Turn The Paige (part two)

The more I attended the BBW parties, the more I became aware of a stereotype: Fat chicks are desperate.

There was a certain level of wooing that some men didn’t feel the need to do at the big girl club, its like they assume that a big girl will just take what she can get.

I can recall watching a guy walk up to a gorgeous plus size diva and asking her (in the most vulgar way) if she wanted to have sex.

Another night, I noticed a man who, instead of paying to get into the club, lurked around outside asking the women who walked out if they wanted to come home with him.

Of course those are extreme examples but from the way Tony Lake treated Paige, I felt like “fat chicks are desperate” was an unspoken opinion with a lot of these guys. I knew Tony Lake wasn’t the type of guy I’d be interested in, he was just a hot guy that was fun to dance with.

Was I wrong? Should I have ignored his advances?

I kept replaying the events in my head: I barely say two words to Tony Lake, Paige kinda throws herself at him, he turns her down, and seeks me out, now Paige is mad at me.

In the end I think Tony Lake only went after me because I didn’t give him the attention he was used to getting from women at DIVAS. I knew it wasn’t my place, but a small part of me wanted to suggest to Paige that maybe her actions were playing into the big girl stereotype of desperation.

I was lost in my thoughts when the music suddenly stopped. The lights in the club came up half way and the voice of a female came over the sound system.

“Alriiight, Ladies and Gentleman…. its time for tonight’s lingerie show!”

This was the part about DIVAS that I could really do without, every Saturday night there was time set aside for a few of the women to participate or compete in events for entertainment. So far I had seen a “Big Butt Contest” a “Kissing Contest” and a “Cleavage Contest” this was the time when most of the men grabbed a seat and most of the women went out to smoke.

I went outside and found Paige and Reese huddled in conversation, when I approached they both fell silent. Paige tossed her hair over her shoulder and blew smoke up to the sky.

“We’re ready to go,” she said.

We piled into the car and rode up the highway in silence. After a while I leaned forward a little in my seat.

“Paige, are we okay?” I asked.

There was more silence.

“I guess” she replied coolly “I mean, you didn’t really know about our rule, so… I can’t really be mad at you.”

“Rule?”

“Yeah, if I see a guy and I call him, he’s mine.”

“Call him?”

Reese chimed in “Yeah, like… if a fine-ass guy walks in and I see him first, I’ll say to Paige ‘he’s mine’, that makes him off limits”

I couldn’t bring myself to ask “what if he’s not interested in you” but I did try to explain that when I went out with my skinny friends, we never had rules like this, but Paige and Reese weren’t having it. They had a method and they were sticking to it.

I felt like they were giving me an ultimatum. These were my first BBW friends, this was my first BBW club experience, but this concept sounded outrageous to me and I couldn’t agree to follow it. They dropped me off at my apartment and honestly, I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from them the next time they decided to go out.

Maybe this is what happens when a group of women, who often find themselves ignored, discover a place where they are celebrated by the opposite sex, the stakes get ridiculously high. And often when the stakes are high people get… desperate.

A Big Girl Rant: Mainstream Fashion

Last week I got an early birthday present from my parents: A Betsey Johnson Hobo Bag from the “Lotsa Luck” collection. Its a gorgeous, yet functional bag with a fun leopard print lining and an adorable horseshoe charm that hangs from the zipper.

The “Lotsa Luck” collection isn’t new, but I fell in love with the bag a while ago and it sold out very quickly, making it a rare find and a fantastic gift.

I’ve always loved fashion, let me rephrase… I’ve always loved clothes, but have had to struggle in my relationship with fashion. Any big girl can find clothes if she wants to, but for a Plus Size Princess to stay fashionable… that’s a different story.

For the past few days I’ve been trotting around New York City with my Betsey, and I can’t help but think about how, because of my size, the only mainstream fashion items I am allowed to sport are accessories – Bags, Earrings, Sunglasses, Hats etc. and even then I’m not completely allowed, like the other day:

I walked into a boutique in the fashion district with a friend and while she jumped straight into the trendy tops and dresses, I hung out near the front of the store looking at some necklaces and rings. A rack of knit hats caught my eye, I walked over to them and as I turned the tag over to look at the price the store owner blurted out “They’re all the same size!”

Even though I love shopping its always been something I’ve done alone or with family, never with girlfriends, because I’ve always been the only plus size girl in my group of friends. Last summer I had a fashion emergency (dont ask) and had to duck into an Ashley Stewart store. Kenzie was with me and even though she probably thought nothing of it, I was so embarrassed. When I was in high school, I adopted the answer “I don’t remember” when girls asked me where I got my clothes. I guess as a 16 year old, the idea of telling my size 2 friends that they’d have to go to Lane Bryant to get the dress they admired on me wasn’t very appealing.

Yes, I know that now some designers are extending themselves to the plus size market, but whether its the sizing (I tried on a Michael Kors winter jacket in a 3x and laughed as I tried to zip it closed) the design (Tommy Hilfiger, must imagine his plus size patrons to all be over the age of 55) or even the name of the line (as a person who never really lost her baby fat, “Baby Phat” isn’t something I want stretched across my body) there always seems to be something awkward about the clothes mainstream designers make for us.

After I finish this entry I’m off to the gym, as I put in time and effort to loose weight, I’ve decided that I just want to get small enough to wear mainstream clothes. I think most mainstream shops go up to a size 10/12. That might be my goal. I have a ways to go, but sometime in the near future I’d like to stop saying “I don’t remember” when people ask me where I got my outfit.

Turn the Paige (part one)

Paige decided to host her birthday party at DIVAS in two weeks, so she got dressed up, made fliers and brought them to pass out at the club. As she strutted around reminding the cute guys (and some of the girls) to make sure they were there for her special day, so they could buy her a drink, Reese and I hung out at the bar chatting.
We had just ordered a round of martinis when a tall, chocolate, muscular man in a black button down shirt and dark wash jeans approached us.
“Reese, how are you?” he said leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek. They began to converse, all the while the mans eyes continually met mine. I quietly sipped my drink, listening to their conversation and shyly glancing away when he held my gaze for too long. After a few minutes of our visual cat and mouse, he looked at me with a chuckle and said,
“You’re so quiet… What’s your name?”
“I’m Ce–” Before I could reply Paige’s voice interrupted me.
“OH-MY-GOD!” she shrieked as she approached us. She walked straight over to the guy and gave him a big hug.
“Hey sexy,” she said tossing her hair over her shoulder. She handed him a flier, “You better be there”.
“Yeah maybe,” he mumbled stuffing the flier in his pocket.
“Wanna dance?” Paige said grabbing his hand.
“I’m not really in the mood to dance,” he replied pulling his hand away.
“C’mon! Just one dance”
“I’m really tired”
“Okay, maybe later?”
“Yeah… maybe,” he replied. “I’ll be back” and with that he walked away.
The moment he left Paige began to complain to Reese about him, saying that she couldn’t believe he would show his face and talk to her as if nothing happened. They went back and forth for a while when I finally interrupted to ask who exactly that guy was.
Paige turned to me, “Celeste, that was Tony Lake!
Great, the tallest, most chocolate, most built guy I had seen at DIVAS just happens to be the guy who recently broke my friends heart. As I stood processing this new information, Paige and Reese went outside to smoke.
Being alone in a club even for a moment is always awkward for me, but I don’t smoke so I made my way towards the couches on the other side of the dance floor. As I navigated through the swaying bodies I felt a hand gently catch my wrist. I knew before I looked up that it was Tony Lake.
“Dance with me,” he said.
“I thought you didn’t want to dance”
“C’mon… Dance with me,” he whispered in my ear.
“I can’t,” I said reluctantly.
“Why not?”
“You know why… You–“
Before I could finish my sentence he had already pulled me close to him. I wanted to stop, but I took in the smell of his cologne and got lost. He was so tall, through his button down shirt I could see the definition of his chest, broad shoulders, and having his well defined arms wrapped around me felt amazing.
We rocked and swayed to the beat in silence, his face buried in my hair when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and there was Paige.
EEK!

Computer Love

I can remember being a young girl and wishing I could send out a mass message across the United States to any and all boys who liked (or didn’t mind) big girls. In my fantasy, I would line all the boys up, walk up and down the line and pick one (or two) so I could finally have a boyfriend.

I knew there were boys out there who would like a girl like me, but it was just a matter of finding them.
Fast Forward to my adulthood and that long line of males who’d like a plus size princess of their own has become a reality, with the help of the Internet.
When I moved to New York City, online dating was NOT an option, I mean isn’t that where ax-murderers find their victims? But after a long time passed and I realized that I was mostly being approached by homeless men with missing teeth, I started to look into it.
A quick look here proved my point, there were men looking for big girls.
So I began my search for the man of my dreams, I took time and wrote out an ad detailing what I was looking for, the major criteria being:
1.) Height (6’+)
2.) Intelligence
3.) Religion (Christian please)
Note: Race NOT important
I published my post online and in minutes my inbox was full of responses! To my dismay many were written in poor or broken English with spelling errors, so those emails were quickly deleted (please see criteria #2).
Then I got a beautifully written note with a photo attached, from an Asian man. At the end he mentioned that he was 5’5 and he hoped that wouldn’t be a problem once we got to know each other. (please see criteria #1!)
I was just about to lose hope when, I got a charming email from a man who said he liked that I knew what he wanted and that he fit all of my criteria, he even pointed out that he was 6’1!
We exchanged witty emails for a few days and then we decided that we should exchange photos. I went to work sending him a gorgeous black and white photo of myself that a friend had taken of me a few weeks prior.
I was a bit nervous that after all of our talking and chemistry, he wouldn’t find me attractive and that would be the end of it. I waited nervously until finally I received an email from him saying:
“Wow, I didn’t expect such a sexy young woman, you are beautiful and I cannot wait to spend time with you! I have attached a pic too, let me know what you think.”
My heart soared! Finally, after all my searching I had found someone that I clicked with and that found me attractive. Unless this guy was missing an eye, I just knew I would be attracted to him.
I clicked on the attachment and happily waited for it to load, when the photo opened on my computer screen I couldn’t believe my eyes.
It was a big white penis.

The Morning After

Even though DIVAS stays open till 4am, after all the drama we left early. Paige and Reese dropped me off and I walked into my apartment at 3:30 am ready to wash my face and crawl into bed.

Just as I was turning down the covers, my phone began to ring. It was a number I didn’t recognize, so I ignored it. As I was drifting off to sleep it rang again, same number. I answered:
“Hello?”
“Hey sexy, where are you?” said a deep voice on the other end.
“I think you have the wrong number” I replied groggily.
“Is this Celeste?”
“Yeah, who is this?”
“It’s Darren, from the club… what, you forgot about me already?”
“Um, no but its almost 4am!”
“Oh… I’m sorry baby, are you in bed?” He asked.
I sighed, “Yes. I’m in bed.”
“Mmmmm” he said, “Can I join you?”
“EXCUSE ME??”
“C’mon, I’m in my car and I just left the club, tell me where you live and I can be there in 20 minutes. Baby, by the way you dance I know you are a freak!”
At the club Darren had asked questions about what I wanted out of life and complimented me on having goals and aspirations. We even talked about grabbing dinner sometime, and now I was just a “freak”? It was like he had turned into a pumpkin once the clock struck 4:00am.
“Mmmm baby, just tell me where you live so I can come over there and–“
I hung up the phone.

A Plus Size Piercing

A while ago, I decided to get a nose ring.

I grabbed two friends for moral support and went down to The Village to put a hole in my face.

We walked into the tattoo parlor where a man named Ahmed was working. I was so excited that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that Ahmed had no tattoos or piercings of his own. He stood there wearing khaki’s and a white button down shirt while I happily picked out a pink rhinestone.

I laid back, but my nose in Ahmed’s hands and in a few moments I felt the sting and burn… I had done it!

“Good…Breathe” Ahmed chanted over and over as he sterilized the “L” shaped post of my pink rhinestone stud.

Then he began to insert it into my nose.

Now, I have had my ears pierced since I was a kid and I know that it takes little effort to put earrings on in the morning. So, when five minutes passed and Ahmed was still wriggling the stud in and out of my nose, I knew something wasn’t right.

“Is there a problem?” I asked, with my eyes closed.

What Ahmed should have explained was that nose rings are “L” shaped so to put one in, you must slide it in and turn it so that the little part of the “L” hugs the inside of your nostril. Unfortunately the post of my nose ring was getting lost in my nose cartilage. Ahmed was having trouble getting it all the way through my nose.

But he didn’t say all of that. Instead he said:

“YOUR NOSE IS TOO FAT.”

I hadn’t cried from the pain but that statement made tears well up in my eyes. Was it even possible to have a “FAT NOSE”???

I didn’t know what to do, so I allowed him to insert a small hoop into my nose, the circle shape of the hoop would be easier to get it through since it required no “turning”.

“MUCH BETTER.” He said.

But I was miserable… a hoop???
I wanted a pink rhinestone stud. This was not the look I was going for!

The next morning I marched myself back down to the village and found the scariest tattoo parlor on Christopher Street. I was greeted by Jim, a man with an eyebrow ring, two hoops in his nose and he was covered in tattoos. He looked like he knew his stuff.

I explained my situation and sheepishly asked if my nose cartilage was “too (ahem) fat for a stud”.

“Not at all,” he replied his eyes softening. “All we have to do is adjust the curve of the “L” post and it will fit just fine.”

He took a pair of pliers made a quick adjustment and in 10 minutes I had a pink stud sparkling in my nose. I sat admiring my new nose ring in the mirror when Jim said,

“You know, I don’t think its possible to have a ‘fat’ nose.”

I wanted to kiss his tattooed face!

A BBW…Party?!?! (Part Two)

It was a strange feeling to be in a club and not feel invisible.

At DIVAS there were chubby chicks, curvy girls, fat ladies and everything in between and there was someone for everyone.

Paige and Reese knew everyone there and everyone there wanted to know me. Droves of men would come over and kiss Paige and Reese hello, and then wink at me, kiss my hand or ask “Who’s your friend?”

It felt nice.

“C’mon, lets dance” Reese said, grabbing my arm.

Now, when I hang out with my model friends Kenzie, Annie and Emilie, we hit the dance floor and inevitably they partner off with different guys, leaving me alone on the dance floor.

When Reese and I stepped onto the floor it was totally different.

Reese was a good dancer and I was working it too, Reese took my hand and twirled me around as we moved and swayed laughing, I felt all eyes on us. Two men made their way across the floor towards us.

With no words, one of the men slipped his hand around my waist and before I knew it, our legs were intertwined, my arms were around his shoulders and he was sliding his hands over my hips. I looked over at Reese, she caught my eye and winked.

His name was Darren, he was from New Jersey and he drove out to DIVAS whenever he could. He wore a little too much cologne, but he was a good dancer. We danced a few songs when I realized I hadn’t seen Paige in a while.

I caught a glimpse of her on one of the couches and made my way over.

“What’s up?” I asked. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just… waiting”

“For…?”

“I’m supposed to meet this guy Tony Lake, tonight.” she replied looking over my shoulder.

According to Paige, she met Tony Lake at one of the DIVAS parties a few weeks back and earlier in the week, they went on their first date. He invited her to a party, introduced her to some friends of his and at the end of the night told her about how he wanted to eventually settle down and have a family.

It was at that point that she slept with him.

“Anyway, we promised to meet here and I’m going home with him again tonight… There he is!” Paige shrieked.

She quickly downed the rest of her drink and smoothing her hair, she jumped up and pushed her way through the crowd, leaving me alone on the couch. Reese and I spent the rest of the night dancing with guys and enjoying the drinks some of them bought us. I was dancing with Darren again when Reese rushed over and grabbed my arm.

“Paige is outside. I need your help,” she said.

I was confused but before I could ask questions Reese was pulling me off the dance floor.

I followed Reese out of the club. As we turned the corner, I heard the sound of tires screeching as a red car sped past us. Paige was in the middle of the street running after the car and screaming at the top of her lungs.

“WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!”

I stood frozen as Reese ran over and took Paige by the shoulders, leading her out of the street and onto the sidewalk. Paige was sobbing, and Reese sat her down on a nearby bench. I reached into my purse for a tissue and handed it to Paige.

“I didn’t mean to make a scene,” Paige said “but he… he LIED! We were supposed to go home together tonight and he just left with another girl!”

“This is what happens when you hook up on the first date” Reese muttered.

Paige looked up at me, her wide eyes filled with tears “He introduced me to his friends! He said he was getting ready to start settling down!”

“I’m so sorry” I said, not knowing what else to say.

Reese stood up and pulled out her car keys “Tony Lake is a player,” she said. “There’s nothing we can really do about it now, Paige. Its late, so lets get the hell out of here.”

A BBW… Party?!?! (Part One)

I don’t have any plus size friends.

So, when my friend Ken brought his friend Paige to the movies one night I was surprised to see that she too was a Plus Size Princess. We hit it off and exchanged contact information.

A few days later she called and asked what I was doing that weekend. I didn’t have any plans.

“Have you ever been to a BBW party?”

“A what?”

I had no idea what she was talking about, so she explained that there are clubs dedicated to Big Beautiful Women (and men) and the guys (or girls) who love them.

I was speechless.

I flashed back to all the times I had gone out with my girlfriends and watched as they danced with guy after guy, while I was usually ignored. If there was a club that celebrated girls like me, that would change everything.

Paige said that she and her friend Reese would pick me up on Saturday night and we would all go out to “DIVAS”.

I spent the rest of the week deciding what I should wear. I finally decided on a knee length black halter dress with bright pink heels.

Paige and Reese pulled up to my apartment at 10pm and by 10:45 I was entering a night-club where I was the rule and not the exception.

We walked straight to the bar for a round of martinis. As I fished through my pink snakeskin clutch for cash, I felt a hand on the small of my back. I turned around and was face to face with a tall, Spanish looking man with curly hair and gorgeous light brown eyes.

He smiled and said, “Can I buy your drink?”

“Um, sure” I replied tossing my hair over my shoulder.

Reese and Paige exchanged knowing glances… this was going to be good!

Read Part Two Here

A Big Girl Rant: “You Have Such a Pretty Face!”

My straight guy friends (yes I have a few of those) mentioned a “Butterface” the other day.

Butterface: A girl who has a bangin’ body… but her face…is a mess.

Now, I’ve always heard “You have such a pretty face!” which I eventually realized is what people say to Plus size Princesses.

Why not just say “You’re pretty”?

Why is it necessary to specify that I am only attractive from the neck up?

Does this make me a Butterbody???

And don’t even get me started on people saying “You have a pretty smile” which excludes everything but a Big Girls teeth!

Thank God teeth can’t gain weight.

If it were possible to have fat teeth, some Big Girls would never get compliments at all!

A Big Girl and her Gays (Part 2)

I had a voicemail from James.

“Hey Celeste… its James. I miss you. I want to see you. Call me.”

I was getting tired of this homo/hetero limbo!

I had been avoiding him since Kenzie and I saw him at the beach. But I had to figure this out, if my gaydar and Kenzie’s gaydar had both been stumped, there was only one thing left to do.

I had to call in reinforcements… The Gays themselves.

I called Adam, explained everything and before I knew it he had arranged a cocktail party at his apartment for a few people, including Colin and Dean.

Adam has been my best friend since high school, Colin is his long time boyfriend and Dean is their friend who likes to call himself my “Big sister”.

“Bring James,” Adam said “If he’s a ‘Mo… we’ll let you know!”

The night of the cocktail party came quickly. I slipped on a pink off the shoulder dress and a pair of white espadrilles and went over to Adam’s apartment early to help them set up and have a pre-party drink to kill my nerves.

The doorbell rang and there was James in khaki’s and a blue polo shirt holding a bottle of wine and some flowers, he kissed me on the cheek and whispered “You look great”.

The night was a blast. We chatted and played games, James got along great with everyone who was there and stayed by my side the entire night. As we sat on the couch together James slipped his arm around me and began to casually play with my hair. It felt nice. Maybe he was straight… I could get used to this….

Suddenly, I could feel “Big Sister” Dean’s gaze from across the room, as he sat quietly sipping red wine.

Dean was never quiet.

I excused myself and when Dean saw me coming he jumped out of his chair and headed down the hall. I pushed him into the bathroom.

“Tell me NOW!” I hissed.

Dean sat on the ledge of the bathtub and crossed his legs “Girl, what are you talking about?”

“Dean! You know James is here for a gay appraisal!”

“Oh, is that what this is?” He began to laugh.

“Shhhh! Dean come on,” I whispered “What do you think about JAMES? Be honest!” I leaned against the sink waiting for an answer.

Dean stood up and walked over to me, he put a loving hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eyes and said

“James? hmph. She seems nice.”