I’ve always thought of the end of the year as an ideal time to reflect and make decisions about what things I’m going to leave behind when the clock strikes 12 (kind of like a backwards resolution). Of course, as I take stock of where I am in life, my dating status comes to mind. I’m not in a rush to get married or anything, but most of you know that the past 12 months have been a roller coaster when it comes to my dating life.
Christmas 2009 brought Kevin back into my life. Falling for an old elementary school crush was incredibly romantic and taught me a lot about my self esteem. If I could tell my 12 year old self that Kevin and I would eventually date, I don’t think she would have believed me. But it happened and although it didn’t come together, I’m so much more confident because of it.
2010 brought its share of mistakes too, like Mike Lowrey, a reader who convinced me to meet him for my first blind date. If there was one guy I could erase, it would be him. So many of you warned me that he seemed to thrive on the attention that came from being featured on TBGB. At the time I didn’t believe it but… when I stopped writing, he stopped calling. *shrugs*
Then there was Adrian, who I really thought was going to be my happy ending for 2010. He said and did the right things and even asked me about dating exclusively, but in the end he vanished (perhaps he was eaten by snow leopards?).
Anyway, as I look back over 2010 and I think about the things I don’t want to bring into 2011, I have to be honest with myself about my dating habits. Although I enjoy dating, first dates can be exhausting! and as much as I crave something steady and comfortable, it seems like I can’t get out of the cycle of casually dating multiple guys at once.
In a few of our Curvy Conversations, I’ve confidently encouraged other Plus Size Princesses to go for what they want, put themselves out there and make themselves vulnerable with men. I never promise happy endings, but I’ve always felt strongly that the risks would be worth the rewards (and thankfully they were!) But as I look at the dating advice I give to other PSP’s I have to wonder if I’m fully practicing what I preach. Am I going for what I want? Am I putting myself out there? Am I making myself vulnerable?
There’s been a nagging feeling in my stomach that I’m not.
Kevin and I have been keeping in touch all year and when he’s tried to brooch the subject of “us”, I’ve skillfully avoided the question but as the holidays began to draw near, I started to wonder if I should give him another chance when I head home to California.
But giving Kevin a second chance wasn’t really a brave decision. I knew he liked me, I knew he was attracted to me and I knew that if I gave the slightest approval, we’d be back on again. Then two weeks ago, it hit me: being completely vulnerable and taking a romantic risk would only come from confessing my feelings to one person… Robert.
The “Um… Are We Dating?” Robert situation was the one thing I could not bring into 2011. (I know you’re probably thinking “Duh, CeCe… we’ve been telling you this forever!”)
Something in me has shifted. I dont know… maybe I’m growing up. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that it was time to get over my insecurities and tell Robert that I have feelings for him.
And I had to do it ASAP….