Dating

Getting Out of My Own Head & Talking Things Over

November 7 2012 | CeCe Olisa

Even though I have an entire blog dedicated to my life as a Plus Size Princess, it’s very hard for me to discuss my weight and weight related issues “in real life”. As Robert and I continue to navigate our relationship, I’m realizing more and more that I have to let him in on what I go through as a PSP even though its difficult. I make vague comments to him that are rooted in my insecurities and while I know what I’m talking about, Robert doesn’t and he just thinks I’m being weird.

I read every single comment you guys post on TBGB and the comments on last week’s post made me realize that I have to clue Robert in on the way I feel people, specifically women, react to us as a couple from time to time. When male strangers make comments to us it’s usually a straightforward compliment about me; “lucky guy”, “take care of that one”, “look, its Beyoncé!” etc. When female strangers have opinions, it’s always so subtle and nuanced that explaining it almost makes me feel crazy, even though I know what’s happening.

So the other night on the phone, I put it all on the table with Robert. I talked about the woman on the train, the girl who assumed he was dating someone else even though he was buying my drinks and a few other incidents that I was sensitive about. I can’t remember everything I said, but it went something like this:

“… for whatever reason, people don’t always think we ‘match’ and so they do things that make me uncomfortable. I also think they assume I’m desperate to be with you, even though we both know we could be with other people if we wanted to…” I was stammering to get my point across, but I kept going. “… based on what people have said and done I know they think that I’m WAY more vested in our relationship than you are. So, that makes it hard for me to stand up for what we have… because, if I’m constantly letting people know that we’re together while you sit back quietly, I feel like I’m just feeding into a ‘thirsty big girl trying to keep her man’ image.”

“CeCe, you know I don’t care what people think. I know what it is between us, so those things don’t matter to me,” Robert said.

“I know…”

“But, some of the things you’ve brought up I had no idea were happening… now that I know what bothers you, I’ll probably be more aware of when it happens than you are!”

I smiled into the phone.

“I guess,” Robert continued “I don’t pick up on things like that because it’s not the way I see things. I mean, if people think we don’t ‘match’ I would assume it was mostly because of me…”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Well, you’re like… an heiress-princess type of girl. And I’m like a regular plain guy. You’re always put together and fancy, I’m lucky if my clothes match.”

I was stunned silent. This whole time, I was hurting over the idea that people were thinking what is HE doing with HER? Meanwhile, he just figured everyone wondered what is SHE doing with HIM? I was focused on the negative way people on the outside of my relationship saw me instead of how positively the person on the inside of my relationship saw me.

Does this mean, I’ll never be hurt by another snide remark? No. But I have a whole new perspective on what we’ve got going. Now that Robert and I are on the same page, he has the chance to be more sensitive, while I have a change to grow a thicker skin.

I’m so thankful to you guys for the comments you leave on this blog. A few of your stories are what encouraged me to get out of my own head and talk things through with Robert and I’m glad I did.

xoxo

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17 responses on “Getting Out of My Own Head & Talking Things Over

  1. Knight

    Thank you Robert! I was trying to figure out how to suggest you take a look from his view. Wait, heiress? Are you holding out on me?!

  2. Kate Montgomery

    I’ve had a conversation similar to this. It would not have occurred to me that he would have felt that way, because he’s great and has a fantastic body and is cute. I let all my insecurities get to me – that he weighs less, that he should date a skinny girl, and so on. It was only when he shared his about his hairline and his age that I realized we both come to the table less than confident sometimes. I commend you for telling him, I know that’s hard. I hope you can continue to make each other feel awesome so what other people think about your relationship won’t matter. I’m not there yet with my guy, but I’m working on it.

  3. Hayley

    I’ve been smaller, I’ve been bigger, but my size has never seemed to determine who I have dated. I do understand that some people might make comments, but it’s hard for me to relate to your insecurities or what people say to you, because sometimes it seems like you are reading more into the comments(ex. the girl on the train) than is neccesary. I have realized that I think people are thinking about me and judging me WAY more than they really are, and I’d bet the same goes for you.

  4. Elle Bee

    That is SO CUTE!!! I’m here in Cali giddy w/ excitement for you, Cece. Trying to figure out what words I could put down here to “encourage” but really… I’m struck dumb and silent by the beauty of your love story. Awwwwww…. =)

  5. JPAC

    Good for you! I am often surprised by how differently people perceive me than i do myself. Open communication is the key to staying on the same page.

  6. Renice Wiley

    Cece I am so in love with your post. I am so happy for you & Robert. I feel the same way you feel/felt in your relationship. & I am just exscatic that Robert actually listen and thought about what you said & this just made your communication skills so much better. I wish one say I can have this discussion with my significant other & the recieve the same responses Robert gave you.

  7. Renee Quick-Chapman

    Good for you for having the hard talk. Explaining certain things to the men folk can be awkward as alot of them don’t quite “get it” but Robert and you handled it well. As long as you both are on the same page than you’ll be good =)

  8. sharon

    HI, great post. I have been plus sized pretty much all my adult life. I experienced something along these lines ….. Last year I was on a trip with a male friend, platonic only. He is a “10” in the looks department and women just love him. Anyway at lunch one day i heard a women at a table behind me say”She must have a lot of money or something” Since there was no one else in our vicinity. I was pretty sure she was talking about me. It hurt a lot even though we are close friends only, and no I am not wealthy, but I am quite comfortable. I told him what I heard and bless him for the rest of the trip he did his best when we were in public to make it look like he idolized me. It makes me smile now , but it hurt at the time.

  9. jada angelie

    hi cece,

    ive been reading ur blog and its the best. its because of ur blog that i went to an OB and have myself check for PCOS and I also have it. keep this blog going, all hail to all PSPs in the world.

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    I am really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one today..

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