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Is Online Dating Different For Plus-Size Women?

September 8 2014 | CeCe Olisa

I always say that dating as a plus-size girl can be…different. Oftentimes, it’s downright frustrating, especially when I compare my dating life to that of my thinner friends (read more about that here). Going out to bars and clubs can make a big girl feel invisible. So, for me, online dating was a good way to meet guys without pressure.

One night, my roommate made a Moscato-fueled decision to join the newest trendy site just to see what would happened. I like having multiple dating accounts, so when she asked me to sign up with her, I happily agreed. We set up our profiles, added a few quirky one-liners for good measure, uploaded photos, and went to bed. The next morning my tall, thin, redheaded roommate had 10 messages — I had two. And, one of them was a welcome message from the owner of the site, so I guess that doesn’t really count.

Of course, our profiles weren’t identical, but within a week, my tall, thin, redheaded roommate was coming home late from dates with guys she met online, leaving me to finish our bottle of Moscato alone. Seeing how the dating floodgates opened for my tall, thin, redheaded roommate made me very aware of my slow trickle of interested men. I didn’t know it was possible to get so many messages in a day until she showed me her inbox. Sure, they weren’t all winners, but the attention was flooding her way. 

Is Online Dating Different for Plus Size Girls

Suddenly, I felt invisible again. But, I remained patient and over time, interested men found their way into my inbox, finally! The first message was from someone we’ll call Servant999, who sent me a long paragraph about how he wanted to be my love slave, whatever that means. Then, he told me I was welcome to humiliate him and dominate him as much as I wanted. Delete.

Then there was a message was from TallerThanYourAverage1. We messaged back and forth for a few days, until he asked me if he could feed me and if I would be willing to gain weight for him. Willing to, wait, what? Delete — and block.

Finally I got a message from a tall, handsome personal trainer with a great sense of humor. After messaging for a few days, he asked if I wanted to grab a drink with him. We had a decent first date, the chemistry wasn’t electric, but it was there. We continued texting after our first date, and then he informed me that he was running a sale on his personal training sessions and would I like to buy five sessions so that he can help me hit my weight loss goals? But, sir, I never told you I had any weight loss goals! Delete. (But, I may have saved your shirtless picture.)

In my post about whether dating as a Plus-Size Princess is a blessing or a curse, I weigh the pros and cons of being a big girl on the dating scene. It can feel like everyone has an amazing dating life but you, and it can feel like you only attract people who have issues or fetishes. But, someone reminded me that those things happen to girls of any size.

Deep down, we all know that quality wins over quantity every time, but when you’re the one waiting on quality while your skinny friends have a million first dates, it’s not an easy road.

I was about to delete my account on the trendy online dating site when I got a message from a guy named Adrian. The night I came back from my second date and first kiss with Adrian, I came home to find my roommate fuming on the couch with a story of some creepy guy she’d met online. I guess the weirdos really did approach everyone.

Even though my tall, thin, redheaded roommate went on twice as many dates as I did, none of them turned into anything substantial. On the other hand, Adrian and I dated successfully for a while. Maybe there is something to this quality versus quantity thing after all.

What do you ladies think? Have your online dating experiences been different than your other friends?

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36 responses on “Is Online Dating Different For Plus-Size Women?

  1. Brandy Rocker

    Ahh, Dating is not normal for plus size ladies. However I have never been skinny to compare. Asking if I will gain weight for them is a big one, do I want to lose weight, can they feed me, have intercourse with my belly button…. the list goes on. I am in a relationship with a man, who does like big women, but he seemed to be genuine and loved me. I stayed, he does not ask any of these things, and we are very open with each-other. Sadly, a lot of men see as something to mark off of a list, or a good time. I have dated many, I just think you need to have an open mind being larger, and also…. MEN need to quit acting like fools, and remember we are ladies, and maybe down the road with normalcy we will sit on them hahaha

  2. bettiecrocker84@ymail.com

    Ahh, Dating is not normal for plus size ladies. However I have never been skinny to compare. Asking if I will gain weight for them is a big one, do I want to lose weight, can they feed me, have intercourse with my belly button…. the list goes on. I am in a relationship with a man, who does like big women, but he seemed to be genuine and loved me. I stayed, he does not ask any of these things, and we are very open with each-other. Sadly, a lot of men see as something to mark off of a list, or a good time. I have dated many, I just think you need to have an open mind being larger, and also…. MEN need to quit acting like fools, and remember we are ladies, and maybe down the road with normalcy we will sit on them hahaha

  3. katiehippie

    okcupid recommends for me this guy with his non-sequitur message.

    “Gravity is a natural law of the universe which cannot be changed. Rules made by humans can always be challenged.”

    That and the fact he is clear across the country doesn’t do much for me. I don’t get many messages and 90% of the ones I get are the ‘u r hot, wanna neck’ variety. It’s depressing.

  4. katiehippie@yahoo.com

    okcupid recommends for me this guy with his non-sequitur message.
    “Gravity is a natural law of the universe which cannot be changed. Rules made by humans can always be challenged.”

    That and the fact he is clear across the country doesn’t do much for me. I don’t get many messages and 90% of the ones I get are the ‘u r hot, wanna neck’ variety. It’s depressing.

  5. Tanisha Frazier

    Online dating can be hit or miss in my opinion whether you’re thin or plus size. As a plus size Christian woman who is celibate dating has been nothing less than interesting but I’ve had my most success through online dating you just have to be patient. When I have too many messages in my inbox I get overwhelmed so having alot of messages or alot of guys who are interested isn’t all that its cracked up to be. After some time I met a great guy and we’ve been on a few dates already had our first kiss and things are going very very well and he respects me and my body so we’ll see what happens.

  6. frazier.tanisha@gmail.com

    Online dating can be hit or miss in my opinion whether you’re thin or plus size. As a plus size Christian woman who is celibate dating has been nothing less than interesting but I’ve had my most success through online dating you just have to be patient. When I have too many messages in my inbox I get overwhelmed so having alot of messages or alot of guys who are interested isn’t all that its cracked up to be. After some time I met a great guy and we’ve been on a few dates already had our first kiss and things are going very very well and he respects me and my body so we’ll see what happens.

  7. Shameka

    Online dating was trouble for me. Most of the guys I met were just into being physical. They wanted to sleep with me; they didn’t want to date me though. I call them the Undercover Chubby Chasers, lol. They love fat girls at night under the cover of darkness. They’ll send as many late night texts as you want, but the first thing they want to know is when they can come over. I tried multiple sites over a period of months. I met a couple of guys who were good for a few conversations and not much else. The others are like I described above. I felt like it was different for me being plus sized. I know there are weirdos all over these sites, who approach thinner girls too, but I also feel like a lot of them thought that as a fat girl I would be more into their fetishes and more desperate, so more likely to take what little they were offering me. It’s a form of arrogance. They treated me like I should be happy I was even getting their attention. I’ve never seen my thinner friends get treated that way. I just finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t for me.

  8. shamekaerby@yahoo.com

    Online dating was trouble for me. Most of the guys I met were just into being physical. They wanted to sleep with me; they didn’t want to date me though. I call them the Undercover Chubby Chasers, lol. They love fat girls at night under the cover of darkness. They’ll send as many late night texts as you want, but the first thing they want to know is when they can come over. I tried multiple sites over a period of months. I met a couple of guys who were good for a few conversations and not much else. The others are like I described above. I felt like it was different for me being plus sized. I know there are weirdos all over these sites, who approach thinner girls too, but I also feel like a lot of them thought that as a fat girl I would be more into their fetishes and more desperate, so more likely to take what little they were offering me. It’s a form of arrogance. They treated me like I should be happy I was even getting their attention. I’ve never seen my thinner friends get treated that way. I just finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t for me.

  9. mikayla

    i’m at the point where i am about to throw in the towel on dating and finding love. i have joined the multiple sites most times i get married men, attached men, men who are chubby chasers or the kind that just want to enact their sexual fantasies with a big girl. oh and don’t let me forget the one’s who have never dated a plus size woman and wants to see what it’s like as if being plus size makes me different to date than any other woman or another species. i have ran across the nigerian scam artists (one very popular site was full of these). if i get another penis pic from some guy who thinks it’s cool i will scream( i hate those).
    I understand everyone has preference and that i’m not going to be every guy’s preference just like every guy will not be my preference but i just can’t do this any longer and keep running into the quality of men that are on these sites now days. whether it’s online or offline it’s looking like a sad situation. i understand that some of these same things happen to all women too but it just seems to me that being a plus size woman, we run into a lot more. i can only speak from what i have encountered and it seems like men just don’t treat a woman the same if she is heavier. we are objects to be played with a not human beings with feelings. sorry but right now, i had to vent. i’m feeling a little down and out.

  10. londa4072@gmail.com

    i’m at the point where i am about to throw in the towel on dating and finding love. i have joined the multiple sites most times i get married men, attached men, men who are chubby chasers or the kind that just want to enact their sexual fantasies with a big girl. oh and don’t let me forget the one’s who have never dated a plus size woman and wants to see what it’s like as if being plus size makes me different to date than any other woman or another species. i have ran across the nigerian scam artists (one very popular site was full of these). if i get another penis pic from some guy who thinks it’s cool i will scream( i hate those).I understand everyone has preference and that i’m not going to be every guy’s preference just like every guy will not be my preference but i just can’t do this any longer and keep running into the quality of men that are on these sites now days. whether it’s online or offline it’s looking like a sad situation. i understand that some of these same things happen to all women too but it just seems to me that being a plus size woman, we run into a lot more. i can only speak from what i have encountered and it seems like men just don’t treat a woman the same if she is heavier. we are objects to be played with a not human beings with feelings. sorry but right now, i had to vent. i’m feeling a little down and out.

  11. Tikeetha

    Absolutely, but you know what? I’m okay with it. I have red-lined a number of potential suitors. I’ve been dating a guy for almost 4 months. We’re developing a friendship. Slow and steady and I just told him my last name a couple of weeks ago when we exchanged emails. I know where he lives and he still doesn’t know where I live. Nothing personal, but that is the home where my son lays his head so he is understanding of that. I’m in no rush to figure this dating thing out. I’m busy just enjoying and developing genuine friendships.

  12. tikeethathomas@gmail.com

    Absolutely, but you know what? I’m okay with it. I have red-lined a number of potential suitors. I’ve been dating a guy for almost 4 months. We’re developing a friendship. Slow and steady and I just told him my last name a couple of weeks ago when we exchanged emails. I know where he lives and he still doesn’t know where I live. Nothing personal, but that is the home where my son lays his head so he is understanding of that. I’m in no rush to figure this dating thing out. I’m busy just enjoying and developing genuine friendships.

  13. Belinda

    Oh the world of online dating. I could go on for days about it. Patience, a sense of humor, and common sense is definitely needed. I went through a rocky rollercoaster with guys who were nice and then turned naughty, to guys who had low self worth and would take it out on me because they thought I was weak in my confidence due to my size. I always went back to the sites to try because I believed whole heartedly in love just like Charlotte from SATC. This really great guy messaged me and we hit it off. So far so good (9 months dating). If you have the time and patience give it a shot. Its good to always have options.

  14. befranco24@gmail.com

    Oh the world of online dating. I could go on for days about it. Patience, a sense of humor, and common sense is definitely needed. I went through a rocky rollercoaster with guys who were nice and then turned naughty, to guys who had low self worth and would take it out on me because they thought I was weak in my confidence due to my size. I always went back to the sites to try because I believed whole heartedly in love just like Charlotte from SATC. This really great guy messaged me and we hit it off. So far so good (9 months dating). If you have the time and patience give it a shot. Its good to always have options.

  15. niesha s

    I don’t think online dating is the biziness for anyone honestly. But it definitely isn’t all that for plus size gals. I mean, I think it kind of brings out the worst in a person. A lot of people get on there and see all these options and try to find their perfect halle/kim/katy mashup. But it’s just regualar people but people treat it like this glorified meat market where all your dreams are supposed to come true. Eh.

  16. nieshasdavis@gmail.com

    I don’t think online dating is the biziness for anyone honestly. But it definitely isn’t all that for plus size gals. I mean, I think it kind of brings out the worst in a person. A lot of people get on there and see all these options and try to find their perfect halle/kim/katy mashup. But it’s just regualar people but people treat it like this glorified meat market where all your dreams are supposed to come true. Eh.

  17. cat

    Oh, no, Cece! Your horror stories are awful! I think the worst guy who found me was the one who tried to convince me about how he was taking a stand against doctrine (phrased less eloquently) by misspelling almost every message he sent to me.

    While I don’t get a ton of messages, for various reasons that probably include my appearance, online dating is occasionally a confidence boost for me. I’m oblivious to signals in person and if nothing else, online dating has given me reassurance that someone finds me attractive. It’s helped me to not immediately conclude that my looks aren’t the reason someone doesn’t respond to my advances, whether in person or online.

  18. the.singing.songwriting.cat@gmail.com

    Oh, no, Cece! Your horror stories are awful! I think the worst guy who found me was the one who tried to convince me about how he was taking a stand against doctrine (phrased less eloquently) by misspelling almost every message he sent to me.
    While I don’t get a ton of messages, for various reasons that probably include my appearance, online dating is occasionally a confidence boost for me. I’m oblivious to signals in person and if nothing else, online dating has given me reassurance that someone finds me attractive. It’s helped me to not immediately conclude that my looks aren’t the reason someone doesn’t respond to my advances, whether in person or online.

  19. itsmejoyd@gmail.com

    Oh my… I thought I was the only one that had those experiences. I made the decision to not settle for creeps. Even the personal trainer one, I had that happen not too long ago. I am much more content with being single and no admirers and living my life with no regrets than I ever was trying to make the meat market make sense. I thought it might be the Miami freak zone that is more plastic and superficial even for bbw’s.

  20. LR184@hotmail.com

    I’ve tried online dating since I was 23, I’m 28 now. The quality of men that messaged me just wasn’t there. Men my father age, men with no jobs, men who couldn’t spell , etc. Till this day I have NEVER been on a date. Yes, NEVER! I don’t get approached when I’m out either. I’ve given up on having any type of love life at all. I guess it is just not meant for me. So, I can do nothing but carry on because I don’t foresee it getting any better.

  21. JD

    Oh my… I thought I was the only one that had those experiences. I made the decision to not settle for creeps. Even the personal trainer one, I had that happen not too long ago. I am much more content with being single and no admirers and living my life with no regrets than I ever was trying to make the meat market make sense. I thought it might be the Miami freak zone that is more plastic and superficial even for bbw’s.

  22. Lunar

    I’ve tried online dating since I was 23, I’m 28 now. The quality of men that messaged me just wasn’t there. Men my father age, men with no jobs, men who couldn’t spell , etc. Till this day I have NEVER been on a date. Yes, NEVER! I don’t get approached when I’m out either. I’ve given up on having any type of love life at all. I guess it is just not meant for me. So, I can do nothing but carry on because I don’t foresee it getting any better.

  23. yvonne

    it is so frustrating… most of the men we meet online just want a taste of what the big gal feels like…away from the skinny “ideal ladies” almost givin up!

  24. yakinyi13@yahoo.com

    it is so frustrating… most of the men we meet online just want a taste of what the big gal feels like…away from the skinny “ideal ladies” almost givin up!

  25. electric lady

    This rings very true for me. I fortunately did eventually meet a great guy while online dating, but I did not get a lot of messages from guys showing genuine interest. Hell, I didn’t even get messages from guys being creepers! I definitely felt as invisible as I felt at bars or with friends. While it is hard to face this indifference/rejection, you truly wouldn’t want to date someone who’d dismiss you by your size. So whatever! 🙂

  26. pablita.santos@gmail.com

    This rings very true for me. I fortunately did eventually meet a great guy while online dating, but I did not get a lot of messages from guys showing genuine interest. Hell, I didn’t even get messages from guys being creepers! I definitely felt as invisible as I felt at bars or with friends. While it is hard to face this indifference/rejection, you truly wouldn’t want to date someone who’d dismiss you by your size. So whatever! 🙂

  27. Tabitha Hollywood

    I have been searching blogs like this for hours, and I have yet to find anyone who actually recommends a dating site to use. That’s honestly what I need the most help on, because anything that’s aimed toward bigger girls that I’ve looked at seem either sketchy or fetishy, neither of which I’m interested in. PLEASE, if you’ve had good luck on an online dating site as a PSP, tell me which sites you used!! 🙂

  28. tabitha.kotrba@gmail.com

    I have been searching blogs like this for hours, and I have yet to find anyone who actually recommends a dating site to use. That’s honestly what I need the most help on, because anything that’s aimed toward bigger girls that I’ve looked at seem either sketchy or fetishy, neither of which I’m interested in. PLEASE, if you’ve had good luck on an online dating site as a PSP, tell me which sites you used!! 🙂

  29. Dirtybubblez

    Dating as a plus size girl is the most discouraging thing ever, the concept of dating sometimes is almost nonexistent. It’s almost depressing, but I see as many committed plus size women out there as I do thinner women, so now I question “what is wrong with me” rather than is it me because I’m bigger.

  30. katsarewild1@yahoo.com

    Dating as a plus size girl is the most discouraging thing ever, the concept of dating sometimes is almost nonexistent. It’s almost depressing, but I see as many committed plus size women out there as I do thinner women, so now I question “what is wrong with me” rather than is it me because I’m bigger.

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