I often find myself jumping feet first into the ocean of love.
I don’t think to ask how deep the waters are or how swift the under tow is. I don’t even bother to grab a life jacket. I just take a leap of faith, with a false confidence that I will ride the waves unscathed. And yet, somehow, I end up drowning. My lungs expand with the pressure of promises unkept. I feel the sting of returned calls and questions are left unanswered, and I’m left to sink to the bottom… wondering.
Some people in my position would swear off swimming completely, but not me. I will continue to leap, but I have to look first. I can’t jump into relationships as recklessly as I have in the past because I’m not sure how many more false starts I can take.
Before Adrian left for a month, he tried to bring up the idea of exclusivity and I brushed it off. Some of you encouraged me to take a hard look at what I want, others reminded me that a month was not that long of a separation. Both are points that I’ve taken to heart and because of that I refuse to set Adrian and I up for disaster.
What I want is to be in a relationship with him, but instead of agreeing to exclusivity prematurely, I am going to take a moment and put on my love life jacket. I’m going to take things slow because, as many of you reminded me, “its just a month!”. Lets be honest; Adrian is going to the rural Forest to save an endangered species, I don’t think he’s going to have time or opportunity to date anyone else and I’m not particularly looking for anyone else at this point, so unless I run into Andy Roddick at the US Open or something… I will be ready to pick up where Adrian and I left off upon his return.
I left Adrian hanging on the whole exclusive thing because I didn’t want to set us up for disaster. Because of where he is, I wasn’t 100% sure that his promises to stay in touch could be fulfilled because I wasn’t sure what his Internet access would be. We were up until the early morning on his last night here, he called me right before his plane took off to tell me that he “missed me already” and that he’d email once he got settled.
Its been 2 weeks since he left and I haven’t heard from him. Not once.
Can you imagine what a wreck I would be if I had agreed to be his girlfriend and then didn’t hear from him for two weeks?!
Of course, I’m disappointed that he hasn’t kept in touch the way he said he would, but I have no idea what his circumstances are. So I just have to be patient and hope that there’s a good excuse for what is/isn’t going on.
In the meantime, self preservation is key for me. With Adrian I made sure to look before I took that leap and when I saw that it wasn’t the right time, I stayed where I was. When Adrian comes back, I’ll be more than happy to jump into things feet first.
But right now, I have to play it safe and I’m happy with my choices.