Last night I attended an artist showcase hosted by Roberts cousin. The event would be swarming with Roberts friends and family so I wanted to look cute. I managed to pull myself together in a black strapless maxi dress, wedge sandals, a chunky iridescent necklace and my new strapless bra (that kept “the twins” right where they needed to be).
When I arrived at the gallery, Robert introduced me to a few people I hadn’t met before and we settled into a pretty good night with music, spoken word and a fashion show along with cocktails and appetizers. I always like watching Robert interact with “his boys” so I pretty much played the background, listening and laughing when appropriate. As Robert talked with the guys, he would do little things like stroke my bare shoulder or lean over to explain who people were as they got up to perform.
In the middle of one set, a girl named Deena came over to Robert and his friends. After she said hello to everyone, Robert put his arm around me to pull me closer to the group, “Deena, you remember CeCe right? You met her a while back…”
“Oh yeah! How are you?” she said.
“I’m fine… good to see you!,” I replied, breaking free from Robert to hug her, “I need another glass of wine, can I get you anything?”
“Sure, actually I’ll come with you!” she said.
I made sure Robert didn’t need anything and then Deena and I headed to the bar. We ended up chatting by ourselves for a long time. She caught me up on her life since I had last seen her which included a new job, moving to a new apartment and a break up with her boyfriend. Robert caught my eye from across the room and I gave him a smile, letting him know that I was fine talking to Deena. We continued chatting about her dating life and how she felt about being back on the market, and then she said “what about you, are you seeing anyone?”
I almost spit out my wine, because I thought she was joking. But she just looked at me waiting for an answer. Once I realized she did not know that Robert and I were an item, I quickly said, “Well, um… yes. I am.” Deena wasn’t around Robert every day, but they catch up enough that she should know the answer to her question. I searched her eyes once more for any indication of a joke, but she just smiled.
“That’s nice, good for you” she said. And then changed the subject.
On the way home, I told Robert what happened. He frowned, “I don’t know why she’d ask you that, I’ve told her all about you. She knows we’re dating. Deena can be really… weird sometimes.”
Then Robert asked the million dollar question, “why didn’t you just tell her you’re seeing me?”
Something you all should know about me is that I am never good in the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m a Cancer, but I’m the type of person who will meet a crazy situation with complete silence and then 24 hours later think of a million things I wish I had said. While some people can confront any situation right away, I’m not like that. When I get upset or uncomfortable, my immediate reaction is to retreat. I need time to collect myself and pull my thoughts together before I can address things that bother me.
As I’m sitting here writing this story to you, I feel like an idiot for not just saying “Yes, I’m dating Robert”. It seems so simple! But one of Roberts friends (a female friend) not knowing that he and I are dating sent a swirl of questions into my head. Why doesn’t she know we’re dating? Isn’t it obvious that we’re together? Is he keeping it from Deena? Is he keeping it from other people?
Deena’s question sent me head first into an ocean of my own insecurities. I realized that although Robert has never given me any reason to feel like he was keeping our relationship a secret from anyone, there’s a part of me that is waiting for something outrageous like that to happen. I hear so many stories about Plus Size Princesses who get “played” by guys in one way or another. I’ve got my share of crazy dating stories and I think in the back of my mind I’m wondering if its possible for me to actually have a real/legit relationship. I think I’m waiting for the “catch” and so Deena’s question sent me into a bad place.
I hate that my insecurities give other people that kind of power.
Now, I’m realizing how personal insecurities can be detrimental to relationships and how important it is to work those things out as much as possible before we drag other people through unnecessary drama. This is something I need to work on.
Have any of you had your insecurities get in the way with your boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends? How did you address it?