I’ve always been the type of girl who needed physical affection. In the past, I’ve fallen for a guy behind simple things like hand holding or touching the small of my back. Its always amazing to me how the right touch from the right person can make me forget all about my size.
On the other hand, there are ways of being touched that make me hyper-aware of my size. Like when a man jokingly pats me on the arm with too much force or when a female friend leans her head on me and says “you’re so… comfortable!”
One of the things I’m noticing about Robert is that he’s not very affectionate with me. I’m used to guys that are eager to touch, cuddle etc. So, at first I thought that maybe he wasn’t sure what his boundaries were. I tried to make efforts to be the one to “reach out” but I felt like he was still tense whenever we touched.
I began to rationalize that maybe his family wasn’t that affectionate and over time he’d have to learn how to be that way with me. That all changed the other night when my (skinny) friend Kenzie and I met Robert and his brother, Chris, for drinks.
Both Kenzie and Chris are in relationships with other people, but they are also shameless flirts. So, within three hours of meeting, they developed a physical chemistry that Robert and I hadn’t achieved in the three months we’ve been hanging out. Chris rested his hand on Kenzie’s leg, Kenzie draped herself over Chris’s shoulder and as we walked from one bar to the next, Chris would casually wrap his arm around Kenzies waist.
As I watched them I thought to myself, There goes my “non-affectionate family” theory.
Of course the more tipsy I got, the more I ignored all the other ways in which Robert and I have great chemistry and focused solely on our lack of physical contact.
We left the last bar and started walking towards the train station when my mind began to race:
Why doesn’t Robert want to touch me???
If I looked like Kenzie, would things be different???
He’s definitely not attracted to me…
I was walking a few feet ahead of everyone, lost in thought, when suddenly I heard Robert yelling “piggyback ride!” He was running up from behind me, preparing to jump on my back. I wanted to scream:
“Are you kidding me? The one time you try to touch me all night is so that I can carry you? No girl wants to carry the guy she likes on her back, what is feminine about that??? Kenzie gets to be caressed and coddled all night by your brother and I get to be treated like a damn mule? This is crazy!”
Instead I winced and yelled “DON’T DO THAT!”
I had never yelled at him before.
“Oh-kay!” he said awkwardly, “I guess you don’t like that.”
I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t say anything. I know a lot of it is my insecurities and I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to Kenzie, but with Robert and I lingering in this grey area everything means something and to me a man gets a piggyback ride from his buddies, not from the girl he likes.