Curvy Conversations

A Big Girl Rant: Why do I Attract Closeted Gay Men???

October 8 2008 | CeCe Olisa

I think it was Rosanne Barr who said “If it weren’t for gay men, fat chicks would never have anyone to dance with”. To a certain extent, I agree… I can remember a few awkward moments on New York City dance floors when a random “gay in shinning armor” would come to my rescue and dance with me, saving me from the sadness of feeling invisible.

I feel like there is an unspoken bond between gay men and PSP’s (Plus Size Princesses). Its a natural pairing of two groups who are often on the outside looking in. As a PSP it can also provide regular male companionship (and a stand-by date, if needed). I love my gay male friends, they are all so different some are very professional, some are more creative and they all bring different things to my life… but as a PSP there is one type of gay man that I have to warn you about:

The gay man who thinks he’s straight.

Call it what you will “Closet Case”, “Suspect” or “Down Low” it is my observation that, these men often date big women. Its almost as if the gay man inside of them recognizes the connection they could have with a PSP, but somewhere things get confused and suddenly they are seeing her romantically even though they are sexually attracted to men.

I’ve had it explained to me that a woman with lower self esteem (as PSP’s often have) may excuse or ignore the signs that the man in her life might be gay.

I see how this can be easy to do, if you take a woman who often gets little to no attention from men, and suddenly a man (perhaps a well dressed, attractive, polite, put together man) is interested in her. This man knows how to make her feel special and isn’t afraid to tell her how important she is. Her choice then becomes: ignore how quickly he pulls up the online bingo tab to cover up the Britney Spears video, and all the other signs that put his sexuality in question, or face them and risk being alone… again.

I don’t want to be that girl, and so far I’ve dodged the bullet (Remember James?).

I found out recently that this is something I’ve been dodging since high school. When I was a Sophomore, John Tomsonni, who was like, “The Senior” told Andrew, my Best Friend (who at the time wasn’t out of the closet) that he wanted to take me to the winter formal. I could not believe that of all the girls he could choose from, he wanted to take me. Unfortunately I was 15 and my parents would not let me go on dates until I was 16. He went off to college that year and I always had hopes of rekindling what could have been. I sort of lost track of John, but found out recently that he’s living in Colorado with his longtime boyfriend.

I even have my doubts about Jeremy! I didn’t want to bring it up, but I sent my sister a link to his facebook page the other day. She called me a few hours later and the first question she asked me was “do you think he might be….”

“OH EM GEE… YES!” I screamed, “What made you ask?”

“I dunno… some of his photos” she replied. “there’s nothing wrong with them, but…”

I threw myself face first into my pillow to muffle the screams coming out of my mouth because I knew what she meant. I had spent a good amount of time studying his photos and there was just something about them; and my sister saw it too (who knew gaydar was genetic?).

Now, good gaydar doesn’t go off because a man is wearing a pink sequin shirt, it goes off on an x-factor, something you often can’t pinpoint. Its the kind of thing where even if a guy is wearing a football jersey, chugging beer and screaming at the TV set, you can still pick up that he’s Suspect. You just see something in him that makes you question.

But not all men are like that! Most men are just point blank, no questions asked, heterosexual males. So, why is it that every potential guy I come across has me with my head cocked to the side like Scooby Doo?!?!

The really frustrating part is that I think my friends are so eager to see me with someone that they compromise and don’t tell me what they really think. I introduced James to a few people and all of them kept beating around the bush. Even Andrew, who I trust, routinely avoided telling me that he thought James was a closet case. It took someone brazen like Dean to speak the truth and instruct me to move on. Of course, once Dean said “he’s gay” everyone chimed in to back him up, but if he hadn’t spoken up and I was just the tiniest bit desperate… then what?

I’ve seen this happen routinely to other big women out there and I refuse to fall into the trap… I refuse to have people sitting at my wedding wondering “is she blind?” or wondering “with all the gay friends that girl has… why didn’t someone didn’t say something”….

At the end of the day I can’t control the fact that gay men are attracted to me, I guess I just have to make sure I don’t start becoming attracted to them.

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35 responses on “A Big Girl Rant: Why do I Attract Closeted Gay Men???

  1. Deidre

    Closeted Gay Men are a straight girl’s nemesis for sure!

    I attract lesbians, which is awkward.

    My lesbian gaydar is pretty good – but my gay man gaydar is less in tune, got any tips?

  2. K

    oh wow, i’m fucked.. 😀 I’m in a 2 year relationship, and yes I am a big girl, in the past few months I started noticing “something” about him, and my God, you could be right,..also when I think about it, every guy that showed some affection towards me was kinda, gayish…What’s wrong with me??? 🙁

  3. chocdrop

    I have not ever noticed this in my time. However, my recent post touches on the fact that my spouse is GAY. There were no signs and until I found the porn and the email sent looking for a gay man, thats when I found out.

  4. Mike Lowrey

    I'm straight a straight dude but to me the answer is pretty clear.

    The fact is that big women have a much harder time finding guys. Gay dudes know this. Its like picking low hanging fruit off of a tree. Gay dudes figure that they can hook up with a desperate chick very easily, then they have someone that makes them look straight when they need to have cover.

    Most women can obviously see that their dude is questionable but ignores every fact because they want a man in their life.

    In NYC you see it all through the big girl parties. It's all lesbo or sweet n down low dudes.

    I can remember hitting up my favorite bar in Williamsburg and this hot little number walked in with this guy. I was checking her out to see if dude was her man. and I can tell by their behavior they were more than friends. I said to my fiends, "she's with this sweet lookin dude, WTF doesn't she know". Maybe 20 minutes later they started dancing. Dude bust out into a Beyonce Booty Hop!!! YES NO LIE!
    And she was all into him even more like he was on Dancin with the stars or some shyt. The left hand in hand prob to do all types of unsafe down low ignant shyt.

    So the moral of the story is don't make excuses. 75% of the time dude isn't hiding it, the women is ignoring it. Dudes don't hide shyt well, gay or straight. lol.

    Cool site by the way.

  5. Nmyph9

    It is not just big woman. I am a VGL model type and my husband used me as a beard. I think for the gay closeted man that secretly hates women and wants to use them, (not all do, but there is this secret group that truely likes the power of the SECRET life). He uses the stereotype of the feminine, and what is more stereotypically or anceintly feminine then overflowing breasts and hips.
    I think the very goodlooking and the big women also have another thing in common. We are often very insecure. the VGL women knows that the power of looks is really only skin deep and its only the power of the whore, A frightening but true fact I didn’t come to discover till I was in my 30s.
    A good test I have found to tell if he might be: start by observing photos of ppl in the “sexy look”, you know the one I am talking about? Most single ppl have them on their facebook. Well the str8 women stereotypical sexy look is the coy F-me look, the str8 mans is I will F-you. The closeted man is strongly giving the F-me or this weird mix of the two.
    The secret group I was speaking of above I have found are the very macho men, bikers, cops, construction workers, etc.
    Best wishes and thank you for posting this, not many women are talking about this, but put MWM or MBM in a CL search… most are looking for men.

  6. Nmyph9

    It is not just big woman. I am a VGL model type and my husband used me as a beard. I think for the gay closeted man that secretly hates women and wants to use them, (not all do, but there is this secret group that truely likes the power of the SECRET life). He uses the stereotype of the feminine, and what is more stereotypically or anceintly feminine then overflowing breasts and hips.
    I think the very goodlooking and the big women also have another thing in common. We are often very insecure. the VGL women knows that the power of looks is really only skin deep and its only the power of the whore, A frightening but true fact I didn’t come to discover till I was in my 30s.
    A good test I have found to tell if he might be: start by observing photos of ppl in the “sexy look”, you know the one I am talking about? Most single ppl have them on their facebook. Well the str8 women stereotypical sexy look is the coy F-me look, the str8 mans is I will F-you. The closeted man is strongly giving the F-me or this weird mix of the two.
    The secret group I was speaking of above I have found are the very macho men, bikers, cops, construction workers, etc.
    Best wishes and thank you for posting this, not many women are talking about this, but put MWM or MBM in a CL search… most are looking for men.

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  18. Jane

    I have a very nice figure, but I have found that closet gay guys flirt with me a lot too. It takes a couple of dates to figure it out for sure that they’re gay, but something always clues me in. All I can figure is that I don’t flaunt my sexuality and they feel I am safe cover girlfriend (or a beard). Another theory is the self esteem. issues. You don’t have to be fat to have low self esteem. I can relate to not wanting to be alone and looking over some signals, but as I grow older I have become more confident and cut things off as soon as I realize I’ll never get what I want in a relationship. I’m good with gay guys who are out of the closet because it is established from the beginning that we’ll only be friends. It’s those closet gays that will break your heart.

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