Curvy Conversations: The Odd Girl Out

Hello Lovelies! I was very humbled this week when I received an email from a reader asking me for advice. Since the things in this letter are definitely something I can relate to– I thought maybe it might be helpful for other readers as well:

Hi Celeste/CeCe.. not sure what I should call you, lol…

I really relate to your blog on SOO many levels, whether it be your partying experiences or your gay guy friends… I’m there with ya.

Last weekend was horrible for me… I am bigger than my extremely thin friends…
My friend had some guys visiting our college, and we all went to a house party. My roommate and I were meeting these guys for the first time. The boys (all of whom were pretty attractive) IGNORED the shit out of me and passed my roommate around, getting her number and promising that they’d come back to visit. For the duration of the party, I stood in the corner, sweating in this packed out house, feeling the ugliest *and fattest* I’ve ever felt, and wanting to go home. Those boys (and the rest of the boys at that party) made me feel that my diet/exercise efforts were in vain. It was so hard watching my girls go from guy to guy, having a blast, exchanging numbers, and then… there is me… sulking in the corner.

I know you aren’t a therapist.. but I have no one else that really understands!

-L.H. (Long Island, NY)

Hey Miss,

If I had a dollar for every time I stood against the wall feeling low while my (skinny) friends had the time of their lives, I just might be able to afford the Chanel bag I’ve been eyeing!

Being the bigger girl among model types is never easy, but the thing that stuck out to me from your letter was when you said your friend was being “passed around”. Isn’t it interesting that feeling like the “odd girl out” will make us want things that are actually ridiculous? I mean – beer bottles should be passed around… not women!

While out on The Scene, I’ve observed something interesting. There is always the skinny girl who shows up to the BBW club to support her plus size friend. These girls strut onto the dance floor with a certain confidence and as they watch the men ignore them and go for the chubby chicks, you can literally watch their “confidence” fade.

There will always be men who aren’t attracted to you no matter what your size. And if your level of self worth is contingent on how often you are passed around by a group of attractive jerks, you will never understand how valuable you truly are.

When we make the decision to change our bodies, I feel like we often forget that there’s some inside work that has to take place as well. Working on having pride in who we are and not what we look like is probably the hardest lesson ever, but I feel like one of the gifts of a weight struggle is the opportunity to find a level of self love so deep that a million Abercrombie models couldn’t take it away.

xoxo,
CeCe

P.S. If any of you have other questions or things you’d like to run by me, we could make “Curvy Conversations” a regular thing on TBGB. Email me your questions: nycece@gmail.com

Um… are we dating? (Part One)

It was a bright winter Sunday in New York City. My sister Denise was in town for the weekend and we were on our way to church. Church is something I look forward to, my faith is an important part of my life and its always lovely to worship with others.

But this Sunday I was nervous…

This Sunday, Robert was meeting me at church. Who is Robert? (Good question) Robert and I work for the same company and this would be our first time seeing each other outside of the office. Although Robert had been working at my company for a few months, it wasn’t until a work sponsored happy hour, two weeks ago, that he and I actually had a conversation. Since then his trips past my desk have gone from waves and smiles… to “hello’s”… to small talk… to him asking to come to church with me and me happily saying yes.

When I told Denise that a guy from my job would be worshipping with us, she raised an eyebrow. “Okay… that’s random– is this like, a ‘thing’?” she asked. And the truth was, I had no idea! I couldn’t tell if he was just nice or if he was interested in me. It wasn’t even worth thinking about because, after all of the mixed signals and false starts with Jeremy I was definitely gun shy.

Service was wonderful, as usual, and afterward Robert offered to walk my sister and me home. We were chatting casually when I heard my name being called from across the street. I looked over and it was Jeremy, he was exiting a cafe with a some friends. He waved them on and made his way across the street. I know he lives in the neighborhood, but of all the people for us to run into, why Jeremy?

“Hey Denise, I didn’t know you were in town this weekend,” he asked, giving my sister a hug. Then he turned to me. “Hey.”

My heart skipped a beat, “Hey, Jeremy– this is Robert.”

“Hey man,” Jeremy said shaking Roberts hand. We kept walking and Jeremy fell into step with us. I could not believe this was happening. “So do you two know each other from work or something?” Jeremy asked, rudely.

“Yup,” I could have killed him. His apartment wasn’t even in the direction we were going… this was crazy. I was trying to think of something to say when Jeremy chimed in with:

“Denise, did your sister tell you we had a hot date last week and she stood me up? We were supposed to have dinner.”

I could not believe it, Jeremy had asked to meet me for dinner and when I said I would be an hour late because of work, he claimed he was too tired and hungry to wait for me. But here he was making it sound like… like… it was something else completely. My face was hot, I didn’t want to over react in front of Robert, so I just said nothing.

“CeCe left me, sitting at the restaurant with a bowl of chips and guacamole– it was horrible…”

“Oh my gosh, Jeremy– You are so fired! That’s not what happened and you know it.” I said with a forced smile and left it at that. Fighting with Jeremy in front of Robert was not a good look.

“I’m fired, huh?” Jeremy said jokingly.

Then Robert chimed in, “Well if you’re firing people, that must mean your company has openings now, right?”

“Whoa! Listen dude,” Jeremy interrupted “Let me tell you about working for Celeste. You put in a lot of effort and you get a minimal return.”

It was said as a joke, so we all laughed. But the weight of that statement was so heavy I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until the moment was over. Finally we reached a major intersection where it was appropriate to part ways. Jeremy took off with a hand shake for Robert, a hug for Denise and an (unwelcome) kiss on the cheek for me. Robert thanked me for letting him come to church with me and quickly ran down into the subway station.

I stood on the street looking at Denise. Before I could speak she read my mind when she said:

“That… was a lot.”

The Fat Girl Flea Market

This weekend my stylist, JoJo, invited me to The Fat Girl Flea Market. As a PSP, finding vintage/used clothing in my size is like finding a needle in a hay stack. So for me, The Fat Girl Flea Market was a “must-attend”. Being the good PSP that I am, I invited my friend Dana to tag along. The plan was to meet up around 12pm, do a little shopping and then have brunch.

We walked into the room where the flea market was being held and it was bananas! There were piles of clothes on tables sorted by size ranging from 1x to 6x. Wedged between them were racks of dresses and coats, and wedged between them were PSP’s stripping down and trying on used clothing to their hearts content. For those of us who were more modest, an open dressing room was created with a partition in the middle of the room.

JoJo, Dana and I went our separate ways, at first I was a bit overwhelmed, but then I began to dig and found a few things that I liked. I was looking at a shimmery top when JoJo dragged a girl over to me. “This is her!” JoJo said, pointing to me. I looked at her blankly.

“CeCe, this is Josie…reads your blog… she’s a fan!”

I felt my face getting hot, JoJo and Dana know about my blog, but for some reason I feel like I can be more honest and open when I write anonymously. JoJo knows this, but I think she got caught up in the moment when she met Josie, and understandably so. Josie was super cute, with blunt bangs that hit just above her eyebrows, she had bright piercing eyes, high cheek bones and a warm smile.

“Hi…” I said slowly. I was still processing everything.

“I’m Josie – – I read your blog all the time!”

I looked at JoJo, who was beaming. Josie was grinning too, so I decided to embrace the moment.

“That’s so random…” I laughed nervously.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, I’m just so geeked-out right now!” Her smile then changed to a frown. “Where have you been?? You didn’t write at all last month!”

We laughed, I apologized and made some small talk. Josie was new to the city and so genuinely sweet, I couldn’t just leave her with a greeting and a goodbye, so I invited Josie to brunch with us.

I took my clothes (and my stylist) into the dressing room and began trying on the pieces I had pulled. Just as we were leaving, A girl who was without a doubt the smallest woman at the flea market was there trying on an adorable dress that we’d all been coveting but were unable to fit. She was a 14, the size where you can flip flop between mainstream and plus size clothing. I overheard another PSP compliment her on how she looked in the dress (and her ability to fit into it).

“Thanks,” she replied. “You know, I actually believe you! I have a thing about skinny women who compliment you in dressing rooms, because those bitches will lie and tell you how great you look in something and then get the same dress so they can out-do you! But if a woman is plus-size, she will tell you the truth!”

JoJo and I exchanged glances and walked out shaking our heads.

I left with 3 dresses, 1 skirt and a pair of yoga pants all for $22.00! We decided to walk up a few blocks to a restaurant in Chelsea that served unlimited mimosas on Saturdays.

Although I had spent time out and about with JoJo and Dana separately, as a rule, I was used to being the only PSP in the room when hanging out with my (skinny) friends. As we sat down at our table, I realized that (outside of The Scene) I had never hung out with this many PSP’s at one time before. I started thinking about how sitting at the table with Dana, JoJo and Josie called more attention to my size, this made me feel guilty until JoJo interrupted my thoughts when she said.

“Did you notice everyone looking at us when we walked in the restaurant?”

Okay! I wasn’t crazy… a flock of fat girls does draw a certain amount of attention. We laughed it off and toasted. Brunch was fun, Dana and JoJo hadn’t spent time together before, so it was interesting watching them get to know each other and we were all able to give little Josie advice and forewarning about starting to go out to the BBW clubs, which she plans to do later this month (maybe with a few chaperone’s).

As we paid our bill, two obviously gay men in matching bubble gum pink polo shirts walked by our table.

“This is the place to be!” one of them said, as he made his way over to our table. He shimmied up to Josie and looked down her shirt. “You need to put those away… even a gay man might get tempted!” and with that he reached over and grabbed her boob.

What a way to end the day….

A Big Girl Rant: Personal Trainers

Okay, this really isn’t a RANT, its more like a random thought… here goes!

I was chatting with some of my (skinny) girlfriends over brunch the other day, “complaining” about how and when men choose to approach us. One of my girls brought up a situation where a trainer at her gym was bothering her each week, insisting on giving her free training sessions. A few of the other girls chimed in with similar stories.

As they went on and on about turning down personal training sessions, I realized that this was something I had never experienced.

Aside from a crazy stalker who almost followed me into the women’s locker room when I was a member of Bally’s, I have to admit that I have never been hit on at the gym. As I am pumping away on the treadmill or elliptical I often watch trainers in their bright colored T-shirts walk over to women and help them or talk to them. But I always assumed that they were clients. Listening to my friends made me realize that some trainers are scanning the gym floor and deciding who they should offer their services to based on looks.

Honestly, I can’t be mad at them. I know when I’m at work, I only flirt with guys I find attractive, but I’m just wondering from a financial perspective why it hasn’t hit these guys to branch out.

I could be wrong, but I thought the point of the free training session was not to get dates, but to grow your client list and ultimately, to make money. So, instead of approaching the svelte fitness model chick, who really doesn’t need your help to maintain her body. Wouldn’t it make more sense for these guys to approach the girl who obviously has some weight to loose and a greater need to purchase their services?

Telling A Man How You Feel: Thoughts???

It was a brisk Friday night in the city and I was on a first date.

It had gone well; dinner, bowling and now Tyson was walking me home. Our chemistry wasn’t fireworks, but I saw potential and I needed someone (anyone!) to make me feel like letting go of Jeremy was a good choice.

I know I can be traditional (sometimes to a fault). Waiting for the man to call… to ask me out… to move things forward, etc. So I decided I would do my best not to hold Tyson to my normal high standards. I ignored it when he didnt rush to open doors for me. I was pleasantly surprised when he paid for everything and I hid my annoyance as we walked home and he let me walk on the outside (closest to the traffic).

When we got to my apartment, things went as they usually do after a first date. There was nervous chatter, a few awkward pauses and then I said “Well, I had fun!” That’s when Tyson did something unexpected. He looked at me for a moment and said “You did? Hmmm… You’re really hard to read.”

“I am?”

“Yes, you are… most girls are pretty obvious when they like a guy.”

“I guess I’m not like most girls…”

He Nodded. “So, what do you think about this… about, us?”

I didnt know what to do, I had never been asked how I wanted to move forward before and I didnt like it. I would have prefered a simple hug/kiss and a goodnight, to wait a few days and voila! he’d call me… this was hard! It was then that I remembered my comitment to do things differently, to step away from my rules and traditions. My stomach tightened:

“I– I like you, I think, um, I think that this is good! I would like to see you again.” I wanted to frown, but remembered to smile.

“Great!” He replied and swept me up in a big long hug. He kissed me on the cheek, watched me as I entered my building. 30 minutes later I got a text message “I’m home”, I replied with “thanks again, I had fun”, to which he sent a “:-)”

This was over a month ago, and I never heard from Tyson again. This is why I hate putting myself out there. Why would he ask me what I thought if he knew he wasnt really that interested? It doesnt make any sense to me! Did he just want an ego stroke?

Of course it was easy to express myself to Tyson because I was indifferent about dating him. He was more of an excersize, but what about when a guy who I am seriously interested in asks me how I feel? This is just another reason I feel like it makes more sense to let the guy take the lead in matters of the heart.

Thoughts???

A Night at The Big Girl Club

BBW parties arent something that you can find everywhere, so I thought I’d offer a glimpse into a night on The Scene. The different BBW parties, which I call “Divas”, “Rewind” and “Satellite” respectively all have a different crowds. On this particular night, I was at Rewind.

Its always nice to see PSP’s dressing to show off their curves, on any given night, you will see form fitting dresses, mini skirts and low cut tops.

The DJ is always good at “Rewind” (“Divas” is a different story, since their DJ is an older man who seems a bit out of touch). But at “Rewind” you will always find a place to groove either in the Hip-Hop or Reggae room.


The clubs on the scene are very accepting… there’s not a lot of pretentiousness like you’d find at other NYC clubs. Everyone is welcome…

…and I mean EVERYONE!

People come to have a good time and dance, but who knows, you may just find love in the club!

Large(girl) Lessons: If you like me, dont call me fat.

Good Morning Class!

I’m not sure how many guys read TBGB, but if you’re a male and attracted to PSP’s, then this lesson is for you.

Last night I was at a birthday party in the East Village. The place was tiny, the DJ was good and I looked cute in dark wash jeans and a yellow strapless top with a sweetheart neckline. I was dancing with friends when a guy gently grabbed my wrist. I let him pull me away from my friends for a dance. That’s when he pulled me close and quickly ruined the moment by whispering in my ear: “I loooove big girls”

I know I am big… I know it! There is no need for you to remind me of my size when you are hitting on me. I can bet that none of my skinny friends have had a man tell them “I loooove small women”. You are stating the obvious! I am smart enough to gather that if you are approaching me, you don’t have a problem with my size. So there is no need to say things like:

“I like a girl with meat on her bones”, “Big girls need love too” or to refer to how much smaller you are (i.e. “you don’t mind a skinny guy like me?”)

All of these things make me feel like a freak show, a fetish, a play thing. Now that I think about it… if you’re approaching me like that, maybe that’s how you actually see me.

But if you really want to get to know me, leave my size out of it. Trust me, if you give me the proper romantic attention I will understand your attraction to my body.

Class Dismissed.

New Years Kiss: To Be Continued….

I’m sorry I haven’t been updating you lately but things have gotten sticky with Jeremy. I keep messing up… he keeps messing up… basically everything is a mess!

But before I get into that, I have to say that you all are the best readers ever! An anonymous reader left a comment on my last New Years Kiss post, that really got me thinking… she said a lot of great things but the part that stuck out to me was when she said:

“Take it from a slightly older PSP – ASK HIM. You have been assuming, analyzing, guessing and creating all kinds of scenarios in your pretty little head. Four times throughout all of these installments I just wanted to yell at you “JUST ASK HIM!! You’re creating more drama for yourself. He’s not a mind reader – if he’s an ass, then so be it, but if he’s just a clueless boy who doesn’t get that he’s confusing you (as most boys are)then speak up or you might throw away something good. Don’t make decisions based on instinct alone.” -Anonymous

Then Ms. Louisa chimed in with this:

“Hey Ce-Ce, I have to agree with anonymous. I too almost wrote something similar with this post but am assuming there’s already an end in sight that you will reveal in due course (hopefully soon!) If there’s not though, I really agree you just need to be honest. What do you have to lose?” -Louisa

Ms. Anonymous, when I read your comment I knew you were on to something, but I’ve never been the girl who can make the first move, first admission, first… anything! Call me old fashioned, but I’ve always waited for the guy to lead the way. Your note did inspire me but just when I’d get the courage to lay things out, something would happen. He’d do something to frustrate me or I’d do something to frustrate him. Or we’d have random encounters that just don’t help anything, like last week:

Last week, I ran into Jeremy at a restaurant near my apartment. He was with his best friend, Charlotte (who lives in my neighborhood). I was with a male friend of mine– someone taller, older and more established than Jeremy. It wasn’t a date, but Jeremy seemed really taken aback to see us together. I tried to play the whole thing off as no big deal, but the next day Jeremy sent me sarcastic text messages asking if I “had fun”. Since then when I’ve tried to make plans with him he’s too busy for me, which of course makes me not want to even think about putting my heart on the line with him.

To answer Ms. Louisa’s question, there isn’t really an end in sight right now. Sometimes I think of how cute it would be if I were chronicling the love story of CeCe & Jeremy while curled up next to him in the bed. Instead, during every twist and turn of this emotional roller coaster, I take a moment to write it all down here.

Jeremy is so important to me, but things just aren’t happening for us right now. As much as I care for him, I need him to want more and right now and I don’t think he does… hopefully you will keep reading, but I just can’t be sustained by compliments and stolen kisses.

I’ve Been “Outed” as Fat!!

I jumped out of the shower, and danced down the hallway to my bedroom. I had just purchased a new shade of eyeshadow, Beyonce was blaring from my speakers and my curling iron was heating up next to a glass of wine… I was going out!

It had been ages since Dana and I been to any clubs on The Scene. Tonight we were going to DIVAS and I was ready to dance and get my mind off of Jeremy. As I snapped my fingers and hummed along with Beyonce, my phone rang. It was my best friend, Adam.

“Hey, do you have plans tonight?”

My stomach tightened a bit. Adam and I had been friends since forever, I told him everything… everything except that I sometimes went to clubs for big girls and the guys who are attracted to them. I keep this from him because, that’s what closeted fat girl‘s do.

“Tonight? Um… I told my friend I’d go to a party with her,” I said, pleased that I was able to answer that question truthfully.

“Oh, cool… where?” He asked.

“Um, somewhere downtown… I need to look up the address.”

I wasn’t exactly lying to Adam, but I was withholding information, which I hated. I quickly got off the phone with him before he could ask more questions and went back to getting ready. Its funny, when I go out to mainstream clubs, I often feel like I put a whole bunch of effort into looking cute, only to be ignored. While my skinny friends can go out in dirty jeans and an old t-shirt and get approached by guys all night. So when I get dressed to go out on The Scene, it feels like there’s actually a means to an end when I get dolled up.

For this particular evening I kept it simple: Light-wash jeans (tucked into black Ugg boots) a black off the shoulder top, and a purple shoulder bag with a big bow on the front. It was warm but NYC winter standards, so I covered up with my leather motorcycle jacket and a paisley pashmina.
I walked into DIVAS, paid the cover charge (augh!) and got in line to check my coat.

“CeCe?” I heard a male voice say.

I turned around and froze. It was Matthew… Matthew lived with my friend Jason… and Jason is a CLOSE friend of… ADAM… my best friend! I was being outed. All I could think was “damage control”, so I jumped right in:

“Hey!”

“Wow, good to see you!” he said, hugging me.

“Yeah, um– you too,” my voice was a few octaves higher than usual.

“I’ve never seen you here before… do you come here often?”

“Nope, this is my first time…” I lied.

I felt like I was regaining control of the situation, by pretending that I was new to The Scene. Then, as if on cue; Maggie and Jane (regulars at DIVAS with whom I have become friendly) entered the club, when they saw me at coat check, they came at me shrieking simultaneously:

“Oh my GAWD!” “CeCe!” “We’ve missed you!!!” “Where have you been?” “You never called me back!”

I could feel my face getting hot. “I’m sorry, I have to go to the ladies room!” I blurted out. I pushed past them, saw Dana at the bar and motioned for her to follow me into the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” Dana asked as she rushed in after me.

I explained everything.

“BAHAHAHA!!!” Dana has a habit of laughing in my face about things that stress me out and in this case I couldn’t blame her. The way we approached our weight and our lives as PSP’s was very different. She was forthright about her size and had told most of her friends and family about the BBW parties, while I chose it keep it a secret. It seemed like my silence was catching up to me and she was enjoying every minute of it.

I, on the other hand was freaking out, until I remembered something: The first time I met Matthew, I could have sworn that he was attracted to me by the way he interacted with me. Of course I have a big girl complex where I assume men are never attracted to me, so I pushed the thought aside quickly, but apparently, I was right. I knew I needed to get over being discovered at a big girl club and I had already paid the cover (augh!), so I wasn’t going home. I decided to make the most of the night. I composed myself and went out on the dance floor where I caught a glimpse of Matthew grinding on a hefty woman in a green dress. A short man with nicely toned arms grabbed Dana and they began dancing. I couldn’t let this situation keep me from doing my thing on the dance floor, so I too began to move and spent the night dancing and flirting.

Soon I found myself at the bar, needing a bottle of water but ordering a french martini. A hand, holding a $20 bill slid onto the bar on my left side. I turned around and it was Matthew, “I’ve got it” he said. I thanked him and began to explain my awkward behavior. I was searching for the words to politely beg him not to “out” me to my friends when he leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“Listen, I don’t want to be weird or anything but… I love this club. I love the women here, I think they are so sexy… but its something I do on my own time, do you know what I mean? and now that I’m dating Lisa, I just don’t think my coming here is something she’d be too happy…”

Before he could finish his sentence, the hefty girl in the green dress came up over and wrapped her arms around him. “Hey sexy” he said, giving her a squeeze. I smiled to hide my disbelief. Lisa was a girl I had met a few times and she could not have been more than a size 6. He was in a relationship with Lisa, but spent “his time” hugged up with a woman three times her size.

“So,” he continued. “Can we keep this between us?”

It was then that I realized… I wasn’t the only one scared of being outed.

“Sure, its between us.”

A New Years Kiss Gone Wrong (Instant Message Edition)

It was Monday morning and I was exhausted. I went to get some coffee and when I came back to my desk an Instant Message was blinking on the screen.

Jeremy: hey

It was 9:30am and I hadn’t spoken to Jeremy since Saturday… I was not ready for this!

CeCe: good morning
Jeremy: hows work?
CeCe: everythings fine
Jeremy: Lets talk
CeCe: okay… what about?
Jeremy: The other night…

Okay, I really was not ready for this! I had so many questions for him… but I was afraid to ask them. Plus I hate IMing… I need to see a persons face when we’re talking… or at least hear their voice! Augh… I’d have to play this cool and let him lead the conversation.

CeCe: Okay, what’s up?
Jeremy: Everyone’s saying that I was really out of it on Sat. but I cant remember anything! What’s your take?
CeCe: I dunno… one minute you were fine and the next minute you were passed out in Charlotte’s car
Jeremy: Man… I haven’t done that since college

I wasn’t sure what to say next! Are you dating Maya? Why did you avoid me half the night? Do you remember kissing me? Did you mean it when you said you were in love with me? Instead I settled on:

CeCe: I felt like I wasn’t allowed to talk to you that night
Jeremy: Really? Why?
CeCe: I dunno… I just did
Jeremy: Ok
CeCe: You don’t have anything to say?
Jeremy: Not really… you don’t know why you felt like that and neither do I.

(A few minutes passed… which in IM-land is an eternity)

CeCe: Is there anything you want to tell me?


(A minute more…)

Jeremy: Nope. Nothing. Enough about Saturday though, What’s up? How are you?
CeCe: I’m fine
Jeremy: No… really. How are you?

I wanted to say…. What do you want me to say, Dude?? I’m confused because I think you like me but it looks like you are involved with someone else! I’m frustrated because you keep doing things to make me think its okay to like you back and then you constantly let me down! I’m tired of this drama and I really think I need to take a step back from you!!!

Instead I settled on:

CeCe: I’m fine… silly
Jeremy: I’m just trying to break down that wall that you hold up so well. Even though you want everyone else to break down theirs.
CeCe: That’s sweet
Jeremy: That’s all I get, huh?

I sat there staring at my computer screen… I wanted to explain that there was so much he could get from me, if only he would make up his mind! Instead I settled on:

CeCe: Maybe when you’re done breaking down everyone else’s walls, you just might have enough time/energy for mine.
Jeremy: That wasn’t a double entendre was it?
CeCe: You can take it how you like
Jeremy: Whoa! Damn, girl that was kinda sexy 😉
CeCe: TTYL