Dating

Dear CeCe: I’m Confident, Single & Struggling. Help!

November 11 2015 | CeCe Olisa

Hi CeCe!

I have a question/need some advice. I’m having a hard time because I’ve fought so hard for the confidence I have, but the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend is making me feel sort of undesirable!

I’ve never really had the confidence to have boyfriend but now I do and I’d really like that experience!

I’m wondering what I can do/where I can go to meet someone. I’m just not sure what to do! I’m going to be 21 soon and I’d love to find someone to share things and experiences with!

Any advice you can give would be so awesome. 

-J

Hi J,

First of all, I love that you’re telling me that you have confidence– do you know how rare and special that is? To boldly say “I’m Confident” is huge and its going to play a key role in your dating journey.

When you said not having a boyfriend was making you feel a bit “undesirable”, my heart broke a little– I know its easy to feel like being in a relationship is the ultimate validation. Trust me, I’ve felt like that before– but it is 100% not true.

Who cares if you’re single?! an unclaimed diamond is still a diamond, ya know?

Who Cares if Youre Single Diamons

Just pinky promise me you’re not going to allow being single to break your confidence, okay? *I’m holding pinky to the screen*

Okay, so back to your question. I’ve dated guys that I met in a variety of places including:

  • The pool
  • The Gym
  • The Office
  • The Coffee Shop
  • The Beach
  • The Club
  • The Bar
  • The Subway
  • The Internet
  • etc.

You know what all of those places had in common? …Me!

I was there, being me, doing my thing and guys approached me. That can happen anywhere, trust me.

So, if you ask me where to meet guys (or girls) I feel silly giving you advice on places to go, but what I know for sure is “wherever you go, there you are”.

The confidence that you mentioned having? That’s the thing that will instantly make any location a good place to meet guys. Because people don’t approach us because they feel its the right environment, they approach us because they see something so attractive in us that they need to know more.

That’s why I made you hold your hand to the computer screen and pinky promise me that you wouldn’t let being single ruin your confidence (wait– you did hold your pink to the screen, right?).

If you start feeling down on yourself because you’re single, then you’ll be giving up on the very thing that will attract the right person to you. Does that make sense?

Instead of being down on yourself about your relationship status. Take your confidence and go do what you love to do. Dance Class, Batting Cages, 5K Race… go do it confidently and keep me posted on who you meet along the way.

xo,

CeCe

p.s. Please Read this post where I go in deeper on what to do while we’re single. It will give you a even more advice 🙂

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13 responses on “Dear CeCe: I’m Confident, Single & Struggling. Help!

  1. Iyeshia Haynes

    This is the exact thing that I needed so thanks CeCe for responding to these topics because it not only helps the person that asked for your advice but so many other people with similar issues. I just turned 24 last month and I am in the exact same situation. I don’t like to talk about it with friends because all of my close friends are much smaller than me and don’t have to deal with the issues of being a PSP and they are all taken and/or dating. Sometimes I still find it hard to not put my value in a relationship when I feel like I’ve missed out on so much by not ever having had a boyfriend but I take it one day at a time. Because of your advice, I am going to make a conscious effort to stay confident and put myself out there (I’m an extreme introvert BTW and it works against me lol). Thanks again, CeCe.

  2. Ellie

    I’m in the same boat, except I’m thirty. In my case, I knew I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. After a life-changing situation ten years ago, I retreated into myself. It’s been within the past three years that I finally started coming into my own and experiencing life to its fullest. Up until this year, I haven’t really wanted to be in a relationship, but I am now comfortable with myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually enough to be with someone. I’ve tried dating websites, which are a crockpot of nothingness, and have yielded no results, unless you want to count men that are twice my age and live out of state. I do try new activities several times per moths thanks to group coupons, but I still haven’t met anyone. However, I’ve had a number of great experiences. White-water rafting, traveling to national parks, seeing historical sights, going on a ghost tour. Grab a friend and have new experiences with them for the time being.

    That being said I do believe there is someone out there for me and if I meet him before my deadline of having 365 day to go out on a date, great!! If not, then it’s okay. I’m not going to lie, it’s tough seeing friends in relationships, dating, engaged and married. BUT, I’ve seen what someone of them went through with their S.O. and they actually envied ME for being single and free. I know right now it sucks not having a significant other, but it will happen when you least expect it (cliche, I know) but it’s true…at least that’s what I tell myself. Good luck J.

    Great letter and answer Cece!

  3. KL Woodsy

    OMGosh, I have SO MUCH to say on this topic! I’m a plus size wife and mother of 4 sons. I have not been single in a long time now, but boy do I remember the feeling.

    I once heard said “if you want to find the perfect man, go out and get everything you think you’re missing.” I wanted to be partnered well, but I had no idea how to make that happen. I was doing all of the things that I thought were supposed to attract an appropriate partner, but he wasn’t showing up. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. So I asked myself, “what am I missing?” What will a partner give me that I don’t have now?

    I wanted companionship, financial security, intimacy and laughter. I spent years thinking that the perfect man would come along and give me all of these things so I really didn’t have to work on them for myself.

    What I didn’t understand at that time was that no man could even get close to me. I was so needy in relationships, that I was unable to attract a healthy partner. I had holes to fill and I was waiting for someone to come along to “complete” me. I decided to “complete”myself.

    I wanted companionship, so I got better friends. I wanted financially security, so I got a
    better job. And on it went. I “completed” me and surrendered the fruitless search for my Mr. Fix It.

    No longer was I leading with my wounds, I lived my joy. I figured, worst case scenario I end up with
    a happy, fulfilled life, partnered or not.

    In time I attracted a person who was also coming from completeness. My joy attracted his.

    It starts with being honest with what you really want. Consider the following: What will my “wants” give me that I don’t already have?

    How can I meet my own needs?

    What do I need to heal so that I am available to recognize and attract my hearts desires?

  4. mary

    sad, she claims to have confidence but sounds as she’s desperately undermining herself by basing her self worth on the fact that she has never had boyfriend. She’s only 21! Some of us are late bloomers, get yourself on point wether its school or career wise -or at your age getting there …guys will come – they will see an attractive successful young women whose got it together—and if you find the wrong one….move on …don’t be so desperate to keep someone around that you put up with nonsense , abuse or bad behavior…its a big sea , with plenty of fish…don’t get fixated on the first one you catch – or you’ll fail of realize there is bigger and better fish out there.

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