Dating

Maybe You’re Projecting… Thoughts???

October 29 2012 | CeCe Olisa

Thursday night Robert and I were riding the train home after having drinks with his boss. We were tipsy, laughing and being silly. I had been doing the Gangnam Style dance all night and the song was in my head, so I found myself singing “heyyyy sexy lady!” and shaking my hips while holding onto him for balance on the train.

“They’re probably going to play that song at Geo’s wedding next weekend” Robert said, laughing at me.

“Ohhhh you’re right! You need to learn the dance before then so you can do it with me,” I said tapping his chest with my finger,

“I need to learn it, and you need to get better at it,” he said teasing me.

“Excuse me, I can Gangnam Style with the best of ’em,” I kept dancing in front of him and before I knew it we were having a pretend-argument about just how well I could do the dance.

“Okay, okay!” I took a deep breath between giggles, “on a scale of one-to-ten, how well can I do the dance?”

“On a scale of one-to-ten?” Robert asked, I nodded. “On a scale of one-to-ten… you’re a nine!” he replied in an over the top sweet voice while he stroked my arm.

I pulled away dramatically, “you’re so ridiculous! If I were a nine you would not be suggesting I rehearse this dance…. never mind the fact that you don’t even know the dance!”

We went round and round like this for a few stops. Laughing and teasing and challenging each other about dancing together. I don’t know when she got on, but suddenly I noticed a (skinny) girl across from us listening to our conversation with a smile on her face. Every time Robert made a silly comment, I’d roll my eyes and catch hers to give her a look like “men, sheesh”.

Out of the blue, she walked over to me, “I’m sorry… I can’t take this anymore,” she said. “You are GORGEOUS! you’re a great dancer and don’t let him tell you differently! Don’t let him make you think you’re not a beautiful, gorgeous girl… he’s just a stupid guy… he doesn’t know anything! You are gorgeous, BELIEVE THAT!” then she squeezed my hand and got off of the train.

I stood there thoroughly confused.

As far as I was concerned, I was having a playful fight with the guy I’m seeing about a dumb dance that we might have to do at his friends wedding. But somehow she thought that I was an insecure girl who was being made to feel bad about herself by a guy.

The longer I date Robert, the more I am coming to terms with what people project onto our relationship when they look at us. Because I am a Plus Size Princess and he’s a normal size, tall, attractive dude I’m constantly navigating through the fact that some people don’t think we “match”, like the girl who was shocked when she saw his picture, or last month when Robert was buying my drinks all night and sitting right next to me, but a female asked if a girl three feet away from us was his girlfriend (as if I was just an invisible non-factor).

I think the lady on the train gave me that pep talk because she assumed that I didn’t think I was attractive and she assumed that I was desperate to be with Robert, so I was allowing him treat me badly. I can’t help but wonder if she saw Robert having that same playful argument with like… Kelly Rowland or some model, if she’d feel the need to make the same speech.

I’m just fascinated by what people see/project onto PSP’s with attractive boyfriends.

Thoughts??? Do any of you struggle with this?

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55 responses on “Maybe You’re Projecting… Thoughts???

  1. Elle Bee

    i can see how you might see that and maybe she was projecting. but it sounds from your story that her heart was in the right place and she was trying to be encouraging. the other stories you cited were of dumb broads looking past you, this chick was trying to lift you up. even if she didn’t get that you guys were being playful, it was nice of her to come thru with some encouraging words… i’ve been in the situation myself, and my bf and i just learn to laugh about it. i just look over at him and say, “see! girlfriend agrees with me. you better count your lucky stars i like you.” and we laugh.

    1. thebiggirlblog

      When it was over, we laughed too… You’re right she didn’t say anything negative. I just don’t want people thinking Robert is being a certain way towards me when he’s not, ya know?

      1. Elle Bee

        I got ya… but in the end, she’s merely a passerby. If she actually got in his face, then you could defend him. Nice that you’re so protective of your man. =)

    2. Mary

      I agree with Elle, I believe she had good intentions, try not to take it personally. I had an ex boyfriend who would insult me in front of others but do so in a “playful” way and it was so embarrassing because in his case, he wasn’t flirting, he was actually emotionally abusive towards me and acting “playful” in front of others (such as strangers) was his way of getting away with his rude bahavior in front of them. I wish someone like this girl had stood up and told him he was a jerk. Maybe that would have given me the courage to break up with him way sooner than I did.

  2. ellebug510@gmail.com

    i can see how you might see that and maybe she was projecting. but it sounds from your story that her heart was in the right place and she was trying to be encouraging. the other stories you cited were of dumb broads looking past you, this chick was trying to lift you up. even if she didn’t get that you guys were being playful, it was nice of her to come thru with some encouraging words… i’ve been in the situation myself, and my bf and i just learn to laugh about it. i just look over at him and say, “see! girlfriend agrees with me. you better count your lucky stars i like you.” and we laugh.

    1. cece@thebiggirlblog.com

      When it was over, we laughed too… You’re right she didn’t say anything negative. I just don’t want people thinking Robert is being a certain way towards me when he’s not, ya know?

      1. ellebug510@gmail.com

        I got ya… but in the end, she’s merely a passerby. If she actually got in his face, then you could defend him. Nice that you’re so protective of your man. =)

    2. mary@gmail.com

      I agree with Elle, I believe she had good intentions, try not to take it personally. I had an ex boyfriend who would insult me in front of others but do so in a “playful” way and it was so embarrassing because in his case, he wasn’t flirting, he was actually emotionally abusive towards me and acting “playful” in front of others (such as strangers) was his way of getting away with his rude bahavior in front of them. I wish someone like this girl had stood up and told him he was a jerk. Maybe that would have given me the courage to break up with him way sooner than I did.

  3. SingLikeSassy

    And lastly (I promise this is the last one LOL!) before I saw you, you seemed sweet and smart, but based on your descriptions I imagined that you looked like Precious (who is “beautiful” in her own way but…) based on how you described yourself. Then I saw you and was like “she is a cute as a button!” I don’t see anything about you that some great guy wouldn’t be attracted to so now I am extra puzzled and annoyed by these comments and reactions you are getting from other women.

  4. singlikesassy@yahoo.com

    And lastly (I promise this is the last one LOL!) before I saw you, you seemed sweet and smart, but based on your descriptions I imagined that you looked like Precious (who is “beautiful” in her own way but…) based on how you described yourself. Then I saw you and was like “she is a cute as a button!” I don’t see anything about you that some great guy wouldn’t be attracted to so now I am extra puzzled and annoyed by these comments and reactions you are getting from other women.

  5. JaVonna

    This happens all the time with my partner and I. I am a PSP and she is not. She was clearly projecting. We get people giving us a ‘side-eye’ when we have playful bickering and I have had women say things to me like “You know you don’t have to take that just because you’re a big girl? There’s someone out there who will love you for who you are.” What the what?!?!

  6. Anonymous

    This happens all the time with my partner and I. I am a PSP and she is not. She was clearly projecting. We get people giving us a ‘side-eye’ when we have playful bickering and I have had women say things to me like “You know you don’t have to take that just because you’re a big girl? There’s someone out there who will love you for who you are.” What the what?!?!

  7. Renee Quick-Chapman

    It didn’t really sound like that was the case. She may have just been matching your “play” fight attitude/tone. I honestly don’t think based on what you wrote that she was casting you as a victim at all but more like you and her were on the same team.

  8. Anonymous

    It didn’t really sound like that was the case. She may have just been matching your “play” fight attitude/tone. I honestly don’t think based on what you wrote that she was casting you as a victim at all but more like you and her were on the same team.

  9. Kelly De Rooy

    My husband is 6ft tall, very slim/athletic build with good muscle tone and good looking. I am only 5’2, and weigh 209lbs although I do think I am quite pretty (not in a vain way!). I could be imagining it but my husbands workmates possibly assumed I was really slim and hot because he was always telling them how gorgeous I am, etc. When they met me, I think they were a bit surprised to see a “fat chick” with short hair and tattoos rock up to say hi. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone appear shocked to see us together but I suppose there are probably people out there who are shallow enough to think that way.

  10. Anonymous

    My husband is 6ft tall, very slim/athletic build with good muscle tone and good looking. I am only 5’2, and weigh 209lbs although I do think I am quite pretty (not in a vain way!). I could be imagining it but my husbands workmates possibly assumed I was really slim and hot because he was always telling them how gorgeous I am, etc. When they met me, I think they were a bit surprised to see a “fat chick” with short hair and tattoos rock up to say hi. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone appear shocked to see us together but I suppose there are probably people out there who are shallow enough to think that way.

  11. Justine

    i get this all the time!
    my partner is a skinnier guy, muscular and well toned but i am a bigger girl.. not overly big but still people stare, grease us off, give us side looks and sometimes rude remarks when we walk past.
    it drives me insane!
    im a very self conscious and insecure girl so when people do things like this it makes it worse.
    i think people should keep their opinons, rude remarks and horrible looks to themselves!
    Does anybody else feel the same way?

  12. Anonymous

    i get this all the time!my partner is a skinnier guy, muscular and well toned but i am a bigger girl.. not overly big but still people stare, grease us off, give us side looks and sometimes rude remarks when we walk past.
    it drives me insane!
    im a very self conscious and insecure girl so when people do things like this it makes it worse.
    i think people should keep their opinons, rude remarks and horrible looks to themselves!
    Does anybody else feel the same way?

  13. Ally Smith

    While I know that this situation does happen – quite a lot – I can’t help but wondering if ‘train girl’ was actually projecting her insecurity onto you. People think a lot more about themselves than they they do about us.

    I quite often get the ‘Wow…you’re SO well dressed all the time’ which is a backhanded compliment – because, why wouldn’t I be? I know that it just means they like my style and wish they could put things together. It makes me kind of proud that not only do I have good style and choice, but I can do it with the restraint of shopping for my size.

    What im trying to get to is a bit ‘if life gives you lemons, make lemonaid’ You should feel sorry for her that she’s so insecure if herself for some reason that she thought you couldn’t possibly be confident.

    ps. I really enjoy reading your blog – from Australia. Your writings about a lot of the more emotional side of being a PSP with confidence, still battling challenges is really appealing 🙂 I wish i’d been a more regular reader when I was in NY a couple of months ago.

  14. allytsmith@gmail.com

    While I know that this situation does happen – quite a lot – I can’t help but wondering if ‘train girl’ was actually projecting her insecurity onto you. People think a lot more about themselves than they they do about us.
    I quite often get the ‘Wow…you’re SO well dressed all the time’ which is a backhanded compliment – because, why wouldn’t I be? I know that it just means they like my style and wish they could put things together. It makes me kind of proud that not only do I have good style and choice, but I can do it with the restraint of shopping for my size.

    What im trying to get to is a bit ‘if life gives you lemons, make lemonaid’ You should feel sorry for her that she’s so insecure if herself for some reason that she thought you couldn’t possibly be confident.

    ps. I really enjoy reading your blog – from Australia. Your writings about a lot of the more emotional side of being a PSP with confidence, still battling challenges is really appealing 🙂 I wish i’d been a more regular reader when I was in NY a couple of months ago.

  15. JennyBeams

    I am a 5’10” 300lb hairstylist who is very in tune with my tastes in clothing and takes pride in my fashions and tattoos. So, on my own, I’ll get stares here and there. Now my boyfriend, a 5’6″ 180lb mechanical engineer, white t-shirt and jeans type, no tattoos, is physically my opposite. I’ve always thought our size difference added to our quirky cuteness, however it has attracted ONE negative comment from a drunken college guy. “Hey dude, your girlfriend is bigger than you. Hahaha”! Creative, right?
    What I do get often when talking about how gloriously handsome/ caring/smart/amaze balls my boyfriend is, ” do you have a picture?” So I’ll pull one up of us on my phone and it NEVER fails, the reaction is a shoked “Oh, he’s cute”. I even received a “he is actually really cute”.
    – yeah bitch, he really is.
    Thanks for the assumption that I can not attract an attractive man.

  16. shes_vicious@hotmail.com

    I am a 5’10” 300lb hairstylist who is very in tune with my tastes in clothing and takes pride in my fashions and tattoos. So, on my own, I’ll get stares here and there. Now my boyfriend, a 5’6″ 180lb mechanical engineer, white t-shirt and jeans type, no tattoos, is physically my opposite. I’ve always thought our size difference added to our quirky cuteness, however it has attracted ONE negative comment from a drunken college guy. “Hey dude, your girlfriend is bigger than you. Hahaha”! Creative, right? What I do get often when talking about how gloriously handsome/ caring/smart/amaze balls my boyfriend is, ” do you have a picture?” So I’ll pull one up of us on my phone and it NEVER fails, the reaction is a shoked “Oh, he’s cute”. I even received a “he is actually really cute”.
    – yeah bitch, he really is.
    Thanks for the assumption that I can not attract an attractive man.

  17. Anonymous

    […] read every single comment you guys post on TBGB and the comments on last week’s post made me realize that I have to clue Robert in on the way I feel people, specifically women, react […]

  18. JayFay

    People will project their thoughts/baggage/perceptions/expectations no what matter. I was out with my tall delicious Brian (no lie) one night when he was performing (he’s a musician) and a girl sitting next to me said, “Your boyfriend is so talented!” Ouch. We had just broken up. But at least we looked like we’re supposed to go together 😉 Or maybe it was because we were two of the only black people in that lounge??

    Don’t let other people’s stuff get you down. Give it time and you’ll gain your confidence eventually. It took me years – and the emergence of the plus-size community certainly has helped. You just have to have a strong sense of who you are. When you have that, nothing else matters. I’m over 6′ and a size 22/24 and I regularly get compliments on my appearance and style from people of all colors, ages and sizes. The key is being fearless and fabulous and knowing that that comes from the core of your being. Another person’s projection does not have to be your truth/reality.

  19. jessicabinns@hotmail.com

    People will project their thoughts/baggage/perceptions/expectations no what matter. I was out with my tall delicious Brian (no lie) one night when he was performing (he’s a musician) and a girl sitting next to me said, “Your boyfriend is so talented!” Ouch. We had just broken up. But at least we looked like we’re supposed to go together 😉 Or maybe it was because we were two of the only black people in that lounge??
    Don’t let other people’s stuff get you down. Give it time and you’ll gain your confidence eventually. It took me years – and the emergence of the plus-size community certainly has helped. You just have to have a strong sense of who you are. When you have that, nothing else matters. I’m over 6′ and a size 22/24 and I regularly get compliments on my appearance and style from people of all colors, ages and sizes. The key is being fearless and fabulous and knowing that that comes from the core of your being. Another person’s projection does not have to be your truth/reality.

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