Dating

Are We Moving Too Slow?

April 27 2011 | CeCe Olisa

My friend Kayla pushed her glass of wine to the side and leaned across the table.

“I think I’m going to be engaged soon,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

Kayla and Ben are crazy about each other. He calls her constantly, they’re on a regular sleep over schedule and they’re tip-toeing around the “L” word. They’ve also been dating for about two months.

A week later I was at brunch when another friend announced that she’d just booked a trip to the Bahamas with a guy that she’d been dating for one month.

A trip to the Bahamas sounds like a blast, so I was excited for my friend and listening to Kayla gush about Ben made me so happy for her. She’s been through a lot with men, so its beautiful to see her treated the way she deserves. Ben is a good guy, and he seems to know what he wants, which in New York is quite refreshing.

Over the past few days my happiness for my friends began to mix with an uneasiness as I began to think about my relationship with Robert. When Robert and I started seeing each other, we agreed to take things slow. Its what I wanted then and its what I want now. But a tiny part of me can’t help but compare my relationship to my friends relationships.

Robert and I spend a lot of time together, but listening to Kayla made me feel like we should be spending more time. I’m no where near ready to get married, I don’t want Robert to propose, I would love to be in the Bahamas right now instead of rainy New York City and going with Robert would be awesome. But if I’m honest with myself the idea of sharing a hotel with him is terrifying. I’m not ready!

I’m struggling… I think I’m a little jealous… that fast passion looks so appealing!

Any advice?

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56 responses on “Are We Moving Too Slow?

  1. blossom

    Every relationship goes at it’s own pace. You’ll get there! And those hot relationships often burn out sooner. As long as you’re both happy, don’t compare yourself to others!

  2. Jami

    I agree with the above. Every relationship moves at it’s own pace. What is best for the couple. Some fast relationship fail miserably some stay together forever.

    My husband and I were married in October. We had a 10 month old baby, and the stress of being new parents, as well as my grandpa passing away, not to mention normal wedding stress has made our “newlywed” time less then desirable. I struggled with friends relationships, wishing we had just waited longer (we’ve been together almost 4 years) Seeing my best friend in her new romance made me all kinds of confused. Then it hit me, I love my husband to pieces and know we will get through this. We have had those great times and still will. Just at different phases. You WILL experience those things, when you and him are ready. It is something to look forward too 🙂

  3. xoxojami@gmail.com

    I agree with the above. Every relationship moves at it’s own pace. What is best for the couple. Some fast relationship fail miserably some stay together forever.
    My husband and I were married in October. We had a 10 month old baby, and the stress of being new parents, as well as my grandpa passing away, not to mention normal wedding stress has made our “newlywed” time less then desirable. I struggled with friends relationships, wishing we had just waited longer (we’ve been together almost 4 years) Seeing my best friend in her new romance made me all kinds of confused. Then it hit me, I love my husband to pieces and know we will get through this. We have had those great times and still will. Just at different phases. You WILL experience those things, when you and him are ready. It is something to look forward too 🙂

  4. Caramel

    It’s all about what feels comfortable and natural to both people in the relationship. I’ve had the slow relationships that build and I’ve had the fast ones, but the one that is working best for me is my current one where we are in lock-step with our feelings and the pace of our relationship.

    You don’t sound ready to speed things up. If you were, it wouldn’t be a terrifying prospect. Keep on truckin’. 🙂

  5. anortep@gmail.com

    It’s all about what feels comfortable and natural to both people in the relationship. I’ve had the slow relationships that build and I’ve had the fast ones, but the one that is working best for me is my current one where we are in lock-step with our feelings and the pace of our relationship.
    You don’t sound ready to speed things up. If you were, it wouldn’t be a terrifying prospect. Keep on truckin’. 🙂

  6. Knight

    I waited two years before we took the Bahamas vacation. Taking it slow is exactly what you should be doing. Seriously? Enganged soon and still tiptoing around the L word? That’s ridiculous.

  7. Cathy Benavides

    Fast passion always looks appealing- until it’s 9 months to a 1 year down the road and everything is falling apart. See, that fast passion stuff is not what holds a real relationship together. It’s great and it’s fun and it’s exciting, but when you are looking to build a life with someone, trips to the Bahamas and romantic getaways aren’t happening everyday. Everyday life is laundry, chores, TV shows, dishes and takeout. The idea is to build a relationship where even those everyday things are fun and romantic. Taking it slow is a great idea- that gives you time to fall in love with the person and not just what you do with that person. Kudos to you for keeping your eye on what you really want!

  8. cathy4cc@gmail.com

    Fast passion always looks appealing- until it’s 9 months to a 1 year down the road and everything is falling apart. See, that fast passion stuff is not what holds a real relationship together. It’s great and it’s fun and it’s exciting, but when you are looking to build a life with someone, trips to the Bahamas and romantic getaways aren’t happening everyday. Everyday life is laundry, chores, TV shows, dishes and takeout. The idea is to build a relationship where even those everyday things are fun and romantic. Taking it slow is a great idea- that gives you time to fall in love with the person and not just what you do with that person. Kudos to you for keeping your eye on what you really want!

  9. Emily

    Girl, you and Robert can go at your own pace. As long as you guys are happy together, it doesn’t matter at what speed you take it. Plan a girls trip to the Bahamas instead (and invite me 😉

  10. ShoeJunkie

    Don’t fall for the ‘grass is greener’ trap. Listen to your instincts–if you don’t feel like you’re ready, then you’re not ready. Besides, let’s wait and see how your friends relationships pan out six months from now….

  11. tytayl@gmail.com

    Don’t fall for the ‘grass is greener’ trap. Listen to your instincts–if you don’t feel like you’re ready, then you’re not ready. Besides, let’s wait and see how your friends relationships pan out six months from now….

  12. IntrigueMe

    You’re not going too slow- your friends are going too fast! One month until a big trip? Two months and they’re thinking about the L word and engagements? Whoaaaalllyyy shit dudes, horse before the cart!

  13. Lannon

    Honestly, just trust your gut. No need to rush if you feel a little uneasy with it and getting engaged after two months is just a bad idea. You wake up married to someone who is a completely different person than you thought they were….TRUST ME!!!!!

  14. lunick08@hotmail.com

    Honestly, just trust your gut. No need to rush if you feel a little uneasy with it and getting engaged after two months is just a bad idea. You wake up married to someone who is a completely different person than you thought they were….TRUST ME!!!!!

  15. Bombshell Beauty

    It can be so hard not to compare our relationships with friends’. And it’s perfectly fine to feel happy with what you have but wonder if you’d like what your friends have going on. But in the end, you can experience their relationships with them over a glass of wine – and then go home to the relationship that’s right for you. 🙂

  16. bombshellbeautyblog@gmail.com

    It can be so hard not to compare our relationships with friends’. And it’s perfectly fine to feel happy with what you have but wonder if you’d like what your friends have going on. But in the end, you can experience their relationships with them over a glass of wine – and then go home to the relationship that’s right for you. 🙂

  17. Danielle

    Hot passion dies fast, I prefer a “slow cooker” relationship. Just so I know I am really compatible with the person. However, I find it interesting you said you are “terrified” about sharing a hotel room with Robert… Not that I am prying into physical stuff, but would an entire weekend together, say a short weekend vacation, be too much time together for you two? I fought against all the togetherness/intimacy with the last guy I was seeing because I felt like I was losing my independence.

  18. shyzahkitty@gmail.com

    Hot passion dies fast, I prefer a “slow cooker” relationship. Just so I know I am really compatible with the person. However, I find it interesting you said you are “terrified” about sharing a hotel room with Robert… Not that I am prying into physical stuff, but would an entire weekend together, say a short weekend vacation, be too much time together for you two? I fought against all the togetherness/intimacy with the last guy I was seeing because I felt like I was losing my independence.

  19. Nanette Frank

    Many of your blogger/friends have given good advice. You are not moving slow, your friends are moving too fast. Fantasy and love are two different things. When people move from relationship to relationship to relationship, they are just looking to keep the fantasy stage. Seriously, how many relationships does it take to figure it out?

    I am 56, and married for 34 years. I made a list of what I wanted in a man, and didn’t think I would find it, but knew that I wouldn’t settle. My daughter made even a longer list, and she found him. My son also made a list, and he found her. So, be true to yourself, don’t settle, and MAKE A LIST of what you want in a man.

    I also taught my kids the three strike rule. I want to scream when people stay in a bad relationship, whining, “Buuuuuuuuuut I looooooove him or her.” Nope, three strikes and it is over!

    Coolest regards,

    Granny Nanny
    girleaseblogspot.com

  20. nanettefrank@gmail.com

    Many of your blogger/friends have given good advice. You are not moving slow, your friends are moving too fast. Fantasy and love are two different things. When people move from relationship to relationship to relationship, they are just looking to keep the fantasy stage. Seriously, how many relationships does it take to figure it out?
    I am 56, and married for 34 years. I made a list of what I wanted in a man, and didn’t think I would find it, but knew that I wouldn’t settle. My daughter made even a longer list, and she found him. My son also made a list, and he found her. So, be true to yourself, don’t settle, and MAKE A LIST of what you want in a man.

    I also taught my kids the three strike rule. I want to scream when people stay in a bad relationship, whining, “Buuuuuuuuuut I looooooove him or her.” Nope, three strikes and it is over!

    Coolest regards,

    Granny Nanny
    girleaseblogspot.com

  21. Vanessa

    Ohh don’t worry ! Personnally, I love taking things slow, it makes me appreciate them a lot more ! It’s really nice to see someone, and REALLY get to know them, and then slowly decide that they’re really worth and that you like/love them despite/because you know them a lot more !
    Fast passions rarely last. Sometimes it does, but rarely. It’s okay to have your own pace !

  22. vanessa.babin@gmail.com

    Ohh don’t worry ! Personnally, I love taking things slow, it makes me appreciate them a lot more ! It’s really nice to see someone, and REALLY get to know them, and then slowly decide that they’re really worth and that you like/love them despite/because you know them a lot more !Fast passions rarely last. Sometimes it does, but rarely. It’s okay to have your own pace !

  23. Lousia

    I pretty much agree with everything everyone else has said esp IntrigeMe. You know what matters to you and so does Robert. Don’t be tempted to stray from that especially not because of what your friends are doing. xx

  24. Laura

    When I first started dating my Husband, about 2 months into the relationship, we took a trip to DC together (I’m from NYC just like you, so nothing crazy like the Bahamas) but we have also been friends for a year before dating. I think you are doing the right thing by taking it slow. Just keep in mind that taking it slow doesn’t last forever. Eventually you are going to want to take the relationship in the next step. At the same, time you are going to want to be comfortable doing so. The most important thing is you have to feel comfortable in the relationship and really feel like you can be yourself around the person.

  25. dasugaknows@aol.com

    When I first started dating my Husband, about 2 months into the relationship, we took a trip to DC together (I’m from NYC just like you, so nothing crazy like the Bahamas) but we have also been friends for a year before dating. I think you are doing the right thing by taking it slow. Just keep in mind that taking it slow doesn’t last forever. Eventually you are going to want to take the relationship in the next step. At the same, time you are going to want to be comfortable doing so. The most important thing is you have to feel comfortable in the relationship and really feel like you can be yourself around the person.

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