Dating

Have You Ever Dated Someone Who Just…Vanished?

May 18 2015 | CeCe Olisa

Have you ever had someone “ghost” on you? I’m not talking Patrick Swayze, sappy music, and a pottery wheel. I’m talking about when a guy or girl that you’re dating just disappears off the face of the planet — and you’re left wondering what happened. If I have a first date and the guy never calls back, that’s not ghosting; it’s just life. But, if I’m seeing someone regularly and circumstances or feelings change, I’d like to hope everyone will be grown-up enough to communicate that. When someone ceases communication without warning and you never see them again? That’s a ghost situation.

My ghosting experience happened with Adrian. We had been dating for a few weeks when he asked me to be exclusive. But, of course, there was a catch — he also needed to take a month-long work trip to Turkmenistan to help save the endangered snow leopards. I can’t make this stuff up.

The idea of being exclusive right when Adrian was going to be gone for a month didn’t sit well with me, so I told him I’d rather wait until he returned. The night before his flight, Adrian wanted to sleep with me (one of the intimate perks that, for me, comes with being exclusive) — but I told him that wasn’t going to happen. He was respectful, told me he’d miss me, and promised to e-mail me as soon as he landed the next day. I never heard from Adrian again.

The first few days, I tried not to freak out. I went about my day with a quiet storm of thoughts running through my head: His flight was probably delayed. Maybe he doesn’t have Internet in Turkmenistan. Did I give him the correct email address? What if he’s getting bounce-backs? By week two, I was officially losing my mind. I called his work; when the receptionist answered, I froze. I could have said, “Hello, I’m calling to see if one of your employees was eaten by snow leopards, or if he’s ghosting on me, can you help?” Instead, I hung up the phone and called Ghostbusters, a.k.a. my girlfriends. We spent the night collectively trying to stalk Adrian over cocktails, but we didn’t have much to go on. We decided that closure was needed in the form of one final, saucy voicemail.

I put my phone on speaker and dialed his number. The number was disconnected — Adrian had really vanished. Now, I was angry. I couldn’t believe this was happening. After another round of drinks, we decided that the only thing to do was to offer an “R.I.P.” to that relationship and keep moving. I couldn’t make Adrian call me, and I couldn’t text a snow leopard to see if he had been spotted in the wilderness. The whole situation was out of my hands. I reminded myself that people do crazy things to avoid confrontation.

I decided that I wasn’t going to spend more time mourning Adrian than I spent actually dating him. I snapped out of my funk, and was suddenly grateful. The desire for a relationship can be an overwhelming feeling (more on that single-girl problem here), but I was glad I’d followed my instincts and pumped the brakes when Adrian wanted to be exclusive. Can you imagine how crazy I would have been if I never heard from my “boyfriend” again? I can’t help but wonder if his whole exclusivity chat was just a ploy to hook up before his month out of the country. Who knows?

It all boils down to trust, which for me, has to be earned. I really liked Adrian, but in the few weeks we had been dating, he hadn’t earned the trust required to be my long-distance boyfriend. I could have let my desire for the “girlfriend” title trump my desire to build a long-lasting and real relationship, but instead, I chose to stay single and let Adrian show me just how trustworthy (or not) he could be. He certainly showed me.

Ever had a guy ghost on you?

Read More of my work at CeCe Olisa for Refinery29

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37 responses on “Have You Ever Dated Someone Who Just…Vanished?

  1. Amelia

    A good friend of mine, I’d actually consider him one of my best friends. Had and on again of again “dating” situationship. Complicated, but our normal. For a whole summer he went ghost on me. Not answering any calls/texts/social media posts. I was puzzled!

    Then one day in September I sent him a message on twitter asking if his number had changed. (A last ditch effort to reach out). He let me know it had not. I called him, and he carried on as if nothing had happened all summer. BTW we have been friends for almost 10yrs. To this day I have no idea what that whole thing was about.

  2. amelia_allen92@yahoo.com

    A good friend of mine, I’d actually consider him one of my best friends. Had and on again of again “dating” situationship. Complicated, but our normal. For a whole summer he went ghost on me. Not answering any calls/texts/social media posts. I was puzzled!
    Then one day in September I sent him a message on twitter asking if his number had changed. (A last ditch effort to reach out). He let me know it had not. I called him, and he carried on as if nothing had happened all summer. BTW we have been friends for almost 10yrs. To this day I have no idea what that whole thing was about.

  3. tiffany starks

    So I reconnected with this guy after 6 years(he wanted to date me then, but I was with someone at the time). Anywho, we reconnect and everything was beautiful. I really though it could be something great. So we hung out on a Friday, Saturday we talked on the phone as well as Monday, and he said he would call me later and I haven’t heard from him since.
    Initially I thought he got busy, then I got worried, then I got upset, then sad trying to figure out what I did/said wrong. Now I just take it as a blessing in disguise, even though I still don’t get it.

  4. tiffanystarks0620@gmail.com

    So I reconnected with this guy after 6 years(he wanted to date me then, but I was with someone at the time). Anywho, we reconnect and everything was beautiful. I really though it could be something great. So we hung out on a Friday, Saturday we talked on the phone as well as Monday, and he said he would call me later and I haven’t heard from him since.Initially I thought he got busy, then I got worried, then I got upset, then sad trying to figure out what I did/said wrong. Now I just take it as a blessing in disguise, even though I still don’t get it.

  5. Jelicia

    This just happened to me a few months ago! This guy and I had been communicating for months we lived in two different states we visited one another. Then one day he didn’t text back or return calls! Then he unfriended me from IG and FBook! Very petty! I consulted my friends and they all said just let his petty butt go! I’m still mad because I want to know why! I’ll probably never know! I’ve let it go! He’s the one that’s missing out on something great!

  6. jmackhill06@yahoo.com

    This just happened to me a few months ago! This guy and I had been communicating for months we lived in two different states we visited one another. Then one day he didn’t text back or return calls! Then he unfriended me from IG and FBook! Very petty! I consulted my friends and they all said just let his petty butt go! I’m still mad because I want to know why! I’ll probably never know! I’ve let it go! He’s the one that’s missing out on something great!

  7. Ali

    I actually had it happen to me twice. I’ve always been a strong believer in LDR, so I used to meet a lot of people in MMOs & online games, some I’m still friends with years later. I remember the first guy I met, this boy named Justin, he and I talked everyday and slowly decided we wanted to be together in a relationship. We’d webcam and text, whenever I had a phone at the time. We always met each other online in the games we played together. He said he was going to go to college in this area, so we’d get to meet up, all that fun stuff. He only lived 8 hours away, so it seemed incredibly possible. Then one day the game that brought us close together he stopped playing as much, he played WoW, but I could never get into that. Next thing you know, he was just telling me he was busy, then I logged on to find out he told a mutual friend, he was having second thoughts about our relationship, I’m still friends with her to this day! Next thing you know, the last thing, he told me was that he, some friends and some siblings were going away to some lake for summer and he’d message me when he got back. If I had been older, I’d have known that he wasn’t coming back by the way his message and messages leading up to it sounded. We never spoke again. It wasn’t until he made a new FB page that B recommended him to me, I checked his page out a few ties, before I told myself no point in that anymore.
    The second guy was named Alex. I met him in the same game as Justin about 3 years later and we hit it off as friends. He lived a good plane ride away, but close. He had a gf, he met in a game, but he liked to flirt and talk a lot. He was never a great person to begin with. When he was good, he was nice & fun, but when he was being an ass, he was terrible. We talked for about 2 years before he disappeared(THE 2ND TIME, yes there was a time when he had disappeared for about 4/5 months and came back saying he had moved to Vegas and was enjoying it only to have to move back home after financial issues I guess) and, yes at one point in those two years he said he wanted to date me, we decided to call each other bf/gf and he had even said he’d come see me, because one of his friends was moving this way, so he’d stop by. Before long he disappeared too. Of course I found him on FB as well, but I found out that he had a gf & A SON! His son was about a year old when I found out, which when I put it together meant he was conceived & born, while Alex and I were flirting, sending pics and calling each other cute names. So, naturally that didn’t work out either. I’ve had my fair times of disappearing as well, usually when my computer stops working, cell phone turned off. If it doesn’t seem awkward I’ll message the person again, but if we stop talking for an extended period of time again, then I chock it up as it wasn’t meant to be. Usually, now, I mostly date face to face, but still believe in LDR & online relationships, because people can disappear that you meet face2face just as easily.

    It always feels good to vent about it. :3

  8. xalexiia@live.com

    I actually had it happen to me twice. I’ve always been a strong believer in LDR, so I used to meet a lot of people in MMOs & online games, some I’m still friends with years later. I remember the first guy I met, this boy named Justin, he and I talked everyday and slowly decided we wanted to be together in a relationship. We’d webcam and text, whenever I had a phone at the time. We always met each other online in the games we played together. He said he was going to go to college in this area, so we’d get to meet up, all that fun stuff. He only lived 8 hours away, so it seemed incredibly possible. Then one day the game that brought us close together he stopped playing as much, he played WoW, but I could never get into that. Next thing you know, he was just telling me he was busy, then I logged on to find out he told a mutual friend, he was having second thoughts about our relationship, I’m still friends with her to this day! Next thing you know, the last thing, he told me was that he, some friends and some siblings were going away to some lake for summer and he’d message me when he got back. If I had been older, I’d have known that he wasn’t coming back by the way his message and messages leading up to it sounded. We never spoke again. It wasn’t until he made a new FB page that B recommended him to me, I checked his page out a few ties, before I told myself no point in that anymore.The second guy was named Alex. I met him in the same game as Justin about 3 years later and we hit it off as friends. He lived a good plane ride away, but close. He had a gf, he met in a game, but he liked to flirt and talk a lot. He was never a great person to begin with. When he was good, he was nice & fun, but when he was being an ass, he was terrible. We talked for about 2 years before he disappeared(THE 2ND TIME, yes there was a time when he had disappeared for about 4/5 months and came back saying he had moved to Vegas and was enjoying it only to have to move back home after financial issues I guess) and, yes at one point in those two years he said he wanted to date me, we decided to call each other bf/gf and he had even said he’d come see me, because one of his friends was moving this way, so he’d stop by. Before long he disappeared too. Of course I found him on FB as well, but I found out that he had a gf & A SON! His son was about a year old when I found out, which when I put it together meant he was conceived & born, while Alex and I were flirting, sending pics and calling each other cute names. So, naturally that didn’t work out either. I’ve had my fair times of disappearing as well, usually when my computer stops working, cell phone turned off. If it doesn’t seem awkward I’ll message the person again, but if we stop talking for an extended period of time again, then I chock it up as it wasn’t meant to be. Usually, now, I mostly date face to face, but still believe in LDR & online relationships, because people can disappear that you meet face2face just as easily.

    It always feels good to vent about it. :3

  9. vanessa thomas

    CeCe, if this is a WHITE guy and his last name “Gilbert”, let me know ASAP! I have a story to tell YOU–I believe this is the same guy that “ghosted” me!

  10. vmthomas060@gmail.com

    CeCe, if this is a WHITE guy and his last name “Gilbert”, let me know ASAP! I have a story to tell YOU–I believe this is the same guy that “ghosted” me!

  11. janellecissell

    What happens when they go ghost and then come back? Worm their way in like they just talked to you the day before when actually it had been months…hell even a year! I shunt understand how people can do that. We’re grown. I’d rather you just say “hey I just want to have sex every one in a while”. I can handle that. I can also make the decision on whether or not I want the same thing. Woo this post got me feeling some type of way…haha!

  12. curvydivajc@yahoo.com

    What happens when they go ghost and then come back? Worm their way in like they just talked to you the day before when actually it had been months…hell even a year! I shunt understand how people can do that. We’re grown. I’d rather you just say “hey I just want to have sex every one in a while”. I can handle that. I can also make the decision on whether or not I want the same thing. Woo this post got me feeling some type of way…haha!

  13. dianne

    Holly molly what a jerk. Was he just trying to get you in the sack and playing you ? I think men like this a cowards. You are better off without someone like that. Jerk jerk jerk.

  14. justme@gmail.com

    Holly molly what a jerk. Was he just trying to get you in the sack and playing you ? I think men like this a cowards. You are better off without someone like that. Jerk jerk jerk.

  15. Tatiana

    goodness gracious. this LITERALLY just happened to me. except it wasn’t Turkmenistan it was California. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but this person was and wanted to be friends and “get to know me.” Eventually things did get intimate which I was completely in favor of. And slowly but surely he fell off of the face of the Earth. It was shocking because this person was doing the UTMOST MOST in what ever “relationship” we had in terms of being attentive and interested. After his sparse messages of him wanting to meet up I told him that I couldn’t exert any more energy in this “thing” and I never heard back from him. I eventually let the situation go, although I do wonder what happened, it was such a stark change. BUT I am deciding to not let that situation get the best of me or add any additional negativity to my life. I have to honor what makes me feel good and brings me joy and that whole thing was bringing me to an emotional place that I did not like. I am all the better for learning what I want and when to let things go. In that sense, I feel great. But yes girl. I have been ghosted on.

  16. tatiana.johnson20@gmail.com

    goodness gracious. this LITERALLY just happened to me. except it wasn’t Turkmenistan it was California. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but this person was and wanted to be friends and “get to know me.” Eventually things did get intimate which I was completely in favor of. And slowly but surely he fell off of the face of the Earth. It was shocking because this person was doing the UTMOST MOST in what ever “relationship” we had in terms of being attentive and interested. After his sparse messages of him wanting to meet up I told him that I couldn’t exert any more energy in this “thing” and I never heard back from him. I eventually let the situation go, although I do wonder what happened, it was such a stark change. BUT I am deciding to not let that situation get the best of me or add any additional negativity to my life. I have to honor what makes me feel good and brings me joy and that whole thing was bringing me to an emotional place that I did not like. I am all the better for learning what I want and when to let things go. In that sense, I feel great. But yes girl. I have been ghosted on.

  17. Laurie Carlson

    YES! And it scares me to death as to what happened to him, too! I was dating my EX. Yeah. The proverbial EX. The divorced Ex. Previous to my STUPID decision to marry him (but I ended up with 2 AMAZINGLY AWESOME KIDS!!!) I really didn’t want to marry him, but “I” was too embarrassed to called the wedding QUITS! Girls – CALL THE WEDDING OFF IF YOU HAVE ANY MISGIVINGS LIKE I DID! DON’T BE EMBARRASSED, EITHER!!
    Anyway, the then ‘guy I dated’ was stalking me! I didn’t know it at the time, until things added up and he told me he came by my work when I was supposed to be getting off, but he figured I working overtime because he didn’t see me leave, but he DID see Tom. Oh, no!!! I REALLY wanted to see Tom, too! Then the now Ex proceeded to tell me he “took care of Tom, and I would NEVER see him again.” What did that mean??? Did he HURT Tom? Where was Tom?? To THIS DAY I wonder/worry about Tom! I HAVE tried finding him, too! NO luck. He just disappeared! This story may or may not have a happy ending because my Ex ended up with a diagnosis of being a Sociopath/Psychopath!
    I’ll never know what happened to Tom, unless Lord willing one day I will??? NOT a happy ending there.
    I LOVE the ‘snow leopards’! You were SO SMART in NOT giving in to his whims! I doubt the ‘snow leopard’ story was on the up and up! LOL! GOOD for you!!

  18. laurieisreading@gmail.com

    YES! And it scares me to death as to what happened to him, too! I was dating my EX. Yeah. The proverbial EX. The divorced Ex. Previous to my STUPID decision to marry him (but I ended up with 2 AMAZINGLY AWESOME KIDS!!!) I really didn’t want to marry him, but “I” was too embarrassed to called the wedding QUITS! Girls – CALL THE WEDDING OFF IF YOU HAVE ANY MISGIVINGS LIKE I DID! DON’T BE EMBARRASSED, EITHER!!Anyway, the then ‘guy I dated’ was stalking me! I didn’t know it at the time, until things added up and he told me he came by my work when I was supposed to be getting off, but he figured I working overtime because he didn’t see me leave, but he DID see Tom. Oh, no!!! I REALLY wanted to see Tom, too! Then the now Ex proceeded to tell me he “took care of Tom, and I would NEVER see him again.” What did that mean??? Did he HURT Tom? Where was Tom?? To THIS DAY I wonder/worry about Tom! I HAVE tried finding him, too! NO luck. He just disappeared! This story may or may not have a happy ending because my Ex ended up with a diagnosis of being a Sociopath/Psychopath!
    I’ll never know what happened to Tom, unless Lord willing one day I will??? NOT a happy ending there.
    I LOVE the ‘snow leopards’! You were SO SMART in NOT giving in to his whims! I doubt the ‘snow leopard’ story was on the up and up! LOL! GOOD for you!!

  19. DutchDelights

    Yup happened to me more than once. And guess what…. most of them show up again after months, or a year, asking how I’m doing. Like nothing ever happened.
    It’s not you,Cece, it’s never you, it’s just them. Most likely they have been trolling around like this on dating sites for years. They have the most fantastic stories. I’ve quit dating. I try to have peace with the fact that it’s just not for me. But then I do have friends who have found their soul mate online and sometimes I wonder if I should try again? Hugs.

  20. DutchDelights@yahoo.com

    Yup happened to me more than once. And guess what…. most of them show up again after months, or a year, asking how I’m doing. Like nothing ever happened.It’s not you,Cece, it’s never you, it’s just them. Most likely they have been trolling around like this on dating sites for years. They have the most fantastic stories. I’ve quit dating. I try to have peace with the fact that it’s just not for me. But then I do have friends who have found their soul mate online and sometimes I wonder if I should try again? Hugs.

  21. christioni

    I went through something similar several years ago. Shortly after doing everything he could to get another chance with me, my on-again/off-again guy went to visit his best friend for a week. When he got back – total radio silence – even on Valentine’s Day. When I finally got a hold of him he said that he couldn’t handle “this” right now and that it was too hard to try to have a GF and take care of his shit at the same time. I was so upset and angry and quite frankly perplexed because you don’t do a complete 180 in 7 days for nothing. I still don’t know what the real deal was but I no longer care. At the time I was ashamed because I thought there was something about me that made him run away. It took me awhile to realize that it had nothing to do me. They way I see it now he did me a big favor by getting out of my life.

  22. cnireland@gmail.com

    I went through something similar several years ago. Shortly after doing everything he could to get another chance with me, my on-again/off-again guy went to visit his best friend for a week. When he got back – total radio silence – even on Valentine’s Day. When I finally got a hold of him he said that he couldn’t handle “this” right now and that it was too hard to try to have a GF and take care of his shit at the same time. I was so upset and angry and quite frankly perplexed because you don’t do a complete 180 in 7 days for nothing. I still don’t know what the real deal was but I no longer care. At the time I was ashamed because I thought there was something about me that made him run away. It took me awhile to realize that it had nothing to do me. They way I see it now he did me a big favor by getting out of my life.

  23. Adrew

    Yes! I met one beautiful and clever girl on kovla we had 5 dates, they were amazing, But then, she deleted her profile and just vanished( I can’t stop thinking about her! I think, I love her, but don’t really understand, what was happened!(

  24. andrewpears2015@gmail.com

    Yes! I met one beautiful and clever girl on kovla we had 5 dates, they were amazing, But then, she deleted her profile and just vanished( I can’t stop thinking about her! I think, I love her, but don’t really understand, what was happened!(

  25. Donovan Coxwell

    Ladies are no slouches at ghosting either. Had it happen to me when a young lady I dated disappeared on me. Saw her months later at an event and she confessed that she was out because I wanted a relationship and she was only in it to hang out and have a bit of fun. Fair enough, but it would have been nice to have some communication. Live and learn.

  26. coxwell@iamcoxwell.com

    Ladies are no slouches at ghosting either. Had it happen to me when a young lady I dated disappeared on me. Saw her months later at an event and she confessed that she was out because I wanted a relationship and she was only in it to hang out and have a bit of fun. Fair enough, but it would have been nice to have some communication. Live and learn.

  27. Stephanie Mathis

    The person that does the disappearing act is too much of a coward to tell you that they changed their mind and is afraid of confrontation. Also most immature adults are never satisfied. That person may have met someone new and disappeared on you to be with that new person. Meanwhile if the new guy or girl doesn’t work out, they have you the “old fallback”. Well that’s my opinion.

  28. insaniteee@msn.com

    The person that does the disappearing act is too much of a coward to tell you that they changed their mind and is afraid of confrontation. Also most immature adults are never satisfied. That person may have met someone new and disappeared on you to be with that new person. Meanwhile if the new guy or girl doesn’t work out, they have you the “old fallback”. Well that’s my opinion.

  29. Patrice J Morrow

    This happened to me and then 6 months later he contacts me thinking that im supposed to be proud that he’s contacted me after so long. I told him i wasn’t impressed at and i don’t know why he contacted me. And told him to delete my number…

  30. pmorrow72@yahoo.com

    This happened to me and then 6 months later he contacts me thinking that im supposed to be proud that he’s contacted me after so long. I told him i wasn’t impressed at and i don’t know why he contacted me. And told him to delete my number…

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