This weeks Curvy Conversation comes from an anonymous reader:
I love your blog and your refreshing honesty. You remind me of Carrie from Sex in the City but don’t worry you aren’t anywhere near as neurotic as she was…LOL.
I see that you battle the same issues with weight and dating that I have. I have always had a battle of the bulge, but I’ve never been as obese as I am right now. I am currently a size 26 which is down from a size 28. Prior to all of this weight gain, I was never higher than a size 14. I put on all of this weight due to some changes I made in my life some years back when I moved out of state. Since then it is as if my life came to a screeching halt. I always felt as if I couldn’t go to a particular place, wear certain clothing etc., unless I lost weight.
Well…some years have gone by and each year I put on even more weight. I have finally come to the sad conclusion that I am fat and may always be fat. But I have resigned myself to at least become fat, healthy, to develop my own plus size style and build my self esteem. I ordered a brand new wardrobe and I am trying to build up the courage to wear my new clothes. I have dressed frumpy for so long now that it has become very comfortable.
The men that approach me these days seem to look downright homeless or they are really old. When I meet a cute guy in my age group, I can’t even bring myself to look him in the eyes. Because I am so used to averting my eyes from the men that I don’t want attention from. I am suspicious if a man seems like he is attracted to me because I feel like I am reading into the situation wrong. I am so downtrodden from bad relationships that I prefer to sit at home on the weekends and eat tasty food while watching my favorite movies. As you can see, this is doing nothing for me.
I don’t expect you to have the answers for me. But please if you can….give me a little assistance so that I can overcome all of this. I would love to get married and have children and while I want to believe that I can find someone who would love me for me….I haven’t convinced myself that I will find someone who will love me at this weight.
There’s so much I want to say– I don’t know where to begin!
First of all… congrats on dropping a size, obviously its not your ideal size, but you’re on the way down which is great! Of course, I love that you are making a change in your wardrobe. Getting dressed in the morning should be fun! Of course as PSP’s sometimes it takes a little more effort/research/trial and error for us to develop a signature style, but when we look good, we feel good! And the more you feel good about your size 26, 22 or 18 self the more you are going to draw people to you. Its all about being the best possible version of us, no matter what that looks like!
Also, might I suggest that you donate your old, frumpy clothes to the Goodwill? This way your new wardrobe will be your only choice! I say this because it makes me nervous that you think you need courage in order to debut the new you… It sounds like you have a closet full of fashionable, well fitting clothes… so why are you waiting to put them on?
As a matter of fact– I think “Why Wait?” might be my theme for you.
There are so many things I’ve put on hold, telling myself that they could happen “next year” once I’ve lost weight. But then “next year” comes and I weigh more than I did the year before. There are opportunities and events I’ve passed up due to my size; Now if I said I was going to take that time and go to the gym instead that would make sense, but is that what I’d do? No! I would sit at home and (like you) I would eat. If I really think about it, how many happy moments have I passed up in favor of unhappy ones at home with Ben & Jerry? And how many more unhappy moments have I caused due to the calories consumed during my time spent with Ben & Jerry?
I know for me it was a defense mechanism. I would tell myself “why go out and dance with your girlfriends, no one is going to talk to you anyway…” but I would totally forget that I love to dance! I would rob myself of things I enjoyed because of how other people might react to me. Its a vicious cycle, but its one that can be broken!
The next time an opportunity comes for you to be social throw on one of your cute new outfits and go! Of course you may face rejection or awkward moments (who doesn’t?) but you also may have the time of your life, so… Why wait?
Now, lets say that you find it in you to get dolled up and get social. What we can’t have you doing is averting your eyes every time a man comes near. This sounds crazy, but you have to force yourself to make eye contact, because the funny thing is– while you’re looking away out of shyness/insecurity, men are looking at you thinking you’re unapproachable, snobby etc. Practice in the grocery store, on the bus… wherever. The more you do it, the easier it gets… kinda. To be honest, this is something I need to work on as well (the other night, Robert and I went out dancing and I realized I barely looked him in the face the whole night– eek!).
Of course the more confidence you have, the more you will attract the type of men that you’re looking for. But I have to say, unless you love yourself… love from a man will still leave a void. As hard as this may be to hear; the work begins with you. As you begin to pour love into your own heart– the man who is meant to love you, at whatever size you happen to be, will come. (this is a lesson I am STILL learning).
Again, the love you’re looking for starts inside of you. Take care of you… treat yourself as something precious and any man who meets you will have no choice but to do the same.
P.S. I try to keep my neurotic side under wraps, but I’ll be a “Curvy Carrie” any day!
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