Dating

Dear CeCe: Should I Lose Weight for my Boyfriend? #CurvyConvo

August 4 2014 | CeCe Olisa

Today’s Curvy Conversation comes from Twitter:

Hi CeCe!

I met amazing guy last night who told me I was equally amazing, but would love for me to lose weight while we get together. 

He said it so sweetly, as in “please don’t think you are not beautiful and I do want to be with you just lose a little weight…” part of me was a little sad, but a part of me wanted a reason to get back to the gym because I wasn’t getting ANY love from ANYONE.

He wants to be with me, but wants me to lose weight…I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks, but I kind of do. I kind of feel bad that a guy is the reason I want to get back to the gym, but he is so damn fine Im going HAM on that treadmill! 

I need your advice, should I care that he wants me to lose weight (“not too much I like your curves”) in order to stay w/me?

Hi there,

Thanks for tweeting/writing me 🙂 I’d like to address your question in a special way this week, if you don’t mind.

First, I’m going to give you a few questions to think about, below.

Second, hopefully some of our fellow Plus Size Princesses will chime in and offer your their advice, in the comments section because we all have different experiences when it comes to dating and weight loss. I think different points of view may be helpful here.

Thirdly, I’m going to dive into your question with some of my favorite plus size bloggers during my first #CurvyConvo Live Twitter chat/Video Stream on Sunday August 10th

In the meantime, here are some things for you to consider:

1.) You said you met him last night. Do you think its appropriate for a man you’ve known less than 24 hours to ask you to lose weight?

2.) Do you think motivation to live a healthy/fit life should come from others? or some from within ourselves?

3.) How would you feel if you gained the weight back and he had an issue with it?

4.) How do you feel about the “not too much” comment?

5.) If someone you’ve known for years asked you to lose weight for them– what would you tell them?

Ladies, if you’re reading this and have thoughts/advice for our girl– please help us out in the comments section.

Also, join us as we dive deeper into weight, dating, fashion and more during my #CurvyConvo: Live session.

August 10th

6:00-7:00pm EDT Twitter Chat (use #CurvyConvo, to join)

7:00-7:30pm Live Video Chat (RSVP here)

should i lose weight for my boyfriend plussizeprincess.com

Facebook Comments

99 responses on “Dear CeCe: Should I Lose Weight for my Boyfriend? #CurvyConvo

  1. Sistergirl

    That is crazy for a man you just met to say! You need to loose weight because you realize its a health issue. If you don’t do it for yourself, when he leaves YOU (The relationship is already based on looks) you are going to binge eat and gain all the weight back.

    Love is not just about your outter beauty. Looks change with age. If a man ever said that to me the date would have been over but since you stay and even considered his suggestion you need to look at your self esteem you may be in an awful desperate needy state.

    1. CeCe Olisa

      In general, I agree with your comments, I’m just protective of you guys and want to make sure we’re not hurting each others feelings when we give advice 😉

      Our different dating experiences give us different ideas of what’s “okay”.

      She did mention that her dating well has been running a little dry, so I completely understand entertaining what this guy said in the beginning. But the fact that she’s second guessing things/asking our opinion to me means that deep down she knows this is a red flag moment, which is a good thing!

    2. Dangerously Dark

      Amen Sistergirl!

      Dion, I completely understand what it’s like to be out here in these streets and feel alone (I can’t even tell you the last time I had a “boyfriend” or the frustration of seeing busted chicks with men) but I rather stay alone and work on me if some dude that I just met was telling me to lose “some” weight. Regardless if he added that he thought you were beautiful, pretty, bad or cute, the fact that he is addressing something that you consider “your flaw” off the rip and had to beat around the bush is just a sign that he isn’t comfortable with you just the way you are and probably isn’t comfortable of what his people might say if they ever saw him with you. HE made it HIS flaw/issue that he obviously has with YOU.

      I know you want comments that will soften the blow but sometimes you have to hear it straight up. Take a look from the outside in and re-evaluate your self esteem (and it is NOT easy, trust me I struggle with it daily). Never jump through hoops or let someone else’s words dictate what you should do what’s best for DION. No matter what we look like or what we have to offer, even when we are lonely we have to realize that it’s not always OUR fault or OUR issues as to why we are single. Don’t ever sell yourself short for a moment of happiness regardless of how lonely or how attractive someone else is.

        1. Princess Oluchi Kanya

          A. Friend needs an advice so am asking on her behalf,Hello,i know this post is a year ago but i just stumbled upon it now..i could really use an advice from people who can relate to my own situation..i met this guy 2 years ago,i really couldnt give him audience cos i was in a relationship at that time.even though the relationship was rocky,as he was constantly cheating and pleading.it took a toll on my self esteem,for some reasons (fear of being alone ) i stayed .i spoke to some people who made me feel it was normal for men to cheat,that i shouldnt be bothered since am the one he cares about,my self esteem went down and i started adding weight,from a size 12 to a size 16,the cheating got worst and he started blaming it on my new figure,that he no longer found me sexy or appealing.we broke up eventually but i lost whatever is lost of my self esteem..months later i started talking to this other guy,we became friends on facebooke and could see my pictures,it was pretty obvious that i had added weight but he was so stuck up on my old pictures,we met and he didnt like my weight.i walked him out and moved on although that hurt my self esteem the more,he reconnected with me later and apologised, we began a relationship online and eventualy started hanging out,its been 3 months now and he seems to really like me,he pays details to my every need and tells me am beautiful always. But constantly tells me to go back to a size 12,he is so stuck up on my old pictures and all he does is talk about my former weight and looks.he brought it up again today,saying he isnt used to women my size..now am wondering,is this a relationship i should move forward with or just walk away,find someone who would love me for who i am on the inside,i want to lose weight yes but scared of being with a man who prefers the old me more.what if i gain weight later?he says it in d most gentle manner but am still hurt and confused cos its important i kno he loves me not the looks.please advice me on what to do..cherry

    3. dolly

      I met a guy online who was just obsessed with size 0 skinny girls. He made my life a complete hell. I was emotional, loyal but he only needed sexy hot bikini figure models to have sex with. That guy mentally, emotionally drained me for six months saying if you don’t be like the way I want you to then I will leave you and you forget about me

  2. gospel200@hotmail.com

    That is crazy for a man you just met to say! You need to loose weight because you realize its a health issue. If you don’t do it for yourself, when he leaves YOU (The relationship is already based on looks) you are going to binge eat and gain all the weight back.

    Love is not just about your outter beauty. Looks change with age. If a man ever said that to me the date would have been over but since you stay and even considered his suggestion you need to look at your self esteem you may be in an awful desperate needy state.

    1. nycece@gmail.com

      In general, I agree with your comments, I’m just protective of you guys and want to make sure we’re not hurting each others feelings when we give advice 😉

      Our different dating experiences give us different ideas of what’s “okay”.

      She did mention that her dating well has been running a little dry, so I completely understand entertaining what this guy said in the beginning. But the fact that she’s second guessing things/asking our opinion to me means that deep down she knows this is a red flag moment, which is a good thing!

    2. mssorogheye@hotmail.com

      Amen Sistergirl!

      Dion, I completely understand what it’s like to be out here in these streets and feel alone (I can’t even tell you the last time I had a “boyfriend” or the frustration of seeing busted chicks with men) but I rather stay alone and work on me if some dude that I just met was telling me to lose “some” weight. Regardless if he added that he thought you were beautiful, pretty, bad or cute, the fact that he is addressing something that you consider “your flaw” off the rip and had to beat around the bush is just a sign that he isn’t comfortable with you just the way you are and probably isn’t comfortable of what his people might say if they ever saw him with you. HE made it HIS flaw/issue that he obviously has with YOU.

      I know you want comments that will soften the blow but sometimes you have to hear it straight up. Take a look from the outside in and re-evaluate your self esteem (and it is NOT easy, trust me I struggle with it daily). Never jump through hoops or let someone else’s words dictate what you should do what’s best for DION. No matter what we look like or what we have to offer, even when we are lonely we have to realize that it’s not always OUR fault or OUR issues as to why we are single. Don’t ever sell yourself short for a moment of happiness regardless of how lonely or how attractive someone else is.

        1. pinkyprincess082@yahoo.com

          A. Friend needs an advice so am asking on her behalf,Hello,i know this post is a year ago but i just stumbled upon it now..i could really use an advice from people who can relate to my own situation..i met this guy 2 years ago,i really couldnt give him audience cos i was in a relationship at that time.even though the relationship was rocky,as he was constantly cheating and pleading.it took a toll on my self esteem,for some reasons (fear of being alone ) i stayed .i spoke to some people who made me feel it was normal for men to cheat,that i shouldnt be bothered since am the one he cares about,my self esteem went down and i started adding weight,from a size 12 to a size 16,the cheating got worst and he started blaming it on my new figure,that he no longer found me sexy or appealing.we broke up eventually but i lost whatever is lost of my self esteem..months later i started talking to this other guy,we became friends on facebooke and could see my pictures,it was pretty obvious that i had added weight but he was so stuck up on my old pictures,we met and he didnt like my weight.i walked him out and moved on although that hurt my self esteem the more,he reconnected with me later and apologised, we began a relationship online and eventualy started hanging out,its been 3 months now and he seems to really like me,he pays details to my every need and tells me am beautiful always. But constantly tells me to go back to a size 12,he is so stuck up on my old pictures and all he does is talk about my former weight and looks.he brought it up again today,saying he isnt used to women my size..now am wondering,is this a relationship i should move forward with or just walk away,find someone who would love me for who i am on the inside,i want to lose weight yes but scared of being with a man who prefers the old me more.what if i gain weight later?he says it in d most gentle manner but am still hurt and confused cos its important i kno he loves me not the looks.please advice me on what to do..cherry

    3. jeetindra00@gmail.com

      I met a guy online who was just obsessed with size 0 skinny girls. He made my life a complete hell. I was emotional, loyal but he only needed sexy hot bikini figure models to have sex with. That guy mentally, emotionally drained me for six months saying if you don’t be like the way I want you to then I will leave you and you forget about me

  3. Haylz

    If you just met this guy last night and he already sprang this crap on you, he’s a tool. This kind of stuff is basically an insult twisted around to seem like a compliment. If he thought you were “equally amazing,” then he wouldn’t ask you to lose weight for him. Any guy that asks that is not the guy for you, pure and simple. I can’t tell you how often I heard this from dudes in bars trying to get some. I used to think it wasn’t a big deal, but after I grew up a little I realized it’s just a way for guys to try to assert power over you and that they’re out of line. Call him a f–kboy and move on, girl!

    Also, Sistergirl is right, if you are even remotely considering this, you need to work on building your self-esteem and loving yourself as you are! I used to struggle with it, and I know it’s hard sometimes, but you need to appreciate yourself and realize your self-worth.

    1. CeCe Olisa

      The power thing crossed my mind too… as women, our bodies are such a sensitive subject. When people who we care about begin to assert power in that area, it can be a slippery slope other unhealthy relationship issues.

      Again, I think the fact that she’s tempted to use him as motivation for weight loss is something any of us could’ve done at some point on our self love/body image journeys. But she’s struggling with it enough to ask our opinion, so I give her kudos!

  4. hayley.boso@gmail.com

    If you just met this guy last night and he already sprang this crap on you, he’s a tool. This kind of stuff is basically an insult twisted around to seem like a compliment. If he thought you were “equally amazing,” then he wouldn’t ask you to lose weight for him. Any guy that asks that is not the guy for you, pure and simple. I can’t tell you how often I heard this from dudes in bars trying to get some. I used to think it wasn’t a big deal, but after I grew up a little I realized it’s just a way for guys to try to assert power over you and that they’re out of line. Call him a f–kboy and move on, girl!
    Also, Sistergirl is right, if you are even remotely considering this, you need to work on building your self-esteem and loving yourself as you are! I used to struggle with it, and I know it’s hard sometimes, but you need to appreciate yourself and realize your self-worth.

    1. nycece@gmail.com

      The power thing crossed my mind too… as women, our bodies are such a sensitive subject. When people who we care about begin to assert power in that area, it can be a slippery slope other unhealthy relationship issues.
      Again, I think the fact that she’s tempted to use him as motivation for weight loss is something any of us could’ve done at some point on our self love/body image journeys. But she’s struggling with it enough to ask our opinion, so I give her kudos!

  5. lepetitvolcan

    Don’t deal with a guy who doesn’t love you for you (heart & mind). Love should be unconditional. Not “I will love you but first you have to…” It should be more like, “I really care about you and I want to help and encourage you to be the best you can be. How about we start going to the gym together and cooking healthy meals together at home?” That is the type of man I want to date!

  6. samawanderlust@gmail.com

    Don’t deal with a guy who doesn’t love you for you (heart & mind). Love should be unconditional. Not “I will love you but first you have to…” It should be more like, “I really care about you and I want to help and encourage you to be the best you can be. How about we start going to the gym together and cooking healthy meals together at home?” That is the type of man I want to date!

  7. Dion

    Hey Cece,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question! I am a huge fan of your site and vids, etc the way you are able to convey every thing that I feel about being a PSP in a not so friendly world has been nothing short of amazing. Again thank you!

    Ok, so I guess let me answer your questions here since it would be hard to in 140 characters or less lol I hope I do not come across like an idiot because it’s sometimes diffcult for me to explain myself without sounding like one lol Also I know this is the internet and being open on this forum is asking to be scrutinized but I do ask, if you can, just be a bit gentle with your opinions..if possible.

    1. We met online, spoke on the phone once then decided to meet up. After almost 3 hours of laughing and talking, he started squirming in his chair like he had the most hardest thing to say! He then told me pretty much that I am attractive and funny but that hes “in the gym alot” and looked at me as to say “please figure out what Im trying to say without me saying it” So I continued the sentence and said “and I should be also?” Then THATS when he said “please dont think you are not beautiful and I dont want to be with you. Just lose a little weight” He said it in such a sweet and honest way! As though he didnt want to hurt my feelings.

    What confused me, is, he SAW my pics on my profile! I posted full body pitcures just to avoid any confusion as to what I look like!

    What sucks is I’ve heard this before from people. “You are so beautiful but if you lost weight you would be BAD!” So that made me feel like, I’m not good enough the way I am. And whats funny is, I run, I played/play sports its not like Im unhealthy! Its just that I have HUGE boobs, and a softer middle, yet becuase of this, I need to loose weight in order to be “bad”

    So I said “F it” might as well eat 1-10 on the popeyes menu and eat myself into oblvion because if I cannot be seen beyond the outside, screw it all. Stopped going to the gym, cause even after losing a bit of weight, I STILL was getting passed over like day old bread! It crushed my already fragile confidence.

    2. I know living a healthier lifestyle is something that I should do solely for me, but when I was focused on getting myself healthy it still was hard becuase I was lonely ya know? And in the midst of losing weight, like I said above, I was still not getting love! So I threw in the towel…He sparked an excitment in me that made me want to get out there and work on msyelf again! Even typing this, I feel pathetic but Im being honest.

    3.If I gained the weight back, I guess its safe to say he wont stick around, but in the back of my mind, I keep thinking my charm and humor will win him completely over! So let me lose these pounds to grab his attention and be who I am to keep his attention..so if I DO gain weight…he will be hooked (Oh gosh that sounded 100% dumb I know)

    4. Him asking me not to lose too much weight, I guess shows he likes curvy girls but the type that has boobs and butt for days with the waist of a 9yr old boy.Which, I got the boobs, THATS for sure, my butt could use some work and my middle is a little rounder…a little softer. I mean that gave a little hope cause he doesnt want a super skinny girl!

    5. If someone I’ve known for years aks me to lose weight for them…well that sucks lol This person has known me, weight and all so why should I LOSE weight in order for them to continue to be there…..ahhh damn it Cece I see what you did there lol URGHHH I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

    I havent been in a relationship…like ever. I’m 31, no kids, and have never said “this is my boyfriend” to anyone. Never had a guy say that he wants to be with me exclusively, so when he said that he will continue to get to know me but just lose a bit of weight I didnt see anything TOOOOO bad!

    I hate that this is all I think about! Being the only one in my group of friends who hasnt met someone is like a dang scarlett letter, BURNED into my forehead! I’m a singer, I’m an actress, I’ve won awards, been in amazing reviews, NY TIMES, Daily News all of these awesome things! Yet…but being single is all I think about..and I hate that. I know I am more than my weight, but when I am constantly being reminded that, THAT is all it comes down to…everything I’ve done…seems meaningless.

    OK. Pour the salt 🙁

    1. Amber Jackson

      Hi Dion & CeCe!

      I love CeCe’s blog, and I thank you Dion for sharing as I think this is such a great conversation!

      Look, you’ll see several comments that will give you the ‘love should be unconditional!’, ‘drop him, girl!’, and ‘lose weight for yourself!’ support. And I don’t disagree with them. But living in a large city hugely focused on looks (Los Angeles represent!), I can’t lie and say that looks aren’t a part of attraction. We hate to admit it, but there is a harsh truth of dating: yes, a guy has to at least like how you look on the inside in order to fall in love with what’s on the inside, which we all know is what’s really important, mmm kay? I have never in my life met a couple where one didn’t think the other was physically beautiful; we can’t actually date and fall in love with people with paper bags on their head. And while people will criticize guys like yours as being shallow, self-centered, or something else, I think we should be honest – EVERYONE does it. It’s called physical attraction for a reason.

      That being said, I think it’s fair to go one step further and ask him his motivations. Why does he want you to lose weight? Is it purely physical, and he thinks his attraction will increase proportionate to your waistline decreasing? If so, I’d call b.s. on that and drop him asap. Or maybe is it that he’s active, and wants to make sure you’re cool with going on dates he’d like to do, like hiking or something very active? Or maybe you’re both in your 30s (or 40s, or 50s, I don’t know) and hey, the older we get, the more our mortality becomes real and he wants to make sure you’re both here for the long haul. If you don’t know, I think it’s worthwhile to ask and seek to understand what’s motivating his request.

      At the end of the day, though, any weight loss can be enhanced by external motivations, but to be sustainable it has to begin and end from within you, or it won’t last. So if you’re already thinking about being more healthy and fit, and dating this guy makes you step up the cardio to 60 minutes instead of 30, then I say go for it. Sex gets better as you lose weight, and so that can be plenty of motivation all on its own! 🙂 But, if exercising is the farthest thing from your mind, or active dates make you break out in hives, then maybe it’s time to own that maybe you two are not compatible and let him go on his way while you keep your search alive for Mr. Right.

      Just my $0.02!

      1. CeCe Olisa

        Hey Amber (Cali girls in the house) *throws up westside* lol

        What you’re saying is 100% true. I think for me, the ideal guy thinks I’m beautiful, period. I don’t want a fat fettish guy who gets mad when I lose and I don’t want someone who’s gonna try to make me into something I’m not.

        Looks are important, but as a woman I’m attracted to many different types of men, I find that the guys I tend to date seem to be the same way. If only I could clone these guys and pass them out to all my girls… *sigh*

        1. nicthommi

          I add that looks are important but also subjective. So this man may not be for you. And there are women of all sizes who feel like they never get the guy. it’s easy to assume it’s the weight but there is a lot to be said for the power of self-love and confidence and how it attracts ppl. I feel as if I’ve known women of all sizes and all looks who consistently attracted men, and their own belief in themselves was probably a big part of that.

      2. AstarteOurania

        I don’t think there is any point to ask him his motivations, people who make that kind of statement are telling you up front that they want you to look different for them and that they are not comfortable with you as you are…or he’s on a power trip.

        If he was actually interested in having a partner who like fitness or sports activities, he would have asked her what her fitness/sports interests are and could they do those kinds of activities together. Or they talk about the importance of being healthy in mind and body to them, etc. They don’t clunk you on the head about losing weight so they can be with you.

        Would you ever say what he said to a potential date? I think that’s the question people need to ask themselves if this stuff comes at them. For me, I wouldn’t – 1. It’s not polite, 2. if the exercise was my priority, I’d ask questions about a person’s interests to determine that they are not sedentary so I would have someone who matches my lifestyle or just observe them in action.

    2. Tikeetha Thomas

      Dion, you are beautiful just the way you are. Don’t let others try to define you. As a PSP too, I have always attracted men because of my confident attitude. If you don’t like me now, screw you. Find a good work out partner, and just relax. What God has for you is just for you. That can’t be denied. Hugs girl!

  8. funnygirl11237@yahoo.com

    Hey Cece,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question! I am a huge fan of your site and vids, etc the way you are able to convey every thing that I feel about being a PSP in a not so friendly world has been nothing short of amazing. Again thank you!

    Ok, so I guess let me answer your questions here since it would be hard to in 140 characters or less lol I hope I do not come across like an idiot because it’s sometimes diffcult for me to explain myself without sounding like one lol Also I know this is the internet and being open on this forum is asking to be scrutinized but I do ask, if you can, just be a bit gentle with your opinions..if possible.

    1. We met online, spoke on the phone once then decided to meet up. After almost 3 hours of laughing and talking, he started squirming in his chair like he had the most hardest thing to say! He then told me pretty much that I am attractive and funny but that hes “in the gym alot” and looked at me as to say “please figure out what Im trying to say without me saying it” So I continued the sentence and said “and I should be also?” Then THATS when he said “please dont think you are not beautiful and I dont want to be with you. Just lose a little weight” He said it in such a sweet and honest way! As though he didnt want to hurt my feelings.

    What confused me, is, he SAW my pics on my profile! I posted full body pitcures just to avoid any confusion as to what I look like!

    What sucks is I’ve heard this before from people. “You are so beautiful but if you lost weight you would be BAD!” So that made me feel like, I’m not good enough the way I am. And whats funny is, I run, I played/play sports its not like Im unhealthy! Its just that I have HUGE boobs, and a softer middle, yet becuase of this, I need to loose weight in order to be “bad”

    So I said “F it” might as well eat 1-10 on the popeyes menu and eat myself into oblvion because if I cannot be seen beyond the outside, screw it all. Stopped going to the gym, cause even after losing a bit of weight, I STILL was getting passed over like day old bread! It crushed my already fragile confidence.

    2. I know living a healthier lifestyle is something that I should do solely for me, but when I was focused on getting myself healthy it still was hard becuase I was lonely ya know? And in the midst of losing weight, like I said above, I was still not getting love! So I threw in the towel…He sparked an excitment in me that made me want to get out there and work on msyelf again! Even typing this, I feel pathetic but Im being honest.

    3.If I gained the weight back, I guess its safe to say he wont stick around, but in the back of my mind, I keep thinking my charm and humor will win him completely over! So let me lose these pounds to grab his attention and be who I am to keep his attention..so if I DO gain weight…he will be hooked (Oh gosh that sounded 100% dumb I know)

    4. Him asking me not to lose too much weight, I guess shows he likes curvy girls but the type that has boobs and butt for days with the waist of a 9yr old boy.Which, I got the boobs, THATS for sure, my butt could use some work and my middle is a little rounder…a little softer. I mean that gave a little hope cause he doesnt want a super skinny girl!

    5. If someone I’ve known for years aks me to lose weight for them…well that sucks lol This person has known me, weight and all so why should I LOSE weight in order for them to continue to be there…..ahhh damn it Cece I see what you did there lol URGHHH I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

    I havent been in a relationship…like ever. I’m 31, no kids, and have never said “this is my boyfriend” to anyone. Never had a guy say that he wants to be with me exclusively, so when he said that he will continue to get to know me but just lose a bit of weight I didnt see anything TOOOOO bad!

    I hate that this is all I think about! Being the only one in my group of friends who hasnt met someone is like a dang scarlett letter, BURNED into my forehead! I’m a singer, I’m an actress, I’ve won awards, been in amazing reviews, NY TIMES, Daily News all of these awesome things! Yet…but being single is all I think about..and I hate that. I know I am more than my weight, but when I am constantly being reminded that, THAT is all it comes down to…everything I’ve done…seems meaningless.

    OK. Pour the salt 🙁

    1. tikeethathomas@gmail.com

      Dion, you are beautiful just the way you are. Don’t let others try to define you. As a PSP too, I have always attracted men because of my confident attitude. If you don’t like me now, screw you. Find a good work out partner, and just relax. What God has for you is just for you. That can’t be denied. Hugs girl!

  9. Nicole Wilson

    I can certainly understand how tempting it is to be both flattered not flattered by his comment. Instead of rushing into “dating”, maybe you can ease into a friendship with this man as you work on your health (but only if you want to). That way, you are getting to know each other on a deeper level without the title of “bf/gf” and you can better assess if he wants you for “you” or “you when you lose a few.”

    1. CeCe Olisa

      Nicole, this sounds like a good compromise… if it were me, I’d just need to pray for strength to keep friends in the friend zone and not get into grey areas… especially if I really wanted him to be my boyfriend. I do like the idea of letting him prove himself, before we follow all of his weight loss requests 🙂

  10. knicolewilson1977@gmail.com

    I can certainly understand how tempting it is to be both flattered not flattered by his comment. Instead of rushing into “dating”, maybe you can ease into a friendship with this man as you work on your health (but only if you want to). That way, you are getting to know each other on a deeper level without the title of “bf/gf” and you can better assess if he wants you for “you” or “you when you lose a few.”

    1. nycece@gmail.com

      Nicole, this sounds like a good compromise… if it were me, I’d just need to pray for strength to keep friends in the friend zone and not get into grey areas… especially if I really wanted him to be my boyfriend. I do like the idea of letting him prove himself, before we follow all of his weight loss requests 🙂

  11. Robin Michael Rush

    #1 Considering ‘losing weight’ after suggestions from others hint at possibly being a ‘people pleaser’. Wanting to lose weight should come from within. #2 Are you seeking health and wellness? or are you seeking to score a significant other? #3 Will you continue your regime if the relationship doesn’t work out? Or are you telling yourself (and others) I’m doing this for him? #4 Were you happy with yourself and your life before you met him? #5 Since you just met this person and you have been with yourself much longer, I would say you are not emotionally healthy for a relationship right now. Your self esteem is at stake. Be careful. There’s a lot of sharks out there. Embark on your total wellness journey first (http://bigbeautifulwellness.com/wordpress/bbwellness). Then it will be easier to navigate the dating/relationship waters.

  12. robindrush@netzero.com

    #1 Considering ‘losing weight’ after suggestions from others hint at possibly being a ‘people pleaser’. Wanting to lose weight should come from within. #2 Are you seeking health and wellness? or are you seeking to score a significant other? #3 Will you continue your regime if the relationship doesn’t work out? Or are you telling yourself (and others) I’m doing this for him? #4 Were you happy with yourself and your life before you met him? #5 Since you just met this person and you have been with yourself much longer, I would say you are not emotionally healthy for a relationship right now. Your self esteem is at stake. Be careful. There’s a lot of sharks out there. Embark on your total wellness journey first (http://bigbeautifulwellness.com/wordpress/bbwellness). Then it will be easier to navigate the dating/relationship waters.

  13. HisHandmaiden

    This is a great conversation! Everyone has been there: romantic dry spell, considering the compromise option, losing weight (or fill in the blank vice) for the wrong external reasons, etc… Lonliness can be a great motivation, however, quite often in the wrong direction. Again, great conversation!

  14. brumuk@hotmail.com

    This is a great conversation! Everyone has been there: romantic dry spell, considering the compromise option, losing weight (or fill in the blank vice) for the wrong external reasons, etc… Lonliness can be a great motivation, however, quite often in the wrong direction. Again, great conversation!

  15. cathy4cc@gmail.com

    Dion, thank you for sharing such a personal story! And thanks to CeCe for addressing it! I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said about his overstepping and saying he wanted you to lose weight. There is no love in that statement. Now, if you are in a loving relationship and one person says to the other “We should start taking better care of ourselves. Why don’t we go walking together and add some more vegetables into our diet?” That is a loving request that comes from a place of health and care. It’s about loving yourself and caring for you body, not about a number on a scale. If someone’s focus is weight loss, they don’t have your health in mind. They want you to look a certain way. And you don’t owe that to anyone.

  16. nicthommi

    No, you should not lose or gain weight for anyone else. It has to be your choice. I agree with CeCe. This guy just met you and is already dictating how much you should weigh?
    Let’s flip it? What if you found out how much money he made and told him he needed to try to make more, just a bit. Or if he has no muscles and you told him to tone up a little? Would you feel out of line dictating anything to him now or with anyone you actually were in a relationship with.

    The other thing is that you don’t want to be with someone who “conditionally” loves you. I know someone who met a guy, got engaged, and then was pressured to lose weight. She did, unhealthily, and the last time I saw her before her wedding she had black rings under her eyes. Apparently her new MIL and SIL criticize her weight. And when she hit her “goal” her fiance (now husband) said “good, now you look like a woman, you looked like a block before.”

    Do you really want to live like that? She’s going to live her life being insulted or cared for less each time she gains weight. I know it might seem rough out there for plus sized women but you know, they get married and date just like everyone else. And you can find someone who is okay with you as you are, and also you if you gain or lose weight, which is really the best.

  17. athomasz@umich.edu

    No, you should not lose or gain weight for anyone else. It has to be your choice. I agree with CeCe. This guy just met you and is already dictating how much you should weigh?Let’s flip it? What if you found out how much money he made and told him he needed to try to make more, just a bit. Or if he has no muscles and you told him to tone up a little? Would you feel out of line dictating anything to him now or with anyone you actually were in a relationship with.

    The other thing is that you don’t want to be with someone who “conditionally” loves you. I know someone who met a guy, got engaged, and then was pressured to lose weight. She did, unhealthily, and the last time I saw her before her wedding she had black rings under her eyes. Apparently her new MIL and SIL criticize her weight. And when she hit her “goal” her fiance (now husband) said “good, now you look like a woman, you looked like a block before.”

    Do you really want to live like that? She’s going to live her life being insulted or cared for less each time she gains weight. I know it might seem rough out there for plus sized women but you know, they get married and date just like everyone else. And you can find someone who is okay with you as you are, and also you if you gain or lose weight, which is really the best.

  18. Oaklandish

    I think you’ve got to go with your gut and do what you feel comfortable with. I personally would be taken aback if a man I just met said this to me. It kind of makes him seem controlling, and I’d hate to see you get yourself in a spiral where you’re constantly seeking his approval. I had a friend that would always get with men who would run this game where they would pick at her “flaws” to make her feel bad about herself and to feel thankful that some idiot paid her the time of day. It was an unhealthy pattern.

    That said, my own long term significant other expressed his concern over my weight gain and asked me to get serious about weight loss. In this case, I don’t think my man was out of bounds for doing so because we had been together for a long time and he wasn’t being unreasonable like asking me to be a size 2 just after giving birth to quintuplets or after going through some difficult medical issue. He didn’t give me ultimatums like lose the 50 lbs or I’m gone, but even though I knew he wasn’t going anywhere it hurt to hear it because it signaled that he didn’t find me as sexy as he used to. We’ve all got our own intrinsic and external motivators. Looking my personal best for my boo is one of mine. It works for me, but I know his heart. It might be too soon for you to really know whether this new man’s heart bleeds genuinely.

  19. shehavoc@hotmail.com

    I think you’ve got to go with your gut and do what you feel comfortable with. I personally would be taken aback if a man I just met said this to me. It kind of makes him seem controlling, and I’d hate to see you get yourself in a spiral where you’re constantly seeking his approval. I had a friend that would always get with men who would run this game where they would pick at her “flaws” to make her feel bad about herself and to feel thankful that some idiot paid her the time of day. It was an unhealthy pattern.
    That said, my own long term significant other expressed his concern over my weight gain and asked me to get serious about weight loss. In this case, I don’t think my man was out of bounds for doing so because we had been together for a long time and he wasn’t being unreasonable like asking me to be a size 2 just after giving birth to quintuplets or after going through some difficult medical issue. He didn’t give me ultimatums like lose the 50 lbs or I’m gone, but even though I knew he wasn’t going anywhere it hurt to hear it because it signaled that he didn’t find me as sexy as he used to. We’ve all got our own intrinsic and external motivators. Looking my personal best for my boo is one of mine. It works for me, but I know his heart. It might be too soon for you to really know whether this new man’s heart bleeds genuinely.

  20. Lona nods

    losing weight should be about you and only you and not for this guy. i understand all too well about dating and how hard it is sometimes for plus size women to find date and quality dates at that but for him to say what he said to you was not fair. if he has a problem with the way you look then he shouldnt have approach you at all. he should have kept it moving.
    let’s say this does turn into a relationship and you lose the weight for him, what else is he going to find about you that you need to change in order for him to be with you. he may not just stop at the weight issue if you two end up having a relationship. i think you need to be very careful with this guy if you decide to keep in contact with him. take it slow with him or better yet, keep looking.

  21. londa4072@gmail.com

    losing weight should be about you and only you and not for this guy. i understand all too well about dating and how hard it is sometimes for plus size women to find date and quality dates at that but for him to say what he said to you was not fair. if he has a problem with the way you look then he shouldnt have approach you at all. he should have kept it moving.let’s say this does turn into a relationship and you lose the weight for him, what else is he going to find about you that you need to change in order for him to be with you. he may not just stop at the weight issue if you two end up having a relationship. i think you need to be very careful with this guy if you decide to keep in contact with him. take it slow with him or better yet, keep looking.

  22. Zorah

    I can’t imagine someone saying that to me on the first date. But I understand where you’re coming from, I was single for a pretty long time too. But I think I was single for a reason. I wasn’t really ready to date. My self esteem just wasn’t where it needed to be for me to really find and let someone in. I also get that dating is hard and can seem abysmal at times. I was online dating for about a year and it definitely ebbs and flows, sometimes you see some great guys sometimes… not so much. I think you have to loose weight for yourself. Your significant other, family, kids etc. can be a motivation sure but they should be a motivation because you made them one, not because on the first date they told you shape up or ship out. I would be weary of any guy who told you that on the first date. He barely knows you and already he’s telling you to loose weight? really? If you’re really smitten with him i’d advise, as another poster did, to take it real slow and establish a friendship before things get too hot and heavy. Find out what this guy is really like. It’s easy to meet someone online and instantly feel like they’re a great match for you and start picturing the amazing relationship you two could have. Want and desire can easily cloud judgement, I know i’ve been there. But in reality you barely know him and if he’s already asking things like this I’d be weary of what else he has in store.

  23. zorah.johnson@gmail.com

    I can’t imagine someone saying that to me on the first date. But I understand where you’re coming from, I was single for a pretty long time too. But I think I was single for a reason. I wasn’t really ready to date. My self esteem just wasn’t where it needed to be for me to really find and let someone in. I also get that dating is hard and can seem abysmal at times. I was online dating for about a year and it definitely ebbs and flows, sometimes you see some great guys sometimes… not so much. I think you have to loose weight for yourself. Your significant other, family, kids etc. can be a motivation sure but they should be a motivation because you made them one, not because on the first date they told you shape up or ship out. I would be weary of any guy who told you that on the first date. He barely knows you and already he’s telling you to loose weight? really? If you’re really smitten with him i’d advise, as another poster did, to take it real slow and establish a friendship before things get too hot and heavy. Find out what this guy is really like. It’s easy to meet someone online and instantly feel like they’re a great match for you and start picturing the amazing relationship you two could have. Want and desire can easily cloud judgement, I know i’ve been there. But in reality you barely know him and if he’s already asking things like this I’d be weary of what else he has in store.

  24. slavetofashion

    Dion, thank you for sharing such a personal story! And thanks to CeCe for addressing it! I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said about his overstepping and saying he wanted you to lose weight. There is no love in that statement. Now, if you are in a loving relationship and one person says to the other “We should start taking better care of ourselves. Why don’t we go walking together and add some more vegetables into our diet?” That is a loving request that comes from a place of health and care. It’s about loving yourself and caring for you body, not about a number on a scale. If someone’s focus is weight loss, they don’t have your health in mind. They want you to look a certain way. And you don’t owe that to anyone.

  25. Tikeetha Thomas

    I’m with you. I don’t think a man you just met last night should ever tell you that. I have always said that I may not be every man’s cup of tea because of my curves, but I do work out and I do try to eat healthy. I may never be a size 6, but if you can’t love and accept me at this size, what makes me believe you will accept me at any size? I would encourage her to seek therapy because she’s having self-esteem issues because of the lack of attention from men. Self love is the key to any relationship. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?

  26. tikeethathomas@gmail.com

    I’m with you. I don’t think a man you just met last night should ever tell you that. I have always said that I may not be every man’s cup of tea because of my curves, but I do work out and I do try to eat healthy. I may never be a size 6, but if you can’t love and accept me at this size, what makes me believe you will accept me at any size? I would encourage her to seek therapy because she’s having self-esteem issues because of the lack of attention from men. Self love is the key to any relationship. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?

  27. Char

    I think it is too soon to determine if you should lose weight for this guy. You only just met him. I don’t see anything wrong if you were already in a relationship and he was supportive, encouraging and positive in helping you with your weight loss journey. He only just met you and is already asking you to change your appearance? Only you can decide, but it seems too pushy to me.

  28. weathyarms00@gmail.com

    I think it is too soon to determine if you should lose weight for this guy. You only just met him. I don’t see anything wrong if you were already in a relationship and he was supportive, encouraging and positive in helping you with your weight loss journey. He only just met you and is already asking you to change your appearance? Only you can decide, but it seems too pushy to me.

  29. Mpho Magolego

    I can’t help but think what else he will be asking you nicely to do. I know it’s a show and it’s not real and because I’m im SA I’m behind in episodes, but on the show Drop Dead Diva I was rooting for Owen, because Owen saw Jane and loved her completely for who she is. For someone to make such a request so early in the relationship concerns me a lot. It sounds to me like it had nothing to do with you but actually with him. Does he know how active you are or not? Does he know what your health conditions are? Did you express dissatisfaction abt your body? If he had asked you to exercise with him I would be rooting for him or he was worried about your health. But it appears he is worried about how he looks with you. I understand how you feel though, your longings and frustrations and the waning hope. I understand.

  30. mohauster@gmail.com

    I can’t help but think what else he will be asking you nicely to do. I know it’s a show and it’s not real and because I’m im SA I’m behind in episodes, but on the show Drop Dead Diva I was rooting for Owen, because Owen saw Jane and loved her completely for who she is. For someone to make such a request so early in the relationship concerns me a lot. It sounds to me like it had nothing to do with you but actually with him. Does he know how active you are or not? Does he know what your health conditions are? Did you express dissatisfaction abt your body? If he had asked you to exercise with him I would be rooting for him or he was worried about your health. But it appears he is worried about how he looks with you. I understand how you feel though, your longings and frustrations and the waning hope. I understand.

  31. Croi

    Hi

    Forget about you and whether you should or should not lose weight.
    That is something for you. Can we get back to the real issue: His bad
    behaviour!!

    – Why he had such bad manners as to address this topic on a first date?

    I am wondering why you would be interested in a man who, on a first
    date, shows you so clearly that he has 1) Appalling lack of acceptable
    manners by brining up this topic on a first date, 2) Who has shown you
    that he isn’t interested in who you are now and 3) Who should a huge
    lack of care on potentially hurting your feelings on what can be a
    very sensitive topic.

    In what world has it become socially acceptable to ask a person on a
    first date if they are interested in fundamental change to their
    person? He sounds like a doucebag.

    It leads me to think that he wasn’t willing to put time into you
    without know this. If he genuinely liked you, he would date you and
    let it come up naturally, and also accept that this weight might be
    your weight.

    I’ve had people say things about me and my weight before and I always
    reply that this is who I am and I’m not looking to change right now.
    With someone who brings it up for sincere reasons and who knows me
    well I might elaborate on what my health and weight goals are etc but
    normally I don’t. I’m not going to justify myself to anybody.

    And on waiting to meet someone, I hear you. I’m 38 and I’m dating a
    fantastic guy. He loves being with me and would not ask me to change.
    He’s cute and super fit (his in the navy, runs marathons etc) but does
    not use it as a stick to beat me with. He feels lucky to be with me,
    and I’ll tell you what, he is. I’m great just the way I am.

  32. croi789@yahoo.co.uk

    Hi
    Forget about you and whether you should or should not lose weight.
    That is something for you. Can we get back to the real issue: His bad
    behaviour!!

    – Why he had such bad manners as to address this topic on a first date?

    I am wondering why you would be interested in a man who, on a first
    date, shows you so clearly that he has 1) Appalling lack of acceptable
    manners by brining up this topic on a first date, 2) Who has shown you
    that he isn’t interested in who you are now and 3) Who should a huge
    lack of care on potentially hurting your feelings on what can be a
    very sensitive topic.

    In what world has it become socially acceptable to ask a person on a
    first date if they are interested in fundamental change to their
    person? He sounds like a doucebag.

    It leads me to think that he wasn’t willing to put time into you
    without know this. If he genuinely liked you, he would date you and
    let it come up naturally, and also accept that this weight might be
    your weight.

    I’ve had people say things about me and my weight before and I always
    reply that this is who I am and I’m not looking to change right now.
    With someone who brings it up for sincere reasons and who knows me
    well I might elaborate on what my health and weight goals are etc but
    normally I don’t. I’m not going to justify myself to anybody.

    And on waiting to meet someone, I hear you. I’m 38 and I’m dating a
    fantastic guy. He loves being with me and would not ask me to change.
    He’s cute and super fit (his in the navy, runs marathons etc) but does
    not use it as a stick to beat me with. He feels lucky to be with me,
    and I’ll tell you what, he is. I’m great just the way I am.

  33. Dion

    Hi Cece! Its me again, so heres the joke. He just texted me that hes not attracted to me.

    That he only wanted to be my friend, actaully, word for word this is what he texted me

    “Youre a very nice person, but Im not attracted to you in that way. very cool person…somewhere along the lines I thought we could get to know each other but on the friends basis more than anything”

    So when he said he liked me, when he said he wanted to be with me, it all was a freaking game. Im just done with dateing Cece, all men do are play games with womens feelings. I dont care what anyone says, they are all the same. Ive been hurt too many times to think differently now. Thanks for trying to help, and all the advice you and the commenters have left. I’m making up in my mind to just be alone, my heart cant handle another let down. I may be over reacting, but all I want is to love someone and have someone love me. Ive taken care of myself for a long time, is it bad to want someone to say “I got this baby, I can do this for you baby, dont worry baby I love you, I will do it” Someone who cares and thinks about me?!

    And I know, I know its important to love myself, I get it, but how many times can I be toyed with and NOT think its me?! Im just done.

    1. soflyandloced .

      Girl he just made it easier for you! Showed his truer colors even more by sending you that text. He is a perfect example of what I call a clown! Block his number and keep it moving. You’re a beautiful girl and you are in the same boat as a lot of us. I’m at a point I don’t even think about a relationship. I just accepted that I will become a cat lady with an intense shoe collection! Lol

    2. nicthommi

      Just from your avi it is obvious you are very beautiful. Take time to take care of yourself. Look at this as a break. Plenty of ladies find high quality love without every hitting single digit sizes. But definitely take time to heal b/c I know this stings.
      There are plenty of somebodies out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved, but perhaps some time off will help you figure out how to find more of them.

    3. Nikki

      Oh goodness, Dion. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It sucks so bad, and I can feel the hurt in your message. If I were sitting next to you, I would give you a huge hug and tell you that it’s going to be okay.

      A couple of things:
      Maya Angelou (RIP) once said, when someone shows you who they really are, believe him. And this guy was showing who he really is. From what you’ve told us, I truly believe that he liked you A LOT. He wanted to be more than friends, and he had a good time with you. This is why he squirmed and why he was so uncomfortable. You picked up on that; you didn’t make that up. But he’s also under a lot of unfair and ugly social pressure to date only a certain “type” of woman and he caved. Most American men are under a lot of pressure, mostly from asshole friends, who tell them to date supermodel lookalikes and to make a lot of money and to drive huge, gas-guzzling car. Your fella? He’s not strong, not yet at least, and he hasn’t figured out who he is.

      But, dear Dion, you are. You are glorious and beautiful. This is why that stupid text message hurts so much. It’s a lie. it was a weasly way out. You knew he wanted more. (Why would he spend 3 hour talking and giggling and slapping knees, if he just wanted to “be friends”?) Maybe he was on track to be the straight-up guy that you spend an afternoon with, if only he was strong enough to walk the walk. But he wasn’t. And now you feel like giving up.

      And, seriously, that’s normal. Absolutely. Go ahead and feel like giving up. I can say that because in I know in two months, you’ll feel like trying again. This is hard stuff, but make you’re way through it. Learn what you can from this pain. And then move on.

      One final thing – I am a plus-sized woman of color, it appears that you are a woman of color too. It’s really really important to remember that woman of color, particularly plus-sized ones, have it particularly hard when it comes to dating in the United States When I date white men here, I often wonder if he’s up to the challenge of walking the walk; that is, treating me respectfully and like a human being. When I date men of color, I find myself wondering again! But this time it’s if this man of color will treat my respectfully as a feminist. It’s tough. And it’s one of those things that can’t be changed.

      Give yourself credit for being one tough cookie, for being incredibly resilient. True love was made for you, even you and especially you.

      Take care, dear heart.

  34. funnygirl11237@yahoo.com

    Hi Cece! Its me again, so heres the joke. He just texted me that hes not attracted to me.
    That he only wanted to be my friend, actaully, word for word this is what he texted me

    “Youre a very nice person, but Im not attracted to you in that way. very cool person…somewhere along the lines I thought we could get to know each other but on the friends basis more than anything”

    So when he said he liked me, when he said he wanted to be with me, it all was a freaking game. Im just done with dateing Cece, all men do are play games with womens feelings. I dont care what anyone says, they are all the same. Ive been hurt too many times to think differently now. Thanks for trying to help, and all the advice you and the commenters have left. I’m making up in my mind to just be alone, my heart cant handle another let down. I may be over reacting, but all I want is to love someone and have someone love me. Ive taken care of myself for a long time, is it bad to want someone to say “I got this baby, I can do this for you baby, dont worry baby I love you, I will do it” Someone who cares and thinks about me?!

    And I know, I know its important to love myself, I get it, but how many times can I be toyed with and NOT think its me?! Im just done.

    1. sosweetindeed@gmail.com

      Girl he just made it easier for you! Showed his truer colors even more by sending you that text. He is a perfect example of what I call a clown! Block his number and keep it moving. You’re a beautiful girl and you are in the same boat as a lot of us. I’m at a point I don’t even think about a relationship. I just accepted that I will become a cat lady with an intense shoe collection! Lol

    2. athomasz@umich.edu

      Just from your avi it is obvious you are very beautiful. Take time to take care of yourself. Look at this as a break. Plenty of ladies find high quality love without every hitting single digit sizes. But definitely take time to heal b/c I know this stings.There are plenty of somebodies out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved, but perhaps some time off will help you figure out how to find more of them.

    3. nlmbrown@gmail.com

      Oh goodness, Dion. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It sucks so bad, and I can feel the hurt in your message. If I were sitting next to you, I would give you a huge hug and tell you that it’s going to be okay.
      A couple of things:
      Maya Angelou (RIP) once said, when someone shows you who they really are, believe him. And this guy was showing who he really is. From what you’ve told us, I truly believe that he liked you A LOT. He wanted to be more than friends, and he had a good time with you. This is why he squirmed and why he was so uncomfortable. You picked up on that; you didn’t make that up. But he’s also under a lot of unfair and ugly social pressure to date only a certain “type” of woman and he caved. Most American men are under a lot of pressure, mostly from asshole friends, who tell them to date supermodel lookalikes and to make a lot of money and to drive huge, gas-guzzling car. Your fella? He’s not strong, not yet at least, and he hasn’t figured out who he is.

      But, dear Dion, you are. You are glorious and beautiful. This is why that stupid text message hurts so much. It’s a lie. it was a weasly way out. You knew he wanted more. (Why would he spend 3 hour talking and giggling and slapping knees, if he just wanted to “be friends”?) Maybe he was on track to be the straight-up guy that you spend an afternoon with, if only he was strong enough to walk the walk. But he wasn’t. And now you feel like giving up.

      And, seriously, that’s normal. Absolutely. Go ahead and feel like giving up. I can say that because in I know in two months, you’ll feel like trying again. This is hard stuff, but make you’re way through it. Learn what you can from this pain. And then move on.

      One final thing – I am a plus-sized woman of color, it appears that you are a woman of color too. It’s really really important to remember that woman of color, particularly plus-sized ones, have it particularly hard when it comes to dating in the United States When I date white men here, I often wonder if he’s up to the challenge of walking the walk; that is, treating me respectfully and like a human being. When I date men of color, I find myself wondering again! But this time it’s if this man of color will treat my respectfully as a feminist. It’s tough. And it’s one of those things that can’t be changed.

      Give yourself credit for being one tough cookie, for being incredibly resilient. True love was made for you, even you and especially you.

      Take care, dear heart.

  35. AstarteOurania

    I would totally be offended if someone I just met, or even someone I was with, said that to me. It’s the old, “I’d like you better if you did, X,Y,Z” trip that people use to manipulate people they see as weak. It does sound controlling as first it’s your weight, then it’s how you dress, then your hair and so on and so forth. Too much self respect to fall for that crap. So go to the gym & work your ass off and I am sure you will continue to look wonderful and find a truly honorable, great guy to date.

  36. evangelia@aol.com

    I would totally be offended if someone I just met, or even someone I was with, said that to me. It’s the old, “I’d like you better if you did, X,Y,Z” trip that people use to manipulate people they see as weak. It does sound controlling as first it’s your weight, then it’s how you dress, then your hair and so on and so forth. Too much self respect to fall for that crap. So go to the gym & work your ass off and I am sure you will continue to look wonderful and find a truly honorable, great guy to date.

  37. Dion

    Update:

    Well after reading all the comments and watching the #curvyconvo chat over at google through youtube (thank you so much again for taking the time to help me ladies!) I realized that I do need to work on myself. I have had low self-esteem for so long, that its become part of my existence. I would associate beauty with being tall, skinny, round butt, small but full breasts, tiny waist, hour glass figure. And here I am, with broad shoulders, round stomach, HUGE breasts, tiny butt and skinny legs pretty much the “apple”, and thinking I am not beautiful, Im disgusting, Im horrendous, just every negative and disgusting adjetive one can call themselves…I called myself. I have thought of ending my life (I’m going to be 100% honest here because everyone has been so kind to me. I no longer have those kind of thoughts) and just felt worthless! When people told me that I was beautiful, I would ARGUE with them the 10 reasons why they were wrong for calling me beautiful! So when this guy was going to give me any type of attention and “all” I needed to do was lose weight, I was going to do it without a second thought.

    But he gave me the kick in the head I needed because after he texted me that he wasnt attracted to me (yes. please see the last post I wrote and my actual meltdown lol urgh) and sending me into a sprial of self hate and haterd of men, after reading all of your wonderful encourging comments….I decided that I really need to learn to love myself. This guy, whom I only met twice, spoke on the phone maybe 3 times, had so much power over me, that I was not only going to do anything to get and keep him, BUT when he texted me that he is not intrested in me after all, I damn near almost walked into traffic! I mean, who does that?! *sigh*

    So I decided, that maybe this isnt the best time to date other people, but to date me. lol Does that make sense? I will ask myself out on a date, I will dress MYSELF up for ME, I will learn about my likes and dislikes…pretty much get to know ME. I will learn to love my curves, my scars, and remind myself that my identity wasnt created to be with a “man” but to fullfill whatever amazing thing God has planned for my life. Being alone has been a struggle, I would ask myself so many times “whats wrong with me, why dont boys like me?” *said in my 13 yr old voice, but maybe God is trying to protect me from myself. I’m so vulnerable/fragile that a man would do or say anything to me and only GOD knows where that would leave me in that so called type of relationship down the road (run on sentence I’m sorry lol)

    So with all that said, I’m going to take care of Dion first, love Dion first and just focus on Dion lol Thank you so much everyone for commenting and being so nice, I really needed it. Cece thank you for the 100th time, for taking the time to asnwer this insane question I gave, for your site, for your insight and just for being you!

    It wont be easy breaking out of the habit of not loving my body but I once read a post over on tumblr that read along the lines of “You’ve hated yourself for so long and gotten nowhere, lets see what would happen when you love yourself. I dare you”

    Challenge accepted 🙂

  38. funnygirl11237@yahoo.com

    Update:
    Well after reading all the comments and watching the #curvyconvo chat over at google through youtube (thank you so much again for taking the time to help me ladies!) I realized that I do need to work on myself. I have had low self-esteem for so long, that its become part of my existence. I would associate beauty with being tall, skinny, round butt, small but full breasts, tiny waist, hour glass figure. And here I am, with broad shoulders, round stomach, HUGE breasts, tiny butt and skinny legs pretty much the “apple”, and thinking I am not beautiful, Im disgusting, Im horrendous, just every negative and disgusting adjetive one can call themselves…I called myself. I have thought of ending my life (I’m going to be 100% honest here because everyone has been so kind to me. I no longer have those kind of thoughts) and just felt worthless! When people told me that I was beautiful, I would ARGUE with them the 10 reasons why they were wrong for calling me beautiful! So when this guy was going to give me any type of attention and “all” I needed to do was lose weight, I was going to do it without a second thought.

    But he gave me the kick in the head I needed because after he texted me that he wasnt attracted to me (yes. please see the last post I wrote and my actual meltdown lol urgh) and sending me into a sprial of self hate and haterd of men, after reading all of your wonderful encourging comments….I decided that I really need to learn to love myself. This guy, whom I only met twice, spoke on the phone maybe 3 times, had so much power over me, that I was not only going to do anything to get and keep him, BUT when he texted me that he is not intrested in me after all, I damn near almost walked into traffic! I mean, who does that?! *sigh*

    So I decided, that maybe this isnt the best time to date other people, but to date me. lol Does that make sense? I will ask myself out on a date, I will dress MYSELF up for ME, I will learn about my likes and dislikes…pretty much get to know ME. I will learn to love my curves, my scars, and remind myself that my identity wasnt created to be with a “man” but to fullfill whatever amazing thing God has planned for my life. Being alone has been a struggle, I would ask myself so many times “whats wrong with me, why dont boys like me?” *said in my 13 yr old voice, but maybe God is trying to protect me from myself. I’m so vulnerable/fragile that a man would do or say anything to me and only GOD knows where that would leave me in that so called type of relationship down the road (run on sentence I’m sorry lol)

    So with all that said, I’m going to take care of Dion first, love Dion first and just focus on Dion lol Thank you so much everyone for commenting and being so nice, I really needed it. Cece thank you for the 100th time, for taking the time to asnwer this insane question I gave, for your site, for your insight and just for being you!

    It wont be easy breaking out of the habit of not loving my body but I once read a post over on tumblr that read along the lines of “You’ve hated yourself for so long and gotten nowhere, lets see what would happen when you love yourself. I dare you”

    Challenge accepted 🙂

  39. Stefanie Ann

    Interesting, yet honest post. It’s easy for us big girls to say ‘don’t lose weight for no man!’ But often times, we do feel like we need to lose weight to appear more attractive. Now, here’s what I like about this scenario: this new guy who the lady met was upfront with her, he wants her to lose weight. Why do I find this interesting? Because he did not wait until her heart got attached to him for him to then tell her how he really felt about her body. So, if this woman has ANY love for herself, she will run in the opposite direction! This man showed her who he is from the beginning. It’s like a man telling me ‘I want to date you, but cut off your dreadlocks first.’ Or’ I want to date you, but I want to see you wear sexier clothes, etc.’ For someone to come off the jump and want a person to change JUST so they can be dateable to THEM is just disrespectful!

    Like others have said, if the lady wants to lose weight for herself; fine. If the two of them were ALREADY in a relationship, and her man said ‘babe, you have gained weight, I think you should lose some’; I would even understand that. It’s also sad that this lady is even considering hitting the gym for some guy because he is ‘hot.’ Really? Get it together OP, hit the gym if you want; but don’t do it for some random joker who you just met. If you lose the weight to make him happy….you will be on a lifelong path of always having to change yourself in some sort of way for someone to like you.

    P.S. I just realized this post is almost a year old! It came onto my Facebook page as a recent post….hmmm

  40. sa.pointer@yahoo.com

    Interesting, yet honest post. It’s easy for us big girls to say ‘don’t lose weight for no man!’ But often times, we do feel like we need to lose weight to appear more attractive. Now, here’s what I like about this scenario: this new guy who the lady met was upfront with her, he wants her to lose weight. Why do I find this interesting? Because he did not wait until her heart got attached to him for him to then tell her how he really felt about her body. So, if this woman has ANY love for herself, she will run in the opposite direction! This man showed her who he is from the beginning. It’s like a man telling me ‘I want to date you, but cut off your dreadlocks first.’ Or’ I want to date you, but I want to see you wear sexier clothes, etc.’ For someone to come off the jump and want a person to change JUST so they can be dateable to THEM is just disrespectful!

    Like others have said, if the lady wants to lose weight for herself; fine. If the two of them were ALREADY in a relationship, and her man said ‘babe, you have gained weight, I think you should lose some’; I would even understand that. It’s also sad that this lady is even considering hitting the gym for some guy because he is ‘hot.’ Really? Get it together OP, hit the gym if you want; but don’t do it for some random joker who you just met. If you lose the weight to make him happy….you will be on a lifelong path of always having to change yourself in some sort of way for someone to like you.

    P.S. I just realized this post is almost a year old! It came onto my Facebook page as a recent post….hmmm

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