As I pulled myself out of the pool, my heart skipped a beat.
Standing near the stairs, holding out a towel for me was Vin, a guy I dated heavily for a few months. “Towel?” he said extending his arm so that the towel was inches from my body. Although he was talking to me his eyes were planted firmly on my breasts in my bathing suit. I snatched the towel from his hands and quickly covered up. “You always were modest,” he said with a chuckle.
I said nothing. The anger I felt had me stunned silent.
“CeCe, it’s really good to see you, how have you been?”
“Is it good to see me?” he teased.
“Not really,” I said eyeing the door to the ladies locker room.
“Ouch!” he laughed, clutching his heart.
I don’t want to get into the details of how things ended with Vin, but I will say that within a month of our breakup he was married to someone else and the only one who was surprised by that was me. Once I found out that Vin was married I deleted him from my life no facebook, email or phone numbers were kept. Although I was hurt and had many questions, I didn’t see the point in going down that road with a married man.
“Well, take care…” I said, sidestepping to get around him. Then I stopped myself. In a flash the idea of closure came to mind. I don’t know where it came from, but it seemed logical to take advantage of this moment and get answers to the questions I had about why this guy had hurt me/deceived me/made selfish choices. “Actually, wait– I have a question…”
I took a deep breath, “when we broke up you made me feel like everything was my fault, when the reality was that you were about to get married! Why did you do that?”
I was so proud of myself! I had nailed Vin to the wall for the way he treated me and I couldn’t wait for him to feel the guilt of what he had done. I waited for him to squirm and apologize, maybe even ask for forgiveness. He looked at me for a while and then said, “CeCe, lets not dwell on the past. Life’s too short.”
And with a patronizing smile, he patted my arm. “It really is good to see you– you look good!” he said, and then he made his way to into the pool to swim laps.
That was it?!
I’ve heard so many people talk about needing closure, seeking out exes and past loves to get closure. Is this what they’re looking for?
Part of me understands the search for closure but a part of me is starting to think it doesn’t exist. People hurt us, and knowing why they did it wont help anything. Knowing that they feel awful wont lessen our pain. Even if Vin had confessed that he made a mistake by treating me the way he did– it really doesn’t matter. He’s married, I’m happily involved with someone else so apologies won’t change anything.
I’m starting to wonder if the search for closure has more to do with pride than anything else… we walk around wondering how could HE hurt ME like that? When the truth may be that people hurt people… and then they move on! Maybe we should move on too.
I’ve got two more “closure” experiences that I’ll write about in the next week or so but I’d love to hear your thoughts as I mull things over… Do YOU believe in closure?