the bar catching up.
As I look around my eyes fall on a pair of men who cant take their eyes off of Kenzie, they are looking our way and whispering to each other and although I can’t read their lips or hear them over the music, I know they are trying to decide which of them will take one for the team, be the “wing man” and talk to me. Of course Kenzie is totally oblivious to it all and is intently telling me about the craziness going on at her job right now.
Neither of the men are my type, I want to yell across the bar, I don’t want either one of you but instead I hop off of the bar stool as Kenzie is in mid-sentence.
“Watch my drink,” I say as I walk to the bathroom.
I dont really have to go, so I just stand there in the empty, dirty, dive bar bathroom slightly tipsy and I stare into the mirror… Wide eyes, Long lashes, high cheek bones, cute nose, pouty lips, smooth skin… how does it go wrong?
I emerge from the bathroom to find Kenzie sitting at the bar with the two men on either side of her. As I approach she tosses the rest of her drink back and hands me mine. “We were just about to leave.” She tells the men as I finish my drink and slide the martini glass onto the bar.
The cool evening air hits us as we step outside.
“Those guys were so odd, I just had to get out of there!” Kenzie says as we walk up the block. “Anyway, where do we want to go next?”
Before I can answer a group of stumbling frat boys crosses the street towards us. One of them looks up at me and calmly says “You’re fat and ugly.”
My face starts to burn. My ears are ringing so loudly that I barely realize Kenzie is screaming “You Fucking Ass-Hole!” and flipping the guy off.
She turns to me “What a dick.”
“Yeah,” I reply with a half smile.
“So, where are we going next?”
“I’m actually kind of tired, I think I’m done” I say, and with my feet blistering in my shoes, I walk the 20 blocks back to my apartment, as if the calories I burn on that walk will somehow ensure that I’m never spoken to like that again.