Dating

I’d Rather be Lonely than Date a Jerk… Thoughts??

August 11 2014 | CeCe Olisa

 

One of the things that really stuck out to me in last week’s #CurvyConvo question and the comments that followed, is that our girl knew that a man asking her to lose weight before he dated her was a red flag, but she still considered it.

Some girls wondered why she would even think about giving this guy a chance, but I understood where she was coming from. I’ve been there. Being single is hard, craving connection with another person and not getting it can be painful and frustrating.

(related: I’m Single, What am I Doing Wrong?!)

Before I met Mr. Man, I can remember trying to make it work with guys who weren’t good for me, just because I just wanted to have someone in my life. I remember ignoring dating red flags because it just felt good to have Friday night movie plans.

We can know in our minds that we’re worthy of healthy fulfilling relationships, but sometimes in order to avoid lonliness, we settle for just any ‘ol body. Usually those are the dating situations that leave us more emotionally bruised/empty than we were before. (p.s. After making the wrong choice a few times, I can confidently say that I’d rather be lonely than date a jerk).

I'd Rather be lonely than date a Jerk PlusSizePrincess.com

Last night, during our #CurvyConvo, Live we discussed plus size dating, self love, body image and setting standards/keeping them. I’m wondering if maybe we can all commit to doing that? What are your thoughts on lonliness vs. mediocre dating?

The entire chat was 45 mins long and you can watch it here. You can RSVP for the next #CurvyConvo here.

In the meantime here’s a shorter clip on dating “Set Your Standards & Stick to Them”.

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28 responses on “I’d Rather be Lonely than Date a Jerk… Thoughts??

  1. Spoeticdiva Shantell

    First off, I enjoyed #CurvyConvo yesterday! :)…

    Loneliness can be a hard pill to swallow, at times, especially when you see ”everybody else” all booed up but like you said CeCe, I rather be lonely sitting in the corner with a goldfish than take some crap from a insecure guy! For this woman to actually decide to lose weight to please this man, honey, she just don’t know what she is really in for down the line with him. The issue really lies within him and he is going to take every jab at her that he can now because he can’t man up and accept his own issues, and he is seeing that she is easily lead, not good at all. This so called ”relationship” has already crashed and she doesn’t really know it! Forget what others think or how they see me, if I’m single then I’m just single but that doesn’t mean not by any means that I am lonely. And just because we want to think ”everybody else” is booed up lol, doesn’t always mean they are in a happy relationship either…

    If you don’t mind, will you check out my poetry blog, pdwordsofmysoul.blogspot.com. I love writing poetry and I recently decided to start my own blog and speak for the big girls in a poetic fashion, so if you don’t mind will you check it out.

    Thanks, CeCe! 🙂

  2. heavnsntpoetcdiva@gmail.com

    First off, I enjoyed #CurvyConvo yesterday! :)…
    Loneliness can be a hard pill to swallow, at times, especially when you see ”everybody else” all booed up but like you said CeCe, I rather be lonely sitting in the corner with a goldfish than take some crap from a insecure guy! For this woman to actually decide to lose weight to please this man, honey, she just don’t know what she is really in for down the line with him. The issue really lies within him and he is going to take every jab at her that he can now because he can’t man up and accept his own issues, and he is seeing that she is easily lead, not good at all. This so called ”relationship” has already crashed and she doesn’t really know it! Forget what others think or how they see me, if I’m single then I’m just single but that doesn’t mean not by any means that I am lonely. And just because we want to think ”everybody else” is booed up lol, doesn’t always mean they are in a happy relationship either…

    If you don’t mind, will you check out my poetry blog, pdwordsofmysoul.blogspot.com. I love writing poetry and I recently decided to start my own blog and speak for the big girls in a poetic fashion, so if you don’t mind will you check it out.

    Thanks, CeCe! 🙂

  3. nicthommi

    While I fall into the “rather be lonely than date a jerk” category, i think Chastity made the point that it’s also kind of a realization that you sometimes have to live to actually reach. While it is good to hear the advice, it might be like chicken pox…everyone needs to get it once to understand it AND be immune to it.
    Also, as you all pointed out, you are all happiliy and securely coupled, so for someone like Dion who is still seeking that connection, it can sometimes ring hollow hearing ppl who have been wifed or are soon to be wifed saying “don’t date him girl.” Just food for thought sometimes when I feel lonely and ALL of the ppl telling me that marriage or relationships are hard/not all it’s cracked up to be, blah, blah, blah, haven’t been single in YEARS and YEARS.
    I think that many life experiences have to be lived to truly appreciate ALL possibilities. Luckily, this guy that Dion was dealing with showed his colors before she ever had to waste more than one evening with him.
    What probably makes it hard is that when you are plus-sized, many ppl will tell you (in addition to you telling yourself), that your weight is the problem, so even if you have ppl who say you are great and don’t have to settle, there is always that nagging doubt in your mind that you don’t have the right to expect what the other girls have (a good man that you are attracted to who treats you well).
    I often wonder what it would be like NOT to always jump to the conclusion that you aren’t getting a 2nd date or more dates b/c you aren’t skinny or medium. Yet I have plenty of friends who are the slender or small curvy who have gotten shot down, rejected, or dated jerks and I don’t think they ever jump to that same conclusion (they all have insecurities, but I’m not sure of them always jump to the SAME “imperfection” as the reason for failure).
    So I find I can’t necessarliy read “advice” from everyone b/c some ppl will say “well fat girls don’t get picked” or “I have better men now that I’m skinny” b/c if you realize that you may not every reach skinny, it can mess with your head.

  4. athomasz@umich.edu

    While I fall into the “rather be lonely than date a jerk” category, i think Chastity made the point that it’s also kind of a realization that you sometimes have to live to actually reach. While it is good to hear the advice, it might be like chicken pox…everyone needs to get it once to understand it AND be immune to it.Also, as you all pointed out, you are all happiliy and securely coupled, so for someone like Dion who is still seeking that connection, it can sometimes ring hollow hearing ppl who have been wifed or are soon to be wifed saying “don’t date him girl.” Just food for thought sometimes when I feel lonely and ALL of the ppl telling me that marriage or relationships are hard/not all it’s cracked up to be, blah, blah, blah, haven’t been single in YEARS and YEARS.
    I think that many life experiences have to be lived to truly appreciate ALL possibilities. Luckily, this guy that Dion was dealing with showed his colors before she ever had to waste more than one evening with him.
    What probably makes it hard is that when you are plus-sized, many ppl will tell you (in addition to you telling yourself), that your weight is the problem, so even if you have ppl who say you are great and don’t have to settle, there is always that nagging doubt in your mind that you don’t have the right to expect what the other girls have (a good man that you are attracted to who treats you well).
    I often wonder what it would be like NOT to always jump to the conclusion that you aren’t getting a 2nd date or more dates b/c you aren’t skinny or medium. Yet I have plenty of friends who are the slender or small curvy who have gotten shot down, rejected, or dated jerks and I don’t think they ever jump to that same conclusion (they all have insecurities, but I’m not sure of them always jump to the SAME “imperfection” as the reason for failure).
    So I find I can’t necessarliy read “advice” from everyone b/c some ppl will say “well fat girls don’t get picked” or “I have better men now that I’m skinny” b/c if you realize that you may not every reach skinny, it can mess with your head.

  5. AstarteOurania

    Being single myself (and been married too), I would still advise someone not to date a guy or girl just to fill the time or the lonely space. A half-assed relationship really sucks out your energy. It’s better to be single than with a jerk or with someone who is nice but not a good match for you where it counts. I still get lonely but I have interests and a life that I enjoy so I put things in perspective when I’m in a funk and I’m always open to meeting a good guy.

    Also always remember if you’re getting caught up in the whirl of does this guy like me, etc.step back and really ask yourself, do you actually like him, the good, the bad & the ugly?

  6. evangelia@aol.com

    Being single myself (and been married too), I would still advise someone not to date a guy or girl just to fill the time or the lonely space. A half-assed relationship really sucks out your energy. It’s better to be single than with a jerk or with someone who is nice but not a good match for you where it counts. I still get lonely but I have interests and a life that I enjoy so I put things in perspective when I’m in a funk and I’m always open to meeting a good guy.

    Also always remember if you’re getting caught up in the whirl of does this guy like me, etc.step back and really ask yourself, do you actually like him, the good, the bad & the ugly?

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