It had been a few weeks since I met James. We had been hanging out regularly, and he had invited me to a party at his friends beach house. I liked him and he seemed he liked me, so I agreed to go, but I still couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was gay.
I don’t know what it is but closeted gays are drawn to plus size princesses. My first love was a guy that chased me all through high school, spent the summer after our senior year telling me that we should be married, only to come out to me six months later.
During college I spent all my time with Dan, holding hands, kissing and spooning in my bed, until I found him spooning with our friend Greg.
Because of my experiences, I have honed an impeccable Gaydar; I use it, I trust it, I swear by it.
But James was throwing my Gaydar way off. I mean, every drink and dinner he bought me showed he was straight, but when I stalked him on facebook and found that his interests were “Dolce & Gabbana”, “Cooking” and “Architecture” I was sure he was gay.
My only girlfriend with a Gaydar that rivaled mine was Kenzie, so I called her.
“Hello?” she answered.
I took a deep breath and said, “You’re coming with me to a beach house this weekend to find out if the guy I’m dating is gay”
There was a slight pause.
“What time are we leaving?”
We rented a car and drove out to the Jersey Shore in record time, as we got to the house the aroma of meat on the grill greeted us and before we got to the porch James was jogging down the steps to greet us.
I introduced him to Kenzie and he insisted on taking our bags in for us. Kenzie raised an impressed eyebrow. After we got situated James took us around to meet his friends, the hosts were a newlywed couple James knew in college.
As I made conversation with the wife, I watched happily as Kenzie cornered James. We would have a gay/straight verdict before lunch!
I went out on the sand with a bottle of water and a magazine. An hour later, Kenzie plopped down beside me, I looked up from my magazine.
“Well? Is he gay? Straight?”
Then Kenzie said the worst thing she could say.
“I have no idea.”