Dating

New York Dating: The Vanishing Act

October 4 2010 | CeCe Olisa

Part of the beauty of New York City is the ability to be anonymous while surrounded by people. You can spend an entire afternoon outside and never interact with a single soul even though there’s a new face on every corner and unless you’re dating someone who lives in your apartment building, there’s a 97% chance that you can get away with pulling a Vanishing Act if necessary.

There are small Vanishing Acts like taking a guys number and never calling or giving a guy a fake phone number. There’s also the large scale Vanishing Act/backdoor break-up where instead of being forthright with a person, you ignore calls and fall off the face of the earth.

I can only remember pulling a vanishing act once. I met a guy online, had a three fantastic dates and at the end of our date, he mentioned how fun it would be to take a trip to California so he could meet my family. When I realized that I couldn’t imagine bringing this guy home, I decided to end things with him. But instead of having the “I’m not interested” conversation with him, I just ignored his calls for weeks until he presumably got the hint.

I think Adrian pulled a Vanishing Act on me.

The first week of his trip I was pretty obsessive; refreshing the emails on my iPhone constantly, waiting to see an email with his name on it. The second week I was worried; wondering if something had happened to him. But, by the third week, I was pretty numb to the whole thing. I knew there was no point in obsessing over something I couldn’t control.

You see, Adrian was so “gung-ho” about us, and so frustrated about leaving in the early stages of our relationship, that I left everything in his hands without thinking twice about it. I gave him my email address and although I knew his full name and where he worked, I just figured I’d get his information when he contacted me.

In the moment it was an assumption that I didn’t think twice about, but looking back I see that I made it pretty easy for Adrian to vanish either on accident or on purpose.

At first I was mad at myself for not getting all of his information, but as I thought more about it, I feel like if he was “the one” he’d have worked hard to stay in touch. During that first frantic week, I did leave him a voicemail that I figured he’d get when he landed back on US soil, it basically said “I hope you’re okay, here’s my phone number”.

Yesterday I called Adrian’s phone, just to see if he’d pick up… it was disconnected.

*sigh* On to the next one!

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25 responses on “New York Dating: The Vanishing Act

  1. dating diva

    I think you're right, if he was "the one" he would have worked harder to keep in touch. Sometimes I wish DC was a little bigger. I've run into my ex and a few guys I've had crushes on way too often.

    -Delilah

  2. Kristin

    disconnected? do you really think that was because of you? would someone REALLY go through the trouble of changing their number to 'vanish'? unless you've been calling obsessively, i can't see anyone doing that!

  3. steph gas

    i hate to be the one to bring it up, but maybe he got eaten by a tiger. i mean, disconnecting your phone because of a normal, non-obsessive girl? super extreme.

    of course, i also agree with the idea that if he was the one, he'd have at least dropped an email or whatever.

  4. ShoeJunkie

    ::sigh:: Cece, I feel your pain. This exact situation happened to me this summer. I dated a guy for three months, we were super into each other and definitely talked about starting a relationship…and then he just dropped off the face of the earth.

    ::Blank stare::

    A few weeks later, his phone was disconnected too. About month later I finally found him and to sum it up, he basically said that he needed to put his head in the sand like an ostrich and block everyone out of his life for a while b/c so much was out of whack…..but I don't believe it.

    That one stung pretty bad. They can be such assholes sometimes.

  5. rubyredslippers

    Girl, go with your gut. There are always "what-ifs" but you know how often those end up being true. Do what you're doing and don't waste any energy wondering about this one. Even if one of the "What-ifs" happen to be true, there is no escaping the fact that this guy never emailed. So no use in wondering.

    I have hope for you!

  6. IntrigueMe

    Nobody knows the real reason(s) he hasn't been in touch, except for him… and unfortunately, you may never know. It sucks, but I guess another one bites the dust.

    On to the next!

  7. nubianqueen89

    I might have to disagree with everyone. I;m an international student and I know I cancel/shut off/ disconnect my phone when I go home (out of the country) because I am not trying to pay a bill during a time I didn't use it…and he's in the middle of the jungle in a 3rd world country and as a FOB (fresh of the boat) 3rd worlder, I know getting internet access can be hard. So….I wouldn't give up just yet.

  8. Happy Fun Pants

    Okay, can I just say that no matter what the case, this sucks?

    It sucks to put yourself out there and to feel vulnerable…to have a guy touch you in ways you want to be touched (OMG, I'm talking to you, small of my back) and to tell you things that the real "the one" WILL say.

    I think it's strange that it's disconnected and feel like that's probably not due to you.

    But whatever the case, at least he's out.

    I always welcomed turds like that…I mean, at least they saved me the brain energy from having to decide if they were the right one for me or not.

    NEXT! 🙂

  9. Lindieinred

    There is no way that he disconnected the phone b/c of you. So please don't beat yourself up on that one. He could have decided to extend his work outside the country and disconnected his phone. Maybe he didn't get back or write to you because you seemed a little nonchalant/iffy about the whole thing, and didn't take him up on his offer before he left. I just think everything here is due to misunderstanding and trepidation on both sides. I think if you guys met up and spoke again that you both would see that.

  10. Kristin

    Hey CeCe, It has been a minute since I've commented (this is minordetail) but I've been following the entries. It sucks majorly that you're having to go through this. I'd like to offer another side of things… if Adrian really did pull a vanishing act, then he's the biggest jerk ever…and I have a few vanishing act stories that would blow you away. Nobody should have to go thru that… however, it does seem quite strange that he would express such a strong interest only to go *poof* this way. If Adrian really did leave the country for work, maybe there's more to this than we know. I admit that 3 weeks is a long time to not be in contact…. but I have a sneaking suspicion you haven't heard the last from him. Keep us posted but in the meantime continue to date other people, and don't you for a second think this had anything to do with you at all. *hugs*

  11. Anonymous

    I know we're supposed to be all supportive and everything but I'm a little surprised that not ONE of you will tell CeCe what is obvious to me — an objective observer. She got played. He overplayed his intentions in the beginning because he was hiding other demons and knew she'd fall for it because she's desperate. Who knows what those demons are. The lesson for CeCe is to be more careful. Be more skeptical. People have agendas.

  12. Donda

    @Anon-EVERY person on this planet has an agenda. Not every person on this planet has ill intentions. Don't try to make CeCe think that she has to keep her guard up all the time just because one guy is a peckersnot.

  13. StayDreaming

    Wow @ anonymous. I'm only commenting to say you're an idiot. She didn't display one ounce of desperation throughout this whole thing. Just because he thought his brand of game would work on her, doesn't make her actions wrong. The entire situation only leaves Cece in the right. She played it exactly right. Didn't hold out for something that wasn't a sure thing, gave him the opportunity to contact her if he wanted to. She can't change the fact that he is an asshole (though its possible its just misunderstanding). Seriously, on to the next one.

  14. Single Much?

    Totally dealing with a similar situation. I'm dating a guy who seems totally into me. He even talked about my being with me on my bday which isn't until the end of Nov. However, then he disappears. He is VERY busy, so I get it…but come on! If you like me, make the effort. I should be worth it right?
    Anyway, twice now I've given up on hearing from him. But then out of nowhere, he returns, charming as ever. Not really sure what I should do….

  15. C_Girl

    Oh, boys suck (I know I’m late to the party but I just found your blog.) I have been on a dating marathon for the past year, and I try to keep a couple of rules in mind for times when things are frustrating and unclear. Chief among them is this: If he wants to see me, he will. Because I know if I want to talk to or see someone, nothing will stop me. I found a way to IM with a boy from Africa for god’s sake (and we had never met, and he turned out to be a complete ass.) Hang in there! Dating is hard but fleetingly worth it.

  16. Lionel

    Can I just say what a reduction to seek out someone who truly knows what theyre speaking about on the internet. You definitely know the way to carry a difficulty to gentle and make it important. More individuals have to read this and understand this side of the story. I cant believe youre no more in style because you undoubtedly have the gift.

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