Telling A Man How You Feel: Thoughts???

It was a brisk Friday night in the city and I was on a first date.

It had gone well; dinner, bowling and now Tyson was walking me home. Our chemistry wasn’t fireworks, but I saw potential and I needed someone (anyone!) to make me feel like letting go of Jeremy was a good choice.

I know I can be traditional (sometimes to a fault). Waiting for the man to call… to ask me out… to move things forward, etc. So I decided I would do my best not to hold Tyson to my normal high standards. I ignored it when he didnt rush to open doors for me. I was pleasantly surprised when he paid for everything and I hid my annoyance as we walked home and he let me walk on the outside (closest to the traffic).

When we got to my apartment, things went as they usually do after a first date. There was nervous chatter, a few awkward pauses and then I said “Well, I had fun!” That’s when Tyson did something unexpected. He looked at me for a moment and said “You did? Hmmm… You’re really hard to read.”

“I am?”

“Yes, you are… most girls are pretty obvious when they like a guy.”

“I guess I’m not like most girls…”

He Nodded. “So, what do you think about this… about, us?”

I didnt know what to do, I had never been asked how I wanted to move forward before and I didnt like it. I would have prefered a simple hug/kiss and a goodnight, to wait a few days and voila! he’d call me… this was hard! It was then that I remembered my comitment to do things differently, to step away from my rules and traditions. My stomach tightened:

“I– I like you, I think, um, I think that this is good! I would like to see you again.” I wanted to frown, but remembered to smile.

“Great!” He replied and swept me up in a big long hug. He kissed me on the cheek, watched me as I entered my building. 30 minutes later I got a text message “I’m home”, I replied with “thanks again, I had fun”, to which he sent a “:-)”

This was over a month ago, and I never heard from Tyson again. This is why I hate putting myself out there. Why would he ask me what I thought if he knew he wasnt really that interested? It doesnt make any sense to me! Did he just want an ego stroke?

Of course it was easy to express myself to Tyson because I was indifferent about dating him. He was more of an excersize, but what about when a guy who I am seriously interested in asks me how I feel? This is just another reason I feel like it makes more sense to let the guy take the lead in matters of the heart.


29 thoughts on “Telling A Man How You Feel: Thoughts???”

  1. I don’t normally comment, but, well, you asked ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I think that it’s not fair to expect the guy to know what you want. Why should he ask you out again, put himself out there (risking rejection, since you’re “really hard to read” in his head), when you don’t want to take the same risk (put yourself out there) yourself? Just cause he’s a guy? That doesn’t seem right.

    I think its fine to expect good manners, but to be honest I doubt most people know about the ‘girl shouldn’t walk on the outside’ rule and such of that nature.

    I don’t think he was asking for an ego stroke. I think he was just curious about how you felt the night went. At least he cared that you had fun. When you said you had a good time, what was he supposed to say– well I didn’t, I don’t want to go out again? You said yourself that you were indifferent to dating him, and yea maybe you hid it behind a smile but he could probably tell.

    (ps- I’m not intending this to sound snotty or mean or like I know it all (I don’t, trust me!), but you asked for other opinions so I thought I’d give mine ๐Ÿ™‚ )

  2. I would guess that he was on the fence as well. He didn’t want to write you off but wanted to see what you were thinking.

    I had the EXACT same thing happen. We exchanged texts at the end of the night and I never heard from him again. My situation is somewhat worse though because he was a friend of a friend. Talk about awkward!

    Maybe his not calling had little to do with you… maybe he met someone the next day, maybe he was already in some sort of relationship that went in a direction he didn’t anticipate. Maybe he just doesn’t want to date right now.

    The good news is that you didn’t invest a lot of time and energy!

  3. I had the exact opposite reaction when he called you out a little on whether or not you had a good time. I think it’s a good sign that he cared enough to really find out (rather than just making light, meaningless chit chat which is what most of that talk is anyway).

    And it’s good that you are in the mode to do things differently than you normally would (I am too -it’s hard). He asked, you answered, presumably you were both truthful. So he didn’t call you back…well that sucks. But when it comes down to it, you didn’t put that much out there and at least you know what you did put out there was genuine. For whatever reason, he didn’t take that next step. But you keep dong what you’re doing with every guy that comes down the pike and it’ll get you what you need. At least I hope so or I’m screwed.

  4. I have had the same thing happen to me. I always go with, honesty is the best policy. If I didn’t really care to see the person again, I wouldn’t say that I wanted to, then it’s kinda like wasting both of your time. But then again, I always want fireworks from square one, even if it does get me hurt.

    I really enjoy reading your blog. You are very candid and sincire.


    Another large and in charge girl, living in NYC.

  5. I love your blog! I found your blog b/c I’ve had some click-throughs (thank you BlogHer) to my own site from here. When I first read this post, it really pissed me off, I thought “what a douche.” But then I went back and read it again. You were thinking of him as “someone, anyone!”, and you weren’t feeling the fireworks, so the truth is, when he didn’t perceive that you were into him, he was right. I imagine that when he got home and thought it over during the next couple of days, his gut told him he just wasn’t getting the vibe from you. Hard to say what he was feeling, although I give his credit for putting himself out there and asking you. I just wish he had responded with a candid description of his own feelings. Oh well, FIDO (f**k it, drive on)!

  6. Sorry, I am late on reading this post!

    I have to agree, I think sometimes we’re worse actors than we think we are – I often feel like I’ve been hiding the fact that I am confused really well only to have someone tell me how lost i look (um, ouch). Maybe he got the vibe that you were just not that into him? On the other hand maybe he fell into one of those grate things on the sidewalk and broke both his arms and legs….

  7. This is 7 years late, but I feel like “doing things differently” doesn’t have to mean choosing the different option entirely. If you felt rejected, do you think you, too, might have just been looking for an ego boost? That if he asked you out again it would validate your “kindness” in telling him you had fun, despite the fact that you clearly didn’t like him very much. Especially since you mentioned Jeremy as well. Men are pretty sharp to pick up when a girl doesn’t really appreciate them – and when she’s not being entirely honest to herself, much less to him.

    To the question left to your readers though, I’m not quite sure myself. I usually feel very uncomfortable being asked that, partly because I’m all too aware that my way of saying “well I don’t know how I feel about you” is probably a fear of commitment. I’m very selective with who I spend time with, so if a guy just doesn’t feel right I don’t question it, but when it comes to a guy I actually like being around that question makes me pull back because I automatically lose a little bit of attraction when a guy seems to need my validation or guide his next step. I don’t mind telling him my feelings, but I don’t like the feeling that my answer will determine our future interactions, and I’ll be expected to stay fixed to my word. But every time I’m honest about how I feel toward a guy I’m interested in, and he contacts me the very next day, I suddenly feel suffocated. The way I repeatedly pull away has caused a lot of hurt feelings, so I’ve learned to temper it but then start feeling anxious about keeping my behavior up and being untrue to myself. Which…makes me sound like a guy, but I’ve been like this since the very beginning so I have no idea where it comes from.

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