So, in Smelly Men I’ve Dated (Part One) I shared a bad date story where a guy chose to walk two miles to a movie date with me. When he arrived the combination of minimal deodorant and wearing loafers with no socks created a foul odor that made sitting next to him in the movie theater… unpleasant. I spent the first half of the movie, avoiding his advances as he tried to put his arm around me. During the second half of the movie, seats opened up in front of us and I got up and moved. (Note: for those asking… after the movie was over, I walked out with him, waited for him to use the bathroom and spent time discussing the movie before parting ways. He didn’t ask why I moved seats and I didn’t tell him).
The post wasn’t meant to be deep or anything. I have lots of crazy dating stories and I love sharing them with you, but one comment on the post has me thinking. The commenter said:
Dang CeCe, I know dude was funky but did u really have to get up and move seats? That must’ve been a major blow to his self-esteem.
Dating is hard. Dating as a Plus Size Princess? Well, that has its own challenges. When it comes to self-esteem, sometimes I have to be a little selfish and put my self-esteem first.
PSP’s are often devalued because of our bodies. When it comes to the dating game weight affects how we’re approached in bars (if we’re approached at all), the types of messages we get online (do sex propositions even count?), what is expected of us in the bedroom (that rumor that big girls “do more” in bed just wont die). Then to add insult to injury, people are shocked when we turn down dates because the unspoken rule is that a Plus Size Princess should “take what she can get”.
For many of us, dating becomes an overwhelming task of maintaining optimism and trying not to go crazy.
I think we’ve all dated someone who we weren’t 100% excited about just because it felt nice to have someone giving us romantic attention. It can become tempting to look past things just because a guy is interested in you. This is where standards come in.
We all have set standards in different areas of our lives, It’s easy to have standards in the areas where we are confident in our value but its difficult to set standards in the areas where we feel insecure/vulnerable about what we’re worth. I’m good at my job, so I have no issue setting a specific salary standard because I know my value. But in dating I may find myself setting standards and then letting things slide because the value of a Plus Size Princess is always being questioned.
Setting standards is hard, and I’ll be honest… once you set standards, you will date less. But we know that quality wins over quantity every time. Here are some examples of standards I’ve set and adhered to in my dating life:
-Do what you say you’re going to do. (I don’t want a guy who says “I’ll call you tomorrow” and then sends a text a week later.)
-Don’t rush for the physical (If your focus is getting me into bed, its hard for me to believe you want anything more than that)
-I won’t date a smoker (I just can’t)
-I put my best foot forward for you, I hope you do the same…
If a guy is trying to put his best foot forward, would he walk two miles to a movie date with no socks on and only a smidge of deodorant? If he was meeting Kim Kardashian for a movie date, do we think he’d risk getting all sweaty before sitting in such close quarters with her?
If anyone’s self-esteem was bruised it was mine. His actions showed that although he wanted to see me. This guy wasn’t concerned with the way he presented himself to me for the first time. If a man doesn’t meet my standards, I will not try to change him (that’s another post altogether) but I can change myself. I can remove myself from situations that aren’t right for me, and that’s exactly what I did when I moved seats.
Plus Size Princesses, have to do a lot to keep our heads held high in the dating game. Setting standards and sticking to them is hard, but in the end it actually helped my dating self-esteem because I stopped going out with guys who didn’t value me. I would encourage us all to look at the different ways we may be compromising our standards so we don’t hurt someone elses feelings.
I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but… it makes no sense to devalue yourself to spare the feelings of someone who doesn’t see your value.
Thoughts? What are your dating standards?