You are absolutely inspiring to me, sometimes when I read your blogs I feel as if you stole the words directly from my mouth. I feel like I should say that I live in a small southern town and I guess I am very old fashioned in relationships. I’m terrified of rejection and I’m terrified to make the first move. Maybe it’s a southern thing, but then again maybe it’s just a me thing. I’m lost in this world when it comes to guys.
In 2008 I had this weird little thing with a gorgeous southern guy. We never dated or went on a date. We always hung out at his house or my friends house (it wasn’t anything near a relationship). From day one he tried to get me to fool around, but that is not who I am so I didn’t. Now looking back I am insanely glad to say that I never had sex with him.
But in a nutshell I was blindly in love, I recall wishing him a happy birthday on his facebook in December and a couple of days later my comment was deleted, there was no fight or anything different from what it had been. My first thought was “is he embarrassed by me?” my birthday followed in January which was the first time anything physical happened with the two of us. I never asked him about why my comment was deleted, but I felt like a closet friend. I didn’t realize until after this all ended that I was in love and completely heartbroken.
I believe this incident scarred me for life, I feel damaged in a way, I feel like no one will ever love me, call me pretty or want to be with me. I don’t think I’m ugly but I don’t think that I’m pretty, I’m a size 24 and I’m 5’6″, I have people tell me quite often that I’m cute, or randomly have someone tell me that I’m really pretty but, its always girls. I pride myself on the fact that I am really nice and down to earth with no drama, I’m in college and I have always spoken like I was educated, I work full time, drive a nice car, and live on my own. I feel like on paper a guy would be attracted to me… but no luck.
I’m lost, I’m 24 and surrounded by friends that are married, engaged, or in serious long relationships with kids. I want to be married and to have children more than anything but I have not had anything close to a relationship since 2008. Part of me is scared and the other part scared that Ill never find anyone who will look at me as “more than a friend”, that will hold my hand in public, or to just call me to tell me they love me, that will lay next to me in bed and hold me. I want to find love, But I’m terrified to be heartbroken again I’m terrified that men are repulsed by my weight. I have standards and I want someone educated that I am attracted to that makes me laugh and who will love and accept me, when I talk about finding a guy My first thoughts are not how they look, but about them, their personality or background, I don’t understand how everything can be about looks and not about the person behind them. I need advice, I need guidance because the “It happens when your not looking” advice from my friends is not working for me because 3 years later I’m still single and sad.. Please Help me I need advice from someone who understands.
Have you ever watched an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race? If you haven’t you should… its amazing! Anyway, at the end of every episode, RuPaul says “and remember… If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?!”
That’s a pretty straightforward quote and its exactly how I feel. You have to love yourself first.
When I was in high school, one of my friends was an adorable Plus Size Princess who was obsessed with finding a boyfriend. Her self esteem was low because she felt like no boys liked her. She was incredibly talented, beautiful, a great friend and super smart. But because she didn’t have a boyfriend, she felt worthless.
Finally, during her freshman year in college, she found a guy and started dating him. Her confidence went up and she just seemed to shine. I really thought she was maturing, growing and seeing herself in a new light. Then he broke up with her. When she was single again, her confidence took a tumble right back down to where it used to be.
Why? Because she only loved herself when a boy loved her.
Reading your letter makes me feel like you’re waiting for a boy to come along and love you so that you feel valid. The truth of the matter is that you should already love yourself because you already are valid! Start doing things that make you happy. Take all the love that you’re saving for a boyfriend and pour it into yourself, because you deserve it. I like to love myself in a variety of ways: Manicures, Pedicures, Exercising, Long hot showers with candles, Eating Well, Walking in the sun… the list goes on and on!
I’d be curious to see what the other PSP’s have to say to you, but my final thoughts are this:
All guys want a girl who is confident and confidence comes in all sizes. You say that you’re “good on paper” but it sounds like your weight is bringing your confidence down. If that’s the case, you have two options: learn to accept/love your body or change it.
I personally am doing a mix of both. I have accepted the fact that I will never ever ever be skinny and I love that about me. At the same time I’ve made a commitment to be healthy and active for the rest of my life and that will include some weight loss, but again I will never be skinny.
While I will never be skinny, I will always love myself!
And like Miss. RuPaul says “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?!”
P.S. If you want to hear me talk more about Self Love, you can listen to the archives of the radio show I did a few weeks back.
Send your Curvy Conversations questions to CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com