Safety First

I often find myself jumping feet first into the ocean of love.

I don’t think to ask how deep the waters are or how swift the under tow is. I don’t even bother to grab a life jacket. I just take a leap of faith, with a false confidence that I will ride the waves unscathed. And yet, somehow, I end up drowning. My lungs expand with the pressure of promises unkept. I feel the sting of returned calls and questions are left unanswered, and I’m left to sink to the bottom… wondering.

Some people in my position would swear off swimming completely, but not me. I will continue to leap, but I have to look first. I can’t jump into relationships as recklessly as I have in the past because I’m not sure how many more false starts I can take.

Before Adrian left for a month, he tried to bring up the idea of exclusivity and I brushed it off. Some of you encouraged me to take a hard look at what I want, others reminded me that a month was not that long of a separation. Both are points that I’ve taken to heart and because of that I refuse to set Adrian and I up for disaster.

What I want is to be in a relationship with him, but instead of agreeing to exclusivity prematurely, I am going to take a moment and put on my love life jacket. I’m going to take things slow because, as many of you reminded me, “its just a month!”. Lets be honest; Adrian is going to the rural Forest to save an endangered species, I don’t think he’s going to have time or opportunity to date anyone else and I’m not particularly looking for anyone else at this point, so unless I run into Andy Roddick at the US Open or something… I will be ready to pick up where Adrian and I left off upon his return.

I left Adrian hanging on the whole exclusive thing because I didn’t want to set us up for disaster. Because of where he is, I wasn’t 100% sure that his promises to stay in touch could be fulfilled because I wasn’t sure what his Internet access would be. We were up until the early morning on his last night here, he called me right before his plane took off to tell me that he “missed me already” and that he’d email once he got settled.

Its been 2 weeks since he left and I haven’t heard from him. Not once.

Can you imagine what a wreck I would be if I had agreed to be his girlfriend and then didn’t hear from him for two weeks?!

Of course, I’m disappointed that he hasn’t kept in touch the way he said he would, but I have no idea what his circumstances are. So I just have to be patient and hope that there’s a good excuse for what is/isn’t going on.

In the meantime, self preservation is key for me. With Adrian I made sure to look before I took that leap and when I saw that it wasn’t the right time, I stayed where I was. When Adrian comes back, I’ll be more than happy to jump into things feet first.

But right now, I have to play it safe and I’m happy with my choices.

16 thoughts on “Safety First”

  1. Ugh. Two weeks? I agree with self preservation and "love life jacket" – sort of how I feel too, if and when I am faced with that myself. Good luck, hope he comes around!

  2. I love self preservation. I too often jump in feet first without thinking about it and end up drowning!!! So I totally understand your choices!!! Kudos for you for putting on your life jacket to keep from drowning!

  3. Two weeks? In this day and age I just don't see a good excuse for that. Kudos for putting on that life jacket though, but I dont like the idea of you waiting around. Please make sure u have fun and go out in the upcoming weeeks…and if somebody else wants to take you out, there's no harm in obliging.

  4. hey Cece, I thought this was an interesting post. I agree with you to keep the "love life jacket" on, but I also think you need to give Adrian some credit. Guys and their egos are sometimes more fragile than women. What has you wondering why it's been two weeks must have him panicking that he hasn't been able to contact you for so long and that you're probably being asked out on dates. I think it's good to remember your current situation…you're in NYC, doing your thing and having fun with friends….while he is in the JUNGLE!! Not a lot happening there social wise. If I were you, I'd drop him a quick line to say you hope he's enjoying himself and you can't wait to hear all about it. Simple, yet friendly and you aren't putting yourself out there too much.
    That's just a suggestion though, I'm sure you are handling things great already.

  5. You are being smart. I think it would be way too soon to agree to be exclusive, regardless of him leaving town or not. Let him chase you a bit…I don't mean game playing, but I just don't think at that soon into a relationship, either of you should take yourselves off the market. Give it a few months…date..have fun. The minute exclusivity is on the table, there are so many expectations. Why not get to know each other first and let him show you he is someone you should be exclusive with before you agree to be his GF (whether or not you have other prospects doesn't matter). Just my two cents.

    Only two more weeks. I'd be very surprised if you didn't hear from him.

  6. It's interesting that I happened upon this particular post in your blog.
    I'm going through …well damn… almost an identical circumstance right now, and it's driving me literally crazy. I'm crying, I'm depressed… not knowing… and this whole "Patience is a virtue"… I swore if one more person said that.. I was gonna flip… but then I read your post… and then I understood I'm not the only one going through something like this… there isn't just my side to the story.. I don't know what's going on on the other side…so yes, you're right. You are completely 100% correct… and I really do need to learn, that patience is a great, great virtue, and one I need to sit down and aquire. Thank you so much, for posting such a real, and personal part of your life. In this way, you've made my days not so dark, not so scary, not so obsolete. Thank you…so much.

  7. Having just been dumped by somebody who I fell madly in love with in a span of a couple of weeks (and who said loved me) because he now claims he's not ready for a romantic relationship, I completely agree with your acts of self-preservation. I'm not sure if I can pick up the pieces of my heart once again and realize that I jumped in without heeding any of the signs. I wish you all the luck in the world!

  8. I agree with the self-preservation idea. I find myself doing the same over and over again (just this weekend, in fact). It's easier to fall off the boat and be floating around than underwater, halfway down to the ocean floor.

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