Normally, I have profiles on the mainstream online dating sites, but recently I created a profile on a niche “BBW” dating site. It wasn’t long before I was being contacted by different guys. Last night I logged on to check my messages and here’s an unedited excerpt of the what was in my inbox:
What’s up?? You’re whats up my dear?Do you like my profile my dear?Doing some networking for my uncle he’s throwing a buisness/soical boat network on October 15th and helping him sell tickets you know?So how sexy are u in person,like big gurls like you.I’m backl to work next Monday at Radio City we got big shows coming up until our Xmas shows kicks off November 5th till December 30th.So CeCe what’s your spots baby.I rep Harlem at 135th street by 8th av.
So SexyCeCe what are 5 things you seek in a potential mate?I seek wisdom,sexiness,support,spontanious and freakiness in a woman.Is that too much to ask,plus working security at MSg has it’s moments trust me.I enjoy working at Radio City Music Hall for my 8 years,especially meeting my cooworkers over the years.
Ok so when seriously can call you?Might wanna take yiou to a nice lounge and have a few drinks and kick it in Harlem.
I don’t even know where to begin… aside from being called “my dear” by a man I don’t know, I never thought that “Sexiness” and “freakiness” would be in the top five things a man came up with when he imagined his “potential mate”. I didn’t respond to this dude, but so far he’s a pretty good representation of the guys that are on the BBW/Admirers sites. Reading the messages I received from him and others liked him made me stop and think:
Which would I rather have: A guy who liked me because of my size or a guy who liked me in spite of my size?
When I first started attending the NYC BBW parties, the idea of a man who was drawn to me because of my body seemed like a good one. I was excited to put my “winning personality” on the shelf and let my body draw men in, and it worked. My low cut tops and curve hugging jeans were appreciated in full at these establishments. My tummy, hips, curves and rolls weren’t avoided, they were touched and appreciated.
But instead of feeling celebrated, I felt violated.
At first I thought it was my own insecurities; I told myself that I needed to love my body just like the BBW lovers did. Of course it was fun to feel wanted, to feel sexy, but when the night was over I felt more detached from my body than ever. I began to realize that fat is what I am, but not who I am. Most of these men were in the fetish zone; attracted to my fat and uninterested in who CeCe was. I had spent my whole life wondering what it felt like to have someone want me for my body (like the skinny girls do) and when it finally happened, I hated it.
I wanted my “winning personality” to matter. I wanted to be more than a huge pair of boobs and a soft belly.
On the flip side, when I went out to mainstream events with my (skinny)friends, they were meeting people and I wasn’t. I felt invisible and in those moments I longed to be at a big girl party. At least there, I didn’t feel like I got all dressed up for nothing.
For a while I couldn’t decide what was worse; the wrong kind of attention or no attention at all.
Looking at my dating history this year, I think I have the answer to my question. I completely understand that not all “BBW Admirers” are weirdos. I know that there are amazing/caring/stable/normal men in this world who are exclusively attracted to big girls. But for me, I’m more comfortable with a guy who likes me in spite of my size.
Guys like Kevin and Adrian were great dating experiences that (no matter how they ended) made me feel like a girl. Not a big girl or a skinny girl, just a girl. I know that these guys didn’t usually date Plus Size Princesses, but there was something about me that attracted them. These men treated me like I was something to be desired and made efforts to know who I was. They never made comments about how they “love girls with a little meat on their bones” or “hated skinny bitches” they just dated me, held my hand, kissed me and told me I was beautiful …and that was enough.
Which do you prefer?