Curvy Conversations

He Never Touches Me… Thoughts???

July 14 2009 | CeCe Olisa

I’ve always been the type of girl who needed physical affection. In the past, I’ve fallen for a guy behind simple things like hand holding or touching the small of my back. Its always amazing to me how the right touch from the right person can make me forget all about my size.

On the other hand, there are ways of being touched that make me hyper-aware of my size. Like when a man jokingly pats me on the arm with too much force or when a female friend leans her head on me and says “you’re so… comfortable!”

One of the things I’m noticing about Robert is that he’s not very affectionate with me. I’m used to guys that are eager to touch, cuddle etc. So, at first I thought that maybe he wasn’t sure what his boundaries were. I tried to make efforts to be the one to “reach out” but I felt like he was still tense whenever we touched.

I began to rationalize that maybe his family wasn’t that affectionate and over time he’d have to learn how to be that way with me. That all changed the other night when my (skinny) friend Kenzie and I met Robert and his brother, Chris, for drinks.

Both Kenzie and Chris are in relationships with other people, but they are also shameless flirts. So, within three hours of meeting, they developed a physical chemistry that Robert and I hadn’t achieved in the three months we’ve been hanging out. Chris rested his hand on Kenzie’s leg, Kenzie draped herself over Chris’s shoulder and as we walked from one bar to the next, Chris would casually wrap his arm around Kenzies waist.

As I watched them I thought to myself, There goes my “non-affectionate family” theory.

Of course the more tipsy I got, the more I ignored all the other ways in which Robert and I have great chemistry and focused solely on our lack of physical contact.

We left the last bar and started walking towards the train station when my mind began to race:

Why doesn’t Robert want to touch me???
If I looked like Kenzie, would things be different???
He’s definitely not attracted to me…

I was walking a few feet ahead of everyone, lost in thought, when suddenly I heard Robert yelling “piggyback ride!” He was running up from behind me, preparing to jump on my back. I wanted to scream:

“Are you kidding me? The one time you try to touch me all night is so that I can carry you? No girl wants to carry the guy she likes on her back, what is feminine about that??? Kenzie gets to be caressed and coddled all night by your brother and I get to be treated like a damn mule? This is crazy!”

Instead I winced and yelled “DON’T DO THAT!”

I had never yelled at him before.

“Oh-kay!” he said awkwardly, “I guess you don’t like that.”

I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t say anything. I know a lot of it is my insecurities and I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to Kenzie, but with Robert and I lingering in this grey area everything means something and to me a man gets a piggyback ride from his buddies, not from the girl he likes.

Thoughts???

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43 responses on “He Never Touches Me… Thoughts???

  1. Missouri Girl

    My first knee jerk get reaction is that you are in his "friend zone". You are right, but a guy who likes a girl is not going to piggy back her in her public…unless he was drunk and just acting a fool.

    Now I don't know Robert, and my track record with reading men and their intentions and actions are sub-par, but ask yourself this…

    If the relationship progresses do you want to live without the affection? I know I couldn't.

    Sorry if this sounded harsh, but I have so been there.

  2. Dating Trooper

    I have the same reactions to the kind of non-feminine touch you are talking about, which is why I always say I will never go for a guy who weighs less than me. If I can pick him up – no go.

    But "hanging out" with a guy for three months and you are still in a gray area? CeCe, at this point you should know where you stand and it does sound a bit like 'friend zone" to me.

    I know it probably feels impossible, but why don't you just sit down with him over a glass of wine and have what I like to call an "HonestFest." Tell him how you feel about him and what you would like your relationship to be. Then sit back and let him talk.

    You deserve to ask for what you want. Doesn't mean you'll get it but this gray area sounds like torture and you deserve more!

  3. Beth @ Kitchen Minions

    Oh gosh, I agree and disagree with everyone. (does that make sense?) First, I have been in so many "relationships" like that and it is totally a friend zone.

    However, that being said, my husband asks for piggy back rides ALL THE TIME. He also can't keep his hands off of me.

    I know how tempting it is to keep going since it is comfortable, but it is so much better when the physical side is prominent.

    I agree with trooper, you deserve someone that can't keep his hands off of you! (in a good way not a creepy way)

  4. Manbeef

    She said she wanted to be "touched". I interpreted her need to be touched as outside the sexual context, eg more like holding hands in public? I may be wrong but she never said she hasn't had sex with her non affectionate manfriend no? I think she has had sex and she is probably good at it. Good enough to keep manfriend around until he finds a woman he is proud to hang out and hold hands with and be cuddly with in public. If he is piggyback riding her with nothing else, our friend is just being played.

  5. Does

    Forgive me if I am wrong but the first kiss that DIDN'T happen was not that long ago on your birthday and you have been hanging out for how long??
    I hate to be the B$#ch here BUT MOST men don't take months or even weeks to kiss a woman they are attracted to and want.
    Lets be honest here.. he is either gay or he only wants you as a friend. Either way start looking for someone that satisfies you in ALL ways.

    He is just not that into you..

  6. Kristin

    This is so weird… i was in this same position just a few months ago. I won't tell you what happened with the guy, but i WILL tell you that body language is very important. When you're with him, focus on whether or not you feel romantic chemistry… if that passion isn't there, then you know what the deal is. The one thing i could accurately deduce, was that I KNEW how men in the past who were definitely interested in me acted towards me… this guy, didn't do that.. i'd suggest maybe thinking along those lines… cuz you're too special to be strung along.

  7. Rome

    i know your question was posted about 2 years ago,, but i have the same problem, thats how i got here! i’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months, he says he loves me, he holds my hand, and we cuddle, but his kisses only last for a split second! and he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow!!! we used to be more affectionate in bed until a few month ago.. i tried to ask him a couple of times, the first time all he said was “nothing is wrong!” but the other time he got so angry at me and said “i already told you”!!! i was kinda shocked because all he said was that nothing is wrong, but i can sense that something is not right! i am not sure if he finds me “repulsive” or if there is someone else! i trust him and he never gave me a reason not to.. we live together and he comes straight home from work and doesnt go out much! I’m not expecting anyone to be able to give me an “answer”.. i think he is the only person who can answer that, but he gets so defensive about it, so I’m not sure how to approach him! anyways, I am curious to know what happened with that “piggyback” ride guy! my boyfriend did this to me too, we were walking with 3 other people and he was drunk, so i just kept walking completely ignoring him so he put his arm on my shoulder and asked me what i wanted for dinner!! i dont get him, if he’s not into me, why does he live with me? why is he still here!??

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