Dating

He Asked for My Ring Size and I Said… This

October 11 2016 | CeCe Olisa

I could feel him falling for me.

I’d been feeling it since our first brunch date. It was one of those perfect days when autumn is coming but summer is still holding on, so the weather was perfect. I jumped out of my uber and although he was 6’4, he always seemed to stand up a tiny bit taller when he saw me.

I felt it during that first dinner when we talked about where our lives were going and I let it slip that I want to move back to California. He frowned a bit “oh, really? like … how soon?” I laughed and assured him that even though my heart is back in California, my work would keep me in NYC for the foreseeable future. He seemed pleased.

I felt it a while later when we met for drinks after work one day. He asked what I wanted and I gave him two options of red and when he came back with my first choice, a Malbec, he asked me what it tasted like.

We hadn’t kissed yet, so he wasn’t on that “you can drink after me” level, but I offered him a sip anyway. Maybe that’s what gave him the courage to kiss me, his hand softly placed on the side of my neck, his fingertips in my hair, his thumb somewhere between the corner of my mouth and my cheek.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” he said.

“I know” I replied, with a smile but my stomach was in knots.

This was going well, so why did I feel so unsettled?

I don’t do well when I’m unsettled, so I quickly tried to figure out what was going on. That’s when it hit me, maybe I was hyper aware of his strong feelings because I felt so neutral about him. I could tell he had decided that I was what he wanted. I, on the other hand was still slowly trying to figure if he was what I wanted. Every time we spoke on the phone or spent time together I learned new things about him. Some made me more interested, some made me feel like we really weren’t a match. But at the swift pace he was moving, he wasn’t giving me enough time to learn how I felt.

One night as we walked through Washington Square Park, holding hands I wondered if there was a way for me to slow him down without making him feel rejected.

He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it, “small hands” he said (I’m a big girl, but I have randomly small hands). He held my arm in the air by my wrist, inspecting my hand.

While he inspected my hands, I felt like I was inspecting him, us, our dates so far…

My mind started to wander a bit, when he took his thumb and index finger and ran them up and down my ring finger, “what size are you like a seven?” he asked.

What’s that break screeching noise they make in the hip hop songs right now? *Scrrrrrrrrrr*

There’s only one reason for a man to ask for your ring size. And if he’s asking your ring size, “ummm….” shouldn’t be your response. You should be like “I’m a SIZE SEVEN! Unless I’ve had a lot of salt in which case I hover around an 7.5… oh and when it’s cold, my hands shrink up a little bit so…”

I should have had an excited answer but, “ummm…” was all I managed to get out as I laughed awkwardly and pulled my hand away.

Too soon, sir… too soon.

If you’ve followed my writing for a while I used to share every little detail of my dating life on this blog weekly. You should read those archives. (seriously start all the way at the beginning, I know you’ll love them).

I get emails all the time asking me to write about my love life like I used to and all I can say is that I’ll share things how and when I want to… like I’m doing today.

By now you know that my love life isn’t the bulk of who I am and what I have to share with you. You see me stepping up my Girl Boss game, you see me trying to help you level up too. Yup, I’ve got other goals to slay before I figure out who is going to fertilize these eggs.

 i-can-compromise-i-cant-settle

Fun fact: After spending years dating the wrong person, I’m in no rush to make the same mistakes twice.

I’m learning lessons. Rough, intense, scary, beautiful lessons, about what I want and need from a partner and more importantly what I need from myself.

I’m also at a point in my life where turning my dating life into hilarious or entertaining blog posts doesn’t resonate with me like it used to (remember the guy with no teeth? augh!). I’ll always write about dating and relationships, but it’s going to be on my terms.

So today I’ll share the lessons I learned when a guy asked for my ring size and left me speechless… and not in a good way.

1.)Click to  Tweet This: I can compromise, I can’t settle.

2.) For me, intimacy is something that can’t be forced or rushed.

3.) Just because someone offers you something you may want, doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

4.) If I have the strength to turn down a man who is 6’4 and wants to put a ring on it… I can do anything!

Those are my lessons for today. How’s your dating/marriage/love life going… any lessons you’d like to share?

Also, can you do me a huge favor and follow me on instagram?

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77 responses on “He Asked for My Ring Size and I Said… This

  1. Emily B

    Oh, I SO had to learn the lesson in #3 the hard way. Just cause you want something, doesn’t mean you have to jump at the first opportunity that comes knocking. It’s worth being choosy and going with your gut. Thanks for sharing, love as always!! 👑👑👑

    1. El

      Girl yes I kust found this out the hard way. Trying to “be there” for him and in the end I got used. Lesson for me stayin the lane of friends until he shows consistentcy over time.

  2. emmy_494@yahoo.com

    Oh, I SO had to learn the lesson in #3 the hard way. Just cause you want something, doesn’t mean you have to jump at the first opportunity that comes knocking. It’s worth being choosy and going with your gut. Thanks for sharing, love as always!! 👑👑👑

    1. ciecie66@gmail.com

      Girl yes I kust found this out the hard way. Trying to “be there” for him and in the end I got used. Lesson for me stayin the lane of friends until he shows consistentcy over time.

  3. Gloria Taylor

    I love this! 6’4″ is what I want though i might not get it. I had so many more options/dates when I worked in NYC. I love working in White Plains — close to home but I don’t meet any men up here!

  4. chocklitt@hotmail.com

    I love this! 6’4″ is what I want though i might not get it. I had so many more options/dates when I worked in NYC. I love working in White Plains — close to home but I don’t meet any men up here!

  5. Ellie

    I have learned dating in your 30s is a crock of crap because guys may appear to older and more mature, but they are all the same underneath. I tried online dating, going out and doing things outside of my comfort zone, but still met douchebags, so I quit trying, notnthat i was trying very hard. All I know is I am glad, Idont have to encounter those I don’t want to interact with. Great article Cece I needed this and so do alot of other women.

  6. joyefuller@hotmail.com

    I have learned dating in your 30s is a crock of crap because guys may appear to older and more mature, but they are all the same underneath. I tried online dating, going out and doing things outside of my comfort zone, but still met douchebags, so I quit trying, notnthat i was trying very hard. All I know is I am glad, Idont have to encounter those I don’t want to interact with. Great article Cece I needed this and so do alot of other women.

  7. zendegy

    Just remember, older eggs are at an ever increasing risk for all sorts of negatives; just ask any gynecologist. Sadly, men have a lot longer to play around and look for some ideal than women do, if we want the family package. Biology is cruel.

    1. Mirage

      These comments irk me so much.
      I was told repeatedly how my fertility was going downhill in my 30s. So how did I become pregnant on the FIRST attempt, at 35 years old. Gave birth in 2.5 hours very easily to a gorgeous and healthy baby with no “negatives” whatsoever!

  8. zurihodari@gmail.com

    Just remember, older eggs are at an ever increasing risk for all sorts of negatives; just ask any gynecologist. Sadly, men have a lot longer to play around and look for some ideal than women do, if we want the family package. Biology is cruel.

    1. murielpadolus@gmail.com

      These comments irk me so much.I was told repeatedly how my fertility was going downhill in my 30s. So how did I become pregnant on the FIRST attempt, at 35 years old. Gave birth in 2.5 hours very easily to a gorgeous and healthy baby with no “negatives” whatsoever!

  9. Leighann Renee

    Love life…hmm. For now, non-existent, but I have a feeling that may change soon (fingers crossed). Thanks for sharing CeCe – it’s cool to read about your dating adventures – they make me more bold and want to have a love life of my own.

  10. leighann.renee@yahoo.com

    Love life…hmm. For now, non-existent, but I have a feeling that may change soon (fingers crossed). Thanks for sharing CeCe – it’s cool to read about your dating adventures – they make me more bold and want to have a love life of my own.

  11. Impurrfect Life

    Oh my this blog post opening read like a juicy novel. Kudos CeCe! You had me captivated. As for me, I lived and dated in NYC in my late 20s early 30s -…it was interesting to say the least. As luck and the stars (or God) would have it, I met my now husband through online dating. I kind of relate to the luke warm feelings. He was definitely WAY into me from our first date WAY before I was into him. (However I did think he was mysterious and cute right away) But I was sure to be honest with myself along the way and take my time without being rushed. He respected my time table. With time, prayer and discussing core values, it became clearer he was the man God had for me. I think for me I was second guessing myself mainly because what my perceived package of what my husband would look like was different than the man before me. I had to let go of that “image/expectation” and look at his character. He was authentic from the start, caring, kind, was a man of his word, integrity and always followed through, etc. These are all the things I MUST have. I love your Tweetable…compromise but don’ t settle. Agree 100%. I was content being single and fabulous and was definitely not expecting to marry when I did. But life has a funny way of throwing a wrench in what you think will happen. Been happily married for 4 1/2 years. (Sorry for the long comment btw) Kudos to you (and any woman) who stays true to yourself. Always stay true to self and don’t appease others. That’s how you truly win.

  12. impurrfectlife@gmail.com

    Oh my this blog post opening read like a juicy novel. Kudos CeCe! You had me captivated. As for me, I lived and dated in NYC in my late 20s early 30s -…it was interesting to say the least. As luck and the stars (or God) would have it, I met my now husband through online dating. I kind of relate to the luke warm feelings. He was definitely WAY into me from our first date WAY before I was into him. (However I did think he was mysterious and cute right away) But I was sure to be honest with myself along the way and take my time without being rushed. He respected my time table. With time, prayer and discussing core values, it became clearer he was the man God had for me. I think for me I was second guessing myself mainly because what my perceived package of what my husband would look like was different than the man before me. I had to let go of that “image/expectation” and look at his character. He was authentic from the start, caring, kind, was a man of his word, integrity and always followed through, etc. These are all the things I MUST have. I love your Tweetable…compromise but don’ t settle. Agree 100%. I was content being single and fabulous and was definitely not expecting to marry when I did. But life has a funny way of throwing a wrench in what you think will happen. Been happily married for 4 1/2 years. (Sorry for the long comment btw) Kudos to you (and any woman) who stays true to yourself. Always stay true to self and don’t appease others. That’s how you truly win.

  13. jennifersawyer

    Indeed. I guess i never thought to think to care much about your love life. It’s yours. I understand. To be honest I think all should live their life as they want. Learning by mistakes made from others are fine and at the same time a reminder that we are human. I can share what I tell others. Make sure that you have you in check before and after you are with them. Try as much as you can to be responsible you and find a person that is responsible and supportive. Most of all as much as you love them if there are deal breakers which kids and location are for me don’t commit to the marriage point. Flow together even if you do not have the paddle you have the foundation that is the boat itself. Love is about meeting in the middle but never feel as if you have to do what they want or change who u r to be loved. Put god first and all will be added. Oh and if you are religious make sure you have a like minded person.

  14. emikoftokyo@gmail.com

    Indeed. I guess i never thought to think to care much about your love life. It’s yours. I understand. To be honest I think all should live their life as they want. Learning by mistakes made from others are fine and at the same time a reminder that we are human. I can share what I tell others. Make sure that you have you in check before and after you are with them. Try as much as you can to be responsible you and find a person that is responsible and supportive. Most of all as much as you love them if there are deal breakers which kids and location are for me don’t commit to the marriage point. Flow together even if you do not have the paddle you have the foundation that is the boat itself. Love is about meeting in the middle but never feel as if you have to do what they want or change who u r to be loved. Put god first and all will be added. Oh and if you are religious make sure you have a like minded person.

  15. Kay T

    Dating doesn’t exist for me the moment. I feel like since I am in an awkward place in my life, dating hasn’t really presented itself as an option and the very few men that have approached me are the “oh lets get to know each other so I can get in your pants” type. I don’t think that dating is over because I am in the 30s. If anything life has taught me a lot. The biggest lessons are:

    1) Packaging isn’t everything. Look deeper than the job and looks. Really get to know someone
    2) Never settle. Go for exactly what you want. Your heart and mind will find it’s match. Just wait.

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

  16. thomaska26@gmail.com

    Dating doesn’t exist for me the moment. I feel like since I am in an awkward place in my life, dating hasn’t really presented itself as an option and the very few men that have approached me are the “oh lets get to know each other so I can get in your pants” type. I don’t think that dating is over because I am in the 30s. If anything life has taught me a lot. The biggest lessons are:
    1) Packaging isn’t everything. Look deeper than the job and looks. Really get to know someone
    2) Never settle. Go for exactly what you want. Your heart and mind will find it’s match. Just wait.

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

  17. Yula Eckhart

    “I carry an invisible crown on my head” repeat to self several times per day! I’m a queen and I won’t settle until I meet my king!
    I’m quality I say several times per day, and lastly…. gotta crack a lot of eggs to make a good omelette!
    Thanks Cece love your share!

  18. ymeckhart@gmail.com

    “I carry an invisible crown on my head” repeat to self several times per day! I’m a queen and I won’t settle until I meet my king!I’m quality I say several times per day, and lastly…. gotta crack a lot of eggs to make a good omelette!
    Thanks Cece love your share!

  19. Lakisha Matthews

    So I’m kinda the opposite when it came to my love life, I met my husband at the age of 15, and we have been married for 17 years now. It was actually my career that took me forever to fall in love with. Im the creative type so I fell in and out of career love pretty easily. Fortunately my husband was really supportive and only complained in small doses whenever I got the go back to school bug! I used to always say I love being in love and I wanted all my friends to be there too, this is how I discovered my career love. I am a wedding planner, which is no shock to anyone that knows me. I just wish it wouldn’t have taken me 9 years and all those student loans to discover that. I’m happy in hubby love and career love now and I truly recommend both!

  20. Miranda Townsend

    “Yup, I’ve got other goals to slay before I figure out who is going to fertilize these eggs.”

    OMG – that line made me giggle. You’re awesome! XO

  21. mdtown2@gmail.com

    “Yup, I’ve got other goals to slay before I figure out who is going to fertilize these eggs.”
    OMG – that line made me giggle. You’re awesome! XO

  22. Jami

    OMG!! I had a very similar situation, rings were not mentioned, but I was asked to move in, and have babies. I said please stop plotting on my uterus. You came up with a plan, but it was not disclosed to me to see how I feel. He felt rejected, but to go along with what he wanted without taking my goals in mind would have had me miserable. Perhaps if he was over 6′ maybe I would have considered….kidding…lol

  23. styleoversize@gmail.com

    OMG!! I had a very similar situation, rings were not mentioned, but I was asked to move in, and have babies. I said please stop plotting on my uterus. You came up with a plan, but it was not disclosed to me to see how I feel. He felt rejected, but to go along with what he wanted without taking my goals in mind would have had me miserable. Perhaps if he was over 6′ maybe I would have considered….kidding…lol

  24. Hannah

    I’ve followed you for a very long time and have loved reading this blog. The one thing I want to make sure we’re all very careful about is saying things like, “I turned down a man who’s 6’4″”. I completely understand where you are coming from, don’t get me wrong. I do think it’s dangerous to go down that road, especially if you have impressionable readers.

    I understand, as a larger woman as well, that feeling small in comparison to your man is nice but if we ask men to not judge us on our weight, shouldn’t we do the same for height?

    I loved this post and just was irked a little by that statement. I think if we are going to attempt to be treated equally, can you imagine if a dude wrote – well, I turned down a woman who was 120 lbs – we’d be up in arms.

    1. Bina Marie

      She wasn’t judging him…. It’s more of a compliment… You would know that though if you’ve had a thing for tall men!! Trust she was saying it as if that’s a weakness for her and to have the strength to resist was an accomplishment!! So yeah don’t be so quick to judge yourself, you know since that was your point! With love BinaMarie

  25. spicy1209@gmail.com

    I’ve followed you for a very long time and have loved reading this blog. The one thing I want to make sure we’re all very careful about is saying things like, “I turned down a man who’s 6’4″”. I completely understand where you are coming from, don’t get me wrong. I do think it’s dangerous to go down that road, especially if you have impressionable readers.
    I understand, as a larger woman as well, that feeling small in comparison to your man is nice but if we ask men to not judge us on our weight, shouldn’t we do the same for height?

    I loved this post and just was irked a little by that statement. I think if we are going to attempt to be treated equally, can you imagine if a dude wrote – well, I turned down a woman who was 120 lbs – we’d be up in arms.

    1. angelinaalways83@gmail.com

      She wasn’t judging him…. It’s more of a compliment… You would know that though if you’ve had a thing for tall men!! Trust she was saying it as if that’s a weakness for her and to have the strength to resist was an accomplishment!! So yeah don’t be so quick to judge yourself, you know since that was your point! With love BinaMarie

  26. MsCee

    Love this blog and definitely glad to see you posting about dating… (Not saying that everything you post isn’t just as interesting) my love life is blossoming. After a 4 year long abusive relationship (that I finally escaped for good 4 years ago) I ended up dating a long time male friend (big mistake) at this point I’ve healed and dated some really good men… They just weren’t the good man for ME so I guess I’ll call this phase “anything is possible” because for the first time in life I’m finally doing me… My way!!?

  27. creetowery@gmail.com

    Love this blog and definitely glad to see you posting about dating… (Not saying that everything you post isn’t just as interesting) my love life is blossoming. After a 4 year long abusive relationship (that I finally escaped for good 4 years ago) I ended up dating a long time male friend (big mistake) at this point I’ve healed and dated some really good men… They just weren’t the good man for ME so I guess I’ll call this phase “anything is possible” because for the first time in life I’m finally doing me… My way!!?

  28. gracekelle

    #3 is key for me. I often wonder if most people would be with their current partner, had someone asked them to get married first. I firmly believe that many women accept marriage proposals because “he” was the first, or only one, to ask. Life was meant to be lived. We were meant to be proactive, make choices, and PURSUE fiercely our desires….not be passive and wait for someone else to make our decisions for us!

  29. gracekim.nyc@gmail.com

    #3 is key for me. I often wonder if most people would be with their current partner, had someone asked them to get married first. I firmly believe that many women accept marriage proposals because “he” was the first, or only one, to ask. Life was meant to be lived. We were meant to be proactive, make choices, and PURSUE fiercely our desires….not be passive and wait for someone else to make our decisions for us!

  30. Carol

    I just ended a textionship, you know the kind where you meet the guy online and everything is perfect, talk every day for hours, WhatsApp and everything else for more than 6 weeks, except, he doesn’t ask you out. We are in the same country like 6 miles apart, very close, still he doesn’t ask me out, and after a little disagreement he just disappeared and it was very weird, even though I didn’t meet him I find myself missing him and very hurt (not as hurt as if we had dated though), the thoughts that go through my overthinking mind are: I was not good enough and also I DON’T WANT TO SETTLE with someone who disappears with the first minimum problem we have. It has been very difficult for me to find love, maybe I’ll start a blog about the countless bad dates I’ve had,haha maybe at least I can make a couple of bucks. Thanks Cece for always sharing and making our life better.

    1. Ashley Morgan

      Hi Carol,

      I was the same way. I would just kick myself for allowing my feelings to stir up over a guy who would only have a relationship with me over the phone (either text or call, but never physically date me) Its like you’re ready for love so you put yourself out there and when you come across someone who “meets your match” you try to make something out of it hoping it can go further while you’re unconsciously doing the chasing for him. I don’t know if this is fully what you went through, but your comment reminded me of myself and thats exactly what I went through. The best thing I did was fall back, focus on my life goals and loving myself, and allow the men to work for my love. I’m a little old fashion though…I believe in the man working for your heart. But I loved your comment!

    2. nycgal1974

      I met my boyfriend online, but had to go through quite a few frogs until my prince finally showed up…lol.

      I ended up implementing a rule b/c this kind of thing happened to me, too: two emails from each of you back and forth (four total, in other words), then if he still hadn’t asked you out, say something like “it’s been great getting to know you a bit over email/text. I’d like to meet you in person to see if there’s any chemistry so we don’t waste each other’s time. Let me know if you want to grab a coffee or a drink sometime in the next couple of weeks.” That’s it — no more emails until he responded with an invitation. And, no dinner, as that was too much of a commitment for someone I’ve traded two emails with. A drink or coffee was enough to know if there was a spark, and the guy didn’t feel like he was being used for an expensive meal on someone he barely knows and has never met.

  31. anacapenados@gmail.com

    I just ended a textionship, you know the kind where you meet the guy online and everything is perfect, talk every day for hours, WhatsApp and everything else for more than 6 weeks, except, he doesn’t ask you out. We are in the same country like 6 miles apart, very close, still he doesn’t ask me out, and after a little disagreement he just disappeared and it was very weird, even though I didn’t meet him I find myself missing him and very hurt (not as hurt as if we had dated though), the thoughts that go through my overthinking mind are: I was not good enough and also I DON’T WANT TO SETTLE with someone who disappears with the first minimum problem we have. It has been very difficult for me to find love, maybe I’ll start a blog about the countless bad dates I’ve had,haha maybe at least I can make a couple of bucks. Thanks Cece for always sharing and making our life better.

    1. amorg08@yahoo.com

      Hi Carol,
      I was the same way. I would just kick myself for allowing my feelings to stir up over a guy who would only have a relationship with me over the phone (either text or call, but never physically date me) Its like you’re ready for love so you put yourself out there and when you come across someone who “meets your match” you try to make something out of it hoping it can go further while you’re unconsciously doing the chasing for him. I don’t know if this is fully what you went through, but your comment reminded me of myself and thats exactly what I went through. The best thing I did was fall back, focus on my life goals and loving myself, and allow the men to work for my love. I’m a little old fashion though…I believe in the man working for your heart. But I loved your comment!

    2. sunrayinnyc@gmail.com

      I met my boyfriend online, but had to go through quite a few frogs until my prince finally showed up…lol.
      I ended up implementing a rule b/c this kind of thing happened to me, too: two emails from each of you back and forth (four total, in other words), then if he still hadn’t asked you out, say something like “it’s been great getting to know you a bit over email/text. I’d like to meet you in person to see if there’s any chemistry so we don’t waste each other’s time. Let me know if you want to grab a coffee or a drink sometime in the next couple of weeks.” That’s it — no more emails until he responded with an invitation. And, no dinner, as that was too much of a commitment for someone I’ve traded two emails with. A drink or coffee was enough to know if there was a spark, and the guy didn’t feel like he was being used for an expensive meal on someone he barely knows and has never met.

  32. Tameeka Wyndon

    Madame, I applaud your Boss-Ladyness. Thank you for allowing us to experience your transition. This is a thought-provoking piece that should push us all to like and love ourselves better. I am in love with the tweet “I can compromise. I can’t settle.” #Tshirt

  33. chocolatier71@live.com

    Madame, I applaud your Boss-Ladyness. Thank you for allowing us to experience your transition. This is a thought-provoking piece that should push us all to like and love ourselves better. I am in love with the tweet “I can compromise. I can’t settle.” #Tshirt

  34. nycgal1974

    Building on the “I can compromise, I can’t settle” theme, here’s what it means for me:

    What I will compromise on:
    – He doesn’t need to be rich — my BF makes less $$ than me, and that’s just fine w/me
    – He doesn’t need to fit the mental picture of who I thought I’d fall in love w/ – I always thought I’d be with a man from another country, a world traveler. My mine is born and bred NYC, but wants to travel the world with me…that works
    – He doesn’t need to be 6’4″ — I’m 5’10”, he’s 5’11…heels are overrated anyway!! LOL

    What I won’t settle for:
    – A man who makes me feel bad about myself physically, spiritually, mentally or emotionally
    – A man with no sense of humor
    – A man who doesn’t ultimately want the same things I want

    It’s a good exercise to come up with your own list when you’re looking for a mate, and if you’re ever not feeling good about your relationship, re-read it and be honest w/yourself about whether you’re compromising or settling!

  35. sunrayinnyc@gmail.com

    Building on the “I can compromise, I can’t settle” theme, here’s what it means for me:
    What I will compromise on:
    – He doesn’t need to be rich — my BF makes less $$ than me, and that’s just fine w/me
    – He doesn’t need to fit the mental picture of who I thought I’d fall in love w/ – I always thought I’d be with a man from another country, a world traveler. My mine is born and bred NYC, but wants to travel the world with me…that works
    – He doesn’t need to be 6’4″ — I’m 5’10”, he’s 5’11…heels are overrated anyway!! LOL

    What I won’t settle for:
    – A man who makes me feel bad about myself physically, spiritually, mentally or emotionally
    – A man with no sense of humor
    – A man who doesn’t ultimately want the same things I want

    It’s a good exercise to come up with your own list when you’re looking for a mate, and if you’re ever not feeling good about your relationship, re-read it and be honest w/yourself about whether you’re compromising or settling!

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