I said I deserved the best… but did I believe it?

I’m really good at dating “B” or even “C” list guys.

“B/C” list guys are guys who don’t meet my basic standards, who fall short on most of the qualities I’d expect from a man who was seriously interested in me. I think in the past I’ve found comfort in knowing that a guy is “out of his league” when he’s with me. I know its bad, but I think it helps me to keep my guard up, keep them at a distance…

I mean, its a lot easier to let go of something that isn’t a legitimate option, right?

Even though I’ve wasted time dating men who I really couldn’t see a future with, I’ve never let go of the idea that one day a guy would come along and he’d be all the things I wanted/needed him to be. Sadly, its just now hitting me that the idea never included him coming along while I was a PSP. I’m realizing that never in my wildest dreams did I think that I might find what I was looking for before I lost a significant amount of weight.

So… now we have Robert, who easily surpasses the things that I expect from a guy who’s interested in me (as he may be). We’re spending time together– hanging out, getting to know each other… but then something happens; when I’m alone, I freak out. I convince myself that what’s happening isn’t real. I convince myself that he’s just being friendly. At first I blamed what Jeremy put me through for my hesitation, but I think it goes deeper than that…

The high that I feel when Robert and I are together is followed by a terrifying low when I’m alone. I tell myself that somehow I’ve tricked him into hanging out with me every weekend and he’s just too nice to say “no”. I find myself talking about him constantly to friends, not because I’m obsessed with him, but because I’m trying to convince myself that this is actually happening… that he’s actually interested in me, which would imply that there’s an amount of attraction there as well.

How is it that I can understand that the “B/C” list guys who don’t treat me as well as they should are missing out. But at the same time not understand that an “A” list guy who dates me is getting a good thing?

My once solid self esteem is melting in the face of an actual prospect, I’m so disappointed in myself. I swore I was better than this… but I guess I didn’t believe it.

10 thoughts on “I said I deserved the best… but did I believe it?”

  1. Are we twins? I could have written this, and I understand exactly what you mean and how you are feeling. Especially now. I am hanging on to someone because I fear being alone, and I am too afraid to start something with someone new, for fear of it ending.

  2. You express some of my thoughts so well. I never really believe that any guy considers me as a potential girlfriend – as opposed to a potential hookup – and I think that I’m right. Everytime I’ve let myself fall a little too hard, they leave and I’m left feeling really let down. Until I’m thinner, I do’t think I really stand a chance.

    But I’m glad that this seems to be working out for you – I think only you can know whether to let yourself fall completely or not.

  3. Sounds like you hit a nerve with many of us – PSPs or not. It’s too bad that something good that is finally happening is being tainted by your alone time freakouts.

    This is precisely the opportunity — if you don’t already — to see a therapist to just get a little help sorting through your mistaken beliefs (speaking from experience here). Friends can only help so much (otherwise “you are worth it” would have worked by now, right?). A shrink will challenge you and hopefully help you see the light. Just a friendly suggestion from someone who’s rooting for you.

  4. You’ve clearly hit a nerve with us women, so well done!

    I too can totally relate. I think it’s really hard in the early stages of the relationship to let yourself believe that he is really into you.

    I’ve always dated guys where I know the relationship has a expiration date – and for the first time, I’ve met someone where I can’t see the end and that should make over-the-moon happy. Instead, I am freaking out wondering if he thinks we have an expiration date and why he bothers to hang out with me at all.

  5. I have been meaning to respond to this post since you wrote it. It struck SUCH a cord with me. When I was single I would settle for ANYONE. I thought I deserved the best, but frankly, I never thought the best would want me, so I had to go the extra step. It freaked me out when I met my husband, I thought it was going to be a big joke on me!

    I wonder if overweight men have similar thoughts…

  6. THAT is why my e-mail is signature is the famous Groucho Marx quote, "I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." *sigh*

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