Friday night Robert and I met up with Chris (Roberts brother) and Chris’ new girlfriend. Robert brings me to things with his brother often, so Chris and I get along really well. The four of us spent the evening laughing, drinking and dancing. Robert came over and leaned into my ear, so that I could hear him over the music, “Do you want another drink?” he asked. I nodded and before he pulled away, he lingered, letting his mouth brush against my neck.
Robert walked away, I stared at the ground for a minute and when I looked up, his brother was staring at me. Chris made his way over to me, and yelled over the music, “everyone wants to know what’s going on with you and my brother!”
“Um, who is ‘everyone’?” I yelled with a nervous giggle.
“Our friends, family… anyone who has ever seen the two of you together, has asked what is going on!”
If this were a commercial, I would just stuff a Twix in my mouth to keep from talking. I never imagined that I would be confronted about the relationship that Robert and I do/don’t have. Call me old fashioned, but I thought it was the mans job to define the relationship.
“Well, who are they asking?”
“They ask me, they ask Robert…”
“…and what does Robert say?”
“He says he ‘doesn’t know’!”
I bit my lip. I don’t know has been my refrain for longer than I’d like to admit. I don’t know why Robert muscled his way into my life… I don’t know why Robert can spend entire weekends with me… I don’t know why he cuts me off when I try to bring up other guys that ask me out… I don’t know why it feels so normal when his arm is casually draped around me… I don’t know why I’m on yet another unspoken double date….
“Well, if Robert ‘doesn’t know’… then, I don’t know either!”
When I told my sister what happened she mentioned that Robert saying “I don’t know” is better than him saying “Nothing, we’re just friends” but, I’m getting tired of the grey area. The way I see it there are two ways out of the grey.
1.) Start a relationship with Robert. 2.) Start a relationship with someone else.
Something I said in the last Curvy Conversation has been echoing in my head: I am always leery of “Placeholders”. Placeholders = Guys who make me feel like I have a boyfriend when I really don’t. When I have a Placeholder taking me to movies, dinners, being my +1 for events etc., he is filling the relationship voids in my life which feels good because… I don’t feel single! On the other hand, it makes it harder for me to open myself up to 100% committed relationships with other people.
Sadly, I’ve had more Placeholders in my life than I can count, and at first glance Robert seems like a classic Placeholder situation. The difference is that as much as I would love to take my relationship with Robert to the next level, I am 150% open to a relationship with someone else. I will do anything to get out of the grey!
I date… a lot. I cancel plans with Robert if a guy asks me out. I’ve been so desperate to get out of the grey area with Robert that I was willing to put up with things like long distance with Kevin or “baby mama drama” with Mike (heck, I even talked to a homeless man!) all for the chance of having a black and white dating situation.
I’ve been avoiding writing about Robert because I feel like everyone gets annoyed with me and as much as I try, I can’t seem to convey all of the dynamics (some his fault, some mine) that have us stuck in the grey. I wish it were as simple as “He’s just not that into you” or “He’s gay” or “He doesn’t like big girls” but its not.
Anyway, I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. My fight to get out of the grey area continues….